Fustration

Our appointment for today fell through. I don't exactly know what the problem was but I'm very agitated at the moment. I just can't believe it. They say now everything is booked, um, ok, why didn't you say that a week ago when we asked to be seen in a week??? ARGH!! When you say tues, it means tues right!!! I am going to call the Midwife and get something rolling here. I'll keep you updated.

FUSTRATED!!

The night before

Well, tomorrow is the day we have been waiting for. It's been a long long week. I've felt so helpless, just waiting. I've been trying to find God in all this, I have to admit I haven't had much success, but we've been praying, a lot. He just doesn't feel close.

I think regardless of the outcome I'm ready to deal with it. I'm so tired of waiting. Guess I don't have much for patience.

Praying, wishing, hoping, longing, crying for a heartbeat. Lord, please hear my cry!!

Let's start with a positive note, I had a really nice evening out fri and sat. Was starting to feel slightly human again. Today I came down with Payton's cold with a vengeance, no wonder she's been miserable.

Dad was in the hospital again. Last week for 4 days. He didn't tell me as he didn't want me at the hospital. There were infectious disease controls going on, it was probably for the better, last week I don't think I would have handled it very well. Do you remember me saying I didn't think he should be going home so soon? I was right. When he went back to the hospital days after they released him from Langly they still found morphine and valium in his system. Essentially when they released him he was very very drugged. When he added some alcohol to the mix(to escape the detox) his system didn't handle it well. They cleaned him out very thoroughly this time. Also I was concerned about his mental state this time, he was hostile, and delusional. His Dr, got a specialist to see him and they ran some tests and found he has some swelling on one part of his brain. They are going to drill a hole in his head to release the pressure, nice hey.

Anyways between this, everything else, and now having Payton's cold, I'm feeling pretty crappy. I keep thinking that this isn't real, it's all a morbid daydream that I just need to snap out of.

So I feel a little calmer today. Not so angry, but it comes and goes. I've grabbed ahold of a wait and see mentality and am trying not to stress prematurely, as much as I can help anyways.

Nights have been hard, sleep has been scarce. We are all tired around here. Rod is home today!! YEAH!! I haven't seen him to much this week. I hope Payton is feeling better soon and will decide again that her bed is a good friendly place to sleep. Our bed may be queen sized but with the 3 of us it's just full.

It looks like we will be going in to see the Dr. on Tues. I believe that will include an ultrasound. Then we will go from there.

I thought I had more to say, apparently not. I'll keep everyone updated.

This week sucks.

I can't wait till it's over. There is a good chance though that next week will suck too. (((Sigh))) Payton was up most of last night coughing, congested, and with a fever. She finally landed in bed with me which is where she stayed until this morning. When Payton woke me I opened my eyes only to discover spots, yup, a migraine coming on. Rod had gotten home at 3am(ish) but got up with Payton so I could try to sleep it off, which is really the only thing that helps. A couple of hours later and I'm improved enough to get up and let Rod go back to bed. ARGH!! What a stinking morning!!

I need to shower, I need to clean, I need to do laundry. I have no motivation. What I really want to do is go to bed and stay there. Unfortunately my life is not conducive to laying about. Shoot.

Hear my cry O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth, I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint.... Psalm 61:1-2(NIV)

Just needed to vent

So I'm up. I should be sleeping, I'm exhausted, mentally and physically drained. Rod's working a few night shifts this week, which is great because he's here to help during the day. But now, when it's dark and quiet I wish he was home. I guess you really can't have your cake and eat it too.

I feel lost, it's the not knowing. I don't know if I should be grieving or rejoicing, hoping or bracing myself. The reality is a little bit of everything is going on creating one of the biggest messes of a brain I've ever witnessed. I pray, but I can't seem to form the words, I cry and hope that God understands. I hope he can see through the blame and the fear that I've been lashing out at him. People say that some day I'll understand that everything has a reason that it's all Gods plan. And although the little bit of rationality I have remaining wants to believe this the rest of me just doesn't care. I just want to hold my baby.

Does it sound like I've given up hope? Nope, I can't, it's not in me to let go. Not yet at least. But hoping hurts so bad. I've tried to convince myself that it's over, that this baby is no longer living so that if we get bad news I'm prepared. But I can't put out the spark, that little ray of hope shines on. My baby is saying don't give up on me yet, and I won't. Mistakes can be made and miracles do happen. So I plod along moment by moment, put on a brave face and go about my day as so many have done before me. It just stinks that's all.

