Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Found this while blog surfing...too funny!!

Ode to a dearly departed friend

O Night of uninterrupted sleep, O Night of uninterrupted sleep,
Where for art thou, O Night of uninterrupted sleep?
Our relationship is gone and I miss it dearly.
You must have been jealous of my children because you left when they were born.
You have abandoned me when I needed you most and introduced you evil twin,
Night of waking up to feed baby, rock baby, comfort preschooler after nightmares, change wet sheets.
Did I take you for granted? Most assuredly, but if you come back to me I promise never to take you for granted again.

found it here.

Days off.....or are they?

So for today I have no kids. Well I have mine but if I only considered days off days without Payton I almost never would have days off!! So I have very few of these anymore and a list as long as my arm of things I'd like to accomplish.

Darn, she doesn't think it's time to nap. Will continue later.

K, I'm back. For the moment she's happily pulling every DVD we own out of the cupboard. I really need to get a lock on that.....

The problem being I never feel like I accomplish anything. Maybe I set my goals to high and get fustrated and overwhelmed. Maybe I just don't do enough. I don't know. What I do know is I must get something ANYTHING accomplished today or I will be cranky come evening. So all I ask is to finish the kitchen, get all the toys put away, everything out of the livingroom that doesn't belong, and the table cleared off, oh and some laundry, Payton's room needs some help, the bathroom needs cleaning, I need some "me" time, and some Payton and Mommy time, and hmmm...maybe I should get some breakfast, I'm going to need the energy.....

Now if Payton would only go for her nap....

Monday, August 29, 2005

Oops...this got long...

Sat night we went and had dinner with Misty and Phil. It was nice, with hectic work schedules and busy lives it feels like we never see them anymore. I guess it just feels weird when something that was a regular part of your life becomes almost non-existent. I think I've been mourning my "old life" a little bit. I wouldn't change having Payton for anything but I can't help but remember "the good old times" once in awhile. I think it's just part of the adjustment to this new phase of my life. I think I need to mourn a little to move on completely with peace. Does that sounds bad? I must admit to feeling a little guilt when I'm wishing for more sleep, or more time to myself. I just want to get this place organized and I can't seem to accomplish anything with a beautiful baby always wanting to be part of what I'm doing(anyone want to steal a baby for a couple of hours?? She's cute and very amusing!!). And I can't say no when all she wants is to play with me, one on one time with mom has also gotten more scarce recently and I want to make sure she gets enough mommy time. It's a balancing act that I haven't quite gotten the hang of, like a clown learning to juggle. I'm sure I'll get there but patience seems to be hard to come by lately!!

Anyways sat night was really nice as I already said. Misty took Payton right away and I was instructed to sit and relax. That felt really weird I kept asking if there was anything I could do, as there is always something I could be doing at home!! As I watched Misty interact with Payton as she fed and even bathed her I tried to imagine what the person growing inside her will be like. Boy or girl?? Laid back or feisty? As much as I want her to enjoy her pregnancy part of me just wants to meet this new person now!! A little later Phil was playing with Payton, it was too cute. She would take off away from him and he would stop her, she would squirm and complain until he put her down. Then with a mischievous look she would laugh, glance at him to make sure he was looking then take off again. Over and over this played out, I was howling with laughter. Again I thought of the growing baby. That is one lucky baby to have such wonderful people waiting for and loving it already. Yes a baby is a gift from God, but so are wonderful loving parents. Their lives are changing in ways they can't even comprehend, but in a beautiful, magical way. I have said a few times over the last year that all the excitement over a coming baby is like false advertising(obviously said during a hard time!!), that nobody prepares you for the reality. When the reality is you can't be fully prepared. But I don't feel that way anymore. I honestly am excited for them, for this journey they are on. It may not be what they expect but the rewards are so much greater. Payton is the best thing that has ever been given to me, besides grace!! The joys of motherhood far outweigh anything I have had to give up, it still amazes me that she is my daughter, she is so incredible!! All this joy over coming babies has helped me to find my daily joy again, helped remind me of my purpose and focus for right now. Raising my daughter, being thankful for my gift.

Thank you Lord for Payton, watch over her, help her to grow into a strong woman of the Lord!! And thank you for the gift that is growing inside Misty, help the baby to grow healthy and strong and help Misty to be happy and healthy throughout her pregnancy. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

!!!Warning!!!.....Vent ahead......

So I'm feeling a little crazy today. And why are you sharing this you ask? Well, to see if I actually am indeed crazy or perhaps just a victim of kids and heat and disorganization. I suspect the latter, although it would be much easier to declare myself insane and take a nice vacation in a padded cell, where I could actually catch up on my sleep.

