Monday, May 22, 2006

Life as it is, was, or should have been,,,,,,

So I've been pretty quiet with the blogging lately. Unsure I guess how to convey how I'm feeling. Or maybe how to convey it without complaining.

Ladies retreat was awesome. I was finally able to let go of some stuff I'd been carrying around, the grief, anger, the never ending questions. I felt much lighter, briefly. I figured I would finally start feeling normal, whatever normal is. What I found was all the other stuff I had been dealing with before hadn't gone away, but just had been buried underneath the bigger, badder emotions. All the day to day junk was back, in a big way. I'm not sure how to get a handle on things. The stresses of life just feel to big.

Somehow I never thought life was going to be this hard. I thought life would be mostly smooth with a few bumps and mountains, really it is rather opposite. You know the picture you have in your head as your growing up of what you want your life to look like? I think I'm in the process of grieving mine. I never thought I had grandiose ambitions, first would come the career, then the husband, then the house, then when everything was settled nicely we would add the family. We would never have to worry about where the grocery money would come from, or whether the rent check would bounce. Life would be good, happy, smiley. Nobody you cared about would be sick, hurt, or die. The cars would always run and my house would always be clean. Of course I knew life couldn't always be happy, but I didn't REALLY know, you know what I mean?

I realize that of course this isn't a possibility for the majority of the population but somehow it's ingrained in me and I feel like a failure because I couldn't achieve it. I did things all wrong. Career? What's that? Dream house??(this is a house I pass almost daily and now drive by and lovingly say "oh look MY house is still for sale") It's quite nice but half a million???? Yeah right we can't even afford a trailer.

I don't want to sound ungrateful here, I have a wonderful husband and daughter and many people surrounding me who really care, and I can't express how much gratitude I have for them. I know we won't starve or be homeless. I guess I have to work on my contentedness. Try to be happy where I am.

So here's where I'm at. Our expenses exceed our income. On months where nothing extra comes up, we make it, but realistically when does that ever happen? Things like eye exams, dentist visits, van repairs are still waiting patiently on the "to do" list. We have had so many things going on lately it's crazy. It's a blessing this month that Rod has 3 paychecks or we would have had MAJOR trouble, end of the month is still going to be hard. Watching Andrew has also been a blessing as that income pays our grocery bills. My thoughts move ahead to the fall when I'll probably lose Andrew. I need to bring in some money somehow. Do I try to find more child care? Do I try to find a part time job and someone to watch Payton for a reasonable amount? Do I try a home based business? I get so emotional just thinking about it. We want to have another baby before to long, is that going to work? Are we crazy? I keep going to back to the desires of my heart, what would I love to do? My photography, but is that feasible in reality? It would be an investment to get the proper equiptment, something we just don't have. And if we did, would it be something I could manage? The income wouldn't be steady......and it would take time to get off the ground as I would need practice as well.

Dealing with our stuff is one thing but we are also dealing with the stuff of someone else's(it's a whole other LONG story). I get so stressed sometimes with dealing with this person. It is one of the only controversies in our marriage and I hate that. I asked that it be taken care of more than 5 years ago and somehow it's still an issue.

Anyways I've already said more than I planned to. Why did I tell all you out there about this? I'm not sure really. I think for prayer. We need direction, I get the feeling we are on the brink of some changes and I'm just not sure what they are going to be, what they should be. Should I be going back to work? Should Rod be looking for a different job, something that appreciates and pays him more? Maybe something closer to home so the commute would be less? Or should we be looking at moving somewhere that will offer him more? Right now I am willing to go where we need to. When is the right time to have another baby, ever? We also need closure with certain things. Also for guidance with making decisions, with making what we have stretch to cover our needs. I would also like to ask for prayer for emotional stability, I don't deal well with stress and uncertainty I go into overwhelm and shut down very easily and that isn't healthy for any of us.

Now that I've written this I'm not sure if I feel better for sharing, for letting it out, or worried about laying some of my crap on the table.....


Miss-buggy said...

Those are definately some things you have been needing to get out. I am glad you had a good time at the retreat. Try not to worry about the fall. (I know I am not one to talk!) take it all in stride.
Is. 41:10
remember that one!
Yes, life sure is different then any of us thought hey? But the thing is that this is what God had planned for you. We need to do coffee. Kinda hard with kids hey?
Know that I love you and we will always be here for you. I think I understand some of what you are saying. But of course not fully. Kinda sucks about houses hey? I don't think anyone would be able to afford their dream houses now a days!! You are not a failure. I am proud of you and so is God. So many are.
You didn't sound ungrateful. It is just things you need to get off your chest. Hope I didn't sound out of line here...

kaybrayshay said...

Life is a journey. One that our Father knows, not us. It is hard to accept what he already knows. I struggle with that all the time.

I tend to snap at Shayne when I am overwhelmed. Not the best way to deal.

You are strong, reliable, honest, and trustworthy. Amoung alot of other quailites, you are the perfect creature that God created.

I love you and here for you.

Shari said...

It is good to share your burdens.
So don't feel bad about that.

Life. ya. Well, very few live the life they planned as they started their journey. We all end up on detours, or heading to all new destinations. I know how you feel about the house. The reality of us being able to buy a home, is that we can't. It sucks. Plain and simple.

Keep talkin', prayin'. There is always hope. That is God's promise.

steph said...

There is an incredible author who I always seek when I am confused, Max Lucado. In the Grip Of Grace is my favorite title. You are right it is never the perfect time to have another child but it never lessens your burdens. If you are living check to check maybe give it more time. The time is now to make the changes you need to in your life. If you are not happy the only person that can change that is you, if you need to move move, if you need to work work. The worst thing that can happen is you tried if it doesn't work at least you tried. Don't be afraid to change your world sometimes it is the evryday that can get to you.

Kristi said...

I wish I had soem wisdom for you.
I don't.
i am sorry.
but its soooo great that you are venting. For that I am happy.
i am learning right at this very moment a new lesson in life.
Suddenly so much of what I have gone thru means so very little.
But even with that being said.
It hurts in a much different way to lose a love to death than to rejection.
Haven't decided if its more or less or what. right now just different.
Knowing that he loves me and really loves me lifts me higher than I've ever been...........
sorry I don't know why i am in a babble on your blog.
cause afterall its YOUR blog.
oh so sorry.

you jsut take care. Life has a way of changing so quickly

kimber the wolfgrrrl said...

Don't worry about venting your speen -- isn't that what blogs are for? :) We're bombarded on a daily basis by advertizements of 'the perfect life', so it makes sense to question what you have, and if it's enough, and if it will ever get better.... but don't feel like a failure! You aren't!

And please please please do whatever you can to pursue your dream of photography, even if it means taking snapshots with a cheap-o camera! If it makes you feel free and joyful, it's worth it!

Have a good weekend, no matter what! :)