I think my head would explode

I ended up watching Holly again today. It went not to bad but I swear if I had heard "Chel, look at me" one more time.....

To all Mom's

What are your experiences with teething?? Payton started feeling not herself Weds. I thought she had a bit of a cold until someone said that sometimes when they are teething they show slight cold symptoms. So I've watching her closely but I'm still not sure. She's grumpy and irritable, cuddly, and not as active as usual. She's been refusing her solids for 3 days now(she has never done that since starting solids) but will take liquids. She's been eating less at a time but more frequently. She has been grabbing at her mouth like it's sore and chewing on her fingers, but her nose is congested like a cold?? I just don't know what is normal for teething?? If it is teething how long does this last?? She is going to drive me nuts!!

Confessions

I have a confession to make, I've been watching Desperate Housewives. And I like it. What have I done????

What am I missing?

Anybody else feeling down lately?? I know many people are currently going through, or recently have been through some tough times. Comparatively speaking my problems are small and few, yet I've been healing heavy lately. I feel like I've been getting closer to God, really trying to lean on him. I've been reaching out more, letting go of past issues, really working at strengthening my faith. I should be feeling strong, convicted, whole. Yet I feel as if I'm gaining burdens not losing them. I'm baffled, and it's not as if I could tell you what's wrong because it's not any one thing. It's a feeling, a weight, a sadness that keeps following me around. I'm getting fustrated, maybe I'm not listening, maybe I'm just tired. Why does life feel so complicated??

Prayer Request

Misty was having some really bad head pains last night, they are sending her for a CAT scan this morning. If that doesn't show anything they are going to do a spinal tap. Prayer would be much appreciated. Thanks!!

Kids

Today we have Holly and Andrew. It's a busy day, gives me a bit of a glimpse what it could be like to have 3 kids. Rod took them on a walk to find the creek behind our house, when they got back Andrew came up to me and said excitedly "guess what? We found nature!!!" It was so cute!!

5:00

We made Easter baskets out of rice krispies and filled them with Easter candy, it was so much fun. Andrew first makes one for Mom, then Caleb, then Mikail, then Becka. I then asked him if he was going to make one for himself, "oh yeah" he said. He had forgotten, totally disproves the saying that kids are completely self centered. Kids are(can be) sooooo cute!!!

Carolyn: We had fun and Andrew is welcome back anytime!!

Psalm 42:11

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

Like taking candy from a baby..

I bought some Easter candy on the weekend to do an Easter project with all kids around here. I can't stop eating it, apparently I have no shame....

AHHHHH!!!!!!

There is a documentary on CBC about teenage sexuality and it is FREAKING ME OUT. I know I'm jumping the gun but it hasn't been THAT long since I was in high school and oh my gosh things have changed, imagine what it could be like in12 years. AHHHHHHHHH!!!

Family

I've been thinking a lot lately about family. Family to many consists of relatives, these are the people in your life you are bound to by genetics. You can't choose your relatives, you are born with them. I have been blessed with a wonderful "family" whom I love dearly, they aren't perfect but who is? Then there is the family you marry into. Many will say you aren't marrying his family, just him. Don't be fooled, for better or for worse you now have In-Laws. Then there are friends, and contrary to relatives you can choose these. Friends are vital, true friends will stick by you not out of obligation but out of choice. To me, my friends are family. Then extending past friends are my church family, many of my church family are also close friends but it extends farther than that. There are many people whom I don't know well but still feel a closeness and support from. I know if I need anything they wouldn't hesitate even though they didn't really know me. I hope they know that it would be the same way in return.

I used to think I had a small family, I realize now that I have a small number of relatives and a huge family. It's overwhelming really, I am by nature a quiet reserved person who does not put herself on the line. Blogging is a huge step for me as it lets others know how I am feeling. I have been taking steps lately to let others in and accept support. I used to feel like a failure if I asked for help because that meant I couldn't handle it. Now I'm slowly realizing that I'm only human. God did not create me to take on life on my own. I'm learning to let God carry some of my burdens, and help me heal. I'm trying to see myself through his eyes and accept myself as worthy of love, acceptance, and friendship. Why is the basic truth so hard to accept??

What would we do without family?

Feeling small

So after three absolutely horrible nights, with Payton being up and up and up and up, we have decided there is nothing wrong with her and we should not let bad habits form. So tonight when she woke up after a "nap" I went in told her it was still bedtime and left. She's been crying for about 30min now and I'm feeling about 2 feet tall. If you asked her at this very moment she would probably say we were the worst parents in the whole world. Now before everyone comments to tell me that's not true, I know it's not I'm just feeling down about letting her cry that's all. I thought we had been through this but I guess there's always something with kids isn't there?? I don't think I will ever gets used to letting her cry, I hate it.

I am slowly going crazy 123456 switch

crazy going slowly am I 654321 switch

It's what time??? Nasty

My sweet(????) baby will not sleep, we are up again(or is it still), we haven't had a night like this since she was brand new. What is going on?? Teething? Cold? Upset tummy? Growth spurt ? Whatever it is, it is the destroyer of sleep and we are going to be a cranky trio tomorrow!!

OH NO, I HEAR SQUEALING, NOW SHE THINKS IT'S PLAY TIME!

*Yawn*Sigh*Yawn*

How Petty

I had something deep and meaningful in mind to write when I logged on but now all I can think about is how my eyebrows are driving me crazy!!!! I've been meaning to get them done(waxing, threading...ANYTHING) but just haven't gotten to it.

And on another note have you ever noticed that when there is something that you do(for me it's eating excess amounts of junk food) that makes you really annoyed with yourself. The more annoyed you get the more you feel bad about yourself, then instead of stopping what your doing, yup, you do it more. It's a vicious circle.

Another thing, why do designers figure that if you have wide shoulders and big hips you also will have a large chest. I feel that it is rather unfortunate that a woman of my height was not blessed with matching chest. If it fits in the shoulders and hips it sags up top ect ect ect. I tell you it doesn't do much for ones self esteem. No wonder I love shoes, I don't end up crying when I go shoe shopping!!! Don't even get me started on swim suits, I am already starting to dread the coming heat....

