YEAH!!

Finally!! We have internet again!! We were experiencing technical difficulties that were out of our control and finally we are back online!! I tell you, I went through some big withdrawal! I feel so out of the loop. Rod posted those pics from work.

Did I miss anything?

we finally got some Preggy pics of Misty

here is a couple of sample photos

Dance anyone?

So I have two tickets to the New Heights dance that I won't be using. I forgot to check my day planner before I bought them and wouldn't you know it? I have a very important person's birthday party that day!! This is why I should always check my planner BEFORE making decisions.

So if anyone decides between now and tomorrow night that they want to go I have tickets!

I refuse!!

I'm sitting here colouring with Payton when all of a sudden my throat hurts, by body aches, and I have a headache. What's with that? I just got over being a sicky, I refuse to get sick again!!!

Rod's bringing home drugs and to bed early with me!!

How come when my kid sleeps I don't?

5 Stages of Grief

5 Stages of Grief

Grief is a somewhat commplicated and misunderstood emotion. Yet, grief is something that, unfortunately, we must all experience at some time or other. We will all inevitably experience loss. Whether it is a loss through death, divorce or some other loss, the stages of grieving are the same.
There are five stages of grief. If we get stuck in one stage or the other, the process of grieving is not complete, and cannot be complete. Thus there will be no healing. A person MUST go through the five stages to be well again, to heal. Not everyone goes through the stages at the same time. Or in the same order. It is different for each person. You cannot force a person through the stages, they have to go at their own pace, and you may go one step forward then take two steps backward, but this is all part of the process, and individual to each person. But, as stressed, ALL five stages must be completed for healing to occur.

The five stages of grief are:
1-Denial-"this can't be happening to me", looking for the former spouse in familia places, or if it is death, setting the table for the person or acting as if they are still in living there. No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.

2-Anger-"why me?", feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with spouse of divorce, for death, anger at the deceased, blaming them for leaving.

3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.

4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal.

5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage. Realization that the person is gone (in death) that it is not their fault, they didn't leave you on purpose. (even in cases of suicide, often the deceased person, was not in their right frame of mind) Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward personal growth. Stay with fond memories of person.

Took this from Kristi's blog. Was thinking about the different stages a bit ago and what do you know??? There this was on Kristi's blog. Stupid stages.

Yeah!!

My blog was down for about 12 hours but is finally back up!! Yeah blogger for finally fixing the problem!! I felt naked without my blog up? What do you suppose that says??

And then I couldn't post anything for many more hours!!

Very fustrating. Not that I had anything important to say.

Would you look at that? She can sleep!!

Wow, I actually think I slept seven hours in a row last night, well it might have been six but I'm not complaining. It has been forever since I got that much sleep in a row.

Tues night she screamed for 40min before giving up and going to sleep. Then was up once at 11:30, I cuddled her for a couple minutes then put her back to bed and YES straight to sleep she went. Then she was up again at 4:30, but she didn't really cry just complained a bit then went back to sleep. She was up for good at 6:55 but because she had better night I was ok with that.

Last night she only cried for a min or two before going to sleep. Then was up awhile later but again only complained a min or two and put herself back to sleep. Then she was up at 11ish, Rod went to get her which she wasn't happy about, it's been all about mom lately. I gave her a bit of a cuddle, sang to her and put her back to bed. It looked like she was going to go to sleep but then she started coughing. Where did this cough come from? She had just recently stopped coughing from the last cold!! ARGH! I was upset, I can't let her cry if she's sick!! So after a few minutes of coughing followed by complaining we went and got her. Gave her some cough medicine and some warm water(but no formula, and she did drink some) and another cuddle, raised the head of her mattress slightly and put her back to bed, she went without a fuss and slept until 8!! Of course when I woke at 6:30ish and realized how long she had been sleeping I started wondering if she was ok!! I'm so used to her being up that when she isn't I get worried, so then of course I couldn't go back to sleep! I could have slept 8 hours! Imagine that!! I'm hesitant to say anything just because I don't want to jump the gun but it seems like she's starting to get the whole sleeping thing. Hopefully I won't be biting my tongue tonight!

Sleep, what a glorious thing!!

I would have never guessed

I went to the dentist this morning and I actually had a good time. And there was no sarcasm intended there!! The hygenist was really nice and we had a good conversation. Maybe I was just enjoying the adult conversation and need to get out more!!

After years of hating and dreading going to the dentist I am sort of in shock!!

