The cat didn't like it, but......

Payton does!! maybe we will get our money's worth out of it!!

Unwanted visitors

And just for fun here is a couple pics of our poor fishes previously mentioned uninvited guests!!

Whats up with RSS feeds?

It hasn't been working anymore unless there is a title with the post. Is anyone else having this problem? I keep missing people's posts because they don't include a title, I'm getting fustrated.

If you don't know what an RSS feed is disregard this post......Just add a title to your posts and I'll be happy :)

Fishing anyone????

Everyone has heard about rambunctious toddlers throwing stuff in the toilet, well recently our fish tank has in essence become that toilet. Our poor fish has been enduring many visitors as of late. We have recently fished out of there, one(battery operated) cho cho train, one shoe, one duck, one dolphin, one plate, one flamingo, several magnets, one penny, one monkey, and one suction cup. There have of course been many many averted disasters.

Oh the joys!!

STUPID YUCKY TRICKY FLU!!!!

Andrew wanted to say hi!

Life as it is, was, or should have been,,,,,,

So I've been pretty quiet with the blogging lately. Unsure I guess how to convey how I'm feeling. Or maybe how to convey it without complaining.

Ladies retreat was awesome. I was finally able to let go of some stuff I'd been carrying around, the grief, anger, the never ending questions. I felt much lighter, briefly. I figured I would finally start feeling normal, whatever normal is. What I found was all the other stuff I had been dealing with before hadn't gone away, but just had been buried underneath the bigger, badder emotions. All the day to day junk was back, in a big way. I'm not sure how to get a handle on things. The stresses of life just feel to big.

Somehow I never thought life was going to be this hard. I thought life would be mostly smooth with a few bumps and mountains, really it is rather opposite. You know the picture you have in your head as your growing up of what you want your life to look like? I think I'm in the process of grieving mine. I never thought I had grandiose ambitions, first would come the career, then the husband, then the house, then when everything was settled nicely we would add the family. We would never have to worry about where the grocery money would come from, or whether the rent check would bounce. Life would be good, happy, smiley. Nobody you cared about would be sick, hurt, or die. The cars would always run and my house would always be clean. Of course I knew life couldn't always be happy, but I didn't REALLY know, you know what I mean?

I realize that of course this isn't a possibility for the majority of the population but somehow it's ingrained in me and I feel like a failure because I couldn't achieve it. I did things all wrong. Career? What's that? Dream house??(this is a house I pass almost daily and now drive by and lovingly say "oh look MY house is still for sale") It's quite nice but half a million???? Yeah right we can't even afford a trailer.

I don't want to sound ungrateful here, I have a wonderful husband and daughter and many people surrounding me who really care, and I can't express how much gratitude I have for them. I know we won't starve or be homeless. I guess I have to work on my contentedness. Try to be happy where I am.

So here's where I'm at. Our expenses exceed our income. On months where nothing extra comes up, we make it, but realistically when does that ever happen? Things like eye exams, dentist visits, van repairs are still waiting patiently on the "to do" list. We have had so many things going on lately it's crazy. It's a blessing this month that Rod has 3 paychecks or we would have had MAJOR trouble, end of the month is still going to be hard. Watching Andrew has also been a blessing as that income pays our grocery bills. My thoughts move ahead to the fall when I'll probably lose Andrew. I need to bring in some money somehow. Do I try to find more child care? Do I try to find a part time job and someone to watch Payton for a reasonable amount? Do I try a home based business? I get so emotional just thinking about it. We want to have another baby before to long, is that going to work? Are we crazy? I keep going to back to the desires of my heart, what would I love to do? My photography, but is that feasible in reality? It would be an investment to get the proper equiptment, something we just don't have. And if we did, would it be something I could manage? The income wouldn't be steady......and it would take time to get off the ground as I would need practice as well.

Dealing with our stuff is one thing but we are also dealing with the stuff of someone else's(it's a whole other LONG story). I get so stressed sometimes with dealing with this person. It is one of the only controversies in our marriage and I hate that. I asked that it be taken care of more than 5 years ago and somehow it's still an issue.

Anyways I've already said more than I planned to. Why did I tell all you out there about this? I'm not sure really. I think for prayer. We need direction, I get the feeling we are on the brink of some changes and I'm just not sure what they are going to be, what they should be. Should I be going back to work? Should Rod be looking for a different job, something that appreciates and pays him more? Maybe something closer to home so the commute would be less? Or should we be looking at moving somewhere that will offer him more? Right now I am willing to go where we need to. When is the right time to have another baby, ever? We also need closure with certain things. Also for guidance with making decisions, with making what we have stretch to cover our needs. I would also like to ask for prayer for emotional stability, I don't deal well with stress and uncertainty I go into overwhelm and shut down very easily and that isn't healthy for any of us.

Now that I've written this I'm not sure if I feel better for sharing, for letting it out, or worried about laying some of my crap on the table.....

Another wasted day

I've been so looking forward to this weekend. The first one in forever that hasn't been packed full. Looking forward to spending some time with my family, looking forward to getting some much needed stuff done. And guess what? Both Payton and I aren't feeling well, fever, achy, nauseous, BLAH!! Well at least we haven't actually thrown up....

Got these on an email, they made me laugh out loud, thought I'd share.

THE MOMMY TEST
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter.

She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

"Why?" my daughter asked. "Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"

"Uh," I was thinking quickly, "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy." "Exactly", I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.

When you're finished laughing, send this to a Mom (or a Dad!).


****

"Dear Lord," the preacher began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."

He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother

and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"

Church was pretty much over at that point...

A good read

I've really been enjoying a couple sites lately.

Very funny site about raising kids
One womans journey through pregnancy and miscarriage.
-She had 4 miscarriages and is currently 34 weeks!!

It's a little late but.....

CONGRATS TO KAYLYN AND SHAYNE(and Brayden too!!) On their marriage!




I'm SO happy for you guys!! The wedding was fantastic and everybody looked so great!! Love you guys!!

This and That

I've been wondering today who I really am. Me in the most precious most secret parts of me. The ones I don't share with anyone. What is it that makes me tick?

I feel lost, like I've lost who I am. I'm wife, mother, friend, child of God, but what does that really mean. They are titles, ways that describe who I am in reference to others. I am someone's wife, someone's mother, someone's friend. While these things are integral to my life and very important what does that really tell someone about me? What does that tell me about me?

If I were to stand alone what would be left? If I were to disappear what would be missed? Is what is there what I want to find? I think an overhaul is in order, inside out, things could get interesting.

Just for kicks: Things I love(besides family, friends, and God)

In no particular order:

1. Chocolate
2. Dancing
3. Music (especially something that makes me want to move)
4. An intimate evening
5. A nice purse
6. Sunny, windy days
7. A good glass of wine(or a martini, my new found love)
8. Fuzzy socks
9. A new haircut
10. Photography
11. A good thunderstorm
12. Scrapbooking
13. Flip-flops
14. Coffee(with friends is even better)
15. Blue jeans
16. A hot bath
17. A good hug
18. Mail in my In-Box
19. Not having to do the dishes