For my friend.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MISTY!!!!!!

It seems like only yesterday......(((((sigh)))))......

With Payton's second birthday rapidly approaching I've been doing an awful lot of reminiscing. I came across this photo while browsing pics today and was reminded how much I love this photo. It's definitely not the prettiest one of me, I'm definitely not at my best. There's just something about the look, the happiness, the joy, the proudness. Look what we did!! I love it.

This n that

I was SO sure Rod would have today off. That today would be the beginning of my weekend. I was wrong, I found out last night that he has Monday off. Darn!! I'm feeling down about having one more day to go. I'll survive, I know, I was just mentally already on long weekend mode!!

We went to a BBQ at Liz's last night(thanks Liz!!) and Payton actually went in the pool with Rod!! YEAH!! She's just not a water baby, maybe there's hope for her yet!!

We are officially caught up on Lost!! It's so good!! Now just to wait the few months until next season....

We still haven't heard about the new job. I'm feeling bummed but maybe that's not bad news maybe they've not had their meeting yet or have been really busy, but maybe it's not meant to be. This weeks been hard and I think I was just hoping for some good news.

Signing off for now, it's time to find some breakfast!!

Wow, this one made me cry

I stumbled accross a song on Leah's blog. She used it in a beautiful video montage and I fell in love with it. I just started thinking about my baby and how fast time goes, and the tears flowed. It's beautiful.



It is sung by someone called Janelle ( I've never heard of her but some of you might have)


AMAZING
Words and music by Chris Janz

The morning cold and raining
Dark before the dawn could come
How long in twilight waiting
Longing for the rising sun
Oh, Oh
You came like crashing thunder
Breaking through these walls of stone
You came with wide eyed wonder
Into all this great unknown
Hush now don’t you be afraid
I promise you I’ll always stay
I’ll never be that far away
I’m right here with you

You’re so amazing
You shine like the stars
You’re so amazing
The beauty you are
You came blazing
Right into my heart
You’re so amazing
You are, You are

You came from Heaven shining
Breath of God still fresh on you
The beating heart inside me
Crumbled at this one so new
Oh, Oh
No matter where, how far you wander
For a thousand years or longer
I will always be there for you
Right here with you
I hope your tears are few and fast
I hope your dreams come true at last
I hope you find love that goes on and on and on and on and on
I hope you wish on every star
I hope you never fall too far
I hope this world can see how wonderful you are

The conspiracy continues

So now, it's 4am!!

Did all you out there realize that it's starting to get light by 4AM!!!! Or is most of the world sleeping at 4am as they should be? The birds of course take the rising sun as a sign to sing, preferably loud and right by my window. How do you explain to the little LOUD birdies that at 4am it is still bed time!! ARGH.

So the suns up, the birds are singing and of course, Payton wakes up. So after taking some time to convince her to go back to bed it was 4:30, and could I sleep?? No, I eventually placed a pillow firmly over my head a was able to doze, briefly before Rod got up, followed closely by Payton not to be outdone.....

So that's my whine for the day. I'm tired, and grumpy and soon to be hot. And I have an extra kid.......WAAAAAAAAAAAAA

K, my vent is done!! I'm going to have a WONDERFUL day!!

Remember this?

Rod found this and oh my goodness did it ever take me back. I had to post it.

Conspiracy

I have my suspicions that Payton, the sun, and the birds have combined forces to make sure I'm out of bed by 6. You may think me paranoid but I'm convinced it's true........

Is this a sign of what my week will be like???

I went to the washroom this morning(exciting I know) and as I was washing my hands I hear Payton in a very excited sing songy voice "Mama.....Mama.....MAMA". I'm thinking what has she gotten into?

The Aloe Vera.

Yup, she's climbed up on the bed and found the Aloe Vera bottle sitting beside it. There is Aloe everywhere. All over her, all over the bed spread. And she's very proud of herself.

All I could do was laugh, and laugh some more as she grins at me proudly displaying her green arms and legs.

We went to work rubbing it all in, and put the comforter in the wash.

Another day has begun!!

Update

Hello everyone!!

Thanks so much for your prayers.

So everything looked ok in his eye. They figure it was a retinal migraine, or one on the visual cortex. I didn't even know that was possible but you learn something everyday. The symptoms are the same between the retina detaching and the migraine so the only way to be sure which it is is to go and get it check out. They do have a couple more tests they want to do just in case, The good news is his vision is great, he thought he was going to need glasses but he doesn't. He used to have better than 20/20 vision and now he's down to 20/20 so that's what he's noticed.

So YEAH!!!! Everything worked out, and we saved the money we were going to pay for an eye exam!!

Thanks again!!

Prayer request (Update)

Rod's vision went really weird this afternoon to the point where he left work and went to the clinic. The clinic sent him straight to the emergancy, he has been transferred to short term care and is waiting for a retenal detachment test. I'm a little freaked out and would really appreciate your prayers.

Thanks so much, I'll let you know when I hear anything.

****Update****

Rod just called, on the machine they have at the hospital to check eyes the specialist couldn't see the retina detaching but said that what Rod described sounded like it. The machine isn't detailed enough to pinpoint what's wrong so he's supposed to call tomorrow morning to get into somewhere with the proper equipment. The Dr said it may be just starting to detach, he also said there may be a vein that's bleeding into his eye. They should be able to see what's going on tomorrow. He's on his way home now.

Thanks for your prayers, I'll let you know tomorrow what they say.

Interview

Rod has a job interview right now. It sounds like a good job that would actually pay him what he's worth. I pray that everything goes well and that it is God's will.

The extent of my vocabulary today

Payton please get down down.
Payton get down.
Payton get down now.
Payton stop.
Payton no.
Payton, what did mama say?
Payton, the books stay on the bookshelf.
Payton, please put the books back on the bookshelf.
Paytons don't belong on the bookshelf.
Payton, the water stays in the sink.
Payton, what did mama say?
Payton get down.
No, you can't have a freeze for lunch.
Payton don't throw your food.
Payton wait.
Payton please use your inside voice.
Payton use your inside voice.
Use your inside voice now.
Payton you can't sit in the front seat.
Payton you can't drive.
Payton we don't eat toothpaste.
Payton, I think it's naptime.....NOW.

Climbing to a whole new level....

Payton has been a climber for a long time now. Recently her interest turned to ladders but couldn't quite get up past the first rung, I was fine with that. Well, friday she firgured it out. She can now get into the play center out back....Mama's got some new grey hairs.....



Up.....

Almost there.....

Up all the way...and SO proud of ourself!!

Can everyone say................ARGH!!!!!!!

Really, I'm ok. Just fustrated. Same old Same old.

Why is it....

that some people think it's ok to run away and hide from their problems. Problems THEY'VE created? And leave others to deal with it???

WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

A surprise visitor!!

My very cute Nephew stopped in for a surprise visit, he even brought his mom!! What a treat. Isn't he cute!!!

It goes so fast.

