Monday, December 06, 2004

So now what do I do??

They're gone, yes my husband just left for work and Payton went with him. Well not really, he's dropping her off at Misty's for the day. She wanted to give me a break so she volunteered to take Payton...ALL DAY!! A little hesitantly I agreed, I know I need the break but this is a really long time.....

I have in a few short months forgotten what to do with myself without a baby around. It seems so strange, what to do first?? I think, yes, I'm going back to bed!!!! Talk to you all later!

Thursday, December 02, 2004


I am feeling sorry for myself this morning, it started when Payton went from smiling to inconsolable screaming in the blink of an eye. She does this when she's tired and she's tired because she won't sleep, how do you get a baby who refuses to sleep to sleep??

I was asking myself what did I do to deserve this?? All my friends who've had babies have these easy eat every 4 hours sleep many hours in a row will even entertain themselves angel babies. Not saying I don't love Payton, she has the most personality of any baby I have known, I can see amazing things in her eyes and know she is and will be an amazing person but in the meantime sometimes I just say YOU HAVE GOT TO GIMME A BREAK CHILD!!!

So I kept telling myself that God won't give me any more than I can handle.(one way or another!!) Which led me to ask God a question "What do you think I am??? Superwoman?" This time I heard his reply "YES!" Alrighty then, if God has that much faith in me I guess I have to have some in myself.

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Is it just me?

Looking back I've always been way to worried about what other people think. Worried people think I'm fat, mean, negative, messy, ugly, the list goes on and on. How did I get that way? Parents? Friends? Media? And how do I undo it?

I have gotten so good at telling people what they want to hear that sometimes I forget the truth. I'm not a bad person just one who thinks that if people knew what went through my head sometimes they would think that I was.

Anyways I will continue this sometime later as Rod is trying to put Payton to bed and the screams are causing brain freeze. I cannot think

Monday, November 29, 2004

the truth be told

Someone mentioned to me today that it has been almost a month since I wrote. So the question is, is there a reason for this lapse or is it just that, a lapse?

We've had a really full month, with ups and downs, the highlight being a trip to Alberta paid for my Rod's company so he could do some work there. I got to see some of my relatives that I haven't seen in a long time and introduce them to Payton. It was fantastic seeing everybody, I think I'm more "homesick" now than I was before(I grew up in Alberta). I really realized how much I miss everyone there.

Anyways, back to present. Payton has been back to being miserable lately. Really poor sleep patterns, cranky and fussy more than not. And to top it off she's developed a Mommy preference. She's cranky all day then when Rod comes home and gives me a break she's crankier. She wants Mommy, all the time. He's trying to put her to sleep right now, and she's winning. I am so tired that when she cries at night, he's been waking up first. That almost scares me, considering he sleeps like the dead.

I think I haven't been writing because a truth has been hitting me in the head and I don't much like it. I feel false, and it makes me feel dirty. People ask me how I am all the time and I smile and say pretty good, or I'm tired, or I've been busy, which is not a lie just not the entire truth. No one wants to hear the whole truth or maybe it's me that doesn't. It's not real if I don't say it aloud right? So here we go, most of the time I'm down, some of the time I'm downright miserable. I feel like I'm a failure on so many levels. I have a baby that is cranky 90% of the time no matter what I do, my house has fallen in to a total state of disrepair. I don't even want anyone here whether they have offered help or not. I think I have actually gained weight since delivery. Things that should have been done months ago still aren't because when I do have a few minutes to spare I am too tired physically or emotionally to get my butt in gear. I feel totally out of control, overwhelmed to the extreme meaning of the world. I see other people with new babies that actually sleep and am resentful, isn't that horrible?? That can't be who I've become. I pray but am so caught up with self loathing I can't hear any replies. I feel like I'm living in a cave and when I come out I try to put on the best show I can. My life on stage....... I can't believe I actually wrote this, I'm scared to death of admitting these things it's like admitting defeat question is will I publish it???

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Give and Take

There are certain things I will never ever take for granted again:

1. Uninterrupted sleep(even 6 hours would be heaven)
2. Getting something, anything done during the day
3. Sitting down for a meal
4. Sitting down for a meal with my husband
5. Having a bath
6. Having clothes that fit
7. Having a flat stomach
8. Uninterrupted adult conversation
9. Having a tidy house
10. I know there's more but I'm so tired I can't remember.........

