Monday, November 29, 2004

the truth be told

Someone mentioned to me today that it has been almost a month since I wrote. So the question is, is there a reason for this lapse or is it just that, a lapse?

We've had a really full month, with ups and downs, the highlight being a trip to Alberta paid for my Rod's company so he could do some work there. I got to see some of my relatives that I haven't seen in a long time and introduce them to Payton. It was fantastic seeing everybody, I think I'm more "homesick" now than I was before(I grew up in Alberta). I really realized how much I miss everyone there.

Anyways, back to present. Payton has been back to being miserable lately. Really poor sleep patterns, cranky and fussy more than not. And to top it off she's developed a Mommy preference. She's cranky all day then when Rod comes home and gives me a break she's crankier. She wants Mommy, all the time. He's trying to put her to sleep right now, and she's winning. I am so tired that when she cries at night, he's been waking up first. That almost scares me, considering he sleeps like the dead.

I think I haven't been writing because a truth has been hitting me in the head and I don't much like it. I feel false, and it makes me feel dirty. People ask me how I am all the time and I smile and say pretty good, or I'm tired, or I've been busy, which is not a lie just not the entire truth. No one wants to hear the whole truth or maybe it's me that doesn't. It's not real if I don't say it aloud right? So here we go, most of the time I'm down, some of the time I'm downright miserable. I feel like I'm a failure on so many levels. I have a baby that is cranky 90% of the time no matter what I do, my house has fallen in to a total state of disrepair. I don't even want anyone here whether they have offered help or not. I think I have actually gained weight since delivery. Things that should have been done months ago still aren't because when I do have a few minutes to spare I am too tired physically or emotionally to get my butt in gear. I feel totally out of control, overwhelmed to the extreme meaning of the world. I see other people with new babies that actually sleep and am resentful, isn't that horrible?? That can't be who I've become. I pray but am so caught up with self loathing I can't hear any replies. I feel like I'm living in a cave and when I come out I try to put on the best show I can. My life on stage....... I can't believe I actually wrote this, I'm scared to death of admitting these things it's like admitting defeat question is will I publish it???


rose said...

congratulations on having the courage to publish it.

when my oldest was 10 days old he stayed awake 18 hours at a shot. he was very much like payton. always wanting mom, erratic sleep. my house was a disaster area. and i was studying for final exams. my sister came to my rescue, wouldn't take no for an answer.

if help is offered, take it. a friend won't care how your house looks. after all, how can water be drawn from an empty well? if there's nothing left in you, you have nothing to offer to others (rod, payton, or God). it's not selfish to need time for you, it's necessary.

Miss-buggy said...

I think that you are doing a great job. It's alright to complain - look at me I do it all the time. Mostly to you or Phil though. You know that I am here to help. Maybe I do need to come and "steal" Payton this weekend some time. I love you and you are in my prayers. I will be over to help too, you know I don't take no for an answer. Good luck. Like I said, I think you are doing a great job. Better woman than I will ever be.

Lori said...

blunt truth...if you feel like this or have felt like this for more than six weeks, go talk to your doctor about antidepressents. or talk to me. i am the self proclaimed queen of post partum depression. Do whatever it takes to cope.

Jenn said...

My first child screamed for the first 6 or 7 months and I too ended up in depression. I couldn't understand how I could be a good mom if my baby screamed all the time. I did not ask for help or even want it....looking back now (and now going through the baby stage again) I should have been honest and reached out. Good for you for being honest. Lori is right, do what you need to do to get through this time and remember that it is a season and it will eventually pass.

kaybrayshay said...

I am here for you!! Please do not hesitate to ask. Even though I have a baby, I am here for you. Even if you want to vent on the phone, call me. No matter what time of the day I am here for you!!! I love you chicky.

You are a great mother and Payton and Rod are so lucky to have you.