Friday, November 10, 2006

Keep on Keeping on

I'm a naturally shy person, I tend not to initiate conversations, I shy away from making phone calls. I isolate. It stems from low self esteem and non-existent self worth. I instinctively believe that people don't really want to talk to me, or spend time with me so I shouldn't bother them, I shouldn't take up their time. I'm not exciting or interesting, I'm just me. Sometimes I catch these thoughts in mid-think and try to correct them, sometimes I let myself spiral into somewhere not very friendly.

It's no secret I have suffered from depression. Am I there now? I don't really know. I'm tired, emotional and scattered, but I'm also pregnant. I guess we'll know after delivery. I do know that I'm tired of just scrapping by, of working so hard just to stay level.

I've been thinking lately about how my struggles have affected not just me, but those around me. My mom's been there so she understands but I know she worries, Rod is wonderful and doesn't think I'm crazy at all(LOL). I hope I am a stable enough mom for my kids. That is my biggest desire, to be the best possible mom, to give them the best possible start in life.

Do the others in my life know how much I care about them? Friends and Family? I haven't shown support very much recently, haven't reached out. My security zone is not very big and venturing outside it is very scary. Putting myself out there just feels so hard. So my relationships suffer. I haven't been the friend I want to be, the person I know I am. I care so deeply about so many people yet don't let them know. I worry about them, love them, but from afar. And that's not fair to them. I can't expect them just to know how I feel, especially when I'm so good at hiding how I feel.

I have a lot to work on, but I guess we all do. In truth me and my issue's are just a variation of normal. I think Christmas is a good time to reflect and reach out, to try to show others love. To remember what it's all about and let that reflect in my life.

So to all those wonderful people in my life, family, new friends, old friends, please know you are much loved and thought of on a daily basis. Your presence in my life is so appreciated. I love you.


no angel said...

Just know that you are loved, treasured and prayed for to the nth degree by me!

susanna said...

totally understand - as i suffer from depression too. for years and years it destroyed my ability to really live. praying for you.
love you lots.....

Miss-buggy said...

I totally know where you are coming from. I am very proud of you. You stepped out of that comfort zone and talked out loud, in computer terms, about it and that is a big step. It is the little things you do that make us know you love us. You are a great friend. The little notes. The notes that you are thinking of us.
Just know that you are SO VERY LOVED. I wouldn't trade any moment with you for anything in the world. You are a great friend and sister.
It is hard to deal with the emotions and all the stuff that come with pregnancy let alone the way you feel. Just know that you are truly loved. You are prayed for. You are a gift in my life. No matter if we go days without talking or not. There are reasons why I keep pursuing. You are worth it. You always have been and you always will be.
Love you always. HUGS

Kristi said...

Nothing bad can ever come from being true to yourself.
Real as who you are.
The people that truly care and love you will accept you no matter what.
Your children learn by what they see.
Teach them honesty, love, self assurance....they will see you and others for who they truly are. Trust where they should and love all.
you Really put yourself out there in this post and in couldn't have been easy.
you are by far boring. You are just bored.
Stay strong, be real, and reach out when you need to.

Sue said...

I can totally understand too. It's hard to reach out sometimes. I've always found that others are very happy when you do. They've been waiting for someone to reach out to them.