Just needed to vent

So I'm up. I should be sleeping, I'm exhausted, mentally and physically drained. Rod's working a few night shifts this week, which is great because he's here to help during the day. But now, when it's dark and quiet I wish he was home. I guess you really can't have your cake and eat it too.

I feel lost, it's the not knowing. I don't know if I should be grieving or rejoicing, hoping or bracing myself. The reality is a little bit of everything is going on creating one of the biggest messes of a brain I've ever witnessed. I pray, but I can't seem to form the words, I cry and hope that God understands. I hope he can see through the blame and the fear that I've been lashing out at him. People say that some day I'll understand that everything has a reason that it's all Gods plan. And although the little bit of rationality I have remaining wants to believe this the rest of me just doesn't care. I just want to hold my baby.

Does it sound like I've given up hope? Nope, I can't, it's not in me to let go. Not yet at least. But hoping hurts so bad. I've tried to convince myself that it's over, that this baby is no longer living so that if we get bad news I'm prepared. But I can't put out the spark, that little ray of hope shines on. My baby is saying don't give up on me yet, and I won't. Mistakes can be made and miracles do happen. So I plod along moment by moment, put on a brave face and go about my day as so many have done before me. It just stinks that's all.

Update

No real news for you. We decided to wait a week before getting another Ultrasound. If they found no heartbeat again I just wouldn't be ready to make any decisions yet. If there is no change after a week I will be more reassured that nothing is going to change. I know that I shouldn't hang on to hope, as they were very thorough at my appointment and there was very clearly no heartbeat but I can't help myself. Emotionally I can't help but feel a little "what if?" hope. Most information I have found is not good for us, but I have read one story and talked with another person who both had no heartbeat with Ultrasound at a later date than me then went on to have one a week or two later. I know rationally it's very unlikely but as I do believe in miracles I am waiting and praying. Rod talked to the OB-GYN this morning, I didn't feel up to it. He understands us wanting to wait a week and I am supposed to call him to set up an appointment I just can't bring myself to do it.

I can't believe how many people have been through this, I thank you all for your support. I'm sorry I have been avoiding phone calls I just haven't been up to talking. I know I will have to eventually, just not yet. Thanks again.

Sad News

I had my Ultrasound. The baby measured 9 weeks but had no heartbeat. By then there should be one easily seen. I am destroyed.

Rod's boss has set us up an appointment with his brother who happens to be an OB-GYN apparently one of the best in B.C, for tomorrow. We will have another Ultrasound, just for confirmation, and to discuss our options if it is in fact(which is probable) that we've lost the baby.

Please Pray.

Here we go

The hospital called and I have an Ultrasound at 1:00!!

I'm so excited!! and a little nervous!!

And I thought I was tired last time!

It's been awhile since I've posted, and even longer since I posted anything of substance. And for a change it's not because I haven't had anything to say rather I've had to much to say. I'm not sure if that makes any sense but it does to me.

By now I'm guessing everybody knows we're expecting!!! If not, you do now!!! We are due in Sept sometime. I'm actually "on call" for a dating ultrasound because my cycles are so irregular my midwife wants to have a better idea of how far along I am so they know(sort of) when to expect things. I am so excited!! I didn't expect to have an early ultrasound this time because everything has been going fine. With Payton I had an early us because of cramping and bleeding, as scary as that was I was glad to be able to see that everything was progressing normally. I am a little nervous though that everything won't be fine because this pregnancy has been so different than the last one. But from what I hear that's normal. Variations of normal, very confusing.

I've been a bit of a basket case recently, I guess the combination of everything that has been going on and pregnancy hormone hasn't been agreeing with me. Tired, emotional, stressed, overwhelmed, worried, the list goes on. I was looking at myself in the mirror this morning and thought, girl, you look exactly like you feel. It wasn't pretty. I look so worn out and old. My energy level continues to drop and the number of things that need doing continues to rise. I can't believe the state of my house, and yet, what did I do today? Spent most of the day in bed!! Wow, listen to me whine!! I think I'll stop complaining and go clean my kitchen!!

Update

Our computer(well not ours but the one we've been using) is not working again. It's been out of commision for a couple days. So if I havn't been emailing it's because I've had to sneak on someone elses's computer to check email ect, and havn't been able to find much time to do that.

I wanted to thank everyone who has been praying for me and my dad. He's home now and doing much better. He really gave me a scare this time because his mental state was really weird. The Dr. said that over time of continuous abuse that your brain can't take as much abuse anymore and that mental instability becomes much worse. This is new for Dad and scares me. I hope and pray so desperately that he will be able to beat this and continue to be around more many years. Thanks again for everyone's support. Sat night and sun were very stressful and I could feel your prayers and they helped me get through.

I hope everyone is having a wonderful valentines day. I had some beautiful flowers delivered from my sweetheart today!! Lucky me!!

Prayer request

Could everybody please pray for my dad(and me). He's in the hospital again due to a relapse, I'm going to see him in the morning. Thanks!

Payton forecasts the future.

Check out Payton's blog.

I'm so excited!!

My baby told me she loved me today!!! Made me cry!!

Armed and ready( a sleep update)

After the previous nights sleep I went into bedtime last night, armed and ready, this was war(yeah I guess I'm a little possessive about the little sleep I do usually get). Before bed I gave Payton some decongestant, raised the head of her mattress a little, and put the humidifier(with vicks) on in her room. She still had a hard time settling but once she was down the night went MUCH better. Thank goodness!! I got a six hour stint!! YES YES YES!!

Thanks to all of you who were thinking and praying for us, keep it up!! It helped!!

So did you miss me?

You probably didn't even notice I was gone considering I haven't been posting much lately!! We had no computer for 2 days. It felt so weird not being able to check my email and check up on all you fellow bloggers. Rod fixed us up last night and it looks like everything is running smoothly.

Payton has a cold and it's been making her miserable!! Even worse than that is it's keeping her from sleeping. She's congested and coughing, she must have been up every 30min last night, eventually Rod just plunked her in bed with us out of pure desperation and an attempt to get more than 30min in a row. Then she woke up when he got up and refused to go back down so we've been up since 6:30. Needless to say I am exhausted!! Remember life before kids? When 6-8hrs sleep in a row was a SHORT nights sleep!! My goodness how times have changed!! So when Payton goes down for her nap(or should I say if), my debate is should I sneak some more sleep or have a shower....decisions decisions.....

