Today I woke feeling optimistic, that's an emotion I haven't felt for awhile. I've made it through and am feeling pretty good. I know it's not gone, I've been through this enough times to know better but I'm at a place where I can think straight again. It feels wonderful. When I'm down in one of my pits I feel like I'm going insane and wondering why I haven't gone to see the doctor. Everything feels like it's spinning out of control. I read recently on Nikki's blog something that is reassuring, LOL, that crazy people don't question their sanity. So I must be ok!!

God has been helping me do an evaluation of myself. I think I need to try leaning on him more and taking care of myself and see what happens. I need to be absolutely sure that I need "professional" help before I ask for it. I haven't been taking good care of myself, nor have I been surrounding myself completely with God. Don't get me wrong God is in my life daily and I lean on him for support but I think I've always got a foot sticking out from the covers that I'm still trying to support myself with.

So here's the plan. I am going to get more sleep. I know I can't function properly on low sleep so why am I going to bed so late? I think I'm creating for myself a crutch, if I'm low, or having an unproductive day I can always say I'm tired. Payton has been sleeping through the night for a month now, there is no reason for me to be so exhausted anymore. I am going to get exercise. My mind doesn't function well if I'm ignoring my body, I need to put exercise back on my priority list. I am going to bathe myself in God's word. I think I need to start my day with the Lord, take stock of my negative thoughts and emotions and replace them with positive scripture. I know much of my problem is letting Satan put negative thoughts in my head when I'm not paying attention, then by the time I notice everything seems so bad I can't handle it. Especially thoughts about myself, my self worth and self esteem get so low that it's scary. I need to be more aware or myself on a daily basis. I get so wrapped up in other things I neglect my emotional self. I'm going to re-start reading Battlefield of the mind(I started reading it in the middle because that's where they were when I started bible study.), there's good stuff in there that's exactly what I need to hear!!

Anyways that's where I'm at. If I work, really work, at keeping myself level and I still can't handle it then I'll deal with that. I don't believe I've REALLY been working at it. I work to come out of my pit but never at prevention. God has been working at showing me things that were keeping me under, that were keeping me from being closer to him. I think with his help I'll be able to work through some of my crap.

So today's job, work on my very neglected house. How does one so NOT naturally organized LEARN to be organized?