Days off.....or are they?

So for today I have no kids. Well I have mine but if I only considered days off days without Payton I almost never would have days off!! So I have very few of these anymore and a list as long as my arm of things I'd like to accomplish.

Darn, she doesn't think it's time to nap. Will continue later.

K, I'm back. For the moment she's happily pulling every DVD we own out of the cupboard. I really need to get a lock on that.....

The problem being I never feel like I accomplish anything. Maybe I set my goals to high and get fustrated and overwhelmed. Maybe I just don't do enough. I don't know. What I do know is I must get something ANYTHING accomplished today or I will be cranky come evening. So all I ask is to finish the kitchen, get all the toys put away, everything out of the livingroom that doesn't belong, and the table cleared off, oh and some laundry, Payton's room needs some help, the bathroom needs cleaning, I need some "me" time, and some Payton and Mommy time, and hmmm...maybe I should get some breakfast, I'm going to need the energy.....

Now if Payton would only go for her nap....

Oops...this got long...

Sat night we went and had dinner with Misty and Phil. It was nice, with hectic work schedules and busy lives it feels like we never see them anymore. I guess it just feels weird when something that was a regular part of your life becomes almost non-existent. I think I've been mourning my "old life" a little bit. I wouldn't change having Payton for anything but I can't help but remember "the good old times" once in awhile. I think it's just part of the adjustment to this new phase of my life. I think I need to mourn a little to move on completely with peace. Does that sounds bad? I must admit to feeling a little guilt when I'm wishing for more sleep, or more time to myself. I just want to get this place organized and I can't seem to accomplish anything with a beautiful baby always wanting to be part of what I'm doing(anyone want to steal a baby for a couple of hours?? She's cute and very amusing!!). And I can't say no when all she wants is to play with me, one on one time with mom has also gotten more scarce recently and I want to make sure she gets enough mommy time. It's a balancing act that I haven't quite gotten the hang of, like a clown learning to juggle. I'm sure I'll get there but patience seems to be hard to come by lately!!

Anyways sat night was really nice as I already said. Misty took Payton right away and I was instructed to sit and relax. That felt really weird I kept asking if there was anything I could do, as there is always something I could be doing at home!! As I watched Misty interact with Payton as she fed and even bathed her I tried to imagine what the person growing inside her will be like. Boy or girl?? Laid back or feisty? As much as I want her to enjoy her pregnancy part of me just wants to meet this new person now!! A little later Phil was playing with Payton, it was too cute. She would take off away from him and he would stop her, she would squirm and complain until he put her down. Then with a mischievous look she would laugh, glance at him to make sure he was looking then take off again. Over and over this played out, I was howling with laughter. Again I thought of the growing baby. That is one lucky baby to have such wonderful people waiting for and loving it already. Yes a baby is a gift from God, but so are wonderful loving parents. Their lives are changing in ways they can't even comprehend, but in a beautiful, magical way. I have said a few times over the last year that all the excitement over a coming baby is like false advertising(obviously said during a hard time!!), that nobody prepares you for the reality. When the reality is you can't be fully prepared. But I don't feel that way anymore. I honestly am excited for them, for this journey they are on. It may not be what they expect but the rewards are so much greater. Payton is the best thing that has ever been given to me, besides grace!! The joys of motherhood far outweigh anything I have had to give up, it still amazes me that she is my daughter, she is so incredible!! All this joy over coming babies has helped me to find my daily joy again, helped remind me of my purpose and focus for right now. Raising my daughter, being thankful for my gift.

Thank you Lord for Payton, watch over her, help her to grow into a strong woman of the Lord!! And thank you for the gift that is growing inside Misty, help the baby to grow healthy and strong and help Misty to be happy and healthy throughout her pregnancy. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

!!!Warning!!!.....Vent ahead......

So I'm feeling a little crazy today. And why are you sharing this you ask? Well, to see if I actually am indeed crazy or perhaps just a victim of kids and heat and disorganization. I suspect the latter, although it would be much easier to declare myself insane and take a nice vacation in a padded cell, where I could actually catch up on my sleep.

I feel lost. Like a little bit of chaos has been slipping in day by day until BAM!! I feel like I am completely lost. Well maybe lost isn't the word......overwhelmed, disorganized, like a failure, dirty(in a messy sort of way), alone, and yes- crazy. Why am I still so disorganized? Payton is over a year and I still can't seem to figure out this whole stay at home mom thing. Why can't I keep up with the laundry(there's only 3 of us!!), dishes(again only 3 of us and we have a dishwasher!!), clutter, meals, ect ect ect. ARGH!! What am I doing if nothing is getting done? Or maybe my issue is lack of motivation, with the few moments I steal for myself I DON'T WANT TO!! I don't want to cook or clean!! I want to spend time with my husband, or sleep, or have a bath.....Am I just being selfish?? There has to be a happy medium, I just can't find it. I have been making a conscious effort to have quality family time, but with so much that needs to be done I can't relax and enjoy it. This excuse for a home is driving me insane!!! Geez, would you listen to me?? I need to stop complaining and just start doing. ACK.......see Michelle cleaning...happily.... :).......

