Fun Fun

That that wasn't meant sarcastically for a change. I seem to be headache free today although I did just drink the last cup of coffee in the house. I'm so excited to have my Aunt and Uncle here, and the girls of course. I can't believe how much those girls have grown since Christmas. It was so fun watching them play together. We had a good visit last night, there's just so much to catch up when you only see each other once or twice a year!

My Aunt is 17yrs younger than my Mom and only 9 years older than me, so over the last few years we've both been embarking on the family raising adventure and have gotten a lot closer. My cousins are 3(Chloe's birthday is 2 days different than Paytons), and 4.5. I love that Payton has some cousins close to her age, it makes family gatherings so much fun for all involved.

The only bad part about visiting is the leaving, I get really upset knowing they are so far away. I cry almost everytime I'm driving out of Red Deer, or others are heading there. I guess there's a part of me that still feels like that's home. For those of you who don't know I was born in Red Deer and lived there or in the vicinity for my first 11 years. We didn't move out to B.C. until I was going into Gr.5 .

Anyways, I'm going to see if I can steal a shower and get going with my day. I think Donna and I are going to check out the scrapbooking store downtown. I haven't been in it yet so that will be fun!!

They're here!! They're here!!

I'm so excited!!

AHHHH!!!! Migraine......

So I was doing pretty good at getting things organized, trucking along. I wasn't expecting miracles just bearable to the point I wouldn't be embarrassed to have someone in my house. The tiredness eased off and I let my kid watch Dora(Bad Mom!!) and Andrew play some RollerCoaster Tycoon(Bad babysitter) , actually I wasn't feeling to guilty about that because it was yucky outside this morning. Anyways Migraine hits. CRAP!! I haven't had one in probably a month and I really didn't have time for one today. So I try to push through and finish cleaning the bathroom but the lights got to bright very quickly. Tried to work on the kitchen until every little noise about drove me insane. About 3ish I finally gave up and asked Sonia(it's very fortunate I have a friend who lives upstairs') if she could take the kids so I could lay down for a bit. Sleep was hard to accomplish mostly I just dozed a little. I tried to get up around 5 to go get my kid but she was having a lot of fun and behaving well so Sonia sent me back downstairs away from the screaming 5 kids. I was hoping things would get better but the headache was gradually getting worse and I actually started seeing spots again so I gave up and went back to bed again. Rod came home with Subs(wonderful man that he is) collected Payton and did all the night time routine so I could rest. I finally got up about 9 feeling somewhat bearable.

So it's after midnight and I'm still up, trying to finish what should have been done during the day today. I think I'll have to give in soon and go to bed or I'll end up with another one. Rotten time. Anyways, just wanted to whine a little about my horrible day.

Oh yeah, companies coming tomorrow. I'm expecting early afternoon. So hopefully I can have everything presentable by then. This shouldn't be so hard....((((Sigh))))........

Darn

Yesterday I thought maybe my tiredness was easing off. I felt pretty normal(gasp imagine that) but this morning I'm back to being exhausted.....(((sigh)))

Well, I havn't heard from my company so I'm not sure if they are showing up today or not. Last time they were expected the next day and they called and said "Surprise!!!" were almost there.

To all my crafty card making and scrapbooking friends out there I've been dieing to make some cards but have been to busy so in the near future we need to set a date to scrap. I need my fix!!

So not funny

Ok, maybe it was a little funny but if anybody tried something like that with me I would disown you.........seriously.


Check it out.

Hmmm....who would have thought.

My kid is not a big fan of change.

Her big girl bed is here!! And she was so excited, climbing in and out of it, pretneding to sleep, having alot of fun. But 2 times in a row now she has freaked out when we try to leave her in it and shut off the light. She asks to go back in her crib, then goes to sleep no prob.

Any suggestions???

Hey!!

I just noticed that my tickers differ in how far along they say I am. I put in the same due date and they are a day different. Weird.

This n that

We had the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner last night for the wedding Payton is in next weekend. She is going to be SO cute. We'll just have to see if we can convince her to actually go down the aisle that day. The ring bearer is 3 and developed a crush on my Payton in about 5 min. Which I may add she LOVES. He was following her around, helping(as much as he could) her onto the seats(which she could get up on by herself but would smile sweetly at him and say "help?? help??). He was hugging her and kissing her and she would giggle and laugh and then run away. What a tease she is....already!!! I'm more than a little frightened. I'm hoping though that now that she knows him she may go down the aisle is he does. If nothing else she sure will be cute!!