I've been pondering the last two years. What a monumental time. It's gone way to fast. It hasn't been a very productive time, I've muddled and struggled through most of it. I haven't accomplished the things I set out to accomplish and I haven't been the parent I envisioned. I've done my best and as we approach the 2 year milestone I am still amazed at the gift I was given, and that I am still sane.


Brand new Payton checking out the world. I can't believe she was so tiny.

Payton last weekend getting a ride with Phyllis(Phil's mom). Look at how big you've gotten!! Your amazing.

Why I use Neat Image.

Cute picture, cute baby, but the print would be nasty. The right side is original and the left was run through Neat Image. It's an easy program to use and best of all there is a free demo version(it will only let you save as JPEG)!! We just have the demo version, I was amazed when I started using it.

The washing machine runneth over.....

Have you ever stopped to think about how your washing machine seems to know when your load is full and automatically knows when to stop pouring water in? Well it doesn't always work...

This morning we witnessed a flood in our laundry/living/bath room....

We have spent the morning sopping up water, pulling everything out of the laundry room, finding places for things to dry out, and running fans to circulate air. My house is a DISASTER!!!

This is not how I wanted to spend my day.

Washing floors was on my to-do list though.

I got a little jealous of all the reno's going on so.....

We started some construction of our own, and what fun!!





I'm not sure what's up with the Rock star stance??


So, I've learned a little about structural integrity(Rod was impressed I used that term because he says isn't a "girl term") over the last couple days. Payton was also quite upset that the blanket didn't hold her weight as she attempted to walk off the coffee table on the blanket(twice!!) OUCH!! Of course the trauma was only temporary as the allure of playing in(or on) the fort was to strong!!

Yup, they did it.

They wrote off my car. It doesn't look so bad right? Well the front panel, bumper, and side panel would need replacing.What really did it though was a buckle in the frame. My poor baby. Just what we needed. More on this later.

The cat didn't like it, but......

Payton does!! maybe we will get our money's worth out of it!!

Unwanted visitors

And just for fun here is a couple pics of our poor fishes previously mentioned uninvited guests!!

Whats up with RSS feeds?

It hasn't been working anymore unless there is a title with the post. Is anyone else having this problem? I keep missing people's posts because they don't include a title, I'm getting fustrated.

If you don't know what an RSS feed is disregard this post......Just add a title to your posts and I'll be happy :)

Fishing anyone????

Everyone has heard about rambunctious toddlers throwing stuff in the toilet, well recently our fish tank has in essence become that toilet. Our poor fish has been enduring many visitors as of late. We have recently fished out of there, one(battery operated) cho cho train, one shoe, one duck, one dolphin, one plate, one flamingo, several magnets, one penny, one monkey, and one suction cup. There have of course been many many averted disasters.

Oh the joys!!

STUPID YUCKY TRICKY FLU!!!!

Andrew wanted to say hi!

Life as it is, was, or should have been,,,,,,

So I've been pretty quiet with the blogging lately. Unsure I guess how to convey how I'm feeling. Or maybe how to convey it without complaining.

Ladies retreat was awesome. I was finally able to let go of some stuff I'd been carrying around, the grief, anger, the never ending questions. I felt much lighter, briefly. I figured I would finally start feeling normal, whatever normal is. What I found was all the other stuff I had been dealing with before hadn't gone away, but just had been buried underneath the bigger, badder emotions. All the day to day junk was back, in a big way. I'm not sure how to get a handle on things. The stresses of life just feel to big.

Somehow I never thought life was going to be this hard. I thought life would be mostly smooth with a few bumps and mountains, really it is rather opposite. You know the picture you have in your head as your growing up of what you want your life to look like? I think I'm in the process of grieving mine. I never thought I had grandiose ambitions, first would come the career, then the husband, then the house, then when everything was settled nicely we would add the family. We would never have to worry about where the grocery money would come from, or whether the rent check would bounce. Life would be good, happy, smiley. Nobody you cared about would be sick, hurt, or die. The cars would always run and my house would always be clean. Of course I knew life couldn't always be happy, but I didn't REALLY know, you know what I mean?

I realize that of course this isn't a possibility for the majority of the population but somehow it's ingrained in me and I feel like a failure because I couldn't achieve it. I did things all wrong. Career? What's that? Dream house??(this is a house I pass almost daily and now drive by and lovingly say "oh look MY house is still for sale") It's quite nice but half a million???? Yeah right we can't even afford a trailer.

I don't want to sound ungrateful here, I have a wonderful husband and daughter and many people surrounding me who really care, and I can't express how much gratitude I have for them. I know we won't starve or be homeless. I guess I have to work on my contentedness. Try to be happy where I am.

So here's where I'm at. Our expenses exceed our income. On months where nothing extra comes up, we make it, but realistically when does that ever happen? Things like eye exams, dentist visits, van repairs are still waiting patiently on the "to do" list. We have had so many things going on lately it's crazy. It's a blessing this month that Rod has 3 paychecks or we would have had MAJOR trouble, end of the month is still going to be hard. Watching Andrew has also been a blessing as that income pays our grocery bills. My thoughts move ahead to the fall when I'll probably lose Andrew. I need to bring in some money somehow. Do I try to find more child care? Do I try to find a part time job and someone to watch Payton for a reasonable amount? Do I try a home based business? I get so emotional just thinking about it. We want to have another baby before to long, is that going to work? Are we crazy? I keep going to back to the desires of my heart, what would I love to do? My photography, but is that feasible in reality? It would be an investment to get the proper equiptment, something we just don't have. And if we did, would it be something I could manage? The income wouldn't be steady......and it would take time to get off the ground as I would need practice as well.

Dealing with our stuff is one thing but we are also dealing with the stuff of someone else's(it's a whole other LONG story). I get so stressed sometimes with dealing with this person. It is one of the only controversies in our marriage and I hate that. I asked that it be taken care of more than 5 years ago and somehow it's still an issue.

Anyways I've already said more than I planned to. Why did I tell all you out there about this? I'm not sure really. I think for prayer. We need direction, I get the feeling we are on the brink of some changes and I'm just not sure what they are going to be, what they should be. Should I be going back to work? Should Rod be looking for a different job, something that appreciates and pays him more? Maybe something closer to home so the commute would be less? Or should we be looking at moving somewhere that will offer him more? Right now I am willing to go where we need to. When is the right time to have another baby, ever? We also need closure with certain things. Also for guidance with making decisions, with making what we have stretch to cover our needs. I would also like to ask for prayer for emotional stability, I don't deal well with stress and uncertainty I go into overwhelm and shut down very easily and that isn't healthy for any of us.

Now that I've written this I'm not sure if I feel better for sharing, for letting it out, or worried about laying some of my crap on the table.....

Another wasted day

I've been so looking forward to this weekend. The first one in forever that hasn't been packed full. Looking forward to spending some time with my family, looking forward to getting some much needed stuff done. And guess what? Both Payton and I aren't feeling well, fever, achy, nauseous, BLAH!! Well at least we haven't actually thrown up....

