Misery loves company

I have discovered something new about myself. I have a mean streak. Yes, yes I really do. Those of you who know me might find this hard to believe, or maybe not, it is possible to live in denial.

I have a wonderful husband(Rod) and beautiful little girl(Payton). As it is Rod can sleep anywhere and through anything, where as Payton often thinks that night is not a good time to sleep. So at insane times of night(or morning) Payton and I are still up and Rod is sleeping peacefully. I can be in bed with Payton screaming right beside Rod and he doesn't even stir. Now this is where my mean streak shows up. I often get the urge just to kick him, and sometimes I do. Not because I need him for something, just because if I'm going to suffer I want some company. I guess the old saying really is true, Misery does love company.

It has been brought to my attention that some "Dads", not mentioning any names, pretend to sleep just so they won't have to get up. First of all, shame on you. And second I refuse to believe Rod could fake being asleep so well, I could be wrong, but hey he gets kicked either way!!

Thank you Lord

I have come to realize lately how blessed I really am. I have so many people who care about me, really realy care about me, and so many wonderful things going on in my life. It's overwhelming really to think how some people have nowhere to turn and no one to turn to and I have so many places to turn for support.

It never fails to amaze me how God reminds me of this when I start to feel sorry for myself. It seems like every time I start to feel down about something God puts someone in my path who has it 10 or 100 times worse, and I have to say "Ok, Ok I get it, thank you Lord!" For example, I have a hard time sometimes with my six week old baby girl. She's fussy, sometimes downright hysterical, and I get overwhelmed and feel like I'm doing everything wrong, but it passes. I was talking to a friend of mine and she knows someone who's eight months pregnant and recently stopped feeling movement, she went for an emergency ultrasound and found that the baby had died. They don't know why and are obviously devastated. That made me ashamed to complain about my beautiful healthy baby who cries a lot. It made me stop and say

"THANK YOU LORD!!"

The Reality

I realized something today, I'm officially a housewife. A 25 year old stay at home mom.

People, here I mean people with no kids or people who did not help raise their kids, often don't associate being a stay at home mom with work. And even I, until after Payton was born figured I'd have lots of time on my hands. I figured I'd have time to keep up on all the housework, have dinner ready when Rod got home, and even be able to catch up on all my unfinished projects. Insert laughter here....

Reality check, Payton is a full time job. Correction, Payton is 3 full time jobs. My time is dictated solely by her. I have been told that it gets better, eventually she will sleep more, eventually she will eat less frequently, eventually she will cry less, eventually she won't want to be on my lap every waking moment. I know she can't help it, after all she is a baby, and I know she did not ask to be born.

I had a moment the other night at 2am when Payton was screaming and I hadn't slept yet, during this moment a question formed in my mind:

Why doesn't anyone warn you?? I mean really warn you...

When you tell people your expecting they got so excited and happy for you, nobody says "Oh I'm so sorry....." Essentially it's false advertising. I guess at that point there's no need to scare the expectant parents more than they already are.

And just as a footnote, even knowing what I know now and experiencing what I have. I would still have had her. I love her that much. I just would have gotten myself more prepared, physically, mentally, emotionally and then I would have bought more diapers.

Babies really are hedonistic

I've gone through many changes in my life, moving, graduation, first job, college, and marriage to name a few. What I've discovered is what any parent already knows, nothing, nothing at all prepares you for having a newborn.

On July 23 at 8:11am my beautiful baby daughter Payton was born.(that's a whole other story) I have discovered that life as I knew it has ceased to exist. I do love being a mom, she's beautiful and precious, but let's face it she's also a hedonistic little creature. All she wants is a full belly, a warm body to use as a pillow, someone to change her diaper and occasionally something new to look at. I always wanted a cuddly baby and my o my did I get my wish. You really need to be careful what you wish for. Just try to put her down and you will hear complaint. I feel sometimes that I am going insane.

On my most recent trip to my midwife I broke down and admitted that Payton wasn't a perfect little angel(I'm quite a perfectionist and this wasn't easy) and could her fussy crying be something I'm causing. What I was told was that she was a High Needs Baby. Yes Yes all babies have a lot of needs but this is a whole new category. If she's awake she wants body warmth and movement, non stop bouncing, dancing, jiggling, tossing, patting, swaying, and any other movement you can come up with. What gets me is it doesn't stop when she's asleep, while she doesn't generally require movement to stay asleep she will and does wake is you try to put her down. Sometimes I can sneak her into her swing for a few moments rest.

Some of you will undoubtedly tell me we've just spoiled her, and I might have agreed with you before her birth. She has been like this from the time we were in the hospital. So we do what every parent does, we cope, and we pray. I'm very sure God meant for us to have this exact baby girl because he knows we have the patience to get through this.

Don't get me wrong my husband and I love her so much it's hard to imagine loving her any more, and not all the time spent with her is rough, I can't imagine her not being here. She has started smiling and it just melts my heart. I'm trying really hard to enjoy every minute of her being so small because she is growing so fast and pretty soon I'll have a teenager who thinks she hates me because I won' t let her wear a miniskirt and stay out till midnight.

Anyways I was just going to write a quick little blurb to get me started with this blogging thing but Rod's got Payton so I took advantage of the moment, who knows when I'll get the next chance to write. That's enough of a rant for now.