Bad dreams

I had a dream last week that I can't get out of my head. I can explain it logically but my emotions are still very raw. I dreamt Payton had cancer. She was older, how much older I don't remember but she had been to Thailand so I'm guessing in her teens. She had undergone treatment after treatment and was getting sicker and sicker, nothing was working. The last thing I remember was holding her and crying together, she wanted to stop the treatments. She wanted to go live her final days with dignity in Thailand. That was her final wish, for her family to go with her and stay until the end. "I'm not afraid mom, I know I'm going to heaven and will see you there, but I need you to let me go". I can remember my mind racing and the enormous feeling of pain and loss. It still haunts me, I'm crying as I'm writing.

At that exact moment I woke up, Payton in real life was crying from her crib. It was like she knew I needed her. I went and held her close still crying and prayed over her. She cuddled in and indulged my need just to hold her. The rational part of me knows exactly where this dream came from, a friend from high school's dad is very sick with cancer, the last blogs I read before going to bed where Mitch's and Jill's about Thailand, and also I have had to say good bye before. My sleeping mind just put everything together in a very scary and very real way.

Normally I wouldn't let it bother me, my dreams have always been random and unexplainable. Until I got pregnant, I had a few very specific dreams while I was pregnant, some of which came true, some of which I'm still waiting to see the outcomes. I'll tell you about one in particular that freaked me out. I had an appointment to meet my midwives in a few weeks, I had never seen them and didn't know anybody that knew them, all I knew about them was their first names. In my dream I went into the clinic and met one first, she was older, tiny, and had long grey hair, then I met the other, she was middle aged with short black hair. There was more details that I don't remember now. Anyways I didn't think much of it when I woke. When I arrived at the clinic for my appointment I was amazed at how similar it was to my dream but wasn't really freaked out yet because many clinics look the same. When I met Denise I took a double take, she was exactly as I had seen in my dream, older, tiny and had long grey hair. Still I thought I could have just associated a midwife with the older grey haired mother/grandma figure. A little weird but not completely odd. It wasn't until I met Sylvia and she was exactly like my dream as well that I got a little freaked out.

So now dreams kind off freak me out. Mostly they've been back to my regular odd dreams nothing of any substance, until this one. And no I'm not pregnant in case you were wondering, still I can't help the feeling of dread, the what if? from worrying me. Now that I have had dreams come true, what if this one does?? I know it is unlikely and shouldn't worry myself, but lately I've been haunted.