Highlight of my day

Having a bath with my kid. We spent 45min filling and emptying buckets of various sizes. I got a "tank-you" every time I helped her fill one of hers. Loved it!!

I've been experiencing a lag, a lack of motivation to blog. Nothing major wrong, just been the same old stuff. Doing ok, just happy to sit in the background and read for a bit. I'm sure it won't last to long, it never does!!

What's with that?

Someone mentioned to me today that all the blogs had seemed very down lately. I stopped and thought about that and it's true, mine too. I think a lot of us are struggling right now and use their blogs as an outlet, I know I do. But how come when I have a good day, moment, or thought I don't feel compelled to write but if I'm having a bad day I feel the need to vent? I'm not saying there is anything wrong with venting but I personally need to find a balance. My life certainly isn't all bad, it's not even close to being bad. Somethings are hard yes but there are so many good things as well. I certainly don't want to give the woe-is-me impression all the time...YUCK!!

Have I become so accustomed to the good things I have in my life that I take them for granted. The very thought horrifies me. I think I need to re-program some optimism and thankfulness back into myself. I love to laugh and have a good time, why doesn't my writing imply that? I don't feel my personality comes across well, reading back over some of the other stuff I wrote I find myself thinking do I even have a sense of humor anymore? Maybe I really am in trouble!! LOL!! Am I letting people in? Sometimes I think I get to personal, divulge to much about myself when in actual reality I'm being very selective about what goes out there. You get a crumb not a cake. Maybe I really do need to clean out my fridge!!(quoting Cari) ...or at least open it up and let it air!!

My daughter and Andrew are in Payton's room, having a dance in the dark with flashlights. And of course the door MUST be closed!! There's a whole lotta giggling going on!!

It's really very cute...but....when do I start to worry about such things???

Tis the season

Well, I've been sick. YUCK!! I hate being sick. I have that really nasty cold that's been going around. Today is the first day in forever that I feel halfway normal. Still tired, and have my cough, but so much better than I was. YEAH!! So now I've got to take care of myself so it doesn't sneak back!

And clean my house, which seems mysteriously to get messy when I'm out of commission....I wonder how that happens??

As much as I always look forward to weekends, they always seem to be a let down. I think it's my fault in that I build them up, expect to much from them. Then when another weekend is gone without meeting my expectations I always feel bad, mostly mad about myself for not utilizing the time I had more efficiently. I need to let it go and just enjoy the time I have, time with my husband, time with my daughter, time away from home, just enjoy the break not put to many expectations on it. I do that though, have high expectations, for everything. It seems to be my undoing so often. I build things up only to crash when they crumble. The good news is I've been working on it, maybe not lowering my expectations per say, but making sure I don't have unrealistic expectations.

Overall it seems to make me a happier person, and that's what I want. To be more content where I'm at. Am I where I thought I'd be by 26? Nope, is that ok? Most of the time(can't say yes, that wouldn't be completely true). The truth is I'm not where I thought I'd be but I also have so much more that I wanted. There is a much bigger world out there, much more important things than having the dream career, a big house, and money to spare. I've met many well off people, they weren't any happier than we were, some were downright miserable. We have so much more under our little, cluttered two bedroom suite than many people have in mansions. We have family, we have love, and we have God. What else is important? I'm sure the other things will come with time, but maybe they won't and I can't let myself be wrapped up in material things.

I am thankful for what I have.
-I am thankful for a wonderful husband(who let me sleep in this morning because I'm not feeling well even though he's tired too).
-I'm thankful for a beautiful rambunctious daughter who constantly reminds me what lives all about.
-I'm thankful for family who loves us and watches over us.
- I'm thankful for friends who are more like family, with whom I can share with and feel safe doing so.
-I'm thankful Rod has a job.
-I'm thankful to be able to stay home with my daughter.
-I'm thankful for landlords who are friends and care about us, not the money.
-I'm thankful for our health.
-I'm thankful for a God who loves us no matter what and will always take care of us.

I'm thankful for my life.

Payton,

Mama is tired. She has being really relaxed about making you sleep through the night. She can't stand the thought of not going to you when you cry at night, wondering why isn't my mama coming? She can handle getting up once at night to sooth you and cuddle you, you are growing so fast she doesn't want to miss a moment. She doesn't know if you've got more teeth coming, aren't feeling well, or are just taking advantage of her softness but you can't keep getting up 6 times a night. She will reach a breaking point and will be forced into a decision you won't like. A tired and sick Mama can't handle that many night time interruptions for very long. You are turning into a big girl and are perfectly capable of sleeping through the night, we know as you have done it before. So please PLEASE give your Mama a break and let her get some rest. She loves you very much and doesn't want to be forced into anything drastic!!

A very loving Mama

Trust and Pray

It has been mentioned to me that I should blog. I guess I forget that some people check up with me on my blog and like to be kept up to date!! Apparently if I go to long without blogging people worry(you know who you are!!). It's nice to be loved!!

Everything is moving along, there has been some resolution to problems and stresses, and others we are still waiting and praying about. I have no idea what this year is going to hold but I hope I can hang onto God's desires for us instead of mine.

I realized yesterday that my "baby" is almost a year and a half!! That's insane, it feels like just yesterday that we had her 1st birthday. I feel sad when I think that she's never going to be this little again, but so glad that I've been able to stay home so far and enjoy the time I have. I need to remember sometimes the reason we are struggling so much financially was a choice. We felt that God wanted me to stay home and be wife and mother, that this was my new permanent job. What better job could you ask for? We feel that if we can pull it off it is the best thing for our family. I have to trust that if this is where God wants me he will provide.

Trust and pray, trust and pray, trust and pray.

I knew my kid would be a computer geek......

Check it out, Payton started a blog!!

Does anyone know how(or if) her site can have a seperate profile?

I'm done. Yup, it's what 4 days into 2006? And I've had enough.

I don't want to spend alot of time complaining about my life as there are so many good things in my life that to complain would belittle that. At the same time there are some aspects that are stressful, but as anyone knows life comes with stress, it's a package deal.