Got these on an email, they made me laugh out loud, thought I'd share.

THE MOMMY TEST
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter.

She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

"Why?" my daughter asked. "Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"

"Uh," I was thinking quickly, "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy." "Exactly", I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.

When you're finished laughing, send this to a Mom (or a Dad!).


****

"Dear Lord," the preacher began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."

He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother

and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"

Church was pretty much over at that point...

A good read

I've really been enjoying a couple sites lately.

Very funny site about raising kids
One womans journey through pregnancy and miscarriage.
-She had 4 miscarriages and is currently 34 weeks!!

It's a little late but.....

CONGRATS TO KAYLYN AND SHAYNE(and Brayden too!!) On their marriage!




I'm SO happy for you guys!! The wedding was fantastic and everybody looked so great!! Love you guys!!

This and That

I've been wondering today who I really am. Me in the most precious most secret parts of me. The ones I don't share with anyone. What is it that makes me tick?

I feel lost, like I've lost who I am. I'm wife, mother, friend, child of God, but what does that really mean. They are titles, ways that describe who I am in reference to others. I am someone's wife, someone's mother, someone's friend. While these things are integral to my life and very important what does that really tell someone about me? What does that tell me about me?

If I were to stand alone what would be left? If I were to disappear what would be missed? Is what is there what I want to find? I think an overhaul is in order, inside out, things could get interesting.

Just for kicks: Things I love(besides family, friends, and God)

In no particular order:

1. Chocolate
2. Dancing
3. Music (especially something that makes me want to move)
4. An intimate evening
5. A nice purse
6. Sunny, windy days
7. A good glass of wine(or a martini, my new found love)
8. Fuzzy socks
9. A new haircut
10. Photography
11. A good thunderstorm
12. Scrapbooking
13. Flip-flops
14. Coffee(with friends is even better)
15. Blue jeans
16. A hot bath
17. A good hug
18. Mail in my In-Box
19. Not having to do the dishes

I'm tired of being so negative and pessamistic, that's not what I want to portray. I think I'm going to take a break.

Where does your help come from?

Again I sit to write, write what's been swirling in my head for so long now, only to be at a loss for words as I sit here. My thoughts seem to get lost somewhere between my brain and my fingers. Or maybe they're filtered or blocked by the part of me that doesn't want to share.

I'm not doing horribly, I don't think so anyways. I've been in worse places before. I struggle with the sameness, the lack of movement in my life. I sit here waiting for things to get better while inside I'm shriveling. I'm living, breathing, moving forward, but am I? I feel stagnant, old, droopy, and tired. I know there's better out there for me, I have only to make the first step to get the ball rolling yet I feel frozen. I'm angry with myself for the hole I've let myself slide into. I've set up home here, decorated a little, added some new furniture, made it habitable, but it's still a hole. So here I sit and wait for someone to come pull me out. I want someone to rescue me. Look!! Look!! I'm feeling down, Look Look!! I'm hurting myself, Look!! Look!! I need help.

I so desperately need the God I've been working so hard to push away. I've developed "issues" with God, let them get way out of control. They've become unsolvable, questions there are no answers to. Topics I can't wrap my head around. My head has become like my house, so cluttered I don't know where to start. How can I start to weed out all the junk? What's my first step?

I've been told it's a journey, sounds reasonable enough, now I just need to open the door and take the first step. It's here that I freeze.



This popped into my head as I was writing. Thought I would share.


Psalm 121

'I lift up my eyes to the hills --
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip --
He who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, He who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD watches over you --
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

The LORD will keep you from all harm --
He will watch over your life;
the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forever more.

They're home

Misty and Cooper are home!! Read about her birth experiance here.

Wow!! You guys are parents!!

And baby makes three!!

Congrats to Misty and Phil!! I am so excited! He is so beautiful!

It's a boy!!

Congratulations to Misty and Phil on their new baby boy!

Cooper Luke Wishart arrived this morning at 6:??.(Phil wasn't to clear on that hehe), weighing
7lbs 7 ounces and 19.5inches long. I'll leave the rest of the story for Mom and Dad to tell/

Mom and baby are doing well!

I can't believe they're parents!! I'm so excited!! hehe!

Can't wait to meet you baby boy!

Just in case anyone was wondering

No, we're not doing a clean sweep today. There is just so much going on right now that adding one more big event would just cause stress. Crazy days.

That said, I do intend to still do one, maybe late May??

OK, I actually included the link now.

Can you tell a serial killer from a computer geek?

Find out here.

I got 6/10

So it's Sunday night, not even nine o'clock, which thanks to daylight savings is actually eight o'clock. And I'm exhausted. Wow. Cleaning just isn't going to happen.

When did I get old?

DARN IT!!!

I just remembered that it's daylight savings tonight. I'm going to loose an hour of sleep!!! And I'm still up!!!! That SUCKS!!

Off to bed I go.

Case in point

Rod doesn't know where he put his passport. He is leaving in the morning for Orlando. We are tearing this place apart looking for it. When you have stuff everywhere you have to look everywhere. The little bit of cleaning that had been accomplished today has been undone. If everything had a home, this wouldn't happen. ARGH!!

My mom didn't raise me like this, honest.

What's with that?

So I'm checking out my site meter(I love to see where people come from) when I notice something very very strange. Over 500 page views today!!! What the??? It has to be an error or some sort, but it's funny all the same!!

Maybe I'm just that interesting!! LOL!!!

HELP!!

My house is driving me nuts!! I'm so overwhelmed by the clutter that I get intimidated and don't do anything. I need a clean sweep and I think I'm finally desperate enough to ask for help.

HELP!!

If I figure out a day to overhaul, and find a sitter, is there anybody willing to help? I would love it to happen before the Duke Garage sale. But as that's the 22nd, I'm thinking that won't happen. Unless anybody is free on the 14th? That is Easter weekend though. Hmmm...... Even if we just got one room done?

I am slowly going crazy, oh heck, who am I kidding, I'm already there!

Rod posted the other pics for me but missed this one. As it is one of my fav's I am posting it now. Misty, You have such a cute belly! Thanks for letting me practice on you!!

YEAH!!

Finally!! We have internet again!! We were experiencing technical difficulties that were out of our control and finally we are back online!! I tell you, I went through some big withdrawal! I feel so out of the loop. Rod posted those pics from work.

Did I miss anything?

we finally got some Preggy pics of Misty

here is a couple of sample photos

Dance anyone?

So I have two tickets to the New Heights dance that I won't be using. I forgot to check my day planner before I bought them and wouldn't you know it? I have a very important person's birthday party that day!! This is why I should always check my planner BEFORE making decisions.

So if anyone decides between now and tomorrow night that they want to go I have tickets!

I refuse!!

I'm sitting here colouring with Payton when all of a sudden my throat hurts, by body aches, and I have a headache. What's with that? I just got over being a sicky, I refuse to get sick again!!!

