Saturday, March 11, 2006

I hear it's supposed to snow

I started this many days ago, now I'm going to finish it so I can publish it.

Usually such an announcement would be received with much joy. This time when I heard it I wasn't excited. I've lost my snow excitement. I guess I should start at the beginning.

I grew up in Alberta, we moved to B.C. when I was 11. I miss the snow, well the Albertan snow anyways. Snow that sticks, that isn't wet, that's perfect for snowball fights and snowman building, that you can play in for hours without getting wet. But I'll take what I can get.

For years snow has also carried with it fond memories. It snowed minutes after Rod and started dating, it also snowed just after we got engaged. I always felt that the snow fell to help us celebrate, to congratulate us, that we had a kinship. Maybe that's a little strange but true none-the-less. I almost planned a winter wedding, just because I was sure it snow for us. That in the end is why I choose not to, I didn't want to have to worry about people traveling in the snow, nor did I want to have my outdoor wedding pictures snowed out.

It was a Monday afternoon when we learned that our baby didn't have a heartbeat, that it had stopped developing. We were and are completely devastated. Tues morning when Rod announced it was snowing I looked outside in total disbelief. It couldn't be, how could the snow that we both love, that has shared such sweet occasions with us be mocking us in our time of sorrow? I felt betrayed. How could the snow celebrate the loss of our child? I know that these were very strong feelings to have toward weather but they were very real. I feel like I've lost something else that I loved.

So we've had a couple of snowfalls since then, the negative feelings aren't as strong but the joy isn't there either. It's been tainted, snowfall, which used to make me completely giddy like a child is tinged with grown up sorrow. I guess it's just another thing that sucks about this whole situation, one of those unexpected side affects.


kaybrayshay said...

There moments like that for me too. One day my mom had to go to the doc's in vancouver, early in the morning, rushed we left. I ran out the door without shoes. On the way home, my parents decied to take me to the PNE. With no shoes! Yup, i was so embrassed. Now, everytime I go there I feel like the little girl with no shoes. No matter who I go there with. A tainted place to visit.

Shari said...

Maybe the snow was mourning with you. Bringing with it the quiet that comes when it snows.

Miss-buggy said...

This may be totally inappropriate but what if the snow was a way of God showing that He was celebrating your child in heaven with Him?
I hope that wasn't totally rude. Not my intention, just a thought.