Grump

Grump Grump Grump Grump, Complain Complain Complain Complain. Geez I'm in a good mood today. I think I need some happy pills. Good thing it's Friday.

Not to sound crazy but.....

Would the voices in my head please be SHUT UP. Thanx. No seriously I remember a show, I can't remember the name(Melvin's head maybe????), where a group of people were living in this poor guys head always arguing about what he should do. That's what I feel like lately. I have posted previously about having an evil twin who shows up once in awhile but lately it's like she's been cloning herself. It's a full born blowout in there sometimes, in there somewhere is my Godly self who is trying amongst the noise to listen to God and report back to me. She has been rather unsuccessful lately. I guess the negative, mean, vindictive, evil selfs are louder. I've really got to learn to SCREAM.

This really stinking hurts

I woke up this morning with a migraine *YOWZA*


4:00
UPDATE:

Thanks to drugs my migraine is gone(mostly). What would I do without T3's?

Isn't it ironic that the things in your life that bring you the most joy can also bring you the most sorrow.

Childlike Faith

I remember when I was a little girl always having the feeling that someone was watching me. Not in a horror movie kind of way rather that someone was watching over me, making sure I was always ok. Then one day I was watching tv early one Sunday morning, we only had 2 channels so I ended up watching one of those televangelist church services(I must have been really bored!!). So the speaker was going on about something when all of a sudden he caught my attention, he started talking about God and how he was always watching over us, always there, how we could always rely on him. Something clicked in my head, I suddenly knew that it had to be God that was watching over me, taking caring care of me. The speaker then started talking about Jesus and how he came to earth to die for our sins and if we believed this we should give our life to him. In a childish manner I decided that if God was taking care of me I should do what the speaker was saying. So the next thing I knew I was down on my knees repeating after the speaker. I accepted Jesus into my heart simply because I KNEW he was there taking care of me. After that I simply got up and went on with my life, not really knowing what I had done, and forgetting about it until a few years ago. I had such a childlike faith, it's amazing that at such a young age I felt the presence of God in my life. There were no questions asked just pure faith. If only we could all experience that in our lives as adults. I think there would be more people at peace.

Pampered Chef

Just a reminder to my blogging community about my Pampered Chef party on Sun at 1:30. It is Kaylyns first show!! Hope to see you there, my phone number and address is in the church directory if anyone needs it. There will be food....and chocolate.....(shameless bribery)

AAARRGGHHHH!!!!

I can't comment and it's driving me insane!!! STUPID Blogger!!!

On the inside

So I've been thinking a lot lately(I know....that's dangerous) about who I am and who God wants me to be. Honestly I have no idea, on both accounts. Who am I?? Stripped of my good looks and wit, stripped of the titles and the stuff, what is left?? Who would I be without my friends and without my family(besides lonely). Is there a me under there?? What does God see?? All I see is daughter, wife, mother and friend. You could say I was nice, or awful, but that's still not me that's actions I make. What is it about me that God loves so much?? I wish I could see what he sees then maybe I would understand grace, maybe I would understand sacrificing your own son, maybe I would understand this unfailing, unwavering love. Which brings me to what does God want me to be. Yes I know the Bible tells us how we should try to act, but I'm talking about me specifically. What does he want me to accomplish, where does he want me to be, what does he want me to be doing?? I'm so unsure. I've felt a heaviness lately like he's trying to tell me something and I just don't get it. What are you trying to prepare me for?? I feel a tugging, a gentle calling but it's like he's speaking in sign language and I'm blind, I just can't see!! I'm scared Lord because I know your going to pull me out of my teeny tiny comfort zone, but I will follow you Lord if only I knew where you were going!!

C.H.A.O.S

Yesterday I had a break down(just a mini one). I was feeling pretty good after my long nap and decided to clean my kitchen. Now I don't proclaim to be the neatest person in the world but over the past week and a half my home had reached a state of C.H.A.O.S. Can't Have Anybody Over Syndrome. We have a small place and to much stuff, so any extra mess in the house drives me absolutely crazy. So when a friend called to see if she could stop by I lost it. I got absolutely hysterical, overwhelming feelings of failure and panic were washing over me. That's right when Rod walked through the door(poor guy), and Misty was dropping Payton off, I felt like a total failure as a wife, as a mother, as a person, in every way . I'm home all day and I can't even keep my house tidy, what good am I?? I got over it and we did a 30min power clean, which made me feel so much better. It's funny how we(I) place so much importance on outside appearances, that one thing could cause me to go from fine to meltdown in 10 secs. I guess I'll have to work on that...

Everybody should have a friend like this....

1:30
Misty just came and "stole" Payton to give me a break!! Guess I should whine more often!! HEHE
Just kidding, THANX MISS, everybody needs a friend like you. Love you!!

5:15
Went to have a nap at 2:30 didn't regain consciousness until after 5!!! Guess I really needed some sleep.

Thankfulness???

Just trying to put myself in a better mood...Repeating over and over

I am thankful for a very alert, active, rambunctious baby who loves me so much she never wants to be away from me!!!

Would you like some cheese with that whine??

So I'm going to do something I don't usually do, whine. I am feeling sorry for myself today. I'm still not over this stupid cold. I get all cranky and pathetic when I'm sick. I want some one to take care of me, or at the very least I want to stay in bed. Being sick and taking care of an infant is a whole new experience to me. She's feeling better(and that's part of the problem), she doesn't want to lay around and cuddle anymore and mom does!! What really made me fustrated this morning was she decided she was up at 5 again this morning. *argh*

Sharing

It seems as though Payton has learned to share. She gave me her cold. *Sigh* It could be another long week.

