Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Is it just me?

Looking back I've always been way to worried about what other people think. Worried people think I'm fat, mean, negative, messy, ugly, the list goes on and on. How did I get that way? Parents? Friends? Media? And how do I undo it?

I have gotten so good at telling people what they want to hear that sometimes I forget the truth. I'm not a bad person just one who thinks that if people knew what went through my head sometimes they would think that I was.

Anyways I will continue this sometime later as Rod is trying to put Payton to bed and the screams are causing brain freeze. I cannot think

Monday, November 29, 2004

the truth be told

Someone mentioned to me today that it has been almost a month since I wrote. So the question is, is there a reason for this lapse or is it just that, a lapse?

We've had a really full month, with ups and downs, the highlight being a trip to Alberta paid for my Rod's company so he could do some work there. I got to see some of my relatives that I haven't seen in a long time and introduce them to Payton. It was fantastic seeing everybody, I think I'm more "homesick" now than I was before(I grew up in Alberta). I really realized how much I miss everyone there.

Anyways, back to present. Payton has been back to being miserable lately. Really poor sleep patterns, cranky and fussy more than not. And to top it off she's developed a Mommy preference. She's cranky all day then when Rod comes home and gives me a break she's crankier. She wants Mommy, all the time. He's trying to put her to sleep right now, and she's winning. I am so tired that when she cries at night, he's been waking up first. That almost scares me, considering he sleeps like the dead.

I think I haven't been writing because a truth has been hitting me in the head and I don't much like it. I feel false, and it makes me feel dirty. People ask me how I am all the time and I smile and say pretty good, or I'm tired, or I've been busy, which is not a lie just not the entire truth. No one wants to hear the whole truth or maybe it's me that doesn't. It's not real if I don't say it aloud right? So here we go, most of the time I'm down, some of the time I'm downright miserable. I feel like I'm a failure on so many levels. I have a baby that is cranky 90% of the time no matter what I do, my house has fallen in to a total state of disrepair. I don't even want anyone here whether they have offered help or not. I think I have actually gained weight since delivery. Things that should have been done months ago still aren't because when I do have a few minutes to spare I am too tired physically or emotionally to get my butt in gear. I feel totally out of control, overwhelmed to the extreme meaning of the world. I see other people with new babies that actually sleep and am resentful, isn't that horrible?? That can't be who I've become. I pray but am so caught up with self loathing I can't hear any replies. I feel like I'm living in a cave and when I come out I try to put on the best show I can. My life on stage....... I can't believe I actually wrote this, I'm scared to death of admitting these things it's like admitting defeat ...next question is will I publish it???

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Give and Take

There are certain things I will never ever take for granted again:

1. Uninterrupted sleep(even 6 hours would be heaven)
2. Getting something, anything done during the day
3. Sitting down for a meal
4. Sitting down for a meal with my husband
5. Having a bath
6. Having clothes that fit
7. Having a flat stomach
8. Uninterrupted adult conversation
9. Having a tidy house
10. I know there's more but I'm so tired I can't remember.........

But then I would miss out on:

1. Smiles
2. Seeing the world through a child's eyes
3. Teaching
4. Learning what's important
5. Letting go of the small things
6. Having an excuse for my untidy house
7. Becoming more appreciative of simple things
8. Cuddles
9. Laughter
10. Love