My Aunt and Uncle and cousins from Alberta are coming out next week!! I knew they were thinking about it and said probably the first week of Sept. Well they called this morning and are leaving either mon or tues!! I'm so excited!! Darby is 4.5 and Chloe is 3 so Payton will have a blast. Of course this has put me into a cleaning frenzy though!! AAHHH!!! My house is SO not company ready. Well, ready or not they will be here!! FUN!!

I'm 14 weeks tomorrow which puts me officially into the 2nd trimester!! YEAH!!! I'm still anxious to hear that little heartbeat again but guess that will have to wait until I get into Maple Ridge which could be awhile with company coming and all.

I'm going to be watching Matthew(Jordana and Thomas's little guy) a day or 2 a week for awhile. He's 12 weeks(almost 13 I guess) so that should get me back in infant mode a little. The fun part is being able to give them back at the end of the day. I looked at Rod yesterday and said I was looking forward to having grandkids. He laughed at me. Of course that won't be for what?? Like 30 years?

Anyways I need to find some food to keep me going for awhile longer, there is just so much to do!! I really will need some help organizing soon, I'm drowning in clutter. For the time being I'm going to hide it again but that isn't a good long term solution......it's just the only solution I know!!

Amazing

From this....



To this....


In 14 weeks!!!

What an amazing miracle.

Impatient and paranoid

Does anybody have a doppler heart monitor? I'm so anxious to hear the heartbeat and I really don't want to wait until my next appointment which is 2.5 weeks away!! We have a stethoscope but you can't find the heartbeat with that for at least another month. Grrr.......

I don't really want to rent one, but it may come to that...

And she boils over.

I've been having a rough time, and you know what? That's o.k. I'm not someone who processes things quickly. I need time, that's how I work. I will get through it, I always do. Right now I'm sad, moving ahead one step at a time, but I've had some good moments too. I'm not going to put my happy face on anymore, try to smooth it over so people won't worry or judge. I found out a week ago that we've lost a second baby, only a week. My grief, my anger, all my emotions, they are justified. What I'm feeling is valid and I'm tired of people telling me to focus on what I do have, and look at the positive. Don't get me wrong I'm very grateful for Payton and for the baby still growing away inside of me, so grateful, but I still need my time to work through everything. Just because I'm expecting does not magically take away my other emotions. And it does not mean I love the ones I lost any less. Does anyone expect people to magically get over a loss of a child or a parent or a friend? Please, just give me time, don't judge, don't diagnose, just support. I also apologize to my friends for not being there for you lately. I've been selfishly wrapped up in all my crap, I admit that. I still love you all and appreciate your support I just don't seem to have anything to give at the moment.

How did I miss that?

There is so obviously 2 sacs in some of our Ultrasound pictures. I guess we were just so focused on the baby we didn't notice.

Today

Today was rough. I would have been exactly 1 month from my due date today. I'm not overpoweringly sad, just feeling blue. Tired, headache, and sad. Trying to focus on Payton and my current pregnancy. Tomorrow will be better.

Conversation with my kid

Payton is getting so big. I love that I can have actual conversations with her, 2 year old conversations yes, but conversations none-the-less.

Me: It's time to get ready to go.

Payton: Going out?

Me: Yes, we're going to Oma's.

Payton: Oma's?

Me: Yup, to see Oma and Opa and Great Grandma and Grandpa.

Payton thinks for a second, big smile: And cake!?!?!?!

Me laughing: I don't think there will be cake this time honey, that was for your birthday.

Payton blowing out like she's blowing out candles: CAKE!!!

Me still laughing: I don't think so hun, but do you know who's coming home today?

Payton: Cake?

Me: No silly, who has been missing for a couple days?

Payton Cake!?!?!?

Me laughing: Dada?

Payton throws arm up in the air in excitement: DADA!!! Let's go!!
-then runs towards her bedroom to get changed.

Gotta love the little things.