Quietness

So the blogger boards are very quiet tonight. I only wish it was a calm quiet. Today has been a very emotional day for so many of us. I have been through many emotions today and find I have now settled on acceptance. Acceptance that this is as it should be. I'm not overly fond of change, actually I down right hate it. Change makes me fearful, it means facing the unknown. Only when I stopped worrying and realized that God is still in control did I find my peace. I love my church and my church family but it is God's church and only he knows what is in store for us. I see him working amazing things in people lately and it excites me and I find myself facing the future with excitement. What lies ahead for us?? I don't know, but let's embrace it and continue on our journey with God without hesitation.

Isaiah 41:10
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Prayer

Could everyone please pray for Kaylyn. She is going for her CAT scan tomorrow. She's very worried and could use all the support/prayer she can get. Thanx

I hate mornings

So, I had another late night last night, I really must have it in for myself lately. I am soooo tired and although I cannot solely blame the baby it was one of those mornings where when Payton decided it was time to be up at 6 I asked Rod to remind me again why it was the people had kids. Am I ever going to feel rested again? *Yawn*

"To live your life you've got to lose it..."

Misty asked me yesterday who sang this song so I looked it up because I had forgotten. I put it on when I found it and as I was listening to the words I realized it was exactly what I needed, it spoke to me directly about what I've been going through, the burdens, the darkness, the feeling of being in last place. "To live your life you've got to lose it..." Very powerful...

Lavishly our lives are wasted
Humbleness is left untasted
You can't live your life to please yourself, yeah
That's a tip from my mistakes
Exactly what it doesn't take
To win you've got to come in last place
To live your life you've got to lose it
And all the losers get a crown

CHORUS:
I get down and He lifts me up
I get down and He lifts me up
I get down and He lifts me up
I get down

All I need's another day
Where I can't seem to get away
From the many things that drag me down
I'm sure you've had a day like me
Where nothing seems to set you free
From the burdens you can't carry all alone
In your weakness He is stronger
In your darkness He shines through
When you're crying He's your comfort
When you're all alone He's carrying you

CHORUS

This valley is so deep
I can barely see the sun
I cry out for mercy,
Lord You lift me up again

CHORUS

Audio Adrenaline, Get Down

Not a great start

So Payton just went down for her first nap of the day. Yes it's 7:30 and she's having a nap. You may say it's a little early for a nap. I agree, but she's been up for almost 3 hours so it's time and she's tired. When she woke up to eat at 4:45 she decided it was time to stay up. We tried to tell her it was still night time to no avail. So considering I didn't get to sleep until 12ish last night I'm thinking I'm in for a rough day. I will try to convince her to nap with mom later(it's the only way she sleeps longer than 30-40min). The joys of having children.....

Things I am thankful for

1. God loves me unconditionally
2. Grace
3. My husband
4. My daughter
5. My family
6. My friends
7. My church
8. My church family
9. My health
10. The health of those I love
11. I have a roof over my head
12. I have food to eat
13. Heaven
14. Prayer
15. My cat
16. Phil(thanx for fixing my car)
17. So many other things but I am going to bed!!

Sometimes when I am down I just have to remind myself of all the blessings in my life, then I start to feel better.

Aunty Mandy and Payton, what cutie pies!!

Funny Blog

I stumbled upon a blog about why we should ban children, well badly behaved ones anyways. It gave me a chuckle. Check it out here.

Competition

I've never been a competitive person as far as sports went, I always thought that it took the fun out of it. So why do I feel like I need to be competitive in life? I always come out of it feeling like a loser. It definitely takes the fun out of life, so I sit on the sidelines letting others clamor in competition. Only to find that it pisses me off to watch. Talk about hypocrite.

Is life ever easy?? How about easier???

My Baby

Payton isn't feeling all that well today. She's got a cough and stuffy nose. She wants to sleep, but only in Moms arms. I've tried putting her to bed many times this morning, but it's just not happening. I'm about to give up again and go cuddle my girl, my poor baby.

I Never.....

I found someone who had done this when I was blog surfing today, looked like fun

1. I never had a sibling until I got married
2. I've never snowboarded
3. I've never been to a drive in theatre
4. I've never broken a bone
5. I've never lived on my own
6. I've never been skydiving(and never plan to)
7. I've never owned matching furniture.
8. I never purchased any of my furniture new
9. I've never died my hair black
10. I've never had surgery
11. I've never liked speaking in public
12. I've never streaked
13. I've never had a c-section
14. I've never liked white chocolate
15. I've never watched The Passion of the Christ(even though we own it)
16. I've never been organized
17. I've never been able to sing(well)
18. I've never owned leather pants
19. I've never read Moby Dick
20. I've never made cookies without eating batter
21. I've never played ice hockey
22. I've never lived in an apartment
23. I've never driven a truck
24. I've never liked nuts or raisins in baking
25. I've never been the shortest one in my class
26. I never liked The Dark Crystal
27. I've never watched The Apprentice
28. I've never NOT liked reading
29. I've never worn my mom's shoes
30. I've never been on a missions trip(although I plan to, some day)
31. I never got rid of my Barbies and Cabbage Patch dolls
32. I've never gotten a speeding ticket
33. I've never liked banana's
34. I've never been on a cruiseship
35. I've never gone away to school
36. I've never got less than a c+ in school
37. I've never made pie
38. I've never changed a tire
39. I've never been to a chiropractor
40. I've never used a weedeater
41. I've never been to the East Coast
42. I've never been to the dump
43. I've never been unconscious(besides sleeping)
44. I've never been broken-up with
45. I've never been fired
46. I've never loved anyone like I love my daughter, husband and God
47. I've never been able to roll my tongue
48. I've never liked clowns or puppets
49. I've never been in a physical fight
50. I never thought this list would end...

That was a lot harder than I thought.....

Psalm 139 7-12

"Where can I go from your spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, "surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me", even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you."

This is part of a passage a friend sent me this week. It really spoke to me as I was fighting the urge to flee and hide. I figured there are many of us that can use the reminder that there is nowhere to go, nowhere that we can hide from God, we are only fooling ourselves!!

