IT'S OFFICIAL!!

I'm in trouble. Payton is "officially" crawling!! She finally figured out how those legs work!! She is currently stalking the cat, who isn't impressed!!

And we haven't finished baby proofing!! Oh dear!!

I can't imagine

There's a parenting message board I visit where all the babies are all about the same age as Payton(they were all due in July or Aug). I started visiting when I was pregnant but had to stop because everything that was happening to others was freaking me out. I still go back and check in to see how all the other babies are doing. Yesterday there was a pole about how our babies get to sleep. I was amazed to find that over half of those parents still rock/nurse/sing ect their babies to sleep all the time and many more that do it sometimes. At a year!! Can you imagine?? I guess if your ok with that whatever works, but Payton got to heavy to rock to sleep forever ago!! There was only 20 something percent that put baby to bed awake and let them fall asleep on their own. WOW!!

UPDATE: I just wanted to add to this because upon re-reading it I feel like I'm coming across pretty harsh. I don't mean to imply that putting the baby to bed awake and letting them fall asleep on their own is the "right" way to do it. I didn't mean to judge anybody. Different things work for different people. We used to rock or nurse(or a combination of the 2) Payton to sleep when she was younger. She was to easily distracted by surroundings(not to mention heavy) at 3/4 months old that she refused to fall asleep in our arms anymore, no matter how much rocking or singing we did. I guess that it just feels like that was so long ago I couldn't imagine still doing it now. I failed to realize that this was reality for many parents and I apologize if I made anyone feel like I was attacking their parenting. That was definitely not my intent!!

Sunday

I just wanted to say to the youth I think you guys did a great job at church on Sunday!! Mitch, TJ, Jordana, Kim, and the band, You guys did awesome. I could see God in you guys and I am so encouraged by our future because our youth are sooo amazing!! Keep it up guys!!

Where's the Passion?

If you havn't read this post of Scotts, you should.

I've been attacked. At least that's what it felt like. WHAM, throwing me right off my feet. I fell hard into a pit of self loathing and worthlessness. This week has been good, lots of connections with God and soul searching. God has put me into situations this week where I felt confirmations in my growth and a desire to seek my direction in Christ. Not everything is rosy but I'm feeling the healing touch of God and hearing his encouragement louder than satans lies. I wonder about the timing of this attack. Did I just let my guard down because I've been feeling better or is my growth and relationship with God being closely monitored by Satan? Am I being hit hard now because I'm trying to focus more on God now and less on my own crap? Or I am I just being self involved? All I know is Rod and I prayed, reached out to God for help and within minutes I was up, feeling stronger and stronger by the minute. Thank you God for your strength and love and healing touch.

Christine's depression never seeems to end
Cause she'll never be as skinny
As the girls on ''Friends''
She's got fat hips and thin lips, she's jealous of a Q-Tip
She'll take stupid over fat
She stuck her fingers down her throat for the very last time today.
And she walked away.

Malcom's got his image: his rock and his glock
And if he lives to see 20, he will beat the clock
He's got his ride and he's fried and girls by his side
He makes a stand with his gun in his hand
He saw his best friend lying on a stainless steel tray.
And he walked away.

And the destination's clear: anywhere but here.

Doesn't matter that you're lying in the gutter
It doesn't matter that your brain's all cluttered
It doesn't matter that you're covered in scars
You're never in the gutter with your eyes on the stars.

Better walk away
walk away

So walk away from the boyfriend who bruises
And the shame of the game that your brain knows you're losing
And that job that you do that just robs you of who
You can be when you're free of this mentality.
So you're home by the phone getting stoned all alone
With your chat room friends, your Korn and Ramones
But the phone don't ring and Joey just sings sedated
You gotta learn to hate it.

Doesn't matter that you're lying in the gutter
It doesn't matter that your brain's all cluttered
It doesn't matter that you're covered in scars
You're never in the gutter with your eyes on the stars.

Walk Away- Barlow

You never know what's going to pull you up. The chorus got me thinking, no matter how low I get or how lost I feel as long as I focus on God and look to him for help there is hope. I need to "walk away" from the thoughts keeping me captive and the devil speaking lies in my ears. Not waste my time, just walk away.

There are some amazing Post Secrets this week. Check them out here.

Aunty Misty and I took Payton on her first "summer" outing to the water park in Abby. She looked SO cute in her swimsuit!!

We did NOT like the water park. Cold water flying everywhere.....GET ME OUTTA HERE!!!!

