Friday, June 17, 2005

A little to much reality for a Friday, sorry about that....

Looking back I'm not sure when it started. I can only tell you that as long as I can remember it follows me, I am constantly looking over my shoulder in fear I have lost myself again. I have prided myself in the fact that I have never had to depend on anyone else, I have always managed to work through things on my own. I've pulled myself out of countless pits and patted myself on the back for a job well done. I have become so skilled at telling people what they need to hear in order to think I'm fine that I end up convincing myself that I am as well. Then when I end up back where I was or worse I feel blindsided, shocked and unprepared. You can only run into the same wall so many times before giving up. I've given up. I hadn't realized it until recently but I have. I've accepted my reality as truth. I've lost my fight and chosen to live in fear and stand firmly paralyzed where I am while the world moves around me.

Rod told me recently that I'm hiding again, in a physical sense. I had to stop and think about it but he's right. I'm not calling people or returning phone calls, I don't answer the phone or my emails. I go out more so people won't ask me why I'm not going out than for actually going out. I have no desire left, I feel joy so rarely now I don't bother looking. I had actually convinced myself that this was normal, that life was supposed to suck all the happiness and pleasure out of living, that if you kept putting one foot in front of the other you were winning. I think I'm tired of being fine, of saying I'm fine, of pretending I'm fine. I feel like such a fake, I've always been the one people come to for help, for advice, or just a sympathic ear. I've always been the wet shoulder, someone safe to lay your head on and cry. I've come to see that much of the advice I give I don't follow or believe myself. It was all well meaning and said in much love yet I can't take my own advice. What a hypocrite.

I am so thankful I know God and I thank God for Payton. Through God and Payton I still feel moments of great joy, even for a moment it is something to hang on to. In the moments where I think I've won there is peace, but it is fleeting as I check over my shoulder again. When the darkness starts to creep back in I always wonder "is this the one?? The one that will envelope me so completely that I won't be able to escape?" I used to believe that I pulled myself out of my pits completely and just kept finding new holes to fall into, now I think it's always been the same pit, I've just pulled myself up onto a ledge. And since everything looks so much better on the ledge than in the pit I think I've made it, that I can breath fresh air again. But that ledge leaves me so little room to move, the littlest bump and I fall again.

I need help. There I've said it. I'm tired of doing it on my own. I'm tired of pushing through only to find myself stuck in a place that is barely livable. I don't want to be in this place anymore but it's all I know and I don't know the way out. Here in this place is where the guilt lives. I feel pathetic as a Christian and worse as a person, a failure. I know to a certain extent that it isn't true but I can't escape the darkness that tells me otherwise. It whispers lies in my ears and I am to tired to fight them anymore.

I realize all this now, God has helped me to see myself. I don't like what I see but can't make the next step. I would have to admit there was something wrong with me, admit that I couldn't handle it, but the worst is admitting that I don't have enough faith and trust in God to let him deal with it. I feel like if I see my Dr. and I start taking anti-depressants that I've failed, not only myself, but God. I feel liked I'll be figuratively slapping him in the face, telling him he's not enough for me. Now let me make a note here that I don't feel that everyone else on anti-depressants doesn't have enough faith in God or should be able to handle it on their own. I know that many people need them due to chemical imbalance or other things out of their control. Here's where the double standard kicks in, for others it's fine and normal and I'm completely understanding, but for me it's just not acceptable. Which in turn makes me unacceptable. There are so many people out there with major problems and here I am complaining about my life. What's my problem?

Then there is the whole anti-depressant debate. Are they even a good thing? How long will I be on them? Will I get addicted? Do they actually solve anything? My mind starts to spiral right about here and I havn't even seen the Dr. Maybe he'll say I'm fine, get over it and I'm just borrowing trouble. But I don't think so. I realize that some kind of therapy is probably a good idea, but am I ready?

So here I stand unmoving, unready or unwilling to make my decision. I pray. I wait. Searching for truth.


Nikki said...

OK... this isn't even funny... I came down to send you an email about something totally unrelated and read your post. This is SOOOO me, especially within the last coupla weeks! While it sucks to feel this way, let me assure you that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. We are tested daily, hourly. Satan knows our weaknesses & vulnerabilities, I can speak from experience about that.
I believe that we're here to help each other. God doesn't want us to 'do it alone.' That's what friends and in many cases family are for... even strangers sometimes.
As far as anti-depressants go, I can understand your fears & concerns. Only you know if it's the right decision for you. They definitely serve their purpose, and nothing has to be forever. It's my understanding that they're NOT habit-forming but I think it would help you a lot to talk to a pro who knows the answers to those questions.
ANYWAY back to my original thingee... would you email me or call me 826-5262 whenever you feel like it. I don't want to post it here (why not! haha). Hope to hear from you! :-)

Mandy said...

You are struggling with the same anti-depressant issue that I dealt with. I could have written what you just wrote. I finally broke down and tried them because I knew that I just couldn't do it anymore, and not because God wasn't able, but because I wasn't willing, or even well enough to trust in Him. And He didn't condemn me for that. He didn't hate me or judge me for that. It was another choice in my free will that He allowed me to make and walked along side me the whole time. Turns out they didn't work all that great, but I hear you sometimes have to try different ones before you find your breakthrough. I don't know what to tell you, except that I love you and you are an exceptional woman of God. YOU WILL MAKE IT THROUGH THIS. And REGARDLESS of what decision you make, He will never love you any less. I believe His love for you just grows stronger every day. Be blessed.

susanna said...

so, i'm still waiting to have coffee and chocolate with you???

Miss-buggy said...

Chel.... you have taken the first step and that is what matters. You asked for help. June 16th's daily bread was just about that. It says "this is how the body of Christ is supposed to work"
It's talking about how when we share our troubles with others it lifts some of the burden. You should read it. The body of Christ? Don't fully get it but I do understand how much it helps to ask others for help. The toughest part is asking.
You know that I don't think you failed and neither does God. You just may need some help with the whole chemical inbalance thing. They helped me and I am thankful that I finally listened and took them. If I didn't who knows where I would be...
You aren't alone. We are here to support you very step of the way. I will not knock antidepressants at all. They helped. Just finding the right one. We will pray. Phil and I love you lots and lots and we are also here 100% of the way. REmember, God is 100% pleased with you. No matter if you need to take medication or not. You are His and He loves you. So do I

kaybrayshay said...

The card I sent you says it are loved and we are here for matter what!!