Rod's bringing home drugs and to bed early with me!!

How come when my kid sleeps I don't?

5 Stages of Grief

5 Stages of Grief

Grief is a somewhat commplicated and misunderstood emotion. Yet, grief is something that, unfortunately, we must all experience at some time or other. We will all inevitably experience loss. Whether it is a loss through death, divorce or some other loss, the stages of grieving are the same.
There are five stages of grief. If we get stuck in one stage or the other, the process of grieving is not complete, and cannot be complete. Thus there will be no healing. A person MUST go through the five stages to be well again, to heal. Not everyone goes through the stages at the same time. Or in the same order. It is different for each person. You cannot force a person through the stages, they have to go at their own pace, and you may go one step forward then take two steps backward, but this is all part of the process, and individual to each person. But, as stressed, ALL five stages must be completed for healing to occur.

The five stages of grief are:
1-Denial-"this can't be happening to me", looking for the former spouse in familia places, or if it is death, setting the table for the person or acting as if they are still in living there. No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.

2-Anger-"why me?", feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with spouse of divorce, for death, anger at the deceased, blaming them for leaving.

3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.

4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal.

5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage. Realization that the person is gone (in death) that it is not their fault, they didn't leave you on purpose. (even in cases of suicide, often the deceased person, was not in their right frame of mind) Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward personal growth. Stay with fond memories of person.

Took this from Kristi's blog. Was thinking about the different stages a bit ago and what do you know??? There this was on Kristi's blog. Stupid stages.

Yeah!!

My blog was down for about 12 hours but is finally back up!! Yeah blogger for finally fixing the problem!! I felt naked without my blog up? What do you suppose that says??

And then I couldn't post anything for many more hours!!

Very fustrating. Not that I had anything important to say.

Would you look at that? She can sleep!!

Wow, I actually think I slept seven hours in a row last night, well it might have been six but I'm not complaining. It has been forever since I got that much sleep in a row.

Tues night she screamed for 40min before giving up and going to sleep. Then was up once at 11:30, I cuddled her for a couple minutes then put her back to bed and YES straight to sleep she went. Then she was up again at 4:30, but she didn't really cry just complained a bit then went back to sleep. She was up for good at 6:55 but because she had better night I was ok with that.

Last night she only cried for a min or two before going to sleep. Then was up awhile later but again only complained a min or two and put herself back to sleep. Then she was up at 11ish, Rod went to get her which she wasn't happy about, it's been all about mom lately. I gave her a bit of a cuddle, sang to her and put her back to bed. It looked like she was going to go to sleep but then she started coughing. Where did this cough come from? She had just recently stopped coughing from the last cold!! ARGH! I was upset, I can't let her cry if she's sick!! So after a few minutes of coughing followed by complaining we went and got her. Gave her some cough medicine and some warm water(but no formula, and she did drink some) and another cuddle, raised the head of her mattress slightly and put her back to bed, she went without a fuss and slept until 8!! Of course when I woke at 6:30ish and realized how long she had been sleeping I started wondering if she was ok!! I'm so used to her being up that when she isn't I get worried, so then of course I couldn't go back to sleep! I could have slept 8 hours! Imagine that!! I'm hesitant to say anything just because I don't want to jump the gun but it seems like she's starting to get the whole sleeping thing. Hopefully I won't be biting my tongue tonight!

Sleep, what a glorious thing!!

I would have never guessed

I went to the dentist this morning and I actually had a good time. And there was no sarcasm intended there!! The hygenist was really nice and we had a good conversation. Maybe I was just enjoying the adult conversation and need to get out more!!

After years of hating and dreading going to the dentist I am sort of in shock!!

I forget what I was going to say

Gee I wonder why.

A screaming 19 month old doesn't think it's bedtime, when in all reality it is way past bedtime. My poor sleep deprived brain has deducted that we(meaning one Daddy and I) have become weak about the whole sleep issue. Somewhere in the confusion that is a strong willed child, teething, and illnesses Payton has reverted. Bedtime issues that had been dealt with are once again raising their ugly heads, why you ask? Well it's quite simple really, because they can, because we have let Payton get back into the habit of if you call/cry/scream we will come, and she has started taking full advantage of that. I need sleep, I DESPERATELY need sleep. I will go clinically insane without a few hours in a row, soon. Rod is not here for conference but I think he would agree, it's time.

So,

She is not sick.
She is not hungry.
She is not afraid of the dark.
She wants to cuddle on the couch and pretend to drink a bottle.
She needs to sleep.

Repeat after me, I will not go rescue her, I will not go rescue her, I will not go rescue her.

Didn't I do this over a year ago?(insert profanity here) I think I need to go find something chocolate.....

Can't think of a title

I guess that's because I'm not sure what I'm going to write. I've been thinking a lot lately, again, still. I tend to over analyze things, figuring stuff out gives me a sense of security. It may be a false sense of security but it's something I cling to.

As I should be in bed I think I'm just going to jot down a few random thoughts to continue later.

Fears, specifically mine. I've found some hidden away under the surface.

Church today. Yes I went, and wouldn't you know it, Greg spoke on struggles. Moses, the Red Sea, standing on the beach, and finding your path. Hmmmm......

The stages of grief.

Self worth.

Moving on.

Maybe I should do a little mini series, The life and times of ME, or The search for reality, or I just hope you don't fall asleep, or I promise I won't sing.

Really, I won't sing.

I promise.

I hear it's supposed to snow

I started this many days ago, now I'm going to finish it so I can publish it.



Usually such an announcement would be received with much joy. This time when I heard it I wasn't excited. I've lost my snow excitement. I guess I should start at the beginning.

I grew up in Alberta, we moved to B.C. when I was 11. I miss the snow, well the Albertan snow anyways. Snow that sticks, that isn't wet, that's perfect for snowball fights and snowman building, that you can play in for hours without getting wet. But I'll take what I can get.

For years snow has also carried with it fond memories. It snowed minutes after Rod and started dating, it also snowed just after we got engaged. I always felt that the snow fell to help us celebrate, to congratulate us, that we had a kinship. Maybe that's a little strange but true none-the-less. I almost planned a winter wedding, just because I was sure it snow for us. That in the end is why I choose not to, I didn't want to have to worry about people traveling in the snow, nor did I want to have my outdoor wedding pictures snowed out.

It was a Monday afternoon when we learned that our baby didn't have a heartbeat, that it had stopped developing. We were and are completely devastated. Tues morning when Rod announced it was snowing I looked outside in total disbelief. It couldn't be, how could the snow that we both love, that has shared such sweet occasions with us be mocking us in our time of sorrow? I felt betrayed. How could the snow celebrate the loss of our child? I know that these were very strong feelings to have toward weather but they were very real. I feel like I've lost something else that I loved.

So we've had a couple of snowfalls since then, the negative feelings aren't as strong but the joy isn't there either. It's been tainted, snowfall, which used to make me completely giddy like a child is tinged with grown up sorrow. I guess it's just another thing that sucks about this whole situation, one of those unexpected side affects.