I forget what I was going to say

Gee I wonder why.

A screaming 19 month old doesn't think it's bedtime, when in all reality it is way past bedtime. My poor sleep deprived brain has deducted that we(meaning one Daddy and I) have become weak about the whole sleep issue. Somewhere in the confusion that is a strong willed child, teething, and illnesses Payton has reverted. Bedtime issues that had been dealt with are once again raising their ugly heads, why you ask? Well it's quite simple really, because they can, because we have let Payton get back into the habit of if you call/cry/scream we will come, and she has started taking full advantage of that. I need sleep, I DESPERATELY need sleep. I will go clinically insane without a few hours in a row, soon. Rod is not here for conference but I think he would agree, it's time.

So,

She is not sick.
She is not hungry.
She is not afraid of the dark.
She wants to cuddle on the couch and pretend to drink a bottle.
She needs to sleep.

Repeat after me, I will not go rescue her, I will not go rescue her, I will not go rescue her.

Didn't I do this over a year ago?(insert profanity here) I think I need to go find something chocolate.....

Can't think of a title

I guess that's because I'm not sure what I'm going to write. I've been thinking a lot lately, again, still. I tend to over analyze things, figuring stuff out gives me a sense of security. It may be a false sense of security but it's something I cling to.

As I should be in bed I think I'm just going to jot down a few random thoughts to continue later.

Fears, specifically mine. I've found some hidden away under the surface.

Church today. Yes I went, and wouldn't you know it, Greg spoke on struggles. Moses, the Red Sea, standing on the beach, and finding your path. Hmmmm......

The stages of grief.

Self worth.

Moving on.

Maybe I should do a little mini series, The life and times of ME, or The search for reality, or I just hope you don't fall asleep, or I promise I won't sing.

Really, I won't sing.

I promise.

I hear it's supposed to snow

I started this many days ago, now I'm going to finish it so I can publish it.



Usually such an announcement would be received with much joy. This time when I heard it I wasn't excited. I've lost my snow excitement. I guess I should start at the beginning.

I grew up in Alberta, we moved to B.C. when I was 11. I miss the snow, well the Albertan snow anyways. Snow that sticks, that isn't wet, that's perfect for snowball fights and snowman building, that you can play in for hours without getting wet. But I'll take what I can get.

For years snow has also carried with it fond memories. It snowed minutes after Rod and started dating, it also snowed just after we got engaged. I always felt that the snow fell to help us celebrate, to congratulate us, that we had a kinship. Maybe that's a little strange but true none-the-less. I almost planned a winter wedding, just because I was sure it snow for us. That in the end is why I choose not to, I didn't want to have to worry about people traveling in the snow, nor did I want to have my outdoor wedding pictures snowed out.

It was a Monday afternoon when we learned that our baby didn't have a heartbeat, that it had stopped developing. We were and are completely devastated. Tues morning when Rod announced it was snowing I looked outside in total disbelief. It couldn't be, how could the snow that we both love, that has shared such sweet occasions with us be mocking us in our time of sorrow? I felt betrayed. How could the snow celebrate the loss of our child? I know that these were very strong feelings to have toward weather but they were very real. I feel like I've lost something else that I loved.

So we've had a couple of snowfalls since then, the negative feelings aren't as strong but the joy isn't there either. It's been tainted, snowfall, which used to make me completely giddy like a child is tinged with grown up sorrow. I guess it's just another thing that sucks about this whole situation, one of those unexpected side affects.

I guess I lied

Didn't elaborate. I will. There's a story coming. Again it will have to wait, I'm going to bed.

I'm having snow issues.

I'll elaborate tomorrow, right now I'm going to bed.

Thanks

The kids had just finished lunch and I was just sitting down to eat mine and write a quick blog when there was a knock on my door. Someone very special stopping by for a hug and to give me a potted rose plant. Something I could plant and keep with me, something whose beauty will remind me of what I've lost with joy rather than sadness. Exactly what I needed, my other blog has been saved as a draft to be finished at some future time.

I am so blessed, the people I have around me are amazing. I just have to learn to let them help, learn to let them support me. I must be radiating a need to be surrounded by beauty. I haven't been getting out much and when I do I haven't been captivated by the beauty that surrounds me. So instead it has been brought to me. 4 different times in the last few days someone has appeared at my door bearing beauty. 3 times with beautiful flowers and now with a beautiful Rose plant. Made me cry every time.