Watching the kids

Today I woke feeling optimistic, that's an emotion I haven't felt for awhile. I've made it through and am feeling pretty good. I know it's not gone, I've been through this enough times to know better but I'm at a place where I can think straight again. It feels wonderful. When I'm down in one of my pits I feel like I'm going insane and wondering why I haven't gone to see the doctor. Everything feels like it's spinning out of control. I read recently on Nikki's blog something that is reassuring, LOL, that crazy people don't question their sanity. So I must be ok!!

God has been helping me do an evaluation of myself. I think I need to try leaning on him more and taking care of myself and see what happens. I need to be absolutely sure that I need "professional" help before I ask for it. I haven't been taking good care of myself, nor have I been surrounding myself completely with God. Don't get me wrong God is in my life daily and I lean on him for support but I think I've always got a foot sticking out from the covers that I'm still trying to support myself with.

So here's the plan. I am going to get more sleep. I know I can't function properly on low sleep so why am I going to bed so late? I think I'm creating for myself a crutch, if I'm low, or having an unproductive day I can always say I'm tired. Payton has been sleeping through the night for a month now, there is no reason for me to be so exhausted anymore. I am going to get exercise. My mind doesn't function well if I'm ignoring my body, I need to put exercise back on my priority list. I am going to bathe myself in God's word. I think I need to start my day with the Lord, take stock of my negative thoughts and emotions and replace them with positive scripture. I know much of my problem is letting Satan put negative thoughts in my head when I'm not paying attention, then by the time I notice everything seems so bad I can't handle it. Especially thoughts about myself, my self worth and self esteem get so low that it's scary. I need to be more aware or myself on a daily basis. I get so wrapped up in other things I neglect my emotional self. I'm going to re-start reading Battlefield of the mind(I started reading it in the middle because that's where they were when I started bible study.), there's good stuff in there that's exactly what I need to hear!!

Anyways that's where I'm at. If I work, really work, at keeping myself level and I still can't handle it then I'll deal with that. I don't believe I've REALLY been working at it. I work to come out of my pit but never at prevention. God has been working at showing me things that were keeping me under, that were keeping me from being closer to him. I think with his help I'll be able to work through some of my crap.

So today's job, work on my very neglected house. How does one so NOT naturally organized LEARN to be organized?

Apparently I've been the victim of bad fads. Find out if you have here.

A little to much reality for a Friday, sorry about that....

Looking back I'm not sure when it started. I can only tell you that as long as I can remember it follows me, I am constantly looking over my shoulder in fear I have lost myself again. I have prided myself in the fact that I have never had to depend on anyone else, I have always managed to work through things on my own. I've pulled myself out of countless pits and patted myself on the back for a job well done. I have become so skilled at telling people what they need to hear in order to think I'm fine that I end up convincing myself that I am as well. Then when I end up back where I was or worse I feel blindsided, shocked and unprepared. You can only run into the same wall so many times before giving up. I've given up. I hadn't realized it until recently but I have. I've accepted my reality as truth. I've lost my fight and chosen to live in fear and stand firmly paralyzed where I am while the world moves around me.

Rod told me recently that I'm hiding again, in a physical sense. I had to stop and think about it but he's right. I'm not calling people or returning phone calls, I don't answer the phone or my emails. I go out more so people won't ask me why I'm not going out than for actually going out. I have no desire left, I feel joy so rarely now I don't bother looking. I had actually convinced myself that this was normal, that life was supposed to suck all the happiness and pleasure out of living, that if you kept putting one foot in front of the other you were winning. I think I'm tired of being fine, of saying I'm fine, of pretending I'm fine. I feel like such a fake, I've always been the one people come to for help, for advice, or just a sympathic ear. I've always been the wet shoulder, someone safe to lay your head on and cry. I've come to see that much of the advice I give I don't follow or believe myself. It was all well meaning and said in much love yet I can't take my own advice. What a hypocrite.

I am so thankful I know God and I thank God for Payton. Through God and Payton I still feel moments of great joy, even for a moment it is something to hang on to. In the moments where I think I've won there is peace, but it is fleeting as I check over my shoulder again. When the darkness starts to creep back in I always wonder "is this the one?? The one that will envelope me so completely that I won't be able to escape?" I used to believe that I pulled myself out of my pits completely and just kept finding new holes to fall into, now I think it's always been the same pit, I've just pulled myself up onto a ledge. And since everything looks so much better on the ledge than in the pit I think I've made it, that I can breath fresh air again. But that ledge leaves me so little room to move, the littlest bump and I fall again.