And there are some things that drive me absolutly insane. Some of it we've let happen, we should have known better, but had a desire to help. Some of it hasn't anything to do with us except through relation, but is very much a part of our life right now through association. Some of it affects us directly and is adding weight brick by brick to my shoulders, and to my mental health. We have enough problems of our own to be worrying about someone else's crap.

I'm worried this will start causing strain on our marriage, and cause me to be less availiable to my kid. What I really want to do is hide, no that's not quite it, the desire is to run. Go away somewhere where I can figure out my own crap and let the other stuff settle itself out in my absence. It's not possible I know, I am far to responsible for that, but oh wouldn't it be nice??

So I guess I did complain, blah blah blah. Just needed a vent, an outlet. Now the decision is to post or not to post.

Organization or should I say disorganization?

I'm not organized by nature, but I think I can learn. I think if I can get somewhat organized it may help me from going insane. Maybe not, but it's worth a try. So what I need is help, and although I'm sure there is many areas I could use advice in, let's stick to hints on making your life organized and keeping it that way. Any ideas?? What help makes your day run smoothly? How do you manage to fit everything into a day? How about organizing a small space? Or children's spaces(toys ect)? What has helped those other disorganized people out there?

It's a New Year.

Somehow I lack the motivation to get excited by starting a new year. I spent the minutes leading up to the countdown to 2006 folding laundry. Exciting I know, I was equally as enthralled. I was pondering what that could mean about the coming year? Is it to be The Year of the Laundry? The year that I stick my head out of the piles of laundry and housework only when I can't breath anymore. The year that I feel neck deep in sticky fingers, and temper tantrums. The year that I lose myself completely in trying to make everything work out.

I'm sure that will be part of it, it is after all an inevitable part of having kids. And some how there is still a desire to have another, so I guess it can't be that bad. I've been spending a lot of time pondering last year and looking at what I want to happen in 2006. Trying to find my enthusiasm for tackling the next year. I want to make the most of it, regardless of what gets thrown at me. I need to find my faith. I think once I can coax it out of the dark corner that it's taken refuge in everything will become clearer.

Anyways, I should go. My "other" kid, the one who takes residence on my couch isn't going to sleep as long as I'm here typing away. She says she isn't tired, I bet I hear a different story when I try to get her up in the morning.....

Clean Sweeping

Well, I'm trying to anyways. Charity and Mandy are here helping us start going through stuff. THANKS GUYS!!! I just got so overwhelmed I didn't know where to start. Anyways I'm working on Payton's room trying to gut her closet and make more room for her new stuff. Misty is taking the exersaucer-that will give us some room!! So now I have also decided to give up the swing, it's an old hand crank one, but it works and was savior with a cranky baby. Also the glider chair, the chair itself is fine but it didn't come with a cushion as I bought it second hand. I was going to make a new cushion but never got around to it, we have a patio chair cushion on it at the moment. We just don't use it. So if you or anyone you know are interested in either give me a shout.

Some things just don't change....

Group picture just after Christmas.
Group picture last November. Hmmmmm..........

What a difference 5 months makes

The girls last summer.
And just after Christmas.

ARGH

It's 3 0'clock and we are all still in out jammies. So far the only accomplishment that has been made is the tree has been taken down. I looked into self-storage units and buying storage sheds, it's very expensive and depressing. I now am back to being overwhelmed and stressed out. Didn't take long did it? I guess I should stop worrying about everything and start cleaning.

Now I am going to bore you with family pictures....

We had such a great time being in Alberta over Christmas. I have enjoyed the opportunity not only to get to know my cousins better and watch them grow, but to spend time with the rest of the family that I so rarely see. I miss them all SO much, and wish they lived closer. I have a ton of pictures and am going to share a few with you, well actually I am going to share many with you!!


Darby the photographer.
Rod and I.
Chloe. Can you see the trouble in her eyes? hehe! She and Payton are similar in so many ways. Their birthday is only two days apart, we think it may be a July baby thing. The super busy, into everything, mischievous, what can I get into today syndrome.....What do you think Misty, is it a born in July thing??
My cutie patootie!!

More pictures.....

My Mom and I.

My cousins and I.Me and my baby in her Christmas dress.

Yet more pictures.....

This is my Aunt Wanda(Mom's sister) and Uncle Jimmy, and Hannah and Boomer of course!!
Christmas dinner, it sure was yummy!
We hadn't had the whole family together in a long time so a group shot was in order. It was hot, squishy, and painful. But very worth it!! Chloe is missing as she was already in bed I think Jimmy is going to photoshop her in sometime in the future.
Rod and I with Mom and Al(Mom's finance). Payton was napping.

Are you bored yet?? Yes it is MORE pictures....

We bought the girls matching tanks in the summer and did a group shot and just had to do it again. I should find the summer shot for comparison, I can't believe the difference 6 months makes!!
Payton and her cousins(well technically 2nd cousins) enjoying a treat, they were to cute sitting there. Until of course Payton decided to sample from Chloe's bowl.....
Payton got a matching outfit from her cousins for Christmas so here we go again, trying to get a 1 and a half year old, a two and a half year old, and a four year old to stand still and all smile in the same direction......
We are still trying....the little plaid skirts are SO cute!!!

Will it never end?????? The end is in sight, this is the last of the pictures......For now....

This is my Uncle Dan(Mom's brother), Aunt Kathy, and cousins Ryan and Dana.
I was very excited to get a four generations of women picture. This is Payton and I, with my Mom and Grandma.
The McLatchy family at Christmas(well boxing day actually).
This is my Aunt Donna(Mom's sister), Uncle Billy, and my cousins Darby(on the left) and Chloe. This is who we stayed with in Red Deer, Thanks guys!!!

They're back.........

Yes, we are home safe and sound. It was a good trip, minus the stomach flu....but that will have to wait for another day, I'm tired!!

P.S. Thank you SO MUCH to the cleaning elf that left me a much cleaner house to come home to! It's greatly appreciated!! I have awesome friends!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!


I hope everyone is having a GREAT day!!