Coincidences

I don't believe in them. So tell me, what do you think of this.....

Wed and thurs I was going through some major inner turmoil, when I was a teenager and feeling down I would listen to Hurt(by nine inch nails of course). I wasn't surprised when the words started echoing endlessly through my head wed night. I had the words all ready to post on Fri but I posted My conversation with God first. After that I wasn't feeling as down and decided not to post the words for fear of really freaking people out about my state of mind. Imagine my surprise when I show up to Church and they sing Hurt, the exact thing that was on my brain this week. Weird?.......Definitely but what if anything does it mean???

Bambi

Yes I know Bambi is coming out on DVD, but I'm hesitating on buying it. Rod has been laughing at me, I'll give you one guess why. Bambi always makes me cry, yup the scene where his Mother dies. How is that a show for kids????

There was baby fellowship at church today

Family Photo

My conversation with God

I woke yesterday feeling exhausted and vulnerable. Trying so hard to ignore what was going on inside. I've lived with it this long, what's a few more days/months/years. I went out to "clear my head" only to find that it would have opposite of the desired effect. Once I had my head on straight again(by my reasoning),with everything shoved back down and hidden away again. Where I like it. I found a voice in my head, one that had been quietly waiting for me to listen. I guess God was getting tired of being ignored and turned the volume up a notch(or 10). Much to my annoyance he was not to be ignored or silenced. I had to go pick up Rod yesterday from work. Our car has been experiencing some technical difficulties lately so I was worried about the longer drive. Well we over heated twice on the way. Forcing me to stop and wait for the engine to cool down, Payton was sleeping in the backseat so I couldn't even get out of the car. Much to my chagrin this left me alone with my thoughts. As much as I'm still fighting, at least he's getting through now.......my conversation went something like this:

God: "Why do you carry such a burden?"

Me: "I don't consider it a burden, it's just part of me now"

God: "Can I carry some of it for you?"

Me: "Then it wouldn't be mine anymore"

God: "What's wrong with that?"

Me: "It's like giving up, admitting defeat"

God: "Because you couldn't handle it on your own?"

Me: "Yup"

God: "You aren't ment to handle this or any burden on your own, that's why I'm here, that's why I've put good people around you. To support you, help you, give you someone to lean on."

Me: "But I'll lose some of me"

God: "No, the burden will let lighter and lighter until it's no longer a burden but a joy, still there, just different."

Me: "I kinda like it here, close to me, always near."

God: "It's the love you should keep near, not the hurt"

Me: "What if I forget?"

God: "You will be more free to remember when you let go of the pain."

Me: "There's just so much, if I start to think about it I get overwhelmed"

God: "One step at a time"

Me: "It's like a floodgate has been opened and I can't swim"

God: "But I can"

Me: "It's just to much, it feels like everything just happened, I'll land myself where I did last time. I don't know if I'll have the strength to pull out again."

God: "I am here, get your strength through me. There are many around you who care, strength comes in numbers not in solitude."

Me: "I feel alone."

God: "Open your eyes."

Me: "I am angry."

God: "I know."

Me: "I can't."

God: "No more excuses."

Today

Pounding headache, emotionally and physically drained, brain freeze......numb.

Today sucked(there was a brief visit with a friend that kept today from being a total loss).

There was so much I was going to write but I can't seem to get my brain wrapped around the words. hmmmmmmm.........to be continued

Mom and Payton playing outside

Payton out in the sunshine

Hurt

I stepped out of my comfort zone tonight, unknowingly. It's a good thing I had no idea what I was getting myself into or I probably would have come up with some excuse as to why I had to stay home, I'm good at that. There were moments where it was all I could do to stay seated when all I wanted to do was run, where I don't know, just away. Old wounds that had never fully healed were ripped open and left to bleed. I know this is where you want me God, but why oh why does it have to hurt so much?

Aunty Misty and Payton having a nap

I found a very cool website

You can find out the popularity of a name over time on a graph. Just type in the name and it pops up, it's really fun!! You can see names that were popular in 1900-2003, and how it changes. It also gives you the rank of the 1000 top names.

Unfortunatly it's U.S. statistics but it still gives you a good idea of our name trends.

Click here to try it.

I had real grown up time!!

Twice this past weekend I was babyless, I know, I was excited too. Friday night Rod and I went to Sarah and Greg's wedding. It was really nice and I even got to dance with my husband!! Misty stayed with Payton(thank you thank you thank you) and Payton even went to bed easily for Misty. Sat I went out with a couple of friends, we had dinner at the Keg. It was SOOOOO good, and I got to eat my meal hot!!! Imagine that, it tastes so much better, I had forgotten!!

Shameless advertising

I am having a Pampered Chef party for a friend of mine who just started selling. If you've never heard of it, it's pretty neat kitchen stuff. I just wanted to invite all our new heights bloggers to come. No pressure to buy, just come check it out and have a visit. It's March 13 at 1:30 at my place. There will be food......

My poor foot

I have a sliver embedded in the bottom of my foot, it sucks. I noticed it in the middle of the night last night. Rod tried to get it out but it's deep and I was unwilling to let him use a razor blade(gee, wonder why?). It strikes me as funny that I can deliver a baby without to much complaint but try to get a sliver out of my foot and I'm a whiny complaining mess!!! I'm going to soak it and try again, I'm such a wimp!!

Too Funny

Rod saw a license plate today that he had to tell me about, I cracked up.

The plate said BABA.

It was on a black jeep.

Get it?? Someone was using their brain!!

I just had to share a picture of Payton with the monkey her Dad got her for christmas.

Is it just me??

Does anyone feel like sometimes they arn't in control of their own brain?? Like they are sometimes taken over by aliens or maybe have a split personality. I feel like there is two of me sharing this body, Michelle, the real me, and my evil twin, who looks just like me but thinks very differently.