I guess I lied

Didn't elaborate. I will. There's a story coming. Again it will have to wait, I'm going to bed.

I'm having snow issues.

I'll elaborate tomorrow, right now I'm going to bed.

Thanks

The kids had just finished lunch and I was just sitting down to eat mine and write a quick blog when there was a knock on my door. Someone very special stopping by for a hug and to give me a potted rose plant. Something I could plant and keep with me, something whose beauty will remind me of what I've lost with joy rather than sadness. Exactly what I needed, my other blog has been saved as a draft to be finished at some future time.

I am so blessed, the people I have around me are amazing. I just have to learn to let them help, learn to let them support me. I must be radiating a need to be surrounded by beauty. I haven't been getting out much and when I do I haven't been captivated by the beauty that surrounds me. So instead it has been brought to me. 4 different times in the last few days someone has appeared at my door bearing beauty. 3 times with beautiful flowers and now with a beautiful Rose plant. Made me cry every time.

Thank you to everyone who has been holding me close while I try to work through this. The kind words, comments, emails, phone calls, prayers, and flowers are so wonderful. What would I do without you guys??

So now I just need to find the perfect pot for my roses.

Ever feel like you weren't grateful enough for what you had in your life, then it gets taken away and it feels like some sort of punishment. I'm not saying that everyone who've suffered losses were getting punished, I just feel like that for me. Somehow I don't measure up, so I'm not fit to receive anymore blessings. I'm doing something wrong, something deserving of punishment.

It surprises me how much guilt I feel, like it's my fault. Even if it isn't punishment, something about my body couldn't sustain this pregnancy. The first day we found out there wasn't a heartbeat I must have apologized to Rod half a dozen times, instinctively placing blame on me. I was sorry I couldn't have born him this child. I ran over my actions of the past weeks, looking for something, anything that I could do better next time. It's silly I know, but I'm not feigning rationality. I think if only I had been better with my vitamins, maybe it's because I'm over weight, if only I hadn't been so stressed. I read statistics that state a woman under stress is 3 times more likely to miscarry 3 TIMES!!

I know this and other things going an aren't my fault. I really do, it's just funny how easily I can accept the blame, the negative on me, but I refuse to believe anything good. How many times do I or anybody else have to say good, positive things to me before I will truly believe? It feels stupid that I don't even feel in control of my own brain.

I almost didn't post my blog on Sun. It felt really very private, even for me. I'm not one just to come out to someone and tell them I'm doing horrible, but somehow I can write it down. I try to watch what I post because I've got an increasing number of friends and family who check my blog for "the truth". It's not the anonymous thing it used to be, although it was never completely anonymous because my NH family was always there. On sun, I wrote for me, then felt a push to publish. I thought what the heck, this is my blog and this is where I'm at. I thought I would probably delete it after a while. The response has been overwhelming. Support, kind words, and prayer have been showered on me. I know now why I needed to post it, because I can't get support from the people who care about me if I won't let them in, if I won't let them know I need support. I don't like to sound needy, but maybe that's the truth for me right now.

Thanks to some friends I know that I'm not alone, that it's ok to be in this place, that it's ok to be vulnerable. Linda wrote this as a comment on Cari's blog, it really spoke to me.

"One of the hardest things is being a Christian in a secular world..harder still is being a Christian amongst other Christians. You feel you have to hide your feelings while inside you're falling to pieces."

For me, it's so true. I was trying to measure myself against other Christians. The shiny happy Christians I think I called them. Well, I'm definitely not that, actually I'm pretty messy. Why do we feel that we have to hide what's going on inside from the people that should be the most supportive? I know I have fear about being truthful, fear of rejection, fear of exposure, once it's out there you can't take it back.

Anyways I forget where I was going with this so I'll end it here, for this time anyways, I've been doing way to much thinking in the last couple of weeks. I'm trying to decide whether or not to go to the prayer meeting tonight at the office. I'm not sure I could handle that much intensity for that length of time, especially when it's been a struggle to pray lately. The reminder email about tonight called it the heartbeat of New Heights, just the reference to a heartbeat made me want to push tonight away. Apparently it's a touchy word for me.

Strange I know

I heard this song today and it really struck me, not about a boyfriend rather about God and Jesus. I guess I don't have a lot of faith in a father figure, or any male for that matter, I just don't think they will stick around. I wonder sometimes why(and if) God bothers with me. Why he doesn't give up when I throw tantrums and dig my heals in. I could so easily scream some of these verses word for word at God, and have. And the answer is always yes, YES, he is strong enough to carry you and always willing, if you'll let him. I'm just not there yet.

Strong enough

God I feel like hell tonight
The tears of rage I cannot fight
I'd be the last to help you understand

1-Are you strong enough to be my man..

Well, nothing's true, and nothing's right
So let me be alone tonight
'Cause you can't change the way I am
(rpt 1)

2-Lie to me, I promise I'll believe
Lie to me, but please don't leave

I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
Just try and love me if you can
(rpt 1, 1...)

3-When I've shown you
That I just don't care
When I'm throwing punches in the air
When I'm broken down and i can't stand

Are you strong enough to be my man..

(rpt , 3, 2)

Sheryl Crow

Payton posted a couple new pics here.

This song has been in my head for a couple days.

Tears in Heaven

Would you know my name
if I saw you in heaven?
Would you feel the same
if I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on
'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven...

Would you hold my hand
if I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
if I saw you in heaven?
I'll find my way through night and day
'Cause I know I just can't stay here in heaven...

Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees
Time can break your heart, have you begging please...

Beyond the door there's peace I'm sure
And I know there'll be no more tears in heaven...

Would you know my name
if I saw you in heaven?
Would you feel the same
if I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on
'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven...

Eric Clapton

And the cat came back....

We thought he was a goner but the cat came back.....5 whole days later!!

Who knows what he was up to but he JUST returned. And he's definitely lighter. He keeps meowing and running between me, Rod and the food dish!! To funny!

And he just woke the baby...DARN!! Guess she missed her "meow"!!

I thought I was doing ok, I was wrong.

Sometimes I wish I didn't believe. Life would be a lot simpler, I could accept things as happening for no reason. It was just one of those things, but I don't believe in things just happening. There is a plan, there is always a reason. God could fix all things if he wanted to. Why doesn't he want to? He gave us free will yes, but so many things don't come out of choices we make. Maybe I need to be reminded why I believe. Where has it gotten me? I see people with peace in the midst of struggle and I want that. Yet I struggle against it.

I'm at home, where should I be? Church, I'm a Christian, I believe in God, I should be worshiping. The truth? I don't want to. I don't feel like it. I'm beginning to think I'm not a very good person after all. Rod asked me why I didn't want to go, I told him I didn't feel like being fake today. I don't feel like worshipping so why go to the place of worship? I don't feel like pretending I'm ok today, so I'll stay in bed.

