Awakening

Payton woke tonight screaming like she was being murdered, I tried to get her to go back to sleep, to no avail. So I went and picked her up, the instant she was in my arms her whole body relaxed, she stopped crying, touched my face and tucked her head into my neck and closed her eyes. I melted, it's so wonderful to be loved like this. To all those people who hear about other people's children and wonder if they should have any, don't decide about what you see or hear, listen to your heart. There's a joy that comes with parenting that is indescribable, a feeling that can't be compared to anything. It's all consuming, passionate and soul wrenching. A little piece of me, my heart, mind, body, and soul is living outside me now. I never knew love could be so big.

So I sat with her curled in my arms, looking at her with awe, she's so perfect. I still cannot believe that I helped create something so beautiful, that I am her Mommy. It's an awesome gift and responsibility that God has given me, he must really trust and believe in me. I talked to her for awhile, telling her everything I loved about her, and as I talked her eyes opened a little and she watched me intently and with such adoration that I began to cry. I love her so much it hurts.

I heard God in this moment telling me that as much as I love my baby, he loves me, and more. I can hear him listing off one by one, everything he loves about me. I could feel him cradling me in his arms, gazing at me with awe. He's asking me why I feel such self loathing, for I am his child and am perfect. Everything about myself that I hate, he loves.

How can I be anything but perfect when God created me?? God wants me to learn how to love myself. I have seen myself now as he sees me, felt the warm fierceness of his love wrapped around me, I have no choice now but to hold my head up with confidence, for I am beautiful.