Most of the time I'm fine, better than fine, I'm doing really well. Enjoying being a Mom and Wife, spending time with family, friends and the Lord. I feel pretty good about myself, of course there are areas that could use improvement but I'm working on it.

Then she shows up out of the blue, telling me how horrible I am. Your a bad wife, a bad mother, and a bad friend. You can't even keep your house neat, your so lazy. You need to loose weight, look how horrible you look. She hates everything about me, how I dress, how I walk, how I talk, everything. Sometimes she points out other people to make me jealous. Look at her, she looks so good, don't you wish you could look like that. Look at him, his relationship with God is so strong, yours sucks in comparison, look at her, her kids are so well behaved, yours will never be like that. Look at her, her house is so clean you could eat off the floor, when's that last time you washed yours?? ECT ECT ECT.

SHE DRIVES ME CRAZY!!! I used to think she was just part of life, she would come a go as she pleased, there was nothing I could do about it. Now I know the truth, I can throw her out!!! I HAVE THE POWER!! Sometimes a gentle nudge will send her flying, sometimes I have to shove her out the door and sometimes I have to get down right nasty before she'll pick up her garbage and leave.

As you can probably tell she visited me this morning, and I kicked her @ss right out the door. I feel wonderful!!

I, Michelle, am strong in the Lord, and in other ways as well!!

We survived

Yes, she cried, but within minutes she was back smiling and laughing at the health nurse. I think the whole process was harder on me than on her!!!1

I hate this

Today Payton is going for shots, I hate it. At least after this she won't have to go back for six months!!!

OOOUUUUUUCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHH............

This is the Picture that was entered in the cutest baby contest.

Little Miss Funny Face

My smiley baby

My Baby

does not want to nap today, whats with that?

Everything

find me here
and speak to me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
you are the light
that's leading me
to the place
where I find peace again

you are the strength
that keeps me walking
you are the hope
that keeps me trusting
you are the life
to my soul
you are my purpose
you're everything

and how can I
stand here with you
and not be moved by you
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this yeah

you calm the storms
and you give me rest
you hold me in your hands
you won't let me fall
you still my heart
and you take my breath away
would you take me in
take me deeper now

(2x) and how can I
stand here with you
and not be moved by you
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this

cause you're all I want
you're all I need
you're everything
everything

(3x)you're all I want
you're all I need
you're everything
everything

and how can I
stand here with you
and not be moved by you
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this

and how can I
stand here with you
and not be moved by you
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this

Lifehouse

Be Still

be still and know He
know He is holy
be still and know He is God

we have filled our lives with inventions
that have hurried us nowhere fast
now we need to turn our attentions
to what will last

be still and know He
know He is holy
be still and know He is God
love Him more dearly
see Him more clearly
be still and know He is God

we've been running without direction
we're afraid to get there late
what we need is strength just to kneel down
and wait

be still...

Newsboys

car seats........AAAARGGHHHH.........

We bought a new car seat because Payton was quickly outgrowing hers, and I'm sure she's outgrown it by now. Anyways, we try to install it in the car to no avail.AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH so annoying. It's like a baby death trap just waiting to happen.

Anybody an expert with these things???

Another Random thought

What does your screen name(sign in name)say about you??

I am usually Chmiley for example, which derived from two nicknames in high school, Smiley and Chelly.

Rod's is Rod-Bot, which explains itself when you find out he took Robotics at BCIT.

Every time I surf the net I come accross huge variation in screen names. Some are self explanitory, names for example, some are usual, some are very unusual and I always wonder if they are trying to tell me something or if it was just something that sounded cool.

Random thought

I saw a commercial the other day that amused me. Advil is now making migraine medication, which is great. Nothing short of T3's help my migraines but it's nice they are coming out with more options.

It was the last line in the commercial that made me laugh, "Now availiable in Extra-strength", why would anybody make regular strength medication for migraines?? Obviously someone whose never had one!!

My Pastor wears Nike Airs

Not that it surprises me any, I'm used to his jeans and baseball hats, it just made me chuckle. Let me explain...

Walking into church this morning I knew Susan was being inaugurated so when from a distance it looked like Scott was dressed up a little I wasn't too surprised. Button down white shirt and black pants, until he came walking out from around a table to reveal bright white and red old school Nike Airs. I had to laugh, I should have known!!

Just one more thing that I love about New Heights!!

Today

Today was good.

When I got up and looked in the mirror this morning I hardly recognized myself. I looked tired, worn out, and well......old. I thought to myself, what if this is it?? What if this is the end of youthfulness and attractiveness, what if I'm turning into a frump?? I asked my husband if he recognized me anymore and he looked at me as if I was speaking French. One of my favorite movies came to mind, As Good As It Gets, I was thinking what if this is as good as it gets???

Then I went to Church. Where I was lifted up, renewed, cleansed, and most of all I was Home. I felt good about myself inside and out. I realized God doesn't see my outside, he sees my insides and that's what's special about me. As I was basking in my new found realization, singing along in worship and holding my baby girl, I felt beautiful, really beautiful. I was thinking about that later in the day and I realized that I always feel beautiful when I'm holding my baby, and I always feel beautiful when I'm in worship. I think it's at those times I see myself through different eyes, through the eyes of God, and through the eyes of my child, and to them I'm beautiful, frumpy or not!!

Congrats to Kay!!

Congratulations to my good friend Kaylyn and her new fiance Shayne on their engagement!!! I'm very happy for you both!!! Love you!!

Look!! I can feed myself.....

Payton and her friend Brayden

Payton right after a bath

I got off my couch for this

I decided if I don't write about Payton and her sleep ect I wouldn't be writing very often!!

So we've had two incredibly fussy days. And a 1 good night(only up once) since I last wrote. Mommy not feeling well has only made things worse. We went to visit a friend of mine and her son, I figured if she's going to be fussy if we are out at least there is distractions!!! We entered our babies in a cutest baby contest, couldn't resist, but she wouldn't smile for her picture :( So even though I KNOW she's the cutest baby in the world she probably won't win. Those cute toothless grins always win. But it was fun anyways!!

