My conversation with God

I woke yesterday feeling exhausted and vulnerable. Trying so hard to ignore what was going on inside. I've lived with it this long, what's a few more days/months/years. I went out to "clear my head" only to find that it would have opposite of the desired effect. Once I had my head on straight again(by my reasoning),with everything shoved back down and hidden away again. Where I like it. I found a voice in my head, one that had been quietly waiting for me to listen. I guess God was getting tired of being ignored and turned the volume up a notch(or 10). Much to my annoyance he was not to be ignored or silenced. I had to go pick up Rod yesterday from work. Our car has been experiencing some technical difficulties lately so I was worried about the longer drive. Well we over heated twice on the way. Forcing me to stop and wait for the engine to cool down, Payton was sleeping in the backseat so I couldn't even get out of the car. Much to my chagrin this left me alone with my thoughts. As much as I'm still fighting, at least he's getting through now.......my conversation went something like this:

God: "Why do you carry such a burden?"

Me: "I don't consider it a burden, it's just part of me now"

God: "Can I carry some of it for you?"

Me: "Then it wouldn't be mine anymore"

God: "What's wrong with that?"

Me: "It's like giving up, admitting defeat"

God: "Because you couldn't handle it on your own?"

Me: "Yup"

God: "You aren't ment to handle this or any burden on your own, that's why I'm here, that's why I've put good people around you. To support you, help you, give you someone to lean on."

Me: "But I'll lose some of me"

God: "No, the burden will let lighter and lighter until it's no longer a burden but a joy, still there, just different."

Me: "I kinda like it here, close to me, always near."

God: "It's the love you should keep near, not the hurt"

Me: "What if I forget?"

God: "You will be more free to remember when you let go of the pain."

Me: "There's just so much, if I start to think about it I get overwhelmed"

God: "One step at a time"

Me: "It's like a floodgate has been opened and I can't swim"

God: "But I can"

Me: "It's just to much, it feels like everything just happened, I'll land myself where I did last time. I don't know if I'll have the strength to pull out again."

God: "I am here, get your strength through me. There are many around you who care, strength comes in numbers not in solitude."

Me: "I feel alone."

God: "Open your eyes."

Me: "I am angry."

God: "I know."

Me: "I can't."

God: "No more excuses."