Thanks

The kids had just finished lunch and I was just sitting down to eat mine and write a quick blog when there was a knock on my door. Someone very special stopping by for a hug and to give me a potted rose plant. Something I could plant and keep with me, something whose beauty will remind me of what I've lost with joy rather than sadness. Exactly what I needed, my other blog has been saved as a draft to be finished at some future time.

I am so blessed, the people I have around me are amazing. I just have to learn to let them help, learn to let them support me. I must be radiating a need to be surrounded by beauty. I haven't been getting out much and when I do I haven't been captivated by the beauty that surrounds me. So instead it has been brought to me. 4 different times in the last few days someone has appeared at my door bearing beauty. 3 times with beautiful flowers and now with a beautiful Rose plant. Made me cry every time.

Thank you to everyone who has been holding me close while I try to work through this. The kind words, comments, emails, phone calls, prayers, and flowers are so wonderful. What would I do without you guys??

So now I just need to find the perfect pot for my roses.

Ever feel like you weren't grateful enough for what you had in your life, then it gets taken away and it feels like some sort of punishment. I'm not saying that everyone who've suffered losses were getting punished, I just feel like that for me. Somehow I don't measure up, so I'm not fit to receive anymore blessings. I'm doing something wrong, something deserving of punishment.

It surprises me how much guilt I feel, like it's my fault. Even if it isn't punishment, something about my body couldn't sustain this pregnancy. The first day we found out there wasn't a heartbeat I must have apologized to Rod half a dozen times, instinctively placing blame on me. I was sorry I couldn't have born him this child. I ran over my actions of the past weeks, looking for something, anything that I could do better next time. It's silly I know, but I'm not feigning rationality. I think if only I had been better with my vitamins, maybe it's because I'm over weight, if only I hadn't been so stressed. I read statistics that state a woman under stress is 3 times more likely to miscarry 3 TIMES!!

I know this and other things going an aren't my fault. I really do, it's just funny how easily I can accept the blame, the negative on me, but I refuse to believe anything good. How many times do I or anybody else have to say good, positive things to me before I will truly believe? It feels stupid that I don't even feel in control of my own brain.

I almost didn't post my blog on Sun. It felt really very private, even for me. I'm not one just to come out to someone and tell them I'm doing horrible, but somehow I can write it down. I try to watch what I post because I've got an increasing number of friends and family who check my blog for "the truth". It's not the anonymous thing it used to be, although it was never completely anonymous because my NH family was always there. On sun, I wrote for me, then felt a push to publish. I thought what the heck, this is my blog and this is where I'm at. I thought I would probably delete it after a while. The response has been overwhelming. Support, kind words, and prayer have been showered on me. I know now why I needed to post it, because I can't get support from the people who care about me if I won't let them in, if I won't let them know I need support. I don't like to sound needy, but maybe that's the truth for me right now.

Thanks to some friends I know that I'm not alone, that it's ok to be in this place, that it's ok to be vulnerable. Linda wrote this as a comment on Cari's blog, it really spoke to me.

"One of the hardest things is being a Christian in a secular world..harder still is being a Christian amongst other Christians. You feel you have to hide your feelings while inside you're falling to pieces."

For me, it's so true. I was trying to measure myself against other Christians. The shiny happy Christians I think I called them. Well, I'm definitely not that, actually I'm pretty messy. Why do we feel that we have to hide what's going on inside from the people that should be the most supportive? I know I have fear about being truthful, fear of rejection, fear of exposure, once it's out there you can't take it back.

Anyways I forget where I was going with this so I'll end it here, for this time anyways, I've been doing way to much thinking in the last couple of weeks. I'm trying to decide whether or not to go to the prayer meeting tonight at the office. I'm not sure I could handle that much intensity for that length of time, especially when it's been a struggle to pray lately. The reminder email about tonight called it the heartbeat of New Heights, just the reference to a heartbeat made me want to push tonight away. Apparently it's a touchy word for me.

