Saturday, October 30, 2004

For mom's sake....

Did I say I would post last night?? What I ment was sometime soon....I should never promise.

I have come to realize that no matter how I am feeling or what is happening that time just keeps going, so I might as well enjoy all the moments I can. Soon enough I'll be looking back thinking what happened??

We had a couple of relatively good nights, where it only took 15 or so minutes to get her down and then she slept 5 hours with a smaller stint or 2 after that before she decided it was time to be up. Which is around 6-7 by the way, and way to early in my mind. But if we take her to bed for her last feed usually she will go back to sleep for awhile, still if you get until 8 your lucky. Which wouldn't be bad if I had had say 6-7 hours uninterrupted sleep. Which I guess will come.

Thursday night was a lot harder she didn't go down until after 9, I should have know something was up. Friday she was miserable and I haven't been feeling good as well, just a little out of sorts. Friday all she did was cry, eat and sleep. Well more like scream, she didn't have a temp(actually I found I was the one running a fever) but I could tell she wasn't feeling well. Especially when she was taking 2 hour naps right through feeding times. So I gave her some advil and cuddled her a lot. Eventually she went to bed around 10. But was up at 1 to eat, then at 3:20, then again at six. At six Rod brought her to bed, and she fed and slept until 7:45. So I got up with her, changed her, fed her and passed her off to Dad. Then I took some advil and promptly went back to bed. Now I am very thankful to have a husband who helps me, he understands that my job as mom isn't easy and has even said he doesn't know how I do it full time(usually when she's screaming at him).

She seems to be feeling much better today, she's full of smiles. I hope that whatever her body was fighting it won. I also hope her bedtime isn't messed up and that she will sleep for longer again. Just for mom's sake.....

Friday, October 29, 2004

Yes, I'm still around, sane even.....

Another thing about having a baby...the whole time issue....

I am going to write tonight, I promise.....

Monday, October 25, 2004

For better or for worse..

When you decide to get married, it's a big commitment. Besides the huge decision to get married, You have to apply for a marriage license(and pay for that), then promise before God and all your family and friends to work through everything together, for better or for worse. Why don't you have to do anything like that before having a baby?? Having a baby really is like marriage, there's love, commitment, hard work, disagreements(you want to sleep the baby disagrees) just for starters. For all intents and purposes I am a Mom now, forever, for better or for worse.

Just a quick update for everyone following our attempts at getting Payton to sleep by herself. Last night was a "for worse" night. After a fairly successful start, she woke up, but much to our surprise didn't cry just let out a cry whenever she lost her soother. I was amazed, she just doesn't do that!!! So after about 45 min, I fed her and put her back and she went to sleep. I was sure that was much to easy, but I was hoping I was wrong. Well she slept for 3 hours which has been about normal. After that she was up like five times between 1 and 6:30, which is about when she decided it was time to be up. I think maybe she was cold, I hope that's it because I really don't want another night like that. I am exhausted, she is as well, she was so cranky today. A tired and cranky mom and baby is not a good combination let me tell you. I would say poor Rod, but he's the only one getting sleep, I have no sympathy for him, none whatsoever!!

Sunday, October 24, 2004

another night down

Well she gave a very valient fight but in the end we were stronger!!!

We still had to pick her up and put her back more than 50 times last night but it only took 2 hours instead of 3!! And I actaully slept when she did!!!YAHHHH

And for tonight, she's already asleep, which was way to easy. 13 times putting her back only taking 30min. She's been out for 35 min. I keep waiting for her to wake. Who knows maybe she won't!!!

Now, I'm going to spend some time with my husband. Imagine that!!!

Saturday, October 23, 2004

I am a survivor

Well, I survived, So did Payton. I do have a very cranky girl on my hands today who napped way more than usual. Which scares me.

It took over 3 hours and nearly 50 "baby rescues", but she finally went to sleep by herself in her own crib. It lasted 3 hours then she woke to eat at 3. Then much to my surprise she went back down fairly easily, I was back in bed by 3:3oish. This was repeated at 6. Then she woke at 7:40 and decided it was time to be up. So dad went and got her and I fed her in bed and that bought us another hour to sleep.

But as I mentioned before she's cranky, because she's tired. I hope she'll sleep better and with less theatrics tonight because she may be tired, but I'm exhausted. She slept more last night than I did. It's night training the baby, but It's me that needs to be trained. I was up even when she was sleeping expecting her to wake, I kept hearing every noise she made. The second night is supposed to be easier, we'll see.

We are fighting as I write to keep her awake until bedtime. Only 40min until her bath, I don't want to try to put her down to early and have her be up at any earlier than needs be.

I could sing the blues again....

Friday, October 22, 2004

Sometimes I feel so mean.....

So tonights the night. The night I send my daughter to jail. Well, I may be exaggerating just a bit, but it might as well be. I can't believe I'm so stressed about making my baby sleep in her own crib. I guess I just hate seeing her upset and I know she's going to freak. I'm prepared for the worst, but I'd rather do it now than when she's older and possibly could remember. Oh my I feel pathetic.

Wish me luck.

Thursday, October 21, 2004

A load of crap

I was thinking about Bessie Bingo today. For those of you who don't know it, it's a fundraiser put on by a charity group I belong to. You section off a piece of land into a grid pattern, then sell the smaller squares. Here is where Bessie comes in, Bessie is a cow, or 2, who may or may not actually be named Bessie. You then let the cow loose on your grid and wait, yes you wait for the cow to do it's business. The winner is the owner of the square that got dumped on.