But then I would miss out on:

1. Smiles
2. Seeing the world through a child's eyes
3. Teaching
4. Learning what's important
5. Letting go of the small things
6. Having an excuse for my untidy house
7. Becoming more appreciative of simple things
8. Cuddles
9. Laughter
10. Love

Saturday, October 30, 2004

For mom's sake....

Did I say I would post last night?? What I ment was sometime soon....I should never promise.

I have come to realize that no matter how I am feeling or what is happening that time just keeps going, so I might as well enjoy all the moments I can. Soon enough I'll be looking back thinking what happened??

We had a couple of relatively good nights, where it only took 15 or so minutes to get her down and then she slept 5 hours with a smaller stint or 2 after that before she decided it was time to be up. Which is around 6-7 by the way, and way to early in my mind. But if we take her to bed for her last feed usually she will go back to sleep for awhile, still if you get until 8 your lucky. Which wouldn't be bad if I had had say 6-7 hours uninterrupted sleep. Which I guess will come.

Thursday night was a lot harder she didn't go down until after 9, I should have know something was up. Friday she was miserable and I haven't been feeling good as well, just a little out of sorts. Friday all she did was cry, eat and sleep. Well more like scream, she didn't have a temp(actually I found I was the one running a fever) but I could tell she wasn't feeling well. Especially when she was taking 2 hour naps right through feeding times. So I gave her some advil and cuddled her a lot. Eventually she went to bed around 10. But was up at 1 to eat, then at 3:20, then again at six. At six Rod brought her to bed, and she fed and slept until 7:45. So I got up with her, changed her, fed her and passed her off to Dad. Then I took some advil and promptly went back to bed. Now I am very thankful to have a husband who helps me, he understands that my job as mom isn't easy and has even said he doesn't know how I do it full time(usually when she's screaming at him).

She seems to be feeling much better today, she's full of smiles. I hope that whatever her body was fighting it won. I also hope her bedtime isn't messed up and that she will sleep for longer again. Just for mom's sake.....

Friday, October 29, 2004

Yes, I'm still around, sane even.....

Another thing about having a baby...the whole time issue....

I am going to write tonight, I promise.....

Monday, October 25, 2004

For better or for worse..

When you decide to get married, it's a big commitment. Besides the huge decision to get married, You have to apply for a marriage license(and pay for that), then promise before God and all your family and friends to work through everything together, for better or for worse. Why don't you have to do anything like that before having a baby?? Having a baby really is like marriage, there's love, commitment, hard work, disagreements(you want to sleep the baby disagrees) just for starters. For all intents and purposes I am a Mom now, forever, for better or for worse.

Just a quick update for everyone following our attempts at getting Payton to sleep by herself. Last night was a "for worse" night. After a fairly successful start, she woke up, but much to our surprise didn't cry just let out a cry whenever she lost her soother. I was amazed, she just doesn't do that!!! So after about 45 min, I fed her and put her back and she went to sleep. I was sure that was much to easy, but I was hoping I was wrong. Well she slept for 3 hours which has been about normal. After that she was up like five times between 1 and 6:30, which is about when she decided it was time to be up. I think maybe she was cold, I hope that's it because I really don't want another night like that. I am exhausted, she is as well, she was so cranky today. A tired and cranky mom and baby is not a good combination let me tell you. I would say poor Rod, but he's the only one getting sleep, I have no sympathy for him, none whatsoever!!

Sunday, October 24, 2004

another night down

Well she gave a very valient fight but in the end we were stronger!!!

We still had to pick her up and put her back more than 50 times last night but it only took 2 hours instead of 3!! And I actaully slept when she did!!!YAHHHH

And for tonight, she's already asleep, which was way to easy. 13 times putting her back only taking 30min. She's been out for 35 min. I keep waiting for her to wake. Who knows maybe she won't!!!

Now, I'm going to spend some time with my husband. Imagine that!!!

Saturday, October 23, 2004

I am a survivor

Well, I survived, So did Payton. I do have a very cranky girl on my hands today who napped way more than usual. Which scares me.