Strange I know

I heard this song today and it really struck me, not about a boyfriend rather about God and Jesus. I guess I don't have a lot of faith in a father figure, or any male for that matter, I just don't think they will stick around. I wonder sometimes why(and if) God bothers with me. Why he doesn't give up when I throw tantrums and dig my heals in. I could so easily scream some of these verses word for word at God, and have. And the answer is always yes, YES, he is strong enough to carry you and always willing, if you'll let him. I'm just not there yet.

Strong enough

God I feel like hell tonight
The tears of rage I cannot fight
I'd be the last to help you understand

1-Are you strong enough to be my man..

Well, nothing's true, and nothing's right
So let me be alone tonight
'Cause you can't change the way I am
(rpt 1)

2-Lie to me, I promise I'll believe
Lie to me, but please don't leave

I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
Just try and love me if you can
(rpt 1, 1...)

3-When I've shown you
That I just don't care
When I'm throwing punches in the air
When I'm broken down and i can't stand

Are you strong enough to be my man..

(rpt , 3, 2)

Sheryl Crow

Payton posted a couple new pics here.

This song has been in my head for a couple days.

Tears in Heaven

Would you know my name
if I saw you in heaven?
Would you feel the same
if I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on
'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven...

Would you hold my hand
if I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
if I saw you in heaven?
I'll find my way through night and day
'Cause I know I just can't stay here in heaven...

Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees
Time can break your heart, have you begging please...

Beyond the door there's peace I'm sure
And I know there'll be no more tears in heaven...

Would you know my name
if I saw you in heaven?
Would you feel the same
if I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on
'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven...

Eric Clapton

And the cat came back....

We thought he was a goner but the cat came back.....5 whole days later!!

Who knows what he was up to but he JUST returned. And he's definitely lighter. He keeps meowing and running between me, Rod and the food dish!! To funny!

And he just woke the baby...DARN!! Guess she missed her "meow"!!

I thought I was doing ok, I was wrong.

Sometimes I wish I didn't believe. Life would be a lot simpler, I could accept things as happening for no reason. It was just one of those things, but I don't believe in things just happening. There is a plan, there is always a reason. God could fix all things if he wanted to. Why doesn't he want to? He gave us free will yes, but so many things don't come out of choices we make. Maybe I need to be reminded why I believe. Where has it gotten me? I see people with peace in the midst of struggle and I want that. Yet I struggle against it.

I'm at home, where should I be? Church, I'm a Christian, I believe in God, I should be worshiping. The truth? I don't want to. I don't feel like it. I'm beginning to think I'm not a very good person after all. Rod asked me why I didn't want to go, I told him I didn't feel like being fake today. I don't feel like worshipping so why go to the place of worship? I don't feel like pretending I'm ok today, so I'll stay in bed.

Yes, I lost a baby, I feel hurt, I feel pain, I feel loss, I feel grief, I feel sadness, I feel loneliness, I feel anger, I feel betrayal, I feel fear, I feel helpless, it feels hopeless. I can't truthfully blame all of my crap on the loss though. I was struggling before I was pregnant, the loss just gives me a reason to feel and amplifies all the emotion that was already present. It justifies my wanting to stay in bed. It gives a face to my struggle.

I look around, I talk to people, I read blogs. People are struggling, with many different things, yet they are stronger than me. I am weak. I put on a good show but inwardly I am a coward. I lash out, I blame, I yell, I scream, I lose myself in lack of faith. Why can't I allow myself to hang on? I curl up and hide, I just can't deal. What if everything that happens to me is my fault? Because God is the only one who truly can see in my head and I don't think he likes what he sees. What if he took my baby to lighten the load on me? He didn't think I could handle it. What if he was just being merciful. What if my baby didn't make it because I didn't pray enough? If I had been more faithful would he have given me the miracle I so desperately wanted?