I need help. There I've said it. I'm tired of doing it on my own. I'm tired of pushing through only to find myself stuck in a place that is barely livable. I don't want to be in this place anymore but it's all I know and I don't know the way out. Here in this place is where the guilt lives. I feel pathetic as a Christian and worse as a person, a failure. I know to a certain extent that it isn't true but I can't escape the darkness that tells me otherwise. It whispers lies in my ears and I am to tired to fight them anymore.

I realize all this now, God has helped me to see myself. I don't like what I see but can't make the next step. I would have to admit there was something wrong with me, admit that I couldn't handle it, but the worst is admitting that I don't have enough faith and trust in God to let him deal with it. I feel like if I see my Dr. and I start taking anti-depressants that I've failed, not only myself, but God. I feel liked I'll be figuratively slapping him in the face, telling him he's not enough for me. Now let me make a note here that I don't feel that everyone else on anti-depressants doesn't have enough faith in God or should be able to handle it on their own. I know that many people need them due to chemical imbalance or other things out of their control. Here's where the double standard kicks in, for others it's fine and normal and I'm completely understanding, but for me it's just not acceptable. Which in turn makes me unacceptable. There are so many people out there with major problems and here I am complaining about my life. What's my problem?

Then there is the whole anti-depressant debate. Are they even a good thing? How long will I be on them? Will I get addicted? Do they actually solve anything? My mind starts to spiral right about here and I havn't even seen the Dr. Maybe he'll say I'm fine, get over it and I'm just borrowing trouble. But I don't think so. I realize that some kind of therapy is probably a good idea, but am I ready?

So here I stand unmoving, unready or unwilling to make my decision. I pray. I wait. Searching for truth.

There are moments

I've been going through some tough personal stuff recently. Every once in awhile I have a moment of perfect clarity, where the fog clears and I hear Gods voice clearly. Whatever the message, I feel such pure joy in that instant it's almost painful. I thought I would share my last one with you.

At church on Sunday I was out in the hallway with the baby when God clearly told me to go sit down and listen. I found the sermon very powerful and obviously I was meant to hear it. God helped me to realize that I have been choosing to live a second rate Christian life by not reaching out and asking for help. I've been living along a flat line, not feeling much of anything on a daily basis. I'm missing the passion and joy and the feeling of pure conviction that I should feel as a Christian with a close relationship with God. Now don't get me wrong I realize that everyday shouldn't be extraordinary and that normal everyday life doesn't hold much excitement but I've been so flat and so down for so long it's time to reach out and up for some help.

I've also been struggling with trying to figure out the difference between what I want to do with my life and what God wants me to do. I've come to a stand still out of fear of making the wrong choice. I have some passions that are very clear and sometimes very scary for me, but I've never known if it's my own personal desires or Gods. During service many of my old passions that have been suppressed for years started working their way to the surface and again I was trying to push them down. As I was fighting with my mixed emotions I heard God again, he said to me "I have given you passions for a reason, don't you think I want you to use them?" I was stunned. I never even entertained the thought that my passions and Gods desire for me could be the same thing. I just thought that I shouldn't be living my desires as that would be living for me.

So that was my moment and now I am trying to figure out where to go from here. Something to think about.

Payton and Brayden, Partners in crime!!

The funny thing is Brayden was being really good, staying out of trouble until Payton decided to check out the outlet on the wall then all of a sudden he's like "hey there IS something on the wall" and became an accomplice!! My daughter....The instigator!!

I posted this briefly yesterday. I didn't write it with the intent of sharing it with everyone, rather as a outlet to vent and let off some steam. I surprised myself when I hit publish and eventually my fear at having so much of myself exposed and vulnerable caused me to panic and remove it from view. Much against my own better judgment I feel compelled to re-post it, it's weighing heavily on me to let go of my fear, so here it goes. I hope.



I feel disheartened today. Disappointed at my own ability to grasp what God has put in front of me and run with it. He has been talking to me lately about where he wants me to be and what great things he has in store for me, somehow I'm still struggling. Struggling with life, with choices, with myself and my inability to be real. I have surrounded myself with a barrier meant to keep myself from hurt and have inadvertently found myself trapped in cage of my own making. Like a bird desperately wanting to fly but never moving beyond it's cage. I can see through my bars, reach out and touch freedom, hear it, even taste it but never able to grasp it tight enough to hang on. Sometimes I can get the door open and spread my wings, I can feel the joy and expectation of living free, only to find my wings have been clipped and I fall with a crash to a depth where escape feels impossible. I've lost myself in my fear, even I'm not sure who I am anymore. I feel like I'm wearing sunglasses all the time now, blocking the view of my soul, but masking reality. I've fought before and won but what if this time I just don't have the strength, the endurance, or the desire? I call out to God and he responds and I hear him with great joy, and for a moment, a minute, an hour I feel secure and I know everything is going to be ok, then when everything slips and I stumble and fall, sinking back into my chaos I am out of control and raging at myself for yet another failure. I can't help thinking if I want it bad enough, or had enough faith I wouldn't be here, in this place, again....still.

