Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Ever feel like you weren't grateful enough for what you had in your life, then it gets taken away and it feels like some sort of punishment. I'm not saying that everyone who've suffered losses were getting punished, I just feel like that for me. Somehow I don't measure up, so I'm not fit to receive anymore blessings. I'm doing something wrong, something deserving of punishment.

It surprises me how much guilt I feel, like it's my fault. Even if it isn't punishment, something about my body couldn't sustain this pregnancy. The first day we found out there wasn't a heartbeat I must have apologized to Rod half a dozen times, instinctively placing blame on me. I was sorry I couldn't have born him this child. I ran over my actions of the past weeks, looking for something, anything that I could do better next time. It's silly I know, but I'm not feigning rationality. I think if only I had been better with my vitamins, maybe it's because I'm over weight, if only I hadn't been so stressed. I read statistics that state a woman under stress is 3 times more likely to miscarry 3 TIMES!!

I know this and other things going an aren't my fault. I really do, it's just funny how easily I can accept the blame, the negative on me, but I refuse to believe anything good. How many times do I or anybody else have to say good, positive things to me before I will truly believe? It feels stupid that I don't even feel in control of my own brain.

I almost didn't post my blog on Sun. It felt really very private, even for me. I'm not one just to come out to someone and tell them I'm doing horrible, but somehow I can write it down. I try to watch what I post because I've got an increasing number of friends and family who check my blog for "the truth". It's not the anonymous thing it used to be, although it was never completely anonymous because my NH family was always there. On sun, I wrote for me, then felt a push to publish. I thought what the heck, this is my blog and this is where I'm at. I thought I would probably delete it after a while. The response has been overwhelming. Support, kind words, and prayer have been showered on me. I know now why I needed to post it, because I can't get support from the people who care about me if I won't let them in, if I won't let them know I need support. I don't like to sound needy, but maybe that's the truth for me right now.

Thanks to some friends I know that I'm not alone, that it's ok to be in this place, that it's ok to be vulnerable. Linda wrote this as a comment on Cari's blog, it really spoke to me.

"One of the hardest things is being a Christian in a secular world..harder still is being a Christian amongst other Christians. You feel you have to hide your feelings while inside you're falling to pieces."

For me, it's so true. I was trying to measure myself against other Christians. The shiny happy Christians I think I called them. Well, I'm definitely not that, actually I'm pretty messy. Why do we feel that we have to hide what's going on inside from the people that should be the most supportive? I know I have fear about being truthful, fear of rejection, fear of exposure, once it's out there you can't take it back.

Anyways I forget where I was going with this so I'll end it here, for this time anyways, I've been doing way to much thinking in the last couple of weeks. I'm trying to decide whether or not to go to the prayer meeting tonight at the office. I'm not sure I could handle that much intensity for that length of time, especially when it's been a struggle to pray lately. The reminder email about tonight called it the heartbeat of New Heights, just the reference to a heartbeat made me want to push tonight away. Apparently it's a touchy word for me.


Shari said...

way to go Michelle. Keep sharing, keep pouring it out. =)

kaybrayshay said...

Chel, I am so proud of you. You are being more raw. It is a new characteristc that I am seeing in you. It makes me feel honored to be your friend.

angela said...

It takes amazing COURAGE to be as vunrable as you have been in your blog. I am so uterlly amazed at the beautiful person you are. The maturity and character that is emulating through you right now brings tears to my eyes. I have been in a similar situation as you before, and reading your comments brings back a lot of memories for me.I however, never told anyone for two years after the fact. Your openness will only help with the healing. I know first hand that carrying it around with you and not sharing it with other is a long, lonely road. You must really feel like you have a soft place to fall. That is worth its weight in gold. Keep allowing yourself to be real.