Why can't I be one of those shiny happy people who just seem to get it? They don't waver in their faith. They struggle with dignity. Maybe it's reflective of who they are on the inside, maybe I'm rotting from the inside out. I worry I can't be a good enough wife to my husband, a good enough mother to my daughter, a good enough friend to the people I care about. Lately it's been all about me. Is this what life's about? Because it stinks.


I'm a mess. End of story. Please don't try to fix me, I just needed to get out some of the conflict going on in my head.

I would like to ask for prayer for Mandy. She is home sick with pneumonia

Has anyone seen this cat?

My cat is missing :(

We lost the baby. The Ultrasound showed no heartbeat and no development in the past week. So we opted to have the D&C while we where there. I got admitted and moved to daycare until it was my turn for surgery. I didn't get into surgery until about 5 and was in recovery until after 6:30. It was a long day and I'm glad it's almost over. I'm developing a migraine so that's it for now. I think I may take a bit of a break from blogging, I'm just worn out.

Thank you to everyone for your on going prayers and support. It has been so appreciated.

Update

Just copied and pasted the email I just wrote.

Just a quick note to let you know whats going on. Thank you so much for your continued prayer. Today I am going to Ridge meadows hospital to meet with the Dr. that my midwife works with. From my ultrasound report the Dr. and midwife both suggested going straight to a D&C. I got the midwife to read me the report and found not only did the baby not have a heartbeat but that either the yolk sac or gestational sac(I can't remember which) was abnormal in shape meaning it hadn't developed properly. I couldn't go ahead with the D&C without another ultrasound, just for my own peace of mind. So because the ultrasound appointments were booked solid they arranged for me to meet the Dr. in Maternity and do an ultrasound on the maternity departments machine. Depending on the results from that I will be doing a D&C as well today. They are concerned about waiting any longer as there can be health risks involved for me if we wait to long.

Fustration

Our appointment for today fell through. I don't exactly know what the problem was but I'm very agitated at the moment. I just can't believe it. They say now everything is booked, um, ok, why didn't you say that a week ago when we asked to be seen in a week??? ARGH!! When you say tues, it means tues right!!! I am going to call the Midwife and get something rolling here. I'll keep you updated.

FUSTRATED!!

The night before

Well, tomorrow is the day we have been waiting for. It's been a long long week. I've felt so helpless, just waiting. I've been trying to find God in all this, I have to admit I haven't had much success, but we've been praying, a lot. He just doesn't feel close.

I think regardless of the outcome I'm ready to deal with it. I'm so tired of waiting. Guess I don't have much for patience.

Praying, wishing, hoping, longing, crying for a heartbeat. Lord, please hear my cry!!

Let's start with a positive note, I had a really nice evening out fri and sat. Was starting to feel slightly human again. Today I came down with Payton's cold with a vengeance, no wonder she's been miserable.

Dad was in the hospital again. Last week for 4 days. He didn't tell me as he didn't want me at the hospital. There were infectious disease controls going on, it was probably for the better, last week I don't think I would have handled it very well. Do you remember me saying I didn't think he should be going home so soon? I was right. When he went back to the hospital days after they released him from Langly they still found morphine and valium in his system. Essentially when they released him he was very very drugged. When he added some alcohol to the mix(to escape the detox) his system didn't handle it well. They cleaned him out very thoroughly this time. Also I was concerned about his mental state this time, he was hostile, and delusional. His Dr, got a specialist to see him and they ran some tests and found he has some swelling on one part of his brain. They are going to drill a hole in his head to release the pressure, nice hey.

Anyways between this, everything else, and now having Payton's cold, I'm feeling pretty crappy. I keep thinking that this isn't real, it's all a morbid daydream that I just need to snap out of.

So I feel a little calmer today. Not so angry, but it comes and goes. I've grabbed ahold of a wait and see mentality and am trying not to stress prematurely, as much as I can help anyways.