It took over 3 hours and nearly 50 "baby rescues", but she finally went to sleep by herself in her own crib. It lasted 3 hours then she woke to eat at 3. Then much to my surprise she went back down fairly easily, I was back in bed by 3:3oish. This was repeated at 6. Then she woke at 7:40 and decided it was time to be up. So dad went and got her and I fed her in bed and that bought us another hour to sleep.

But as I mentioned before she's cranky, because she's tired. I hope she'll sleep better and with less theatrics tonight because she may be tired, but I'm exhausted. She slept more last night than I did. It's night training the baby, but It's me that needs to be trained. I was up even when she was sleeping expecting her to wake, I kept hearing every noise she made. The second night is supposed to be easier, we'll see.

We are fighting as I write to keep her awake until bedtime. Only 40min until her bath, I don't want to try to put her down to early and have her be up at any earlier than needs be.

I could sing the blues again....

Friday, October 22, 2004

Sometimes I feel so mean.....

So tonights the night. The night I send my daughter to jail. Well, I may be exaggerating just a bit, but it might as well be. I can't believe I'm so stressed about making my baby sleep in her own crib. I guess I just hate seeing her upset and I know she's going to freak. I'm prepared for the worst, but I'd rather do it now than when she's older and possibly could remember. Oh my I feel pathetic.

Wish me luck.

Thursday, October 21, 2004

A load of crap

I was thinking about Bessie Bingo today. For those of you who don't know it, it's a fundraiser put on by a charity group I belong to. You section off a piece of land into a grid pattern, then sell the smaller squares. Here is where Bessie comes in, Bessie is a cow, or 2, who may or may not actually be named Bessie. You then let the cow loose on your grid and wait, yes you wait for the cow to do it's business. The winner is the owner of the square that got dumped on.

It strikes me as ironic, when your hoping and praying(is it wrong to pray about winning??) to essentially get "crapped" on.

Anyways Bessie Bingo is this weekend, so good luck to anyone wishing to get dumped on. I sure am.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

I've got a baby who won't sleep blues

Head aches
Brain fuzzy
Eyes droopy
Body heavy

So tired

Tuesday, October 19, 2004


I had a moment today, a realization. I'm always worried about everything that needs to get done. Since Payton's birth I've had substantially less time to do anything, I really feel some days that I've accomplished nothing. I know, I know, Payton wouldn't agree. I'm doing a great job, my job now is raising my daughter, blah blah blah. And although I do agree my world often seems like chaos. My list of things that need doing is a mile long and growing insanely fast with Christmas coming. And I am lucky to check off one thing a day. For example with Christmas coming I think about Christmas cards. Which wouldn't be that bad except I am still plugging away on Thank you cards. I would make Rod write them except his writing is bad, really really bad.

Anyways back to my realization. Life really is about choices. I can choose to let everything get to me and slip back into depression. Or I can let it slide off my back and spend my time enjoying my family. I'm learning to pick my battles and let God help me out when things seem unmanageable. I'm trying to live life one baby step at a time and see everything through my daughters eyes.

One other thing about choices, they are equally important on small things as well. I could use my 30min free time when Payton naps to vacuum or clean the tub. Or I can make myself some lunch or have a shower. What would you do?? No one's going to have a shower here anyways, and even if they do, too bad.

Sunday, October 17, 2004

Maybe I'm not insane after all

I met a woman this weekend who made me feel a whole lot sainer than I have for a long long time. She has a 2.5 yr old male version of Payton. She went through exactly the same I am now, the cranky moodiness, the lack of sleep, the baby that you cant put down and wouldn't go to sleep alone. All of it, only she ended up with post partem depression because no one told her that some babies are just like that, she thought she was doing something wrong.

And it gets better, it really does. Her son is still a handful, he doesn't stop he's into everything. But he's also very bright and wants to learn about anything and everything. Most of all, he's healthy and happy. That's all I ask, that's what I want.

I have some work ahead of me, I was told that if we don't start helping her to sleep on her own she won't for a long long time. She still has to lay down with him to get him to sleep, she is just starting to work on it and thinks it'll take a couple months of small steps to do it without tramitizing him. If we do it soon she is still young enough it shouldn't be so hard. First step, develope a routine including a bedtime and stick with it.

