I posted this briefly yesterday. I didn't write it with the intent of sharing it with everyone, rather as a outlet to vent and let off some steam. I surprised myself when I hit publish and eventually my fear at having so much of myself exposed and vulnerable caused me to panic and remove it from view. Much against my own better judgment I feel compelled to re-post it, it's weighing heavily on me to let go of my fear, so here it goes. I hope.



I feel disheartened today. Disappointed at my own ability to grasp what God has put in front of me and run with it. He has been talking to me lately about where he wants me to be and what great things he has in store for me, somehow I'm still struggling. Struggling with life, with choices, with myself and my inability to be real. I have surrounded myself with a barrier meant to keep myself from hurt and have inadvertently found myself trapped in cage of my own making. Like a bird desperately wanting to fly but never moving beyond it's cage. I can see through my bars, reach out and touch freedom, hear it, even taste it but never able to grasp it tight enough to hang on. Sometimes I can get the door open and spread my wings, I can feel the joy and expectation of living free, only to find my wings have been clipped and I fall with a crash to a depth where escape feels impossible. I've lost myself in my fear, even I'm not sure who I am anymore. I feel like I'm wearing sunglasses all the time now, blocking the view of my soul, but masking reality. I've fought before and won but what if this time I just don't have the strength, the endurance, or the desire? I call out to God and he responds and I hear him with great joy, and for a moment, a minute, an hour I feel secure and I know everything is going to be ok, then when everything slips and I stumble and fall, sinking back into my chaos I am out of control and raging at myself for yet another failure. I can't help thinking if I want it bad enough, or had enough faith I wouldn't be here, in this place, again....still.