And we're here

Just wanted to let everyone know we arrived safe and sound, a little late thanks to a flight delay, but everything else went smoothly. Payton is exhausted but having a good time. It's so nice to see everyone, we were calculating when the last time we had family pictures with everybody present, it's been 20 years!! So there is a family portrait planned, We are also going to be able to get a 4 generational photo done, that's very cool!!

I hope everyone is having a wonderful Christmas eve!!


P.S. Dear Santa, I've been a very good girl all year and all I want for Christmas is to clean and organized house. Do you think that could be arranged?? lol !! If only.....

I wasn't going to blog today as I have so many other things to do. As Christmas draws closer I find myself dwelling on the things that really matter. I have the habit of worrying about how everything is going to work out when I just can't see an end. When in fact I have more than enough to be thankful for right now.

I am thankful for:

-My husband and best friend
-My beautiful, full of life daughter
-That I have a roof over my head and wonderful landlords who are also friends
-That I've never known what it means to be hungry
-That I have extended family that loves me
-That I have wonderful friends who are more like family than friends
-That I get to travel and visit relatives who seem so far away most days
-That God sent his one and only son to die for our sins
-That soon we get to celebrate the birth of our savior
-Grace
-Good health

There are many more things but this list could get long and I might miss my plane!! So I am going to trust that God will continue to take care of me as he always has. That just because I can't see what's in store doesn't mean that he doesn't. Thank you Lord for sending you son for us, I am excited to help you celebrate his birthday in a couple day!! I hope that everyone has a wonderful Christmas season regardless of circumstances, remember that Christmas is not about the gifts and lights, it's about a little boy born many years ago as a savior for us. Merry Christmas!!

Wow

You know the feeling when your experiencing many different emotions all at once? That's how I'm feeling right now. Excited, crazy, happy, overwhelmed, tired, anxious, elated, worried. It's a lot to have going on at once!! It's not all about the trip and getting ready either, it's also about what is going to happen when we get home. I always experience let down after it's all said and done, I guess we all do. We've barely been scraping by, by the skin of our teeth and we are going to have to make some big choices this coming year. Choices, change, the unknown, I dread it, I don't deal well with any of it. Oh well, we are going to have a wonderful trip and fantastic visit, and leave the future to the future. I have to have faith that everything will turn out for the best.

I think I need to go to bed.

My new favorite Christmas song.

I bought a Christmas CD for 99 cents while shopping the other day, you know a gift with purchase kind of thing. It was a mixed CD and had some pretty interesting stuff on it. But there was one song that I really like and thought I would share with you. The Jing-Ding stuff looks silly but it sounds good.

Make It Christmas Day

Jann Arden

Many years ago on Christmas Day
People came from all around to bow their heads and pray
For on that lonely night a babe was born
God gave us his only son that He may save the world

And He taught us of compassion
He taught us how to love
He taught us to believe in God above

Let Him know that you are still alive
Raise your hands up to the sky
Get down on your knees and pray
If only for one day
Make it Christmas Day

Jing-a-ling-a-long
Ding Dong Jing-a-long
Jing-a-ling-a-long
Ding Dang Dong
Jing Jing-a-ling
Sing along Jing along
Jing-a-ling-a-long
Ding Dong
Ding Dang Dong

Now we all await the coming eve
I wonder if there is a single soul who still believes
It's not the flashing glamour of the lights
But only the remembrance of a distant holy night

For He taught us of compassion
And He taught us how to love
He taught us to believe in God above

Let know that you are still alive
Raise your hands up to the sky
Get down on your knees and pray

Let Him know you're still alive
Raise your hands up to the sky
Get down on your knees and pray
If only for one day,
Make it Christmas Day

Jing-a-ling-a-long
Ding Dong Jing-a-long
Jing-a-ling-a-long
Ding Dang Dong
Jing Jing-a-ling
Sing along Jing along
Jing-a-ling-a-long
Ding Dang Dong

Jing Jing-a-ling
Sing along Jing along
Jing-a-ling-a-long
Ding Dang Dong

Jing Jing-a-ling
Sing along Jing along
Jing-a-ling-a-long
Ding Dang Dong

Jing Jing-a-ling
Sing along Jing along
Jing-a-ling-a-long
Ding Dong

I just realized...

IT'S THE 20th!!!! Oh dear.....

Forwards

Don't get me wrong, some of the forwards I receive are good I even pass the odd one along. Sometimes though, it's enough to drive me nuts!!


Click here.

The countdown continues at a frenzied pace....

Yes folks, we are officially on "the last minute" train to Christmas. 6 sleeps left, which means 5 days to finish shopping, wrapping, baking, cleaning, laundry, packing, and whatever else has to be accomplished before the big day hits. Today I have no motivation. I think the busy schedule of the last few days has wiped me out.

We had a good weekend, just busy. We did Christmas with Rod's Dad and family as we are going to be away. It was really nice to spend time with everyone although it very definitely doesn't feel like enough. We were spoiled as usual, but my favorite part was watching Payton interact with the rest of the family. What a funny kid I have. Candice and Jake brought their pug, Pig(yes the dogs name is Pig and it suits him!), so the game was chase the dog. She managed not to get into to much trouble, although there were a couple casualties, 1 snowglobe and 1 glass ball(Sorry Jillian!!).

Anyways I really need to get it together and get something accomplished while Payton is still sleeping. My Mom and Al are leaving for Alberta tomorrow(they're driving) and I need to figure out what we are sending with them and get it wrapped. As well as the usual laundry and cleaning ect. The busy schedule has caused household neglect and it is starting to drive me crazy. So if you see me wandering around aimlessly muttering to myself you'll understand, it's just the countdown to Christmas meltdown.....

I KNEW IT!!

Bread IS dangerous!!

It's definitely the Christmas season!!

It's been one of those weeks, you know the ones, when you have 6 million things to do and a very small amount of time to get it done. Every moment has been taking care of kids or getting ready for Christmas, or both!! My housework is definatly suffering and it's starting to drive me crazy. At this point I'm really glad we'll be gone for Christmas because that means I won't have to look at this place for a few days!! Yikes!!

I haven't been getting much sleep either. I can't blame that solely on Payton although she is usually still up at least once a night. We've been going to bed really late. With Rod getting home between 6-7, it's put Payton to bed, eat, put Holly to bed, clean the kitchen, and try to visit with my hubby. All of a sudden it's late :( I have to figure out a way to schedule everything so it runs smoother around here. Oh well. When everything gets back to normal(what's normal??) we'll see what happens.