I took a much needed break and helped with sandwich giveaway and went to street church. All I can say is James, you crack me up!!

Andrew has been painting

He wanted me to show everyone. Check out his artwork here and here.

Payton and her Mama

I'm trying to stop feeling sorry for myself so I stole this off Nikki's site cause I thought it looked like fun!!

1. What time did you get up this morning? 6ish, Payton decided it was time to be up.
2. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds are a girls best friend......
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Hmmm....I have no idea, it's been a year at least....
4. What are your favorite TV shows? CSI, Desperate Housewives, Without a trace, Extreme Makeover:Home edition, Grey's Anatomy(new show), Alias
5. What did you have for breakfast? coffee
6. What is your middle name? Lynn
7. What is your favorite cuisine? Japanese or Greek, YUM
8. What foods do you dislike? Bananas, beans(except green), Liver
9. What is your favorite chip flavor? Dill pickle, Anything Mrs. Vickies
10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? I can't think of 1 fav, I like so many
11. What type of car do you drive? Dodge Caravan, well I would if it hadn't been stolen!!
12. Favorite sandwich? Turkey, mayo & mustard with a touch of salt and pepper, mmmmmm......
13. What characteristic do you despise? Dishonesty, hatred
14. Favorite item of clothing? Do shoes count?? I LOVE my flip flops!!
15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? If I had enough time(6-8weeks at least) I would drive across Canada. Otherwise, Greece, Turkey, or Scotland
16. What color is your bathroom? The walls are beige(how boring I know, but when you rent you get what you get!!)but my shower curtain which I got for a shower gift and LOVE(I know it's weird to love your shower curtain but I do!!), which matches my counter stuff, is burgundy and greens and beiges and is BEAUTIFUL!!
17. Favorite brand of clothing? Reitmans stuff fits me best.
18. Where would you retire to? Somewhere warm along the ocean
19. Favorite time of the day? Morning, when Payton is in the best mood and we have good times and evening, when I can wind down and see my hubby
20. What was your most memorable birthday? Either my 19th or was it 20th? When there was balloons covering the entire ceiling, or my 7th when I invited my entire class and then some(my mom must have been crazy!!)
22. Favorite sport to watch? Not really into watching sports unless it's Olympics
23. Who do you least expect to send this back to you? I'm not sending it onto anyone!?
24. Person you expect to send it back first? See previous question!
25. What fabric detergent do you use? Tide- One of the only ones Rod can use!! And vanilla bounce sheets....mmmmm... I love getting out of the shower and burying my face in the fresh vanilla-y towel!!
26. Coke or Pepsi? Diet Pepsi or Diet Coke with Lime or Diet Dr.Pepper
27. Favorite movie? I have tons, check my profile
28. Are you a morning person or a night owl? definitely NOT a morning person
29. What is your shoe size? 10, well I was until I got pregnant, now my feet are to wide for most 10s!! DRAT!!
30. Do you have any pets? A cat, whom I love but the cat hair drives me crazy. And a fish, yes A fish. He's mean and picked on all the other fish till they died so I refuse to get anymore until he dies and he just won't and I just can't bear to flush him.
31. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with your family & friends? Well, my van got stolen(see previous post), besides that my life has been the usual
32. What did you want to be when you were little? Teacher, counselor, psychiatrist
33. What languages do you speak? English, although I am trying to teach Payton a little sign language
34. What is your pet peeve? Unsafe drivers, abusers of any kind, narcism, THIEVES(can you tell what's on my mind today?), to name a few

UN-FREAKING-BELIEVABLE!!!!

So my van was stolen last night. I didn't even know it was gone until the police called to tell me they had found it!!! It was just down the road in a neighbors driveway. Crazy!! It didn't sound like there was much damage, the ignition needs to be fixed before I can have it back and they are taking it for fingerprinting. I need to call ICBC but I want to calm down first. It's not the van I am upset about, it's the feeling of not being safe, of being violated. It's creepy.