Thank you to everyone who has been holding me close while I try to work through this. The kind words, comments, emails, phone calls, prayers, and flowers are so wonderful. What would I do without you guys??

So now I just need to find the perfect pot for my roses.

Ever feel like you weren't grateful enough for what you had in your life, then it gets taken away and it feels like some sort of punishment. I'm not saying that everyone who've suffered losses were getting punished, I just feel like that for me. Somehow I don't measure up, so I'm not fit to receive anymore blessings. I'm doing something wrong, something deserving of punishment.

It surprises me how much guilt I feel, like it's my fault. Even if it isn't punishment, something about my body couldn't sustain this pregnancy. The first day we found out there wasn't a heartbeat I must have apologized to Rod half a dozen times, instinctively placing blame on me. I was sorry I couldn't have born him this child. I ran over my actions of the past weeks, looking for something, anything that I could do better next time. It's silly I know, but I'm not feigning rationality. I think if only I had been better with my vitamins, maybe it's because I'm over weight, if only I hadn't been so stressed. I read statistics that state a woman under stress is 3 times more likely to miscarry 3 TIMES!!

I know this and other things going an aren't my fault. I really do, it's just funny how easily I can accept the blame, the negative on me, but I refuse to believe anything good. How many times do I or anybody else have to say good, positive things to me before I will truly believe? It feels stupid that I don't even feel in control of my own brain.

I almost didn't post my blog on Sun. It felt really very private, even for me. I'm not one just to come out to someone and tell them I'm doing horrible, but somehow I can write it down. I try to watch what I post because I've got an increasing number of friends and family who check my blog for "the truth". It's not the anonymous thing it used to be, although it was never completely anonymous because my NH family was always there. On sun, I wrote for me, then felt a push to publish. I thought what the heck, this is my blog and this is where I'm at. I thought I would probably delete it after a while. The response has been overwhelming. Support, kind words, and prayer have been showered on me. I know now why I needed to post it, because I can't get support from the people who care about me if I won't let them in, if I won't let them know I need support. I don't like to sound needy, but maybe that's the truth for me right now.

Thanks to some friends I know that I'm not alone, that it's ok to be in this place, that it's ok to be vulnerable. Linda wrote this as a comment on Cari's blog, it really spoke to me.

"One of the hardest things is being a Christian in a secular world..harder still is being a Christian amongst other Christians. You feel you have to hide your feelings while inside you're falling to pieces."

For me, it's so true. I was trying to measure myself against other Christians. The shiny happy Christians I think I called them. Well, I'm definitely not that, actually I'm pretty messy. Why do we feel that we have to hide what's going on inside from the people that should be the most supportive? I know I have fear about being truthful, fear of rejection, fear of exposure, once it's out there you can't take it back.

Anyways I forget where I was going with this so I'll end it here, for this time anyways, I've been doing way to much thinking in the last couple of weeks. I'm trying to decide whether or not to go to the prayer meeting tonight at the office. I'm not sure I could handle that much intensity for that length of time, especially when it's been a struggle to pray lately. The reminder email about tonight called it the heartbeat of New Heights, just the reference to a heartbeat made me want to push tonight away. Apparently it's a touchy word for me.

Strange I know

I heard this song today and it really struck me, not about a boyfriend rather about God and Jesus. I guess I don't have a lot of faith in a father figure, or any male for that matter, I just don't think they will stick around. I wonder sometimes why(and if) God bothers with me. Why he doesn't give up when I throw tantrums and dig my heals in. I could so easily scream some of these verses word for word at God, and have. And the answer is always yes, YES, he is strong enough to carry you and always willing, if you'll let him. I'm just not there yet.

Strong enough

God I feel like hell tonight
The tears of rage I cannot fight
I'd be the last to help you understand

1-Are you strong enough to be my man..

Well, nothing's true, and nothing's right
So let me be alone tonight
'Cause you can't change the way I am
(rpt 1)

2-Lie to me, I promise I'll believe
Lie to me, but please don't leave

I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
Just try and love me if you can
(rpt 1, 1...)

3-When I've shown you
That I just don't care
When I'm throwing punches in the air
When I'm broken down and i can't stand

Are you strong enough to be my man..

(rpt , 3, 2)

Sheryl Crow

Payton posted a couple new pics here.

This song has been in my head for a couple days.

Tears in Heaven

Would you know my name
if I saw you in heaven?
Would you feel the same
if I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on
'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven...