Candice(Rod's sister) came out today and took us for lunch. It was very nice to see her. She took Holly for the afternoon which is awesome because they haven't seen much of each other recently. Although I'm not really short a kid because now I have Hailey(from upstairs) down playing with Andrew.

I better run, it sounds like Payton doesn't agree with me that it's naptime :( All I want to do is get some cleaning done. Is that to much to ask? Geesh.

This is why I would never get an Asian character tattoo....

Throw Paper!

How bored are you?

Guess the Dictator/Sit-Com Character

Check this out, we have been trying to stump this game and have not succeeded. We've tried old and new, human and cartoon, and it's guessed right everytime.

Confused?? Just try it.

Here's one for the girls???

This is for all the girls who have always wanted to "write" their name in the snow......

Hair issues

Hi fellow bloggers!! I need some recommendations. I have lost my hairdresser, and am wanting to get a haircut. Does anyone know a good hairdresser that they could recommend?? Thanks!!

There we go, now I know what I should do with my life!!

You Should Get a MFA (Masters of Fine Arts)

You're a blooming artistic talent, even if you aren't quite convinced. You'd make an incredible artist, photographer, or film maker.

What Advanced Degree Should You Get?

My dancing Queen....

I thought I would share a few pics from Payton's first kids Christmas Party. What a great time she had, it was a blast watching her. She loved the music(they had a live childrens entertainer), all the kids(150+), the huge snowglobe(I could have easily fit in it), spending time with Grandpa and Grandma(although we didn't see much of Grandma elf!!), and of course dancing(as you can see). She wasn't to sure about Santa but sure loves the pony he gave her!! It was a good time!! Thanks LaFarge!!

Interesting

Very interesting article about SIDS and soother use. Read it here.

Thanks Rod.

Sometimes, life's just like that.

Isn't it funny how the days just keep on passing by regardless of how your feeling? Things have been pretty rough lately and I've finally gotten to a breaking point. There's been a lot going on around Rod and I, things that really shouldn't be our problems, our concerns, but have become very much part of our world through our desire to help. But as things keep spiraling so does my emotional health. I feel used up, like I have no more to give yet keep trudging along because I have no choice.

Mentally, emotionally it feels like I've taken a severe beating and am in the process of scraping the pieces off the floor. Putting the pieces together feels hopeless. The pieces are so fragile and have a habit of shattering into pieces that just won't go back together. I think if I ever get it figured out the end result will look much different than when I started.

I have a habit of trying to deal with things on my own. If I let others know exactly how I'm doing I feel as though I'm burdening them. Even worse than that I don't let God in. He so desperately wants to help me and I don't want to admit anything is wrong. I finally heard him tell me to let others in, it's a shame he had to break my will to do it. I let some trusted friends in and asked for prayer,and cried, came home, and cried some more.

I gave everything to God, again, and to be honest I don't feel much better. I'm sure I will eventually but in the meantime I'm trying desperately not to take everything back again. Trust and pray have become my mantra. I'm so upset that all this is happening at Christmas time, I feel so jipped, my usual enthusiasm for the season has been clouded. Oh well, this too will pass, everything does.

I need to vent!

I'm glad it's thursday. Get ready for a vent tonight girls, if I don't explode before then.

Are we crazy?

So I've been watching the weather in Alberta and it hasn't been pretty, consistently in the -20 area!! I was just thinking that I don't think my winter clothes are wintry enough!!! I'm gonna FREEZE!!!! hehe, I'm really looking forward to it!!

Those crazy toddlers....

I found a great article on toddler behavior. Check it out here.

Payton already has more rhythm than her dad. I'm not saying that to be mean, but Rod can't even clap in rhythm!! She cracks me up, she has a little jig she does, her whole little body jives. Now she either sings at the same time or says "dance dance dance dance". I LOVE IT!! hehe, she is so going in dance lessons when she's old enough!!

Testing..123

I have always believed I have large amounts of patience. Not never ending mind you, just more than your average. I am finding that the greatest test to my patience is my one year old. She's wonderful, funny, adorable, loving, full of life and energy and the cutest ever. But she's also one, into everything repeatedly and without the reasoning skills needed to explain why she shouldn't.......There's nothing as humbling as having a child, in so many different ways.

Looking forward to the "terrible two's".....

Yum!!

I have discovered Diet Orange Crush, sweetened with Splenda rather than Aspartame! Tastes good without as many crazy chemicals! Good news for us trying to cut back on sugar!!

Choices

I've been sitting her tonight and pondering, one thought in particular has my wheels turning. How much about life is choices? Things we choose to do or not to do, things we choose to be or not to be. I know things happen that we have no control over, but we choose what to do afterwards. So if I've been choosing to let certain thoughts and feelings run my life how do I un-choose them?

Right now I choose to stop thinking and go to bed...good night!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ROD!!!

Thanks for being such a wonderful husband and father!! We love you!

Jingle Bells

Went Christmas shopping tonight. Got some stuff done. It's very crazy out there!! I forgot how much I hate finding a parking space in December, yuck yuck yuck!! Payton makes shopping miserable for me now if I'm by myself, I get next to nothing done :( That's why I was hoping to get more done while Rod was there, oh well, what can you do?

Highlight of my day: Payton running around singing "Jingle bells Jingle bells Jingle bells Jingle bells ". TO CUTE!! hehe

Snowbound

Yes, I love the snow. I love how it makes everything look so beautiful and peaceful. I love going out to play, the crunch under your feet. It reminds me of my childhood(I grew up in Alberta, there was LOTS of snow). It makes me feel festive.

This year so far, I also find it makes me feel trapped. This brings with it feelings of overwhelm and exasperation. I need to run my kid around, there just isn't room in my place to do that. Yes we all get bundled up(a painstaking process) and go outside to play the snow, which lasts for varying lengths of time depending on the child. Thenwe all get unbundled(another painstaking process) and go back inside. Payton's not quite into the snow yet, doesn't want to run around much, she'd rather I carried her which takes the fun out of it. So I look for other options, where can I take kids that's indoor, fun, and free(or really really cheap?) There's just nowhere. I ended up taking them to Superstore earlier in the week and letting them run loose in the toy section. I'm sure they loved me!