So pretty much same old same old here, I think I'm going to back to the couch now!!!

I am a man...

At least that's what they tell me..

Find out your gender here

I'm at a loss.....

I feel like blogging but now that I am here I can't think of anything to say.....Payton had a horrible night sleep last night, she was up 5-6 times. But I find I'm tired of talking about Paytons sleep or lack there of. In all reality how many times do you guys want to hear about it?? It really isn't interesting....

My house is a disaster, and I can't really be to upset about it or I would be cleaning instead of telling you about it.....

Hmmm.....Valentines is coming soon, anybody have plans?

I, Michelle,.....

I, Michelle, am delivered from the power of darkness and Christ brings me into God's kingdom
(Col 1:13)

It never ceases to amaze me how I get exactly what I need when I need it. Sometimes God is subtle, sometimes not, but he is forever there. I really needed to be picked up this Sunday, I was feeling a lag in faith, not so much in God but in the world around me. God never fails me but people do, including myself. Scotts sermon spoke to me, simple and to the point but exactly what I needed to hear. God loves me as I am, regardless of what I've done in the past. So if I'm loved this much so is everybody, EVERYBODY else in the whole world. I try to live my life by example, this was a gentle reminder that I need to love more, and something that is hard for me, forgive more.

There has been some dissension in our church body that was starting to worry me because I love our church so much that it pains me to think something could destroy it. As Scott was talking I felt the overwhelming presence of God. Whatever is happening, God is there. He is watching over us and loving us. I felt like I was home, I know that's where God wants me to be. Our church has never pretended to be a "pretty" church, we are real, and gritty. We don't dress up our faith(or ourselves), we feel what's important is on the inside. Needless to say we have an interesting and wonderful congregation, and more than our fair share of problems. It has always seemed to me that the closer you get to God the harder it is. God won't give you more than you can handle and the closer you are to God the more you can handle!! I don't know where our church is headed but I know it will be where God wants us to be and he will be right there leading the way!!!!

On a side note, listening to Scott talk about how Jesus didn't hang out with the "pretty" people, he hung out with sinners, prostitutes, common folk.....I think he would LOVE New Heights!!!
I do!!

Apparently I am a Friend Bear....awwwww

	Friend Bear You are everyone's ideal friend because you are sincere and genuinely kind. Sometimes you worry about your friends' problems so much, you forget about your own responsibilities, which can get you into trouble. For you, it's the little things that really count. You also happen to be the main driver of the Cloud Car. No speeding!
Take the Which Care Bear Are You? Quiz!

I have a heavy heart

I HATE GOSSIP. Period

It's such a destructive force, you can never tell where the truth lay amongst the lies. And it leaves that little seed of doubt behind, that worms it's way into your brain and whispers softly in your ear.

Nasty. Until recently I was blissfully unaware of some of the things going on around me, or should I say supposed things. Now that I have heard some of it I feel dirty like somehow I'm involved. I fear for our church community, it makes me really sad. My heart is heavy. Ignorance really is bliss.


"Like one who seizes a dog by the ears is a passer-by who meddles in a
quarrel not his own.
Like a madman shooting firebrands or deadly arrows is a man who
deceives his neighbor and says "I was only joking."
Without a word a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down.
As charcoal to embers and as wood to fire, so is a quarrelsome man for
kindling strife.
The words of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to a man's
inmost parts.
Like a coating of glaze over earthenware are fervent lips with an evil
heart.
A malicious man disguises himself with his lips, but in his heart he
harbors deceit.
Though his speech is charming, do not believe him for seven
abominations fill his heart.
His malice may be concealed by deception, but his wickedness
will be exposed in the assembly.
If a man digs a pit, he will fall into it; if a man rolls a stone, it will roll
back on him.
A lying tongue hates those it hurts, and a flattering mouth works ruin."

Proverbs 26:17-28

Sequel to....I should never.....(Jan 11)

I figured if she slept through the night 3 times she was starting a trend, you know the third times the charm. I got myself all excited and lo and behold she was up last night, twice. So not only did she not sleep through the night but went back to being up twice. I think she likes to keep me guessing. I realize she's only 6 months and wasn't expecting a miracle but when it seemed like I was getting one I wasn't going to complain. It's like if you'd never had chocolate you wouldn't know what you were missing, but if you had and then couldn't talk about chocolate withdrawal. Now, I am craving sleep(long uninterrupted sleep), and it's worse because I know it's within reach and I never know when it's going to happen!!!

Just a sidenote, if you had asked me 4 nights ago if I would rather a) she slept 10 hours straight after crying herself to sleep, or b)went to sleep easily and be up in the night, I would have chosen b because I hate hearing her cry. So I should be thankful for what I get!!

All's well that ends well.....

So we had a fussy day, but we survived and she went to bed without complaint. She even woke about 20min later and let out a cry, my first instinct was to go and console her but I waited, she let out one more cry and went back to sleep. I am in amazement, it all just happened so quickly!! I guess I shouldn't be surprised she's always been like that, once she's made up her mind nothing stops her!!!!

My amazing, beautiful, sleeping girl.

Give and Take

I have discovered that this whole parenting thing is full of give and take. For example: "I'll sleep really good for you tonight Mommy but tomorrow I'm going to be really fussy and you can't complain!!"

Guess how our day has been???

Guess who's discovered sleep???

Yes your right that would be my daughter. YEAH!!!! Right after her six month mark things started improving. I've also been reading a book on healthy sleeping habits that I think has helped me to help her sleep better. I really have to watch her I need to get her into bed right when she starts feeling sleepy, then we won't have a fight(or as much of one!!). We also started putting her to bed earlier, I think by 8 she was overdone. And wouldn't you know it, she sleeps longer when you put her to bed earlier!!! Even her naps have been getting longer!! I'm so impressed. It's been a sudden and drastic change. She went from 2 feedings at night to one and the last 3 nights she's slept right through!! Tues night she slept 8 hours, wed 9.5, and last night 10.5 hours straight!! I'm sure there will still be nights she's up and maybe I'm getting excited prematurely but hey I got 7 straight hours of sleep last night, I'M EXCITED!!!