I'm really not looking forward to it. And am putting it off untill next weekend so Rod can be up with me witout worrying about work in the morning. It will be harder on me than her I think. I'm going to feel really mean, my poor baby crying, all because she wants her Mommy :( Thank goodness she won't remember when she's older!!!

Saturday, October 16, 2004

Jekyll and Hyde

A couple weeks ago I gathered up my courage and took my beautiful jekyll and hyde baby to get pictures taken. The first attempt did not fly. Looking back it was doomed from the beginning. Our appointment was in the evening, I should have known better. Evening is when Mr. Hyde is most likely to make an appearance.

Payton is under the impression that if she sleeps she will miss something, especially in the evening when Daddy is home. So we get tired and cranky and miserable and really mad if she figures we are trying to put her to sleep, which we usually are. As far as babies go, she doesn't sleep that much. We were told numerous times how much newborns sleep, that my friends is a lie, at least in our experience it is. Her naps have always been short and infrequent, and nighttime sleep not usually being much better. Slowly o so slowly our sleep stretches at night have been lengthening(I usually will get one 4 hour stretch now, after that your guess is as good as mine to what will happen) .

Anyways back to my story. Round One: We got one picture in before she realized what was going on and wanted no part of it. We were too busy trying to get her not to cry, to even think about trying to coax forward any smiles. We very shortly admitted defeat, ordered a few of the one we did get(which was cute) and took Mr. Hyde home.

I decided not to give up, I wanted smiles, if once you fail try try again. I was smarter this time and scheduled a mid day appointment, when it is most likely that Dr. Jekyll is to be in appearance. So off we went, I was sure we were doomed again as she was most unpleased to be in the carseat. By the time it was our turn we had had some time to be cuddled by Mom and were in a good mood. We actually found the whole procedure rather humorous for awhile. Hooray!!!! Round One : Payton, Round Two : Mom

We got some really cute pictures, which left Mom with the trying task of picking what to order. The moral of this story is don't give up and never never take Mr. Hyde to get pictures taken.

Time marches on

It's been a month since I last posted, and let me tell you it's gone fast. There were moments of course when it seemed time was standing still(when she's been especially grumpy for example) but for the most part I can't believe she's almost 3 months old already.

There were many moments I really wanted to write, vent actually, but couldn't due to various reasons. I noticed something though, I want to write when I'm fustrated or overwhelmed. How come I don't feel the urge to write when I'm having a good day? With having a new baby, a fussy one at that, fustration is common and really good days are uncommon. You would think I would want to write about the uncommon, that's just not the case. So am I feeling sorry for myself?? Or do I want others to feel sorry for me?? Or at least sympathize?? Am I that petty?? Women have been having babies since the beginning of time and many of them in much harder situations than me and haven't complained. I should remember the good times, and the help I receive and be grateful for what I have, because I really am, I just forget to say it as often as I should.

This doesn't mean that after this I won't complain any more, just that I shouldn't, I am after all human.

Friday, September 10, 2004

Misery loves company

I have discovered something new about myself. I have a mean streak. Yes, yes I really do. Those of you who know me might find this hard to believe, or maybe not, it is possible to live in denial.

I have a wonderful husband(Rod) and beautiful little girl(Payton). As it is Rod can sleep anywhere and through anything, where as Payton often thinks that night is not a good time to sleep. So at insane times of night(or morning) Payton and I are still up and Rod is sleeping peacefully. I can be in bed with Payton screaming right beside Rod and he doesn't even stir. Now this is where my mean streak shows up. I often get the urge just to kick him, and sometimes I do. Not because I need him for something, just because if I'm going to suffer I want some company. I guess the old saying really is true, Misery does love company.

It has been brought to my attention that some "Dads", not mentioning any names, pretend to sleep just so they won't have to get up. First of all, shame on you. And second I refuse to believe Rod could fake being asleep so well, I could be wrong, but hey he gets kicked either way!!

Saturday, September 04, 2004

Thank you Lord

I have come to realize lately how blessed I really am. I have so many people who care about me, really realy care about me, and so many wonderful things going on in my life. It's overwhelming really to think how some people have nowhere to turn and no one to turn to and I have so many places to turn for support.