I also don't have winter tires, they are decent tires, I just can't afford a winter set. So driving very far when it's snowing, or when the roads are covered makes me nervous. I haven't had a problem I am just very busy anticipating them.

Despite everything I still am enjoying the treat of the snow, we have it so rarely. So I say,

"LET IT SNOW LET IT SNOW LET IT SNOW"

Just not when I have to drive, have kids who need to be run, or need desperately to get out....

Is it wrong....

to let kids play Nintendo for hours when you have a migraine?

We did play outside a couple of times but that's about all the entertaining I've felt up too, and if you let them choose what to do it's almost always nintendo. Oh well...they've been quiet.....

Holly scored a day off....

This morning I didn't want to drive because of the snow and was going to take her to school at lunch time, now that the roads are fine I have a migraine coming on and I can't drive....

Lucky Holly

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas....

It's SO beautiful outside. A winter wonderland, I'm so upset that my camera isn't working. I'm going to have to borrow Sonia's and get some shots of the snow, especially if I take Payton out to play!!

Schools are open in Mission, but Rod called and said that although some roads are plowed they are still slippery and said he didn't think I should venture out on the roads yet. So unless Shelley braves the roads I'm keeping Holly home and we'll see what happens later. Besides it just started snowing again!! YEAH!!

IT'S SNOWING!!!!!!!

Something completely useless

Click here

My record is 84, I know, I'm amazing.....

Busy-ness, in a good way

Wow, what a crazy weekend. For a switch I hardly saw my kid at all!! Sat a group of us got together and made some Christmas cards. It was so nice to visit and be able to be creative without chasing Payton around. When I got home I found my Christmas tree up with lights strung. I had decided not to put my tree up this year but Rod had other idea's! But it is nice to have it up!! I'm not sure about whether I'll fully decorate it or not, Andrew is trying to put some plastic) ornaments up but Payton keeps pulling them off. So they are all in a straight row right above her reach!! LOL!!

Then we got to go to the Grey Cup on Sunday! We never would have bought tickets so it was a real treat. It would have been even better if Vancouver was playing but it was great anyways. I chose to cheer for Edmonton and after double overtime they won! It was a very close game with made it more fun. The half time show was bad, it was SO bad. The Black Eyed Peas performed, now I'm not a fan of theirs anyways but I was still going to watch, I wanted to go to the washroom and stretch my legs but I was going to wait until after the half-time show. A couple minutes in I decided I'd rather miss it than the football game!! But the whole day was nice we rode in with Rod's dad and Jillian so we got to visit, then we strolled around all the Grey Cup activity going on, went for lunch, then to the game.

What a good day!! What a good weekend!!

Of course no cleaning, grocery shopping or Christmas shopping got done, but you can only do so much!!

Idea's wanted

My extended family this year is doing a gift exchange game, you know one of the ones where you can steal ect. Where for some reason everyone figures the best gift is the big heavy one, just like when we were kids. Anyways I think it will be fun but I've been shopping a couple of times and as always am having a hard time coming up with two neat, unisex gifts, that are $15 and under(I think that was our limit anyways). Has anybody got any ideas?????

Darn

We're going to the Grey Cup!! Rod won tickets on the radio coming home from work!! It will be so fun for us to have a date!!

And here comes the reason for the darn. I thought we had someone lined up to watch Payton but it looks like they had prior engagements that they forgot about. So if anybody is available and so inclined to watch my baby please let me know. Thanks.

You Raise Me Up

I had a couple really peaceful days recently. The best days in months. There really wasn't anything special or specific that happened, just a calmness and peacefulness resting on my soul. There was no doubt in my mind that everything would work out, that I was living in God's will. Besides being wonderful it reminded me of what it was like to rest in peacefulness. Now a few days later I can feel a shift that has left me craving peace, peace within myself. I have been reminded of what it's like to rest in God's will and trust him with my whole being, now I'm not going to settle for any less than what God wants for me.

When the overwhelm, fustration, and panic started to set in again last night I chased it away. When it tried this morning I started to feel defeated. But instead of giving up I said simply to God, "I can't do this everyday, show me what to do". A few minutes later a song came on the radio that reminded me that I'm not alone and sometimes I just need to stop and wait, he will come, he always does.

The funny thing was it wasn't a Christian radio station.



You Raise Me Up
Josh Groban

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary
When troubles come and my heart burdened be
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders
You raise me up: To more than I can be.
(4x)

YEAH!!!

IT'S FRIDAY!!!!



And I went Christmas shopping and bought myself a new purse!! It was a good day!!

Familiarity

I'm reading Captivating, well, I'm trying to read Captivating. Somehow it makes me angry and self abusive. I'm not sure if it's just because I don't want to deal with my issues, or I just have a block about seeing myself as beautiful. I think maybe I like my issues, I like my box, it may not be comfortable, but it's familiar.

But I'm working on it, sort off.

Has anyone noticed?

That it's Nov 16 already???? AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Anyone need to go Christmas shopping? I'm going to need some support.....

I'M HOME!!

Excerpt from michelles TXT message

"in calgary, very bumpy, feeling sick..."

This is me signing off...for now...

I am about to go pack my suitcase, finally. My house is not going to be cleaned before I go :( But that has to be ok, because that's the way it is going to be. None of my relatives there have internet, hard to believe I know. I will try to find an internet cafe or something to let you all know how I'm doing. If not I'll ask Rod to post for me that I made it safe and sound. I hope everyone has a great week!!! See you in a week!!

Just a vent

Well, my nice cool exterior is quickly evaporating. My brain is whirling so quickly that I don't even know what's going on in there and the result is fustration. The house is a disaster, it all started with Rod and I taking a day off from tidying on sat. We figured it would be nice just to spend some time together not worrying about anything house-holdish, and we would get to everything on sun. Well on sun we got the news about my grandfather which sent the rest of the day into a loss. Well we did do some stuff, but it was attempting to clear some of the space in the bedroom and doing laundry. Big mistake, big big mistake. Note to self always ALWAYS do the main living area first. As that is where most of your time is spent and is most likely to drive you insane if messy. Between trying to figure out what was going on, and having a Payton(and others) not only is my house still a mess but I'm not packed either. AH!! It's just to much for my little mind to take. So to anyone that will be in my house while I am gone, I apologize, it's not usually this disgusting. Really, it isn't. Don't worry about it my husband says, which is fine and all, but I do not want to come home to this and there are going to be people here. ARGH!!

