Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Where did you think you would be?

When I graduated I had high hopes and goals for myself. Or did I? I often wonder whether all the things I wanted for myself were my hopes or those of people around me. Regardless somewhere they became mine.

I was that kid who got good grades and seemed to get along with everyone. I didn't have a "crowd", I was friends with people from all different crowds. All my teachers and friends thought I'd "make something" of myself. What does that mean?? Does that mean being a doctor or a lawyer with high status and a high paycheck?? Or someone who gives a lot without expecting anything in return?? I don't know.

What I do know is I have spent a lot of time reflection on my life recently and I am definitely not where I thought I'd be by 26. I thought I'd have a career, not just a job but a career. Now, I think in my head the fact that I don't even have a job anymore is making me feel like a failure. I've received my last maternity paycheck and am now officially unemployed. Yes I realize that Payton is a full time job and if I was working I'd have to pay someone else to do it. But I have the internalized success driven model in my head of life should look like. After being the main money earner while Rod went to school and found a job, to having a baby, to being a stay at home mom has been a shock to the system. This is what I want, what we want for our family, still I have lingering feelings of worthlessness. Money is going to be very very tight, and I feel funny not contributing on that aspect. I will have some daycare, but does not make me feel secure. Maybe this is a fear of change thing but this morning I found myself freaking out about our future.

I guess where I thought I'd be by now wasn't realistic for me and I have to accept that without letting failure sit on my shoulders. I wonder sometimes if I've disappointed my friends and family with what I've done with my life. If I will be one of the ones at our 10 year reunion that everyone will be surprised at my life, the "oh she had so much potencial" girl.

I have so much to be thankful for. I'm sure that one day I'll look back and see this period in a different light. I am enjoying this time with my daughter I am just unsure where our daily living expenses are going to come from. I guess I am hanging onto something that I don't need to. I need to let go and let God. And I am trying, but I'm just not there yet.


kaybrayshay said...

I thought that i would have been done college by now...starting a new job..driving a new car...Now I am a mom and working....still not driving..Hey one thing at a time...God has put these things in priority for a reason..and I am not doubting his plan...

You are right where He wants U...Payton is such a joy...look at what you have created...a happy, talktive, loveable baby girl...whenever I feel like I am not finacially helping the household...I sit down and play or read to Brayden..knowing that those actions are more valuble. You are an awesome Mom...Payton is so lucky!!

Miss-buggy said...

It will take time to completely hand it over to God. We are programed to worry sometimes. No matter how secure we may be we still worry.
You may not be where you thought you would be or where others thought you should be but you are right where God wants you to be. Who cares that people are going to judge. It is inevitable. God will provide for you. He will for all of us.
I am not where I thought I would be either. I thought that I would be a teacher. But you know what, those with that much success like lawyers and stuff are usualy the ones that need the most help. (so I've heard) We are successful in God.
I couldn't be more proud of you. I love seeing you as a mom. And a wife. You are devoted to both as well as your friendships.
Be proud of where you are. I am. God is.

Kristi said...

i felt compelled to comment and now I'm not sure what I wanted to say.
EVerything you are feeling and going thru is very normal.
Its a greiving process of sorts.
You said it yourself, "officially unemployed"
you've given up the last bit of your independence and are totally leaning on your partner.
That takes a lot of courage!
He obviously loves you very much and is not worried.
Let yourself grieve. its okay.
Money will work itself out.
Enjoy your time with your daughter. she'll be grown soon enough.