It never fails to amaze me how God reminds me of this when I start to feel sorry for myself. It seems like every time I start to feel down about something God puts someone in my path who has it 10 or 100 times worse, and I have to say "Ok, Ok I get it, thank you Lord!" For example, I have a hard time sometimes with my six week old baby girl. She's fussy, sometimes downright hysterical, and I get overwhelmed and feel like I'm doing everything wrong, but it passes. I was talking to a friend of mine and she knows someone who's eight months pregnant and recently stopped feeling movement, she went for an emergency ultrasound and found that the baby had died. They don't know why and are obviously devastated. That made me ashamed to complain about my beautiful healthy baby who cries a lot. It made me stop and say


Thursday, September 02, 2004

The Reality

I realized something today, I'm officially a housewife. A 25 year old stay at home mom.

People, here I mean people with no kids or people who did not help raise their kids, often don't associate being a stay at home mom with work. And even I, until after Payton was born figured I'd have lots of time on my hands. I figured I'd have time to keep up on all the housework, have dinner ready when Rod got home, and even be able to catch up on all my unfinished projects. Insert laughter here....

Reality check, Payton is a full time job. Correction, Payton is 3 full time jobs. My time is dictated solely by her. I have been told that it gets better, eventually she will sleep more, eventually she will eat less frequently, eventually she will cry less, eventually she won't want to be on my lap every waking moment. I know she can't help it, after all she is a baby, and I know she did not ask to be born.

I had a moment the other night at 2am when Payton was screaming and I hadn't slept yet, during this moment a question formed in my mind:

Why doesn't anyone warn you?? I mean really warn you...

When you tell people your expecting they got so excited and happy for you, nobody says "Oh I'm so sorry....." Essentially it's false advertising. I guess at that point there's no need to scare the expectant parents more than they already are.

And just as a footnote, even knowing what I know now and experiencing what I have. I would still have had her. I love her that much. I just would have gotten myself more prepared, physically, mentally, emotionally and then I would have bought more diapers.

Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Babies really are hedonistic

I've gone through many changes in my life, moving, graduation, first job, college, and marriage to name a few. What I've discovered is what any parent already knows, nothing, nothing at all prepares you for having a newborn.

On July 23 at 8:11am my beautiful baby daughter Payton was born.(that's a whole other story) I have discovered that life as I knew it has ceased to exist. I do love being a mom, she's beautiful and precious, but let's face it she's also a hedonistic little creature. All she wants is a full belly, a warm body to use as a pillow, someone to change her diaper and occasionally something new to look at. I always wanted a cuddly baby and my o my did I get my wish. You really need to be careful what you wish for. Just try to put her down and you will hear complaint. I feel sometimes that I am going insane.

On my most recent trip to my midwife I broke down and admitted that Payton wasn't a perfect little angel(I'm quite a perfectionist and this wasn't easy) and could her fussy crying be something I'm causing. What I was told was that she was a High Needs Baby. Yes Yes all babies have a lot of needs but this is a whole new category. If she's awake she wants body warmth and movement, non stop bouncing, dancing, jiggling, tossing, patting, swaying, and any other movement you can come up with. What gets me is it doesn't stop when she's asleep, while she doesn't generally require movement to stay asleep she will and does wake is you try to put her down. Sometimes I can sneak her into her swing for a few moments rest.

Some of you will undoubtedly tell me we've just spoiled her, and I might have agreed with you before her birth. She has been like this from the time we were in the hospital. So we do what every parent does, we cope, and we pray. I'm very sure God meant for us to have this exact baby girl because he knows we have the patience to get through this.

Don't get me wrong my husband and I love her so much it's hard to imagine loving her any more, and not all the time spent with her is rough, I can't imagine her not being here. She has started smiling and it just melts my heart. I'm trying really hard to enjoy every minute of her being so small because she is growing so fast and pretty soon I'll have a teenager who thinks she hates me because I won' t let her wear a miniskirt and stay out till midnight.

Anyways I was just going to write a quick little blurb to get me started with this blogging thing but Rod's got Payton so I took advantage of the moment, who knows when I'll get the next chance to write. That's enough of a rant for now.