Yes, I lost a baby, I feel hurt, I feel pain, I feel loss, I feel grief, I feel sadness, I feel loneliness, I feel anger, I feel betrayal, I feel fear, I feel helpless, it feels hopeless. I can't truthfully blame all of my crap on the loss though. I was struggling before I was pregnant, the loss just gives me a reason to feel and amplifies all the emotion that was already present. It justifies my wanting to stay in bed. It gives a face to my struggle.

I look around, I talk to people, I read blogs. People are struggling, with many different things, yet they are stronger than me. I am weak. I put on a good show but inwardly I am a coward. I lash out, I blame, I yell, I scream, I lose myself in lack of faith. Why can't I allow myself to hang on? I curl up and hide, I just can't deal. What if everything that happens to me is my fault? Because God is the only one who truly can see in my head and I don't think he likes what he sees. What if he took my baby to lighten the load on me? He didn't think I could handle it. What if he was just being merciful. What if my baby didn't make it because I didn't pray enough? If I had been more faithful would he have given me the miracle I so desperately wanted?

Why can't I be one of those shiny happy people who just seem to get it? They don't waver in their faith. They struggle with dignity. Maybe it's reflective of who they are on the inside, maybe I'm rotting from the inside out. I worry I can't be a good enough wife to my husband, a good enough mother to my daughter, a good enough friend to the people I care about. Lately it's been all about me. Is this what life's about? Because it stinks.


I'm a mess. End of story. Please don't try to fix me, I just needed to get out some of the conflict going on in my head.

I would like to ask for prayer for Mandy. She is home sick with pneumonia

Has anyone seen this cat?

My cat is missing :(

We lost the baby. The Ultrasound showed no heartbeat and no development in the past week. So we opted to have the D&C while we where there. I got admitted and moved to daycare until it was my turn for surgery. I didn't get into surgery until about 5 and was in recovery until after 6:30. It was a long day and I'm glad it's almost over. I'm developing a migraine so that's it for now. I think I may take a bit of a break from blogging, I'm just worn out.

Thank you to everyone for your on going prayers and support. It has been so appreciated.

Update

Just copied and pasted the email I just wrote.

Just a quick note to let you know whats going on. Thank you so much for your continued prayer. Today I am going to Ridge meadows hospital to meet with the Dr. that my midwife works with. From my ultrasound report the Dr. and midwife both suggested going straight to a D&C. I got the midwife to read me the report and found not only did the baby not have a heartbeat but that either the yolk sac or gestational sac(I can't remember which) was abnormal in shape meaning it hadn't developed properly. I couldn't go ahead with the D&C without another ultrasound, just for my own peace of mind. So because the ultrasound appointments were booked solid they arranged for me to meet the Dr. in Maternity and do an ultrasound on the maternity departments machine. Depending on the results from that I will be doing a D&C as well today. They are concerned about waiting any longer as there can be health risks involved for me if we wait to long.

Fustration

Our appointment for today fell through. I don't exactly know what the problem was but I'm very agitated at the moment. I just can't believe it. They say now everything is booked, um, ok, why didn't you say that a week ago when we asked to be seen in a week??? ARGH!! When you say tues, it means tues right!!! I am going to call the Midwife and get something rolling here. I'll keep you updated.

FUSTRATED!!

The night before

Well, tomorrow is the day we have been waiting for. It's been a long long week. I've felt so helpless, just waiting. I've been trying to find God in all this, I have to admit I haven't had much success, but we've been praying, a lot. He just doesn't feel close.

I think regardless of the outcome I'm ready to deal with it. I'm so tired of waiting. Guess I don't have much for patience.

Praying, wishing, hoping, longing, crying for a heartbeat. Lord, please hear my cry!!

Let's start with a positive note, I had a really nice evening out fri and sat. Was starting to feel slightly human again. Today I came down with Payton's cold with a vengeance, no wonder she's been miserable.

Dad was in the hospital again. Last week for 4 days. He didn't tell me as he didn't want me at the hospital. There were infectious disease controls going on, it was probably for the better, last week I don't think I would have handled it very well. Do you remember me saying I didn't think he should be going home so soon? I was right. When he went back to the hospital days after they released him from Langly they still found morphine and valium in his system. Essentially when they released him he was very very drugged. When he added some alcohol to the mix(to escape the detox) his system didn't handle it well. They cleaned him out very thoroughly this time. Also I was concerned about his mental state this time, he was hostile, and delusional. His Dr, got a specialist to see him and they ran some tests and found he has some swelling on one part of his brain. They are going to drill a hole in his head to release the pressure, nice hey.

Anyways between this, everything else, and now having Payton's cold, I'm feeling pretty crappy. I keep thinking that this isn't real, it's all a morbid daydream that I just need to snap out of.

So I feel a little calmer today. Not so angry, but it comes and goes. I've grabbed ahold of a wait and see mentality and am trying not to stress prematurely, as much as I can help anyways.

Nights have been hard, sleep has been scarce. We are all tired around here. Rod is home today!! YEAH!! I haven't seen him to much this week. I hope Payton is feeling better soon and will decide again that her bed is a good friendly place to sleep. Our bed may be queen sized but with the 3 of us it's just full.

It looks like we will be going in to see the Dr. on Tues. I believe that will include an ultrasound. Then we will go from there.

I thought I had more to say, apparently not. I'll keep everyone updated.

This week sucks.

I can't wait till it's over. There is a good chance though that next week will suck too. (((Sigh))) Payton was up most of last night coughing, congested, and with a fever. She finally landed in bed with me which is where she stayed until this morning. When Payton woke me I opened my eyes only to discover spots, yup, a migraine coming on. Rod had gotten home at 3am(ish) but got up with Payton so I could try to sleep it off, which is really the only thing that helps. A couple of hours later and I'm improved enough to get up and let Rod go back to bed. ARGH!! What a stinking morning!!

I need to shower, I need to clean, I need to do laundry. I have no motivation. What I really want to do is go to bed and stay there. Unfortunately my life is not conducive to laying about. Shoot.

Hear my cry O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth, I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint.... Psalm 61:1-2(NIV)

Just needed to vent

So I'm up. I should be sleeping, I'm exhausted, mentally and physically drained. Rod's working a few night shifts this week, which is great because he's here to help during the day. But now, when it's dark and quiet I wish he was home. I guess you really can't have your cake and eat it too.

I feel lost, it's the not knowing. I don't know if I should be grieving or rejoicing, hoping or bracing myself. The reality is a little bit of everything is going on creating one of the biggest messes of a brain I've ever witnessed. I pray, but I can't seem to form the words, I cry and hope that God understands. I hope he can see through the blame and the fear that I've been lashing out at him. People say that some day I'll understand that everything has a reason that it's all Gods plan. And although the little bit of rationality I have remaining wants to believe this the rest of me just doesn't care. I just want to hold my baby.

