Just needed to vent

So I'm up. I should be sleeping, I'm exhausted, mentally and physically drained. Rod's working a few night shifts this week, which is great because he's here to help during the day. But now, when it's dark and quiet I wish he was home. I guess you really can't have your cake and eat it too.

I feel lost, it's the not knowing. I don't know if I should be grieving or rejoicing, hoping or bracing myself. The reality is a little bit of everything is going on creating one of the biggest messes of a brain I've ever witnessed. I pray, but I can't seem to form the words, I cry and hope that God understands. I hope he can see through the blame and the fear that I've been lashing out at him. People say that some day I'll understand that everything has a reason that it's all Gods plan. And although the little bit of rationality I have remaining wants to believe this the rest of me just doesn't care. I just want to hold my baby.

Does it sound like I've given up hope? Nope, I can't, it's not in me to let go. Not yet at least. But hoping hurts so bad. I've tried to convince myself that it's over, that this baby is no longer living so that if we get bad news I'm prepared. But I can't put out the spark, that little ray of hope shines on. My baby is saying don't give up on me yet, and I won't. Mistakes can be made and miracles do happen. So I plod along moment by moment, put on a brave face and go about my day as so many have done before me. It just stinks that's all.