Payton making her first snow angel! 

Payton in her Valentine's day Outfit. SO CUTE!!! 

Life

Days come and go and try as I might I cannot slow them down. As excited as I get over every milestone Payton reaches I am also saddened because as the firsts list gets longer I know she's growing up. I get scared for her because I know how hard growing up can be, I also know I am not here to tell her what to do but only to guide her on her way. Who let me be a guide in unknown territory??? I am going to try to let her be a child for as long as possible, some of my favorite moments are getting down on the floor with her and playing. I try to see things with all the enthusiasm and excitement of a child, it's so easy to get wrapped up in our busy adult lives that we lose the simplicity and the peace that it can bring.

Papers needed

If anyone remembers could you please keep yesterdays paper(Mission/abby times with Paytons pic in it) for me. I have one copy but my Mom wants one and I could use a couple more for keepsakes!! Thanks!!!!!

Why am I still up??

So I should be happy, Payton seems to have started sleeping better. She's only been up once a night in the last three nights, which is fantastic. But I'm still exhausted, why??? you might ask, well, it is now I that is not sleeping well!!

What's with that?? I haven't been sleeping so I've been staying up late. It's like my body(or mind) has given up on sleep altogether. Somehow it just doesn't seem fair!! It's just not fair!! Stomp Stomp Stomp.

Ok I'm done with the tantrum, and I'm off to try to find this place they call sleep!!!

I almost forgot...

Payton is going to be in the local paper tomorrow!! The Mission/Abbotsford times is doing a babies of 2004 section and since I never did get around to doing a baby announcement I put her in this instead!! Don't ask why this makes me so excited because I'm not quite sure!!!

feeling sorry for myself

I could post countless reasons I am feeling sorry for myself today, and I planned on it but had a sudden change of heart. I wonder, where did this mood come from?? It hit me like a ton of bricks, we actually had a pretty good day and a really good night(she slept 7 hours straight for the first time!! I on the other hand woke up 4 times but hey, it's a start) It did take her an hour and 45 min to go to sleep tonight :( but this mood started before then. I am pure and simply pissy. There is no other word for it.

Oh well, I'm allowed to be pissy now and then for no obvious reason aren't I???

My own paparazzi

Who needs fame??? Who needs fortune??? I am loved, I am adored!!!

I have PAYTON!!!!

She watches my every move, I am closely monitored at all times, big beautiful eyes closely scrutinizing me and my life. I guess I should make sure I am living by example!!!

Howz everyone??

So I haven't been online much recently but I'm back I just spent an hour catching up on everyone's blogs and I still have much to read!! The writing bug has bit me again!!!

So we're doing well, over all nights are better than they were. The formula is definintely helping, usually we are up to feed her twice, sometimes once, occasionally three times. It's just bedtime and naptime we are working on now. Tonight is the third night in a row we have put her to bed and not gone back. I used to think this was incredibly cruel but the only thing Payton learnt from our going back in to reassure her was that if she cries hard enough or long enough, Mom or Dad WILL come. She's a smart little thing, I think babies are smarter than we give them credit for. So the first night she cried for 2 hours, yup she definitely has stamina!! Last night a measly hour(hehe), and today.....drumroll please..........35min!! So we are making progress, but I shouldn't say that, as I have previously stated I shouldn't get my hopes up!!

I should never....

I should never get my hopes up. Every time I think that Payton has decided that sleep is not so bad, she changes her mind. Maybe it's just to stir things up a little, maybe she was just storing away that extra sleep to give me a really rough time, I just don't know.

Sunday night's lack of sleep was my fault, we drove Rod to the Airport at an absurd hour. Last night she was so unsettled, up every 30-60min tossing and turning, and crying. Then to top it off I had an upset stomach. So I didn't get any sleep until 430 when I gave up and brought her to bed with me. Then she only had one nap today!! AHHHHHH. So put her to bed early because she is tired and she screams for an hour and a half before going to sleep, it makes me feel so bad!! I start to get overwhelmed again and think I just can't do this I'm not a good Mom, then I remember I am just overtired and tomorrow is another day. I just don't understand why my baby won't sleep!! I LOVE TO SLEEP. Hopefully when Rod gets home tomorrow she'll settle back into routine!!

Is it wrong to look forward to retirement at this point??

Welcome to Vancouver

At Vancouver airport, which I am becoming increasingly more familiar with, I saw something I found very humorous.

A vending machine in the arrivals section, not filled with candy or coffee, but umbrellas. What else could possibly better say "WELCOME TO VANCOUVER!!!"

Where do I start?

It has been a LOONNNGGGG time since I wrote, shame on me. Let's see...

Well, we had a wonderful Christmas, we were spoiled rotten. It was rather busy though because Everyone wanted to see Payton on her first Christmas. Next year I am going to have to limit the number of stops because it's just to hard on all of us. We didn't know if we were coming or going. Payton did really well until she got overtired which was not her fault. Her favorite things were the pretty wrapping paper and the lights.

Rod had the week after Christmas off, which was very nice. But also left me rather anit-social towards anyone else as I wanted to spend all of that week together. So I'm afraid I have friendships that have suffered over the Christmas season. I'm sure everybody understands....

We've started Payton on a little rice cereal, she's not all that impressed, she makes some rather funny faces. We also started feeding her formula at night. I was up every 2 hours or so with her and was getting sooooo exhausted. She was eating but not enough apparently. With formula usually we only have to feed her twice. Much more sleep friendly. Then she usually wake between630 and 730. I bring her to bed for her morning feed and usually she will go back to sleep for awhile. Generally I am feeling much more rested but Rod is not as he has been giving her the bottles. We were unsure if she would take them from me. Apparently she will so we are going to work out some sort of schedule.