Does it sound like I've given up hope? Nope, I can't, it's not in me to let go. Not yet at least. But hoping hurts so bad. I've tried to convince myself that it's over, that this baby is no longer living so that if we get bad news I'm prepared. But I can't put out the spark, that little ray of hope shines on. My baby is saying don't give up on me yet, and I won't. Mistakes can be made and miracles do happen. So I plod along moment by moment, put on a brave face and go about my day as so many have done before me. It just stinks that's all.

Update

No real news for you. We decided to wait a week before getting another Ultrasound. If they found no heartbeat again I just wouldn't be ready to make any decisions yet. If there is no change after a week I will be more reassured that nothing is going to change. I know that I shouldn't hang on to hope, as they were very thorough at my appointment and there was very clearly no heartbeat but I can't help myself. Emotionally I can't help but feel a little "what if?" hope. Most information I have found is not good for us, but I have read one story and talked with another person who both had no heartbeat with Ultrasound at a later date than me then went on to have one a week or two later. I know rationally it's very unlikely but as I do believe in miracles I am waiting and praying. Rod talked to the OB-GYN this morning, I didn't feel up to it. He understands us wanting to wait a week and I am supposed to call him to set up an appointment I just can't bring myself to do it.

I can't believe how many people have been through this, I thank you all for your support. I'm sorry I have been avoiding phone calls I just haven't been up to talking. I know I will have to eventually, just not yet. Thanks again.

Sad News

I had my Ultrasound. The baby measured 9 weeks but had no heartbeat. By then there should be one easily seen. I am destroyed.

Rod's boss has set us up an appointment with his brother who happens to be an OB-GYN apparently one of the best in B.C, for tomorrow. We will have another Ultrasound, just for confirmation, and to discuss our options if it is in fact(which is probable) that we've lost the baby.

Please Pray.

Here we go

The hospital called and I have an Ultrasound at 1:00!!

I'm so excited!! and a little nervous!!

And I thought I was tired last time!

It's been awhile since I've posted, and even longer since I posted anything of substance. And for a change it's not because I haven't had anything to say rather I've had to much to say. I'm not sure if that makes any sense but it does to me.

By now I'm guessing everybody knows we're expecting!!! If not, you do now!!! We are due in Sept sometime. I'm actually "on call" for a dating ultrasound because my cycles are so irregular my midwife wants to have a better idea of how far along I am so they know(sort of) when to expect things. I am so excited!! I didn't expect to have an early ultrasound this time because everything has been going fine. With Payton I had an early us because of cramping and bleeding, as scary as that was I was glad to be able to see that everything was progressing normally. I am a little nervous though that everything won't be fine because this pregnancy has been so different than the last one. But from what I hear that's normal. Variations of normal, very confusing.

I've been a bit of a basket case recently, I guess the combination of everything that has been going on and pregnancy hormone hasn't been agreeing with me. Tired, emotional, stressed, overwhelmed, worried, the list goes on. I was looking at myself in the mirror this morning and thought, girl, you look exactly like you feel. It wasn't pretty. I look so worn out and old. My energy level continues to drop and the number of things that need doing continues to rise. I can't believe the state of my house, and yet, what did I do today? Spent most of the day in bed!! Wow, listen to me whine!! I think I'll stop complaining and go clean my kitchen!!

Update

Our computer(well not ours but the one we've been using) is not working again. It's been out of commision for a couple days. So if I havn't been emailing it's because I've had to sneak on someone elses's computer to check email ect, and havn't been able to find much time to do that.

I wanted to thank everyone who has been praying for me and my dad. He's home now and doing much better. He really gave me a scare this time because his mental state was really weird. The Dr. said that over time of continuous abuse that your brain can't take as much abuse anymore and that mental instability becomes much worse. This is new for Dad and scares me. I hope and pray so desperately that he will be able to beat this and continue to be around more many years. Thanks again for everyone's support. Sat night and sun were very stressful and I could feel your prayers and they helped me get through.

I hope everyone is having a wonderful valentines day. I had some beautiful flowers delivered from my sweetheart today!! Lucky me!!

Prayer request

Could everybody please pray for my dad(and me). He's in the hospital again due to a relapse, I'm going to see him in the morning. Thanks!

Payton forecasts the future.

Check out Payton's blog.

I'm so excited!!

My baby told me she loved me today!!! Made me cry!!

Armed and ready( a sleep update)

After the previous nights sleep I went into bedtime last night, armed and ready, this was war(yeah I guess I'm a little possessive about the little sleep I do usually get). Before bed I gave Payton some decongestant, raised the head of her mattress a little, and put the humidifier(with vicks) on in her room. She still had a hard time settling but once she was down the night went MUCH better. Thank goodness!! I got a six hour stint!! YES YES YES!!

Thanks to all of you who were thinking and praying for us, keep it up!! It helped!!

So did you miss me?

You probably didn't even notice I was gone considering I haven't been posting much lately!! We had no computer for 2 days. It felt so weird not being able to check my email and check up on all you fellow bloggers. Rod fixed us up last night and it looks like everything is running smoothly.

Payton has a cold and it's been making her miserable!! Even worse than that is it's keeping her from sleeping. She's congested and coughing, she must have been up every 30min last night, eventually Rod just plunked her in bed with us out of pure desperation and an attempt to get more than 30min in a row. Then she woke up when he got up and refused to go back down so we've been up since 6:30. Needless to say I am exhausted!! Remember life before kids? When 6-8hrs sleep in a row was a SHORT nights sleep!! My goodness how times have changed!! So when Payton goes down for her nap(or should I say if), my debate is should I sneak some more sleep or have a shower....decisions decisions.....

Highlight of my day

Having a bath with my kid. We spent 45min filling and emptying buckets of various sizes. I got a "tank-you" every time I helped her fill one of hers. Loved it!!

I've been experiencing a lag, a lack of motivation to blog. Nothing major wrong, just been the same old stuff. Doing ok, just happy to sit in the background and read for a bit. I'm sure it won't last to long, it never does!!

What's with that?

Someone mentioned to me today that all the blogs had seemed very down lately. I stopped and thought about that and it's true, mine too. I think a lot of us are struggling right now and use their blogs as an outlet, I know I do. But how come when I have a good day, moment, or thought I don't feel compelled to write but if I'm having a bad day I feel the need to vent? I'm not saying there is anything wrong with venting but I personally need to find a balance. My life certainly isn't all bad, it's not even close to being bad. Somethings are hard yes but there are so many good things as well. I certainly don't want to give the woe-is-me impression all the time...YUCK!!

Have I become so accustomed to the good things I have in my life that I take them for granted. The very thought horrifies me. I think I need to re-program some optimism and thankfulness back into myself. I love to laugh and have a good time, why doesn't my writing imply that? I don't feel my personality comes across well, reading back over some of the other stuff I wrote I find myself thinking do I even have a sense of humor anymore? Maybe I really am in trouble!! LOL!! Am I letting people in? Sometimes I think I get to personal, divulge to much about myself when in actual reality I'm being very selective about what goes out there. You get a crumb not a cake. Maybe I really do need to clean out my fridge!!(quoting Cari) ...or at least open it up and let it air!!