I am also really upset about our trip, the timing is horrible. We were supposed to be leaving today, we had already postponed this trip once. It wouldn't be an issue as we could always leave later but some of my relatives are leaving next week for their own vacations and we wanted to go while I still have maternity pay. I am so disappointed, I'm not sure how this is all going to work out. We could take the car but the car seat(which is still in the van, I asked) only fits in the car if the seat is all the way forward because she is still rear facing, and that would be incredibly uncomfortable for a 12 hour drive. I don't know, I'm feeling so overwhelmed and fustrated I can't even think straight.

When Randy who lives upstairs' left for work at 3:30 it was still there. The cops called before 7, so it was only gone for a few hours tops, then it was dumped just down the street, it's very strange and sooooooo fustrating. What's with the timing?? Maybe we aren't supposed to go on this trip, I would be soooo upset. Anyways, just venting, what a great way to start a morning!! I'm so ticked!!

UPDATE: Well apparently it wasn't in a driveway, someone saw three men acting suspiciously with a mini-van on their property and called police. If I want more details I have to talk with the Constable about it. The receptionist was having a hard time figuring out where my file was because it was listed as a suspicious person not a stolen vehicle. I was just trying to find out when I could have my car seat back. My meeting with ICBC isn't until Thursday, and then it'll be sent somewhere for repair, so we are postponing our trip and trying to figure out when we can go later. :0( Bummer.

Let me tell you a story.....

I have been letting myself get stressed over money recently. It's so easy to do, we have many bills to pay, and soon my income will be gone. Then we realized that we owed a whole bunch to the government. It just seems sometimes that it's one thing after another, that we just can't get ahead and that we'll be living month to month forever.

While I was letting myself drown in self pity I realized I hadn't given God a chance to help me, I hadn't prayed about my financial worries. The thing is, I feel unworthy to ask. I feel like I shouldn't be praying to ask for money, it seems so petty. I'm still trying to take care of myself, to be independent and self reliant. How can I expect to grow closer to God if I can't trust him, if I can't even ask for help. I am so good about asking for others, but not for me. My first thought is "what can WE do to figure this out?" The answer is Pray, pray hard, give it over to God and let him figure it out. Then wait and listen, when he answers you'll know it. I want so much for my family that sometimes it's hard to understand that God wants so much more.

We were supposed to be leaving for vacation on sat, out to Alberta to visit some relatives. I almost cancelled this trip SO many times out of money worries. We had finally decided that we should go right before we did the taxes. I freaked out, and almost cancelled again. That's when I realized I needed to pray about it. So sitting in my driveway with Payton sleeping in the backseat I let out all my worries and fustrations to my heavenly father, amongst tears of fustration and shame I bared my soul, I humbled myself and admitted I couldn't do it alone and asked for help. His response was immediate, I felt a peace wash over me, his warm embracing presence was all around me, I was told I was being taken care of. I gave a big sigh of relief and opened my eyes and smiled in peace. As I turned and glanced out the window I noticed, a ray of light was sneaking through the clouds and shining down as if to say "I am here, I will light your way", it was magical. Payton and I went inside and hardly any time had passed when I got a call from Rod. His boss had offered him a business trip that he would get three service fees from if he wanted, but it would delay our holiday by a few days. I couldn't believe it, three service fees plus what I am getting back is almost exactly what is owed!!! Rod has never gotten three service fees from one trip before, God works in unexpected ways!!

Needless to say, we are leaving tues night or weds for our vacation.

Anybody seen my brain?

I was going to blog something.....I can't remember what it was.....I think I should be in bed........

I danced!

I am amazed. I went out on Friday night. With adults. I visited. I danced. I went out "afterwards". I stayed out past midnight. I had fun.........

Maybe I do still have a life outside motherhood, a very small slice of the pie, but a slice none-the-less.

It's rather exciting!!!

I NEED COFFEE!!!

But we are out of cream, drat.

Payton story

Yesterday I had put Payton down for a nap when about 30min later I thought I heard some noise coming from her room. So I went to the door and listened, I could hear laughing, squealing, and babbling. I was very intrigued as to what was so funny because Payton isn't one to play in her crib, if she's up she wants out of bed. So I open the door and out comes the cat just barreling out the door, and there's Payton on hands and knees just chatting away at the cat!! I laughed so hard. Poor Wicket must have followed me in there and got stuck. hehe. Payton thought it was great fun!!

Fake it till you make it

Well, I still haven't found my motivation but today SOMETHING has to get done. So I'm going to fake it. I'm going to pretend that I LOVE cleaning my house. I'm going to crank the tunes and just go at it. Well that's the plan anyways, first I'm going to shower, that always makes me feel better.