Would you hold my hand
if I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
if I saw you in heaven?
I'll find my way through night and day
'Cause I know I just can't stay here in heaven...

Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees
Time can break your heart, have you begging please...

Beyond the door there's peace I'm sure
And I know there'll be no more tears in heaven...

Would you know my name
if I saw you in heaven?
Would you feel the same
if I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on
'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven...

Eric Clapton

And the cat came back....

We thought he was a goner but the cat came back.....5 whole days later!!

Who knows what he was up to but he JUST returned. And he's definitely lighter. He keeps meowing and running between me, Rod and the food dish!! To funny!

And he just woke the baby...DARN!! Guess she missed her "meow"!!

I thought I was doing ok, I was wrong.

Sometimes I wish I didn't believe. Life would be a lot simpler, I could accept things as happening for no reason. It was just one of those things, but I don't believe in things just happening. There is a plan, there is always a reason. God could fix all things if he wanted to. Why doesn't he want to? He gave us free will yes, but so many things don't come out of choices we make. Maybe I need to be reminded why I believe. Where has it gotten me? I see people with peace in the midst of struggle and I want that. Yet I struggle against it.

I'm at home, where should I be? Church, I'm a Christian, I believe in God, I should be worshiping. The truth? I don't want to. I don't feel like it. I'm beginning to think I'm not a very good person after all. Rod asked me why I didn't want to go, I told him I didn't feel like being fake today. I don't feel like worshipping so why go to the place of worship? I don't feel like pretending I'm ok today, so I'll stay in bed.

Yes, I lost a baby, I feel hurt, I feel pain, I feel loss, I feel grief, I feel sadness, I feel loneliness, I feel anger, I feel betrayal, I feel fear, I feel helpless, it feels hopeless. I can't truthfully blame all of my crap on the loss though. I was struggling before I was pregnant, the loss just gives me a reason to feel and amplifies all the emotion that was already present. It justifies my wanting to stay in bed. It gives a face to my struggle.

I look around, I talk to people, I read blogs. People are struggling, with many different things, yet they are stronger than me. I am weak. I put on a good show but inwardly I am a coward. I lash out, I blame, I yell, I scream, I lose myself in lack of faith. Why can't I allow myself to hang on? I curl up and hide, I just can't deal. What if everything that happens to me is my fault? Because God is the only one who truly can see in my head and I don't think he likes what he sees. What if he took my baby to lighten the load on me? He didn't think I could handle it. What if he was just being merciful. What if my baby didn't make it because I didn't pray enough? If I had been more faithful would he have given me the miracle I so desperately wanted?

Why can't I be one of those shiny happy people who just seem to get it? They don't waver in their faith. They struggle with dignity. Maybe it's reflective of who they are on the inside, maybe I'm rotting from the inside out. I worry I can't be a good enough wife to my husband, a good enough mother to my daughter, a good enough friend to the people I care about. Lately it's been all about me. Is this what life's about? Because it stinks.


I'm a mess. End of story. Please don't try to fix me, I just needed to get out some of the conflict going on in my head.

I would like to ask for prayer for Mandy. She is home sick with pneumonia

Has anyone seen this cat?

My cat is missing :(

We lost the baby. The Ultrasound showed no heartbeat and no development in the past week. So we opted to have the D&C while we where there. I got admitted and moved to daycare until it was my turn for surgery. I didn't get into surgery until about 5 and was in recovery until after 6:30. It was a long day and I'm glad it's almost over. I'm developing a migraine so that's it for now. I think I may take a bit of a break from blogging, I'm just worn out.

Thank you to everyone for your on going prayers and support. It has been so appreciated.

Update

Just copied and pasted the email I just wrote.

Just a quick note to let you know whats going on. Thank you so much for your continued prayer. Today I am going to Ridge meadows hospital to meet with the Dr. that my midwife works with. From my ultrasound report the Dr. and midwife both suggested going straight to a D&C. I got the midwife to read me the report and found not only did the baby not have a heartbeat but that either the yolk sac or gestational sac(I can't remember which) was abnormal in shape meaning it hadn't developed properly. I couldn't go ahead with the D&C without another ultrasound, just for my own peace of mind. So because the ultrasound appointments were booked solid they arranged for me to meet the Dr. in Maternity and do an ultrasound on the maternity departments machine. Depending on the results from that I will be doing a D&C as well today. They are concerned about waiting any longer as there can be health risks involved for me if we wait to long.