I feel lost. Like a little bit of chaos has been slipping in day by day until BAM!! I feel like I am completely lost. Well maybe lost isn't the word......overwhelmed, disorganized, like a failure, dirty(in a messy sort of way), alone, and yes- crazy. Why am I still so disorganized? Payton is over a year and I still can't seem to figure out this whole stay at home mom thing. Why can't I keep up with the laundry(there's only 3 of us!!), dishes(again only 3 of us and we have a dishwasher!!), clutter, meals, ect ect ect. ARGH!! What am I doing if nothing is getting done? Or maybe my issue is lack of motivation, with the few moments I steal for myself I DON'T WANT TO!! I don't want to cook or clean!! I want to spend time with my husband, or sleep, or have a bath.....Am I just being selfish?? There has to be a happy medium, I just can't find it. I have been making a conscious effort to have quality family time, but with so much that needs to be done I can't relax and enjoy it. This excuse for a home is driving me insane!!! Geez, would you listen to me?? I need to stop complaining and just start doing. ACK.......see Michelle cleaning...happily.... :).......

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Now that they have told(finally!!), I can do this.......


on expecting their first child!!! Due in April, good month!!!

We are so excited for you guys!!! Lots of love and prayer headed your way!!

Monday, August 22, 2005

Odds and Ends

So life feels pretty hectic lately. Hectic and overwhelming, but not in an entirely bad way, just different. I've never been one that adjusts to change very well, I'm happiest with complete security, always knowing what is coming. Yes I know that sounds boring but I just can't help it. So quitting my job really through me for a loop. There was no way I wanted to go back there, I know this is so much better, and I'm feeling a lot better about it than I have been recently. I still have moments of panic when I start thinking about finances and the fact that buying a house will probably be years from now. I just have to trust God to take care of us, and I know he will, yet I still struggle, but it's getting better. I have to figure out some sort of schedule and get my house organized so although I may still be overwhelmed from time to time, I won't feel like I'm in chaos all the time!! Besides a friend told me that life after kids stays overwhelming, that's why we need to lean on each other. Which sounds like good advice to me!!

On another note, we went to the lake yesterday. My plan was to grocery shop and work on my house yesterday, but when Misty invited us to go to Hayward lake we couldn't resist. We realized we hadn't been to out to the lake for the day in two summers!!, and with summer almost being over we figured we needed a day out. I actually went swimming, swam most of the way across and back. It felt so good, I came home feeling refreshed. My house was still a mess but my body and soul felt better!! Payton isn't much for the water yet, I'll have to get her into the water more to get her used to it. I am so tired this morning, Payton has had a couple rough nights. She woke several times last night just screaming I really had to work to calm her down. I'm not sure if those darn teeth are finally coming through or what but man I'm not used to severely interrupted sleep anymore. Sleepy....((((((yawn)))))))).......Oh and speaking of Payton, she's started walking!!! Just a few steps at a time, but her confidence and number of steps are growing quickly. Pretty soon I'll have a toddler!! Anyways that's enough for now!!

Friday, August 19, 2005


A conversation recently had with Holly(7)

I am cleaning out Payton's room, boxing up to small clothes ect.

Holly: "What are you going to do with all Paytons too small clothes?"

Me: "Either we'll lend them to someone else who has a baby girl or hang on to them for when we have another baby"

Holly: "And how do you do that?"

Me: after a moments hesitation "Do what?"

Holly: "Have a baby"

Oh dear...

Me: "Um, what part exactly?" (I didn't know if she knew anything at all)

Holly: "Well you have to go to the Docter right?"

Me: "yes"

Holly: " We'll do you just tell him that you want a baby and he gives you a shot or something?"

Oh double dear.....

Me: "Well, no, you need a Mommy and a Daddy to make a baby."

Holly: "yeah, well how does it get inside?"

Oh CRAP, how did this start???

Me: "Um, well it's hard to explain, I'm not sure if your mom would like me to explain it to you"(hows that for dodging a question?

Holly: "Oh, hmm.....what can be so hard about it?"

Then lets it drop, thank goodness, I SO am not ready for that!!

