Life as it is, was, or should have been,,,,,,

So I've been pretty quiet with the blogging lately. Unsure I guess how to convey how I'm feeling. Or maybe how to convey it without complaining.

Ladies retreat was awesome. I was finally able to let go of some stuff I'd been carrying around, the grief, anger, the never ending questions. I felt much lighter, briefly. I figured I would finally start feeling normal, whatever normal is. What I found was all the other stuff I had been dealing with before hadn't gone away, but just had been buried underneath the bigger, badder emotions. All the day to day junk was back, in a big way. I'm not sure how to get a handle on things. The stresses of life just feel to big.

Somehow I never thought life was going to be this hard. I thought life would be mostly smooth with a few bumps and mountains, really it is rather opposite. You know the picture you have in your head as your growing up of what you want your life to look like? I think I'm in the process of grieving mine. I never thought I had grandiose ambitions, first would come the career, then the husband, then the house, then when everything was settled nicely we would add the family. We would never have to worry about where the grocery money would come from, or whether the rent check would bounce. Life would be good, happy, smiley. Nobody you cared about would be sick, hurt, or die. The cars would always run and my house would always be clean. Of course I knew life couldn't always be happy, but I didn't REALLY know, you know what I mean?

I realize that of course this isn't a possibility for the majority of the population but somehow it's ingrained in me and I feel like a failure because I couldn't achieve it. I did things all wrong. Career? What's that? Dream house??(this is a house I pass almost daily and now drive by and lovingly say "oh look MY house is still for sale") It's quite nice but half a million???? Yeah right we can't even afford a trailer.

I don't want to sound ungrateful here, I have a wonderful husband and daughter and many people surrounding me who really care, and I can't express how much gratitude I have for them. I know we won't starve or be homeless. I guess I have to work on my contentedness. Try to be happy where I am.

So here's where I'm at. Our expenses exceed our income. On months where nothing extra comes up, we make it, but realistically when does that ever happen? Things like eye exams, dentist visits, van repairs are still waiting patiently on the "to do" list. We have had so many things going on lately it's crazy. It's a blessing this month that Rod has 3 paychecks or we would have had MAJOR trouble, end of the month is still going to be hard. Watching Andrew has also been a blessing as that income pays our grocery bills. My thoughts move ahead to the fall when I'll probably lose Andrew. I need to bring in some money somehow. Do I try to find more child care? Do I try to find a part time job and someone to watch Payton for a reasonable amount? Do I try a home based business? I get so emotional just thinking about it. We want to have another baby before to long, is that going to work? Are we crazy? I keep going to back to the desires of my heart, what would I love to do? My photography, but is that feasible in reality? It would be an investment to get the proper equiptment, something we just don't have. And if we did, would it be something I could manage? The income wouldn't be steady......and it would take time to get off the ground as I would need practice as well.

Dealing with our stuff is one thing but we are also dealing with the stuff of someone else's(it's a whole other LONG story). I get so stressed sometimes with dealing with this person. It is one of the only controversies in our marriage and I hate that. I asked that it be taken care of more than 5 years ago and somehow it's still an issue.

Anyways I've already said more than I planned to. Why did I tell all you out there about this? I'm not sure really. I think for prayer. We need direction, I get the feeling we are on the brink of some changes and I'm just not sure what they are going to be, what they should be. Should I be going back to work? Should Rod be looking for a different job, something that appreciates and pays him more? Maybe something closer to home so the commute would be less? Or should we be looking at moving somewhere that will offer him more? Right now I am willing to go where we need to. When is the right time to have another baby, ever? We also need closure with certain things. Also for guidance with making decisions, with making what we have stretch to cover our needs. I would also like to ask for prayer for emotional stability, I don't deal well with stress and uncertainty I go into overwhelm and shut down very easily and that isn't healthy for any of us.

Now that I've written this I'm not sure if I feel better for sharing, for letting it out, or worried about laying some of my crap on the table.....