It strikes me as ironic, when your hoping and praying(is it wrong to pray about winning??) to essentially get "crapped" on.

Anyways Bessie Bingo is this weekend, so good luck to anyone wishing to get dumped on. I sure am.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

I've got a baby who won't sleep blues

Head aches
Brain fuzzy
Eyes droopy
Body heavy

So tired

Tuesday, October 19, 2004


I had a moment today, a realization. I'm always worried about everything that needs to get done. Since Payton's birth I've had substantially less time to do anything, I really feel some days that I've accomplished nothing. I know, I know, Payton wouldn't agree. I'm doing a great job, my job now is raising my daughter, blah blah blah. And although I do agree my world often seems like chaos. My list of things that need doing is a mile long and growing insanely fast with Christmas coming. And I am lucky to check off one thing a day. For example with Christmas coming I think about Christmas cards. Which wouldn't be that bad except I am still plugging away on Thank you cards. I would make Rod write them except his writing is bad, really really bad.

Anyways back to my realization. Life really is about choices. I can choose to let everything get to me and slip back into depression. Or I can let it slide off my back and spend my time enjoying my family. I'm learning to pick my battles and let God help me out when things seem unmanageable. I'm trying to live life one baby step at a time and see everything through my daughters eyes.

One other thing about choices, they are equally important on small things as well. I could use my 30min free time when Payton naps to vacuum or clean the tub. Or I can make myself some lunch or have a shower. What would you do?? No one's going to have a shower here anyways, and even if they do, too bad.

Sunday, October 17, 2004

Maybe I'm not insane after all

I met a woman this weekend who made me feel a whole lot sainer than I have for a long long time. She has a 2.5 yr old male version of Payton. She went through exactly the same I am now, the cranky moodiness, the lack of sleep, the baby that you cant put down and wouldn't go to sleep alone. All of it, only she ended up with post partem depression because no one told her that some babies are just like that, she thought she was doing something wrong.

And it gets better, it really does. Her son is still a handful, he doesn't stop he's into everything. But he's also very bright and wants to learn about anything and everything. Most of all, he's healthy and happy. That's all I ask, that's what I want.

I have some work ahead of me, I was told that if we don't start helping her to sleep on her own she won't for a long long time. She still has to lay down with him to get him to sleep, she is just starting to work on it and thinks it'll take a couple months of small steps to do it without tramitizing him. If we do it soon she is still young enough it shouldn't be so hard. First step, develope a routine including a bedtime and stick with it.

I'm really not looking forward to it. And am putting it off untill next weekend so Rod can be up with me witout worrying about work in the morning. It will be harder on me than her I think. I'm going to feel really mean, my poor baby crying, all because she wants her Mommy :( Thank goodness she won't remember when she's older!!!

Saturday, October 16, 2004

Jekyll and Hyde

A couple weeks ago I gathered up my courage and took my beautiful jekyll and hyde baby to get pictures taken. The first attempt did not fly. Looking back it was doomed from the beginning. Our appointment was in the evening, I should have known better. Evening is when Mr. Hyde is most likely to make an appearance.

Payton is under the impression that if she sleeps she will miss something, especially in the evening when Daddy is home. So we get tired and cranky and miserable and really mad if she figures we are trying to put her to sleep, which we usually are. As far as babies go, she doesn't sleep that much. We were told numerous times how much newborns sleep, that my friends is a lie, at least in our experience it is. Her naps have always been short and infrequent, and nighttime sleep not usually being much better. Slowly o so slowly our sleep stretches at night have been lengthening(I usually will get one 4 hour stretch now, after that your guess is as good as mine to what will happen) .

Anyways back to my story. Round One: We got one picture in before she realized what was going on and wanted no part of it. We were too busy trying to get her not to cry, to even think about trying to coax forward any smiles. We very shortly admitted defeat, ordered a few of the one we did get(which was cute) and took Mr. Hyde home.

I decided not to give up, I wanted smiles, if once you fail try try again. I was smarter this time and scheduled a mid day appointment, when it is most likely that Dr. Jekyll is to be in appearance. So off we went, I was sure we were doomed again as she was most unpleased to be in the carseat. By the time it was our turn we had had some time to be cuddled by Mom and were in a good mood. We actually found the whole procedure rather humorous for awhile. Hooray!!!! Round One : Payton, Round Two : Mom

We got some really cute pictures, which left Mom with the trying task of picking what to order. The moral of this story is don't give up and never never take Mr. Hyde to get pictures taken.

Time marches on

It's been a month since I last posted, and let me tell you it's gone fast. There were moments of course when it seemed time was standing still(when she's been especially grumpy for example) but for the most part I can't believe she's almost 3 months old already.

There were many moments I really wanted to write, vent actually, but couldn't due to various reasons. I noticed something though, I want to write when I'm fustrated or overwhelmed. How come I don't feel the urge to write when I'm having a good day? With having a new baby, a fussy one at that, fustration is common and really good days are uncommon. You would think I would want to write about the uncommon, that's just not the case. So am I feeling sorry for myself?? Or do I want others to feel sorry for me?? Or at least sympathize?? Am I that petty?? Women have been having babies since the beginning of time and many of them in much harder situations than me and haven't complained. I should remember the good times, and the help I receive and be grateful for what I have, because I really am, I just forget to say it as often as I should.

This doesn't mean that after this I won't complain any more, just that I shouldn't, I am after all human.