Update

No real news for you. We decided to wait a week before getting another Ultrasound. If they found no heartbeat again I just wouldn't be ready to make any decisions yet. If there is no change after a week I will be more reassured that nothing is going to change. I know that I shouldn't hang on to hope, as they were very thorough at my appointment and there was very clearly no heartbeat but I can't help myself. Emotionally I can't help but feel a little "what if?" hope. Most information I have found is not good for us, but I have read one story and talked with another person who both had no heartbeat with Ultrasound at a later date than me then went on to have one a week or two later. I know rationally it's very unlikely but as I do believe in miracles I am waiting and praying. Rod talked to the OB-GYN this morning, I didn't feel up to it. He understands us wanting to wait a week and I am supposed to call him to set up an appointment I just can't bring myself to do it.

I can't believe how many people have been through this, I thank you all for your support. I'm sorry I have been avoiding phone calls I just haven't been up to talking. I know I will have to eventually, just not yet. Thanks again.

Sad News

I had my Ultrasound. The baby measured 9 weeks but had no heartbeat. By then there should be one easily seen. I am destroyed.

Rod's boss has set us up an appointment with his brother who happens to be an OB-GYN apparently one of the best in B.C, for tomorrow. We will have another Ultrasound, just for confirmation, and to discuss our options if it is in fact(which is probable) that we've lost the baby.

Please Pray.

Here we go

The hospital called and I have an Ultrasound at 1:00!!

I'm so excited!! and a little nervous!!

And I thought I was tired last time!

It's been awhile since I've posted, and even longer since I posted anything of substance. And for a change it's not because I haven't had anything to say rather I've had to much to say. I'm not sure if that makes any sense but it does to me.

By now I'm guessing everybody knows we're expecting!!! If not, you do now!!! We are due in Sept sometime. I'm actually "on call" for a dating ultrasound because my cycles are so irregular my midwife wants to have a better idea of how far along I am so they know(sort of) when to expect things. I am so excited!! I didn't expect to have an early ultrasound this time because everything has been going fine. With Payton I had an early us because of cramping and bleeding, as scary as that was I was glad to be able to see that everything was progressing normally. I am a little nervous though that everything won't be fine because this pregnancy has been so different than the last one. But from what I hear that's normal. Variations of normal, very confusing.

I've been a bit of a basket case recently, I guess the combination of everything that has been going on and pregnancy hormone hasn't been agreeing with me. Tired, emotional, stressed, overwhelmed, worried, the list goes on. I was looking at myself in the mirror this morning and thought, girl, you look exactly like you feel. It wasn't pretty. I look so worn out and old. My energy level continues to drop and the number of things that need doing continues to rise. I can't believe the state of my house, and yet, what did I do today? Spent most of the day in bed!! Wow, listen to me whine!! I think I'll stop complaining and go clean my kitchen!!

Update

Our computer(well not ours but the one we've been using) is not working again. It's been out of commision for a couple days. So if I havn't been emailing it's because I've had to sneak on someone elses's computer to check email ect, and havn't been able to find much time to do that.

I wanted to thank everyone who has been praying for me and my dad. He's home now and doing much better. He really gave me a scare this time because his mental state was really weird. The Dr. said that over time of continuous abuse that your brain can't take as much abuse anymore and that mental instability becomes much worse. This is new for Dad and scares me. I hope and pray so desperately that he will be able to beat this and continue to be around more many years. Thanks again for everyone's support. Sat night and sun were very stressful and I could feel your prayers and they helped me get through.

I hope everyone is having a wonderful valentines day. I had some beautiful flowers delivered from my sweetheart today!! Lucky me!!

Prayer request

Could everybody please pray for my dad(and me). He's in the hospital again due to a relapse, I'm going to see him in the morning. Thanks!

Payton forecasts the future.

Check out Payton's blog.

I'm so excited!!

My baby told me she loved me today!!! Made me cry!!

Armed and ready( a sleep update)

After the previous nights sleep I went into bedtime last night, armed and ready, this was war(yeah I guess I'm a little possessive about the little sleep I do usually get). Before bed I gave Payton some decongestant, raised the head of her mattress a little, and put the humidifier(with vicks) on in her room. She still had a hard time settling but once she was down the night went MUCH better. Thank goodness!! I got a six hour stint!! YES YES YES!!

Thanks to all of you who were thinking and praying for us, keep it up!! It helped!!

So did you miss me?

You probably didn't even notice I was gone considering I haven't been posting much lately!! We had no computer for 2 days. It felt so weird not being able to check my email and check up on all you fellow bloggers. Rod fixed us up last night and it looks like everything is running smoothly.

Payton has a cold and it's been making her miserable!! Even worse than that is it's keeping her from sleeping. She's congested and coughing, she must have been up every 30min last night, eventually Rod just plunked her in bed with us out of pure desperation and an attempt to get more than 30min in a row. Then she woke up when he got up and refused to go back down so we've been up since 6:30. Needless to say I am exhausted!! Remember life before kids? When 6-8hrs sleep in a row was a SHORT nights sleep!! My goodness how times have changed!! So when Payton goes down for her nap(or should I say if), my debate is should I sneak some more sleep or have a shower....decisions decisions.....