I spent a bunch of time today getting some pictures ready to be printed, pictures of Payton and the family to show to relatives. I was going to send them to London Drugs online and pick them up later. So I got them all ready went online and filled out all the forms, when I got to the last step before confirmation it says, they will be ready for pick-up within 24hrs. I will be in High Prairie in 24 hours!! And you can't use your keychain(discounts) online either. ARGH!! So now because I need to be doing things here and Payton needs to nap there is no way I am going to have any pictures to take!!!

Anyways, I just needed to vent, I need to stop now and go and try to get something accomplished. In 7.5 hours I need to be leaving here for the Airport, think I'll do it???

I've come to a realization....

I'M ONLY ONE PERSON!!!!

What am I going to do without my baby for 6 days??????

Things to do

Well, it looks like we've got child care covered. One thing down, many to go. I need to clean my house, I don't want to come home to such a mess. And I need to find something to wear to the funeral. I also have to pack everything else. Make sure Payton's clothes are clean and everything else is ready.

K, game plan: Put Payton down for her nap, clean, when she gets up go to Reitmans and see what I can find. Come home, laundry and clean some more. Tonight after Payton is in bed. Pack some and clean some more....

Well it's official...

I am Alberta bound, well not quite yet, but soon. I'm leaving Thursday and will be back Tuesday. Rod is going to stay home with Payton, he's going to stay home from work on Thursday and Friday is a holiday. Does anyone want a 1 year old for a couple days next week?? How bout a seven year old? Gee, my life got complicated quickly.

I just had a thought, well a couple really. What am I going to wear to a funeral? And do I even have any winter clothes, I mean REAL winter it gets below O and there may be snow winter clothes???
ARGH!!!!

Ok, just a couple more..SOMEBODY STOP ME!!!

You Are 24 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

What's with this???

You Are 70% Weird

You're so weird, you think you're *totally* normal. Right? But you wig out even the biggest of circus freaks!

How Weird Are You?

You would think I have alot of time on my hands!!

You Are Likely an Only Child

At your darkest moments, you feel frustrated. At work and school, you do best when you're organizing. When you love someone, you tend to worry about them. In friendship, you are emotional and sympathetic. Your ideal careers are: radio announcer, finance, teaching, ministry, and management. You will leave your mark on the world with organizational leadership, maybe as the author of self-help books.

The Birth Order Predictor

Reeses Peanut Butter Cups

Very popular, one of you is not enough.

What Kind of Candy Are You?

What Your Sleeping Position Says

You are secretly sensitive, but you often put up a front. Shy and private, you yearn for security. You take relationships slowly. You need lots of reassurances before you can trust.

What Does Your Sleeping Position Say About You?

Your Inner Child Is Surprised

You see many things through the eyes of a child. Meaning, you're rarely cynical or jaded. You cherish all of the details in life. Easily fascinated, you enjoy experiencing new things.

How Is Your Inner Child?

Your Birthdate: April 29

You have the mind of an artist, even if you haven't developed the talent yet. Expressive and aware, you enjoy finding new ways to share your feelings. You often feel like you don't fit in - especially in traditional environments. You have big dreams. The problem is putting those dreams into action. Your strength: Your vivid imagination Your weakness: Fear of failure Your power color: Coral Your power symbol: Oval Your power month: November

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

You Passed 8th Grade Math

Congratulations, you got 10/10 correct!

Could You Pass 8th Grade Math?

Your Personality Profile

You are dependable, popular, and observant. Deep and thoughtful, you are prone to moodiness. In fact, your emotions tend to influence everything you do. You are unique, creative, and expressive. You don't mind waving your freak flag every once and a while. And lucky for you, most people find your weird ways charming!

The World's Shortest Personality Test

Your Observation Skills Get A C

You tend to notice the big things in life... But the details aren't exactly your forte

How Observant Are You?

You Are A Good Friend

You're always willing to listen Or lend a shoulder to cry on You're there through thick and thin Many people consider you their "best friend"!

What Kind of Friend Are You?

This is why I hate it when the phone rings in the night....

My Grandpa passed away last night. My Dad's Dad. I'm so glad we went out there this summer. These are photos taken while we were there. My Grandpa, Payton, and my Aunt Donna(my Dads sister). He would have been 92 in a few days.

Despite rainy days and busy schedules we did manage to take Payton for her first trip to the pumpkin patch. Along with a couple extra stow-aways!! We had a good time, and as you could tell we couldn't bring home just 1 pumpkin!! In our defense they weren't ALL for us!! hehe!!

Mom=

Wake-up call, chef, taxi driver, race car driver(well not really but that's what it feels like when you pick up three kids in 30min from 3 different schools), referee, dishwasher, laundress, maid, therapist, teacher, doctor, and of course the big bad wolf......

It's no wonder I feel inadequate most of the time, I'm way under-qualified!!

Gosh I hate this

My baby is sick. I hate that she can't tell me what's wrong. All I know is she's got a fever of 102 currently and we've been trying to cool her down. :(

Daylight savings time

What a bummer. My usually enthusiasm for "fall back" and the extra hour of sleep it usually entails is no longer. Once you have small children it is just something that causes you to be up an hour earlier(yes I know in "reality" it is actually the same time but that's besides the point). Payton figured it was time to be up at 6:30 this morning, I realize that her internal clock was indeed correct, but doesn't she take daylight saving into account??? I didn't think she's sleep in but I'm forever hopeful.....

From Captivating

UNSEEN, UNSOUGHT, AND UNCERTAIN

" I know I am not alone in this nagging sense of failing to measure up, a feeling of not being good enough as a woman. Every woman I've ever met feels it-something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does. An underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is. I am not enough, and, I am too much at the same time. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy. The result is Shame, the universal companion of women. It haunts us, nipping at our heals, feeding on our deepest fear that we will end up abandoned and alone.