Now that they have told(finally!!), I can do this.......

CONGRATULATIONS TO MISTY AND PHIL!!!!!

on expecting their first child!!! Due in April, good month!!!

We are so excited for you guys!!! Lots of love and prayer headed your way!!

Odds and Ends

So life feels pretty hectic lately. Hectic and overwhelming, but not in an entirely bad way, just different. I've never been one that adjusts to change very well, I'm happiest with complete security, always knowing what is coming. Yes I know that sounds boring but I just can't help it. So quitting my job really through me for a loop. There was no way I wanted to go back there, I know this is so much better, and I'm feeling a lot better about it than I have been recently. I still have moments of panic when I start thinking about finances and the fact that buying a house will probably be years from now. I just have to trust God to take care of us, and I know he will, yet I still struggle, but it's getting better. I have to figure out some sort of schedule and get my house organized so although I may still be overwhelmed from time to time, I won't feel like I'm in chaos all the time!! Besides a friend told me that life after kids stays overwhelming, that's why we need to lean on each other. Which sounds like good advice to me!!

On another note, we went to the lake yesterday. My plan was to grocery shop and work on my house yesterday, but when Misty invited us to go to Hayward lake we couldn't resist. We realized we hadn't been to out to the lake for the day in two summers!!, and with summer almost being over we figured we needed a day out. I actually went swimming, swam most of the way across and back. It felt so good, I came home feeling refreshed. My house was still a mess but my body and soul felt better!! Payton isn't much for the water yet, I'll have to get her into the water more to get her used to it. I am so tired this morning, Payton has had a couple rough nights. She woke several times last night just screaming I really had to work to calm her down. I'm not sure if those darn teeth are finally coming through or what but man I'm not used to severely interrupted sleep anymore. Sleepy....((((((yawn)))))))).......Oh and speaking of Payton, she's started walking!!! Just a few steps at a time, but her confidence and number of steps are growing quickly. Pretty soon I'll have a toddler!! Anyways that's enough for now!!

Ah......What???

A conversation recently had with Holly(7)

I am cleaning out Payton's room, boxing up to small clothes ect.

Holly: "What are you going to do with all Paytons too small clothes?"

Me: "Either we'll lend them to someone else who has a baby girl or hang on to them for when we have another baby"

Holly: "And how do you do that?"

Me: after a moments hesitation "Do what?"

Holly: "Have a baby"

Oh dear...

Me: "Um, what part exactly?" (I didn't know if she knew anything at all)

Holly: "Well you have to go to the Docter right?"

Me: "yes"

Holly: " We'll do you just tell him that you want a baby and he gives you a shot or something?"

Oh double dear.....

Me: "Well, no, you need a Mommy and a Daddy to make a baby."

Holly: "yeah, well how does it get inside?"

Oh CRAP, how did this start???

Me: "Um, well it's hard to explain, I'm not sure if your mom would like me to explain it to you"(hows that for dodging a question?

Holly: "Oh, hmm.....what can be so hard about it?"

Then lets it drop, thank goodness, I SO am not ready for that!!

A single thread in a tapestry
though its color brightly shines
can never see its purpose
in the pattern of the grand design.
and the stone that sits up on the very top
of the mountain's mighty face,
does it think that it's more important
than the stones that forms the base?
So how can you see what your life is worth,
or where your value lies,
ohhhh, you can never see through the eyes of man
you must look at your life
look at your life through heaven's eyes.
lai-la-lai...through heaven's eyes(2X)
A lake of gold in the desert sand
is less than a cool fresh spring,
and to one lost sheep, a shepard boy
is greater than the richest king.
should a man lose everything he owns
has he truly lost his worth?
or is it the beginning
of a new and brighter birth?
So how do you measure the worth of a man
in wealth or strength or size?
in how much he gained or how much he gave?
the answer will come to ya
to look at his life through heaven's eyes.
lai-la-lai...through heaven's eyes(2X)
and that's why we share all we have with you,
though there's little to be found,
when all you've got is nothing
there's lots to go around!
No life can escape being blown about
by the winds of change and chance
and though you never know all the steps
you must learn to join the dance
you must learn to join the dance
lai-la-