Thursday, August 18, 2005

A single thread in a tapestry
though its color brightly shines
can never see its purpose
in the pattern of the grand design.
and the stone that sits up on the very top
of the mountain's mighty face,
does it think that it's more important
than the stones that forms the base?
So how can you see what your life is worth,
or where your value lies,
ohhhh, you can never see through the eyes of man
you must look at your life
look at your life through heaven's eyes.
lai-la-lai...through heaven's eyes(2X)
A lake of gold in the desert sand
is less than a cool fresh spring,
and to one lost sheep, a shepard boy
is greater than the richest king.
should a man lose everything he owns
has he truly lost his worth?
or is it the beginning
of a new and brighter birth?
So how do you measure the worth of a man
in wealth or strength or size?
in how much he gained or how much he gave?
the answer will come to ya
to look at his life through heaven's eyes.
lai-la-lai...through heaven's eyes(2X)
and that's why we share all we have with you,
though there's little to be found,
when all you've got is nothing
there's lots to go around!
No life can escape being blown about
by the winds of change and chance
and though you never know all the steps
you must learn to join the dance
you must learn to join the dance
lai-la-lai...through heaven's eyes(repeat until fade)

Through heaven's eyes, on the Prince of Egypt soundtrack

You never know where you are going to find words of wisdom, right when you need it. In this case, sitting down to watch a cartoon....

Friday, August 12, 2005

Well, Payton had her 1 year check up today. "My baby" is 26lbs 12oz, 31 inches. Is that big?? All I know is that she's healthy, that's what's important!!

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Where did you think you would be?

When I graduated I had high hopes and goals for myself. Or did I? I often wonder whether all the things I wanted for myself were my hopes or those of people around me. Regardless somewhere they became mine.

I was that kid who got good grades and seemed to get along with everyone. I didn't have a "crowd", I was friends with people from all different crowds. All my teachers and friends thought I'd "make something" of myself. What does that mean?? Does that mean being a doctor or a lawyer with high status and a high paycheck?? Or someone who gives a lot without expecting anything in return?? I don't know.

What I do know is I have spent a lot of time reflection on my life recently and I am definitely not where I thought I'd be by 26. I thought I'd have a career, not just a job but a career. Now, I think in my head the fact that I don't even have a job anymore is making me feel like a failure. I've received my last maternity paycheck and am now officially unemployed. Yes I realize that Payton is a full time job and if I was working I'd have to pay someone else to do it. But I have the internalized success driven model in my head of life should look like. After being the main money earner while Rod went to school and found a job, to having a baby, to being a stay at home mom has been a shock to the system. This is what I want, what we want for our family, still I have lingering feelings of worthlessness. Money is going to be very very tight, and I feel funny not contributing on that aspect. I will have some daycare, but does not make me feel secure. Maybe this is a fear of change thing but this morning I found myself freaking out about our future.

I guess where I thought I'd be by now wasn't realistic for me and I have to accept that without letting failure sit on my shoulders. I wonder sometimes if I've disappointed my friends and family with what I've done with my life. If I will be one of the ones at our 10 year reunion that everyone will be surprised at my life, the "oh she had so much potencial" girl.

I have so much to be thankful for. I'm sure that one day I'll look back and see this period in a different light. I am enjoying this time with my daughter I am just unsure where our daily living expenses are going to come from. I guess I am hanging onto something that I don't need to. I need to let go and let God. And I am trying, but I'm just not there yet.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Payton's first birthday

Well, we survived the first birthday party. It was busy but good. I didn't have much time to visit with everybody but I think that it went well. She had a great time and was spoiled rotten. Here she is eating her cake(and making a big mess!!) what fun!!

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Guess who's birthday it is today??

Happy Birthday to Tysey!!!

Hope you have a great day!!

Saturday, August 06, 2005

Life can be SO hard....

I talked to a friend today, someone I've known a long time but haven't talked to in awhile. She's going through some really, really tough times. I stopped and thanked God that even though I sometimes think I have it hard that I really don't, I have it so so good. I'm not going to mention any names but she could really use some prayer. For strength and perseverance, as well as the essentials like food and shelter for her and her kids. I also really want to introduce her to Jesus and feel like the time might be getting close where she would be receptive. I think that the only way she's going to make it is to find the strength to lean on God. All I can do right now is pray, and provide some support.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

I was going to post some pictures of Paytons 1st.....1st birthday party?? That sounds strange!! Anyways the party with the relatives back in Alberta. But then I realized that all the pictures are on Rods laptop which is at his work. So that will have to happen sometime later. The Party was really nice. Chloe(my cousin) turns 2 on the 21 of July, so it was a joint birthday party. We went shopping the week before and found matching shirts for all three girls(Darby, my other cousin is 3.5). It was so cute!! Trying to get them to sit in one place and get a picture of all three in their matching shirts was another story! There were relatives there who hadn't met Payton before, it was great to see them!!

Anyways we are having her "at home" party this Sun afternoon. If anyone's interested in coming that I haven't mentioned it to please let me know!! It's just a casual barbecue, I can't believe she's already 1!!!