Friday, February 25, 2005

My conversation with God

I woke yesterday feeling exhausted and vulnerable. Trying so hard to ignore what was going on inside. I've lived with it this long, what's a few more days/months/years. I went out to "clear my head" only to find that it would have opposite of the desired effect. Once I had my head on straight again(by my reasoning),with everything shoved back down and hidden away again. Where I like it. I found a voice in my head, one that had been quietly waiting for me to listen. I guess God was getting tired of being ignored and turned the volume up a notch(or 10). Much to my annoyance he was not to be ignored or silenced. I had to go pick up Rod yesterday from work. Our car has been experiencing some technical difficulties lately so I was worried about the longer drive. Well we over heated twice on the way. Forcing me to stop and wait for the engine to cool down, Payton was sleeping in the backseat so I couldn't even get out of the car. Much to my chagrin this left me alone with my thoughts. As much as I'm still fighting, at least he's getting through conversation went something like this:

God: "Why do you carry such a burden?"

Me: "I don't consider it a burden, it's just part of me now"

God: "Can I carry some of it for you?"

Me: "Then it wouldn't be mine anymore"

God: "What's wrong with that?"

Me: "It's like giving up, admitting defeat"

God: "Because you couldn't handle it on your own?"

Me: "Yup"

God: "You aren't ment to handle this or any burden on your own, that's why I'm here, that's why I've put good people around you. To support you, help you, give you someone to lean on."

Me: "But I'll lose some of me"

God: "No, the burden will let lighter and lighter until it's no longer a burden but a joy, still there, just different."

Me: "I kinda like it here, close to me, always near."

God: "It's the love you should keep near, not the hurt"

Me: "What if I forget?"

God: "You will be more free to remember when you let go of the pain."

Me: "There's just so much, if I start to think about it I get overwhelmed"

God: "One step at a time"

Me: "It's like a floodgate has been opened and I can't swim"

God: "But I can"

Me: "It's just to much, it feels like everything just happened, I'll land myself where I did last time. I don't know if I'll have the strength to pull out again."

God: "I am here, get your strength through me. There are many around you who care, strength comes in numbers not in solitude."

Me: "I feel alone."

God: "Open your eyes."

Me: "I am angry."

God: "I know."

Me: "I can't."

God: "No more excuses."


Miss-buggy said...

You had a wonderul conversation with God.
No more excuses. When you are used to keeping it in for this long it is hard to let it go. You don't want to relive it all. You don't want more nightmares. The nightmares have hope in them too now.
Being stubborn you still push them away. Don't let anyone in then you won't get hurt.
You're right. When you have had it inside for so long it becomes a part of you rather than the burden. God knows what is on your heart. He will set you free.
You can't handle it on your own. no matter how hard we try...

susanna said...

again: when i am weak, then i am strong........ 2 corinthians 12

Mandy said...

I appreciate what He said here : God - "You will be more free to remember when you let go of the pain." That is a very powerful statement of truth. I'm still in your shoes my dear. I will help you in any way I can. Maybe me experiencing the same thing as you can help us break through the gates together and swim like we've never swam before - depending solely on the life raft that is Jesus. You can do this. You will make it through this. It's going to hurt like hell, then cleanse like nothing you've ever seen. You are blessed and loved and on this journey only out of God's love for you.

Connie said...

Michelle, I used to ask God, "How can I be a Christian and have so much hatred in my heart." When God unlocked my memories of my childhood, it was terrifying. But He walked me through it, and He set me free from the pain, fear and hatred. I used to remember only the bad things about my childhood, but now my heart is full of love and I have experienced a flood of happy memories, memories that had been drowned out by the bad ones. That is what God means when He says you will be more free to remember.

I don't know how this applies, but it's heavy on my heart to say, "It's time to forgive yourself." Your FatherGod loves you, any debt has been paid on the cross.

Anonymous said...

God is good he's held me thru my circumstances I should have been one to give up faith but i did not!