After all, if we were better women-whatever that means-life wouldn't be so hard. Right? We wouldn't have so many struggles; there would be less sorrow in our hearts. Why is it so hard to create meaningful friendships and sustain them? Why do our days seem so unimportant, filled not with romance and adventure but with duties and demands? We feel unseen, even by those who are closest to us. We feel unsought-that no one has the passion or the courage to pursue us, to get past our messiness to find the woman deep inside. And we feel uncertain-uncertain what it even means to be a woman; uncertain what it truly means to be feminine; uncertain if we are or ever will be.

Aware of our deep failings, we pour contempt on our own hearts for wanting more. Oh, we long for intimacy and for adventure; we long to be the beauty of some great story. But the desires set down deep in out hearts seem like a luxury, granted only to those women who get their acts together. The message to the rest of us-whether from a driven culture or a driven church-is try harder."

From Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge

So tired

I wish I was one of those people who function well on small amounts of sleep. I seemed to do quite well for awhile, I guess survival mode kicked after having Payton. Not saying I wasn't exhausted but at the same time 4 hours in a row was a miracle, I felt refreshed. I hate complaining because I know others who are getting less sleep than me but oh my gosh, it's starting to get to me. I think it's worse because I know Payton CAN sleep through, she's done it before. She's been going through a very long poor sleeping spell again. She's had a cold and there always seems to be a new tooth on the way now so I can't blame her. I just hate it when I wake in the (early) morning to Payton crying and wanting to get up and I feel resentful. I can't stand myself when that happens. I love my daughter and wouldn't change having her for anything, it makes me feel like the worst mother in the world, being resentful of a one year old over sleep. Argh. I think I need to work on a what I'm thankful for list!!! And go to bed earlier!!

On this day "21" years ago.....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY DEAR FRIEND MANDY!!!

Hope you had a great birthday, your getting more beautiful every year!! Love you!!

One of those days

So today sucked. I woke up feeling yucky and that progressed into a migraine. I can't find my T3's so I took a couple gravol and some Tylenol in hopes that I would be able to sleep. It worked, I slept for hours and hours. By the time I regained consciousness my head was feeling bearable. Which is good but most of the day was gone. I have accomplished absolutely nothing. Today was my day to get stuff done around here, stuff that desperately needs doing. I think I am a bit of a control freak, when things are out of my control or just feel that way I feel so overwhelmed it's almost unbearable. I hope this week goes by smoothly so I can regain a semi-balance of control in my house. Yikes!!

Michelle needs......

1. Go to Google.
2. Type in "[your first name here] needs"
3. Search

Michelle needs:

- your help. -Ummm...Yeah!!
-to move on with someone else since Tony's no longer around. -Tony?
-to find out that it is her baby and take her home. -I'm missing a baby??
-a home that can accept her limitations. -Yes, my inability to function without chocolate.
-a family that can love her for the young person that she is. - Doesn't everyone?
-money so she can travel to Canada. -how about just money?
-work. - because what I do isn't work?
-to spend some of her newly acquired wealth on attending a USGA rules.- Wealth??
-to increase her income. -ok, make up your mind about the money thing
- more to compete with the big boys. -hmmmm....
What Michelle needs to do is win. - Yes, I do like winning
-a family that will be patient, consistent, kind, loving. -Love and money seem to be a theme
- to gain experience. - I'm working on it!!

Have I mentioned to anyone.....

That I'm going to Alberta for Christmas???!!!

Yup, my mom wanted to get everyone together for Christmas. It's been a long long time since we've had a Colton family Christmas. She's also worried about my grandparents, they're health isn't getting any better. So she bought us plane tickets. I might actually get a white Christmas!! I'm a very excited!! Although I am nervous about taking a busy toddler on a plane!! It defiantly gives Christmas another thing to look forward to!!

My mind is a scary place.

I keep losing things in it. You know idea's, things I'm supposed to remember, stuff, anything and everything that goes into it disappears. It's really starting to drive me insane.

I bought a birthday gift months ago, you know there was a sale and I thought I was being all on top of it, organized even. I know I know, those of you who know me well will laugh here. Anyways I clearly remember putting it somewhere safe so I could find it when the time comes. So, the time has come, and......I CAN'T FIND IT!! ARGH!! I have torn apart my already messy bedroom, it is now a certified disaster zone. Clean sweep anyone?? And looked in every other conceivable place, our place is small, there are only so many places it could be!! The good news is I'm sure I can use it in the future, I just want to use it now! (insert pout)

Chow for now, I'm going shopping.........

You are Schroeder!


Which Peanuts Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

"Yes, the climax of this story is right there where we realize that we live Him and that we mustn't reduce Him to a performance, a mere play to sit idly by and watch. No, we must push back the enemy of apathy and become Him as the lovers He created us to be, the very ones that accelerate goodness in this world by taking a hand in ours and by offering justice for the oppressed and dignity to the broken. And we'’ll wrap it all up in a package called simplicity.

So ultimately, if we trust the Rider when he says go, well, then, we can honestly rise above the mundane and the minutia and simply meet his gaze and say, so I go -– not past tense mind you, but a personal commitment in the form of an ongoing action verb, one of moving and loving and going with arms wide open."

This was an excerpt taken from a post on So I Go.

I found this very powerful. I have feeling dry lately. Almost spiritually dead. I find lately I have to remind myself to be thankful, to read my bible, even to pray. Which is scary because praying always came naturally, I just did it, sometimes with out even realizing I felt a need, stopped what I was doing and prayed. I'm in a slump. Nothing grabs me, nothing pulls me. I desperately need to find the restart button and try this all again. I'd seen So I Go's comments here and there and decided to check it out. It really gave me something to think about and ponder for today and I'm thankful for that. He really is an amazing writer, you should check it out.

Hmmm.....

Seems like all my Mondays are the same. I hate Mondays.

Yet another new game of tag....

The rules are as follows:

1. Go into your archive.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag five other people to do the same.

My 23rd post, 5th line is as follows:

"We didn't know if we were coming or going."

Hmmm....Yup, still applies!! hehe.

I tag, Misty, Sue, Mandy, Jenn, and Kaylyn. Have fun!!