Psalm 13

Last night a friend suggested I read Psalm 13. I said I would and didn't. This morning a different friend sent it to me in email saying she felt she needed to share it with me. Ok, I guess I need to pay attention. Thanks guys.

Psalm 13

How long O Lord? Will you forget me forever?

How long will you look the other way?

How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,

with sorrow in my heart every day?

How long will my enemy have the upper hand?

Turn and answer me, O Lord my God!

Restore the light to my eyes or I will die

Don't let my enemies gloat, saying, "We have defeated him!"

Don't let them rejoice at my downfall

But I trust in your unfailing love.

I will rejoice because you have rescued me.

I will sing to the Lord because He has been so good to me.

Today

I realized today that I haven't taken my recent struggles to God. I'm not sure whether I'm back to not trusting him with them, afraid that once I give them over I'll be hurt again. My vision of the world around me is so small right now.

I was wondering if people would share with me some of their favorite bible verses. Verses about faith, hope, love, restoration, whatever is close to your heart or you think I need to hear. I'm having a hard time finding what I'm looking for.

He's off

Rod left this morning for his trip. He's in Edmonton. I cried this morning when he left, I haven't done that since the first couple times I dropped him off at the airport. He actually got to fly out of Abbotsford so that's nice. I just talked to him and he landed safe and sound. I already feel lonely even though he wouldn't normally be home this time of day anyways, I guess it's just because I know he's gone.

I thought I was doing pretty well dealing with another loss. After all I didn't even know it was twins before I lost one. But my emotions have been pretty wild since yesterday so I guess I have more to work through than I thought. I just feel so...fragile. I'm very thankful for the baby that's doing well, it gives me a positive focus, something to be thankful for while I sort through all my negative emotions.

1 Peter 5:10 ...... After you have suffered a little while, he(God) will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation.....

It's all about me

Well, it should be. No, no really but that's how I've been feeling the last couple of days, like the world should be revolving around me, my plans, my feelings. The fact that it doesn't is ticking me off.

Isn't that horrible?

Hormonal, not feeling well, overwhelm, ect ect. There's a lot going on in the next couple of weeks and I can't even keep my house clean. I'm tired, or sick, or can't find the motivation. I'm very disappointed in myself.

Rod's going on a trip tomorrow and I don't know when he'll be back. Fri sometime. I had plans for fri and now I'm upset. I shouldn't be, it means more money for us and every little bit helps but the disappointment is over powering.

The sad part is I know I'm acting like a cow and I still can't help myself.

And the good news is...

The baby is doing great, the midwife found the heartbeat easily and it was strong at 170bpm!! I am so relieved. I think I may put up a pregnancy ticker soon, I'm almost feeling safe enough now. YEAH!!

Now for the bad news..

We went over the Ultrasound report from my u/s. We would have had twins. We lost one at 6 weeks. They were fraternal which means I ovulated twice. We are in shock. Amazed that we would have had 2 and devastated to have lost one. I have some grieving to do, I don't think I've fully grieved my first miscarriage and now I have to add to that. I am so grateful that I still have a healthy growing baby growing inside me or I'd be a complete mess. 3 pregnancies, one beautiful daughter, 2 losses, and still pregnant. Definitely feeling weird at the moment.

Oh So Tired......

I am Tired

Oh so tired
And I'm feeling a little frazzled

I've been overdoing it. To many busy days and late nights. Especially the weekends, when I should be catching up on sleep I am go go going and come Monday I feel hungover. With Payton teething and sleeping so poorly I haven't been able to catch up and my body is telling me it's done. My house is a disaster because cleaning is the last thing I feel like doing when I have a spare minute. But oh well, besides the embarrassment I feel when anyone sees my mess it's not really that important. Payton won't remember my mess. I am determined to start taking better care of myself, not only for me but for those around me as well. Not to mention the little one growing who needs me to be healthy. So if anyone sees me online late please heckle me. I just can't continue to push myself. I'll break down and that won't help anyone.

On a side note, we had a good weekend and I'll post pics sometime, I have many to catch up on. I have a midwife appointment today, I'm excited!! I've been dyeing to go but now that it's close I'm anxious. She should be able to find the heartbeat with Doppler today and I'm really hoping she will. I need to hear that little heartbeat beating away, the reassurance will be huge. Then I know we made it past the hard part and everything should be fine!!