Again I sit to write, write what's been swirling in my head for so long now, only to be at a loss for words as I sit here. My thoughts seem to get lost somewhere between my brain and my fingers. Or maybe they're filtered or blocked by the part of me that doesn't want to share.
I'm not doing horribly, I don't think so anyways. I've been in worse places before. I struggle with the sameness, the lack of movement in my life. I sit here waiting for things to get better while inside I'm shriveling. I'm living, breathing, moving forward, but am I? I feel stagnant, old, droopy, and tired. I know there's better out there for me, I have only to make the first step to get the ball rolling yet I feel frozen. I'm angry with myself for the hole I've let myself slide into. I've set up home here, decorated a little, added some new furniture, made it habitable, but it's still a hole. So here I sit and wait for someone to come pull me out. I want someone to rescue me. Look!! Look!! I'm feeling down, Look Look!! I'm hurting myself, Look!! Look!! I need help.
I so desperately need the God I've been working so hard to push away. I've developed "issues" with God, let them get way out of control. They've become unsolvable, questions there are no answers to. Topics I can't wrap my head around. My head has become like my house, so cluttered I don't know where to start. How can I start to weed out all the junk? What's my first step?
I've been told it's a journey, sounds reasonable enough, now I just need to open the door and take the first step. It's here that I freeze.
This popped into my head as I was writing. Thought I would share.
Psalm 121
'I lift up my eyes to the hills --
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip --
He who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, He who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD watches over you --
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
The LORD will keep you from all harm --
He will watch over your life;
the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forever more.
4 comments:
the first step is usually the hardest. but go ahead, take it even if your step is faltering. God will hold you up and then just keep moving forward......
It's so true about that first step. We think that we are stepping out into the unknown but really we are stepping out into Christ. He is the journey. I love you Michelle and know that you can do it.
I think that the 40 day journey that we are embarking on tomorrow will be a wonderful catalyst for you to move forward in healing and restoration.
Love ya.
oh Michelle.
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