My daughter and Andrew are in Payton's room, having a dance in the dark with flashlights. And of course the door MUST be closed!! There's a whole lotta giggling going on!!

It's really very cute...but....when do I start to worry about such things???

Tis the season

Well, I've been sick. YUCK!! I hate being sick. I have that really nasty cold that's been going around. Today is the first day in forever that I feel halfway normal. Still tired, and have my cough, but so much better than I was. YEAH!! So now I've got to take care of myself so it doesn't sneak back!

And clean my house, which seems mysteriously to get messy when I'm out of commission....I wonder how that happens??

As much as I always look forward to weekends, they always seem to be a let down. I think it's my fault in that I build them up, expect to much from them. Then when another weekend is gone without meeting my expectations I always feel bad, mostly mad about myself for not utilizing the time I had more efficiently. I need to let it go and just enjoy the time I have, time with my husband, time with my daughter, time away from home, just enjoy the break not put to many expectations on it. I do that though, have high expectations, for everything. It seems to be my undoing so often. I build things up only to crash when they crumble. The good news is I've been working on it, maybe not lowering my expectations per say, but making sure I don't have unrealistic expectations.

Overall it seems to make me a happier person, and that's what I want. To be more content where I'm at. Am I where I thought I'd be by 26? Nope, is that ok? Most of the time(can't say yes, that wouldn't be completely true). The truth is I'm not where I thought I'd be but I also have so much more that I wanted. There is a much bigger world out there, much more important things than having the dream career, a big house, and money to spare. I've met many well off people, they weren't any happier than we were, some were downright miserable. We have so much more under our little, cluttered two bedroom suite than many people have in mansions. We have family, we have love, and we have God. What else is important? I'm sure the other things will come with time, but maybe they won't and I can't let myself be wrapped up in material things.

I am thankful for what I have.
-I am thankful for a wonderful husband(who let me sleep in this morning because I'm not feeling well even though he's tired too).
-I'm thankful for a beautiful rambunctious daughter who constantly reminds me what lives all about.
-I'm thankful for family who loves us and watches over us.
- I'm thankful for friends who are more like family, with whom I can share with and feel safe doing so.
-I'm thankful Rod has a job.
-I'm thankful to be able to stay home with my daughter.
-I'm thankful for landlords who are friends and care about us, not the money.
-I'm thankful for our health.
-I'm thankful for a God who loves us no matter what and will always take care of us.

I'm thankful for my life.

Payton,

Mama is tired. She has being really relaxed about making you sleep through the night. She can't stand the thought of not going to you when you cry at night, wondering why isn't my mama coming? She can handle getting up once at night to sooth you and cuddle you, you are growing so fast she doesn't want to miss a moment. She doesn't know if you've got more teeth coming, aren't feeling well, or are just taking advantage of her softness but you can't keep getting up 6 times a night. She will reach a breaking point and will be forced into a decision you won't like. A tired and sick Mama can't handle that many night time interruptions for very long. You are turning into a big girl and are perfectly capable of sleeping through the night, we know as you have done it before. So please PLEASE give your Mama a break and let her get some rest. She loves you very much and doesn't want to be forced into anything drastic!!

A very loving Mama

Trust and Pray

It has been mentioned to me that I should blog. I guess I forget that some people check up with me on my blog and like to be kept up to date!! Apparently if I go to long without blogging people worry(you know who you are!!). It's nice to be loved!!

Everything is moving along, there has been some resolution to problems and stresses, and others we are still waiting and praying about. I have no idea what this year is going to hold but I hope I can hang onto God's desires for us instead of mine.

I realized yesterday that my "baby" is almost a year and a half!! That's insane, it feels like just yesterday that we had her 1st birthday. I feel sad when I think that she's never going to be this little again, but so glad that I've been able to stay home so far and enjoy the time I have. I need to remember sometimes the reason we are struggling so much financially was a choice. We felt that God wanted me to stay home and be wife and mother, that this was my new permanent job. What better job could you ask for? We feel that if we can pull it off it is the best thing for our family. I have to trust that if this is where God wants me he will provide.

Trust and pray, trust and pray, trust and pray.

I knew my kid would be a computer geek......

Check it out, Payton started a blog!!

Does anyone know how(or if) her site can have a seperate profile?

I'm done. Yup, it's what 4 days into 2006? And I've had enough.

I don't want to spend alot of time complaining about my life as there are so many good things in my life that to complain would belittle that. At the same time there are some aspects that are stressful, but as anyone knows life comes with stress, it's a package deal.

And there are some things that drive me absolutly insane. Some of it we've let happen, we should have known better, but had a desire to help. Some of it hasn't anything to do with us except through relation, but is very much a part of our life right now through association. Some of it affects us directly and is adding weight brick by brick to my shoulders, and to my mental health. We have enough problems of our own to be worrying about someone else's crap.

I'm worried this will start causing strain on our marriage, and cause me to be less availiable to my kid. What I really want to do is hide, no that's not quite it, the desire is to run. Go away somewhere where I can figure out my own crap and let the other stuff settle itself out in my absence. It's not possible I know, I am far to responsible for that, but oh wouldn't it be nice??

So I guess I did complain, blah blah blah. Just needed a vent, an outlet. Now the decision is to post or not to post.

Organization or should I say disorganization?

I'm not organized by nature, but I think I can learn. I think if I can get somewhat organized it may help me from going insane. Maybe not, but it's worth a try. So what I need is help, and although I'm sure there is many areas I could use advice in, let's stick to hints on making your life organized and keeping it that way. Any ideas?? What help makes your day run smoothly? How do you manage to fit everything into a day? How about organizing a small space? Or children's spaces(toys ect)? What has helped those other disorganized people out there?

It's a New Year.

Somehow I lack the motivation to get excited by starting a new year. I spent the minutes leading up to the countdown to 2006 folding laundry. Exciting I know, I was equally as enthralled. I was pondering what that could mean about the coming year? Is it to be The Year of the Laundry? The year that I stick my head out of the piles of laundry and housework only when I can't breath anymore. The year that I feel neck deep in sticky fingers, and temper tantrums. The year that I lose myself completely in trying to make everything work out.

I'm sure that will be part of it, it is after all an inevitable part of having kids. And some how there is still a desire to have another, so I guess it can't be that bad. I've been spending a lot of time pondering last year and looking at what I want to happen in 2006. Trying to find my enthusiasm for tackling the next year. I want to make the most of it, regardless of what gets thrown at me. I need to find my faith. I think once I can coax it out of the dark corner that it's taken refuge in everything will become clearer.

Anyways, I should go. My "other" kid, the one who takes residence on my couch isn't going to sleep as long as I'm here typing away. She says she isn't tired, I bet I hear a different story when I try to get her up in the morning.....