Nights have been hard, sleep has been scarce. We are all tired around here. Rod is home today!! YEAH!! I haven't seen him to much this week. I hope Payton is feeling better soon and will decide again that her bed is a good friendly place to sleep. Our bed may be queen sized but with the 3 of us it's just full.

It looks like we will be going in to see the Dr. on Tues. I believe that will include an ultrasound. Then we will go from there.

I thought I had more to say, apparently not. I'll keep everyone updated.

This week sucks.

I can't wait till it's over. There is a good chance though that next week will suck too. (((Sigh))) Payton was up most of last night coughing, congested, and with a fever. She finally landed in bed with me which is where she stayed until this morning. When Payton woke me I opened my eyes only to discover spots, yup, a migraine coming on. Rod had gotten home at 3am(ish) but got up with Payton so I could try to sleep it off, which is really the only thing that helps. A couple of hours later and I'm improved enough to get up and let Rod go back to bed. ARGH!! What a stinking morning!!

I need to shower, I need to clean, I need to do laundry. I have no motivation. What I really want to do is go to bed and stay there. Unfortunately my life is not conducive to laying about. Shoot.

Hear my cry O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth, I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint.... Psalm 61:1-2(NIV)

Just needed to vent

So I'm up. I should be sleeping, I'm exhausted, mentally and physically drained. Rod's working a few night shifts this week, which is great because he's here to help during the day. But now, when it's dark and quiet I wish he was home. I guess you really can't have your cake and eat it too.

I feel lost, it's the not knowing. I don't know if I should be grieving or rejoicing, hoping or bracing myself. The reality is a little bit of everything is going on creating one of the biggest messes of a brain I've ever witnessed. I pray, but I can't seem to form the words, I cry and hope that God understands. I hope he can see through the blame and the fear that I've been lashing out at him. People say that some day I'll understand that everything has a reason that it's all Gods plan. And although the little bit of rationality I have remaining wants to believe this the rest of me just doesn't care. I just want to hold my baby.

Does it sound like I've given up hope? Nope, I can't, it's not in me to let go. Not yet at least. But hoping hurts so bad. I've tried to convince myself that it's over, that this baby is no longer living so that if we get bad news I'm prepared. But I can't put out the spark, that little ray of hope shines on. My baby is saying don't give up on me yet, and I won't. Mistakes can be made and miracles do happen. So I plod along moment by moment, put on a brave face and go about my day as so many have done before me. It just stinks that's all.

Update

No real news for you. We decided to wait a week before getting another Ultrasound. If they found no heartbeat again I just wouldn't be ready to make any decisions yet. If there is no change after a week I will be more reassured that nothing is going to change. I know that I shouldn't hang on to hope, as they were very thorough at my appointment and there was very clearly no heartbeat but I can't help myself. Emotionally I can't help but feel a little "what if?" hope. Most information I have found is not good for us, but I have read one story and talked with another person who both had no heartbeat with Ultrasound at a later date than me then went on to have one a week or two later. I know rationally it's very unlikely but as I do believe in miracles I am waiting and praying. Rod talked to the OB-GYN this morning, I didn't feel up to it. He understands us wanting to wait a week and I am supposed to call him to set up an appointment I just can't bring myself to do it.

I can't believe how many people have been through this, I thank you all for your support. I'm sorry I have been avoiding phone calls I just haven't been up to talking. I know I will have to eventually, just not yet. Thanks again.

Sad News

I had my Ultrasound. The baby measured 9 weeks but had no heartbeat. By then there should be one easily seen. I am destroyed.

Rod's boss has set us up an appointment with his brother who happens to be an OB-GYN apparently one of the best in B.C, for tomorrow. We will have another Ultrasound, just for confirmation, and to discuss our options if it is in fact(which is probable) that we've lost the baby.

Please Pray.

Here we go

The hospital called and I have an Ultrasound at 1:00!!

I'm so excited!! and a little nervous!!