And I thought I was tired last time!

It's been awhile since I've posted, and even longer since I posted anything of substance. And for a change it's not because I haven't had anything to say rather I've had to much to say. I'm not sure if that makes any sense but it does to me.

By now I'm guessing everybody knows we're expecting!!! If not, you do now!!! We are due in Sept sometime. I'm actually "on call" for a dating ultrasound because my cycles are so irregular my midwife wants to have a better idea of how far along I am so they know(sort of) when to expect things. I am so excited!! I didn't expect to have an early ultrasound this time because everything has been going fine. With Payton I had an early us because of cramping and bleeding, as scary as that was I was glad to be able to see that everything was progressing normally. I am a little nervous though that everything won't be fine because this pregnancy has been so different than the last one. But from what I hear that's normal. Variations of normal, very confusing.

I've been a bit of a basket case recently, I guess the combination of everything that has been going on and pregnancy hormone hasn't been agreeing with me. Tired, emotional, stressed, overwhelmed, worried, the list goes on. I was looking at myself in the mirror this morning and thought, girl, you look exactly like you feel. It wasn't pretty. I look so worn out and old. My energy level continues to drop and the number of things that need doing continues to rise. I can't believe the state of my house, and yet, what did I do today? Spent most of the day in bed!! Wow, listen to me whine!! I think I'll stop complaining and go clean my kitchen!!

Update

Our computer(well not ours but the one we've been using) is not working again. It's been out of commision for a couple days. So if I havn't been emailing it's because I've had to sneak on someone elses's computer to check email ect, and havn't been able to find much time to do that.

I wanted to thank everyone who has been praying for me and my dad. He's home now and doing much better. He really gave me a scare this time because his mental state was really weird. The Dr. said that over time of continuous abuse that your brain can't take as much abuse anymore and that mental instability becomes much worse. This is new for Dad and scares me. I hope and pray so desperately that he will be able to beat this and continue to be around more many years. Thanks again for everyone's support. Sat night and sun were very stressful and I could feel your prayers and they helped me get through.

I hope everyone is having a wonderful valentines day. I had some beautiful flowers delivered from my sweetheart today!! Lucky me!!

Prayer request

Could everybody please pray for my dad(and me). He's in the hospital again due to a relapse, I'm going to see him in the morning. Thanks!

Payton forecasts the future.

Check out Payton's blog.

I'm so excited!!

My baby told me she loved me today!!! Made me cry!!

Armed and ready( a sleep update)

After the previous nights sleep I went into bedtime last night, armed and ready, this was war(yeah I guess I'm a little possessive about the little sleep I do usually get). Before bed I gave Payton some decongestant, raised the head of her mattress a little, and put the humidifier(with vicks) on in her room. She still had a hard time settling but once she was down the night went MUCH better. Thank goodness!! I got a six hour stint!! YES YES YES!!

Thanks to all of you who were thinking and praying for us, keep it up!! It helped!!

So did you miss me?

You probably didn't even notice I was gone considering I haven't been posting much lately!! We had no computer for 2 days. It felt so weird not being able to check my email and check up on all you fellow bloggers. Rod fixed us up last night and it looks like everything is running smoothly.

Payton has a cold and it's been making her miserable!! Even worse than that is it's keeping her from sleeping. She's congested and coughing, she must have been up every 30min last night, eventually Rod just plunked her in bed with us out of pure desperation and an attempt to get more than 30min in a row. Then she woke up when he got up and refused to go back down so we've been up since 6:30. Needless to say I am exhausted!! Remember life before kids? When 6-8hrs sleep in a row was a SHORT nights sleep!! My goodness how times have changed!! So when Payton goes down for her nap(or should I say if), my debate is should I sneak some more sleep or have a shower....decisions decisions.....

Highlight of my day

Having a bath with my kid. We spent 45min filling and emptying buckets of various sizes. I got a "tank-you" every time I helped her fill one of hers. Loved it!!

I've been experiencing a lag, a lack of motivation to blog. Nothing major wrong, just been the same old stuff. Doing ok, just happy to sit in the background and read for a bit. I'm sure it won't last to long, it never does!!