Anyways I'm sure there's much more I want to say but I'm getting tired so I will continue sometime later...

Gratitude

There are many things I have been meaning to write about and somehow haven't got that far. I will get there I promise, but I learnt something yesterday that has me re-evaluating myself and my life with deep gratitude.

A friend I was close with in elementary and early high school and I have been connecting again lately, which is really nice. Just keeping in touch and planning on getting together(which hasn't happened yet). She was expecting, her due date was this week. I hadn't talked to her since November and was anxious to see how see was doing.

She lost the baby. I was in shock. She was in a car accident at the end of November and the baby took the main impact. A guy ran a red light and ended a life that hadn't even begun yet. It's awful horrible and heart breaking. I took it really hard, I guess after having Payton I feel attached to all babies?? Who knows but I am devastated, I was sobbing. The doctor told her that if she hadn't been pregnant her internal organs would have taken the impact and she probably would have died. I am struggling with the saying that everything happens for a reason and I know God has his reasons but it's so hard.... I am thankful that she knows the lord and is working at finding comfort with him...But it's so hard..What can I say for comfort?? I wouldn't want to be comforted if I were in her situation...

I realized that life is fragile and should not be taken for granted, be thankful for everyday and everyone. Even when my baby is screaming and crying and driving me insane. I am going to thank God that I have her, with deep gratitude

So now what do I do??

They're gone, yes my husband just left for work and Payton went with him. Well not really, he's dropping her off at Misty's for the day. She wanted to give me a break so she volunteered to take Payton...ALL DAY!! A little hesitantly I agreed, I know I need the break but this is a really long time.....

I have in a few short months forgotten what to do with myself without a baby around. It seems so strange, what to do first?? I think, yes, I'm going back to bed!!!! Talk to you all later!

Superwoman

I am feeling sorry for myself this morning, it started when Payton went from smiling to inconsolable screaming in the blink of an eye. She does this when she's tired and she's tired because she won't sleep, how do you get a baby who refuses to sleep to sleep??

I was asking myself what did I do to deserve this?? All my friends who've had babies have these easy eat every 4 hours sleep many hours in a row will even entertain themselves angel babies. Not saying I don't love Payton, she has the most personality of any baby I have known, I can see amazing things in her eyes and know she is and will be an amazing person but in the meantime sometimes I just say YOU HAVE GOT TO GIMME A BREAK CHILD!!!

So I kept telling myself that God won't give me any more than I can handle.(one way or another!!) Which led me to ask God a question "What do you think I am??? Superwoman?" This time I heard his reply "YES!" Alrighty then, if God has that much faith in me I guess I have to have some in myself.

Is it just me?

Looking back I've always been way to worried about what other people think. Worried people think I'm fat, mean, negative, messy, ugly, the list goes on and on. How did I get that way? Parents? Friends? Media? And how do I undo it?

I have gotten so good at telling people what they want to hear that sometimes I forget the truth. I'm not a bad person just one who thinks that if people knew what went through my head sometimes they would think that I was.

Anyways I will continue this sometime later as Rod is trying to put Payton to bed and the screams are causing brain freeze. I cannot think

the truth be told

Someone mentioned to me today that it has been almost a month since I wrote. So the question is, is there a reason for this lapse or is it just that, a lapse?

We've had a really full month, with ups and downs, the highlight being a trip to Alberta paid for my Rod's company so he could do some work there. I got to see some of my relatives that I haven't seen in a long time and introduce them to Payton. It was fantastic seeing everybody, I think I'm more "homesick" now than I was before(I grew up in Alberta). I really realized how much I miss everyone there.

Anyways, back to present. Payton has been back to being miserable lately. Really poor sleep patterns, cranky and fussy more than not. And to top it off she's developed a Mommy preference. She's cranky all day then when Rod comes home and gives me a break she's crankier. She wants Mommy, all the time. He's trying to put her to sleep right now, and she's winning. I am so tired that when she cries at night, he's been waking up first. That almost scares me, considering he sleeps like the dead.

I think I haven't been writing because a truth has been hitting me in the head and I don't much like it. I feel false, and it makes me feel dirty. People ask me how I am all the time and I smile and say pretty good, or I'm tired, or I've been busy, which is not a lie just not the entire truth. No one wants to hear the whole truth or maybe it's me that doesn't. It's not real if I don't say it aloud right? So here we go, most of the time I'm down, some of the time I'm downright miserable. I feel like I'm a failure on so many levels. I have a baby that is cranky 90% of the time no matter what I do, my house has fallen in to a total state of disrepair. I don't even want anyone here whether they have offered help or not. I think I have actually gained weight since delivery. Things that should have been done months ago still aren't because when I do have a few minutes to spare I am too tired physically or emotionally to get my butt in gear. I feel totally out of control, overwhelmed to the extreme meaning of the world. I see other people with new babies that actually sleep and am resentful, isn't that horrible?? That can't be who I've become. I pray but am so caught up with self loathing I can't hear any replies. I feel like I'm living in a cave and when I come out I try to put on the best show I can. My life on stage....... I can't believe I actually wrote this, I'm scared to death of admitting these things it's like admitting defeat ...next question is will I publish it???

Give and Take

There are certain things I will never ever take for granted again:

1. Uninterrupted sleep(even 6 hours would be heaven)
2. Getting something, anything done during the day
3. Sitting down for a meal
4. Sitting down for a meal with my husband
5. Having a bath
6. Having clothes that fit
7. Having a flat stomach
8. Uninterrupted adult conversation
9. Having a tidy house
10. I know there's more but I'm so tired I can't remember.........

But then I would miss out on:

1. Smiles
2. Seeing the world through a child's eyes
3. Teaching
4. Learning what's important
5. Letting go of the small things
6. Having an excuse for my untidy house
7. Becoming more appreciative of simple things
8. Cuddles
9. Laughter
10. Love