What's with that?

Someone mentioned to me today that all the blogs had seemed very down lately. I stopped and thought about that and it's true, mine too. I think a lot of us are struggling right now and use their blogs as an outlet, I know I do. But how come when I have a good day, moment, or thought I don't feel compelled to write but if I'm having a bad day I feel the need to vent? I'm not saying there is anything wrong with venting but I personally need to find a balance. My life certainly isn't all bad, it's not even close to being bad. Somethings are hard yes but there are so many good things as well. I certainly don't want to give the woe-is-me impression all the time...YUCK!!

Have I become so accustomed to the good things I have in my life that I take them for granted. The very thought horrifies me. I think I need to re-program some optimism and thankfulness back into myself. I love to laugh and have a good time, why doesn't my writing imply that? I don't feel my personality comes across well, reading back over some of the other stuff I wrote I find myself thinking do I even have a sense of humor anymore? Maybe I really am in trouble!! LOL!! Am I letting people in? Sometimes I think I get to personal, divulge to much about myself when in actual reality I'm being very selective about what goes out there. You get a crumb not a cake. Maybe I really do need to clean out my fridge!!(quoting Cari) ...or at least open it up and let it air!!

My daughter and Andrew are in Payton's room, having a dance in the dark with flashlights. And of course the door MUST be closed!! There's a whole lotta giggling going on!!

It's really very cute...but....when do I start to worry about such things???

Tis the season

Well, I've been sick. YUCK!! I hate being sick. I have that really nasty cold that's been going around. Today is the first day in forever that I feel halfway normal. Still tired, and have my cough, but so much better than I was. YEAH!! So now I've got to take care of myself so it doesn't sneak back!

And clean my house, which seems mysteriously to get messy when I'm out of commission....I wonder how that happens??

As much as I always look forward to weekends, they always seem to be a let down. I think it's my fault in that I build them up, expect to much from them. Then when another weekend is gone without meeting my expectations I always feel bad, mostly mad about myself for not utilizing the time I had more efficiently. I need to let it go and just enjoy the time I have, time with my husband, time with my daughter, time away from home, just enjoy the break not put to many expectations on it. I do that though, have high expectations, for everything. It seems to be my undoing so often. I build things up only to crash when they crumble. The good news is I've been working on it, maybe not lowering my expectations per say, but making sure I don't have unrealistic expectations.

Overall it seems to make me a happier person, and that's what I want. To be more content where I'm at. Am I where I thought I'd be by 26? Nope, is that ok? Most of the time(can't say yes, that wouldn't be completely true). The truth is I'm not where I thought I'd be but I also have so much more that I wanted. There is a much bigger world out there, much more important things than having the dream career, a big house, and money to spare. I've met many well off people, they weren't any happier than we were, some were downright miserable. We have so much more under our little, cluttered two bedroom suite than many people have in mansions. We have family, we have love, and we have God. What else is important? I'm sure the other things will come with time, but maybe they won't and I can't let myself be wrapped up in material things.

I am thankful for what I have.
-I am thankful for a wonderful husband(who let me sleep in this morning because I'm not feeling well even though he's tired too).
-I'm thankful for a beautiful rambunctious daughter who constantly reminds me what lives all about.
-I'm thankful for family who loves us and watches over us.
- I'm thankful for friends who are more like family, with whom I can share with and feel safe doing so.
-I'm thankful Rod has a job.
-I'm thankful to be able to stay home with my daughter.
-I'm thankful for landlords who are friends and care about us, not the money.
-I'm thankful for our health.
-I'm thankful for a God who loves us no matter what and will always take care of us.

I'm thankful for my life.

Payton,

Mama is tired. She has being really relaxed about making you sleep through the night. She can't stand the thought of not going to you when you cry at night, wondering why isn't my mama coming? She can handle getting up once at night to sooth you and cuddle you, you are growing so fast she doesn't want to miss a moment. She doesn't know if you've got more teeth coming, aren't feeling well, or are just taking advantage of her softness but you can't keep getting up 6 times a night. She will reach a breaking point and will be forced into a decision you won't like. A tired and sick Mama can't handle that many night time interruptions for very long. You are turning into a big girl and are perfectly capable of sleeping through the night, we know as you have done it before. So please PLEASE give your Mama a break and let her get some rest. She loves you very much and doesn't want to be forced into anything drastic!!

A very loving Mama

Trust and Pray

It has been mentioned to me that I should blog. I guess I forget that some people check up with me on my blog and like to be kept up to date!! Apparently if I go to long without blogging people worry(you know who you are!!). It's nice to be loved!!

Everything is moving along, there has been some resolution to problems and stresses, and others we are still waiting and praying about. I have no idea what this year is going to hold but I hope I can hang onto God's desires for us instead of mine.

I realized yesterday that my "baby" is almost a year and a half!! That's insane, it feels like just yesterday that we had her 1st birthday. I feel sad when I think that she's never going to be this little again, but so glad that I've been able to stay home so far and enjoy the time I have. I need to remember sometimes the reason we are struggling so much financially was a choice. We felt that God wanted me to stay home and be wife and mother, that this was my new permanent job. What better job could you ask for? We feel that if we can pull it off it is the best thing for our family. I have to trust that if this is where God wants me he will provide.

Trust and pray, trust and pray, trust and pray.

I knew my kid would be a computer geek......

Check it out, Payton started a blog!!

Does anyone know how(or if) her site can have a seperate profile?

I'm done. Yup, it's what 4 days into 2006? And I've had enough.

I don't want to spend alot of time complaining about my life as there are so many good things in my life that to complain would belittle that. At the same time there are some aspects that are stressful, but as anyone knows life comes with stress, it's a package deal.

And there are some things that drive me absolutly insane. Some of it we've let happen, we should have known better, but had a desire to help. Some of it hasn't anything to do with us except through relation, but is very much a part of our life right now through association. Some of it affects us directly and is adding weight brick by brick to my shoulders, and to my mental health. We have enough problems of our own to be worrying about someone else's crap.

I'm worried this will start causing strain on our marriage, and cause me to be less availiable to my kid. What I really want to do is hide, no that's not quite it, the desire is to run. Go away somewhere where I can figure out my own crap and let the other stuff settle itself out in my absence. It's not possible I know, I am far to responsible for that, but oh wouldn't it be nice??

So I guess I did complain, blah blah blah. Just needed a vent, an outlet. Now the decision is to post or not to post.

Organization or should I say disorganization?

I'm not organized by nature, but I think I can learn. I think if I can get somewhat organized it may help me from going insane. Maybe not, but it's worth a try. So what I need is help, and although I'm sure there is many areas I could use advice in, let's stick to hints on making your life organized and keeping it that way. Any ideas?? What help makes your day run smoothly? How do you manage to fit everything into a day? How about organizing a small space? Or children's spaces(toys ect)? What has helped those other disorganized people out there?

It's a New Year.

Somehow I lack the motivation to get excited by starting a new year. I spent the minutes leading up to the countdown to 2006 folding laundry. Exciting I know, I was equally as enthralled. I was pondering what that could mean about the coming year? Is it to be The Year of the Laundry? The year that I stick my head out of the piles of laundry and housework only when I can't breath anymore. The year that I feel neck deep in sticky fingers, and temper tantrums. The year that I lose myself completely in trying to make everything work out.

I'm sure that will be part of it, it is after all an inevitable part of having kids. And some how there is still a desire to have another, so I guess it can't be that bad. I've been spending a lot of time pondering last year and looking at what I want to happen in 2006. Trying to find my enthusiasm for tackling the next year. I want to make the most of it, regardless of what gets thrown at me. I need to find my faith. I think once I can coax it out of the dark corner that it's taken refuge in everything will become clearer.

Anyways, I should go. My "other" kid, the one who takes residence on my couch isn't going to sleep as long as I'm here typing away. She says she isn't tired, I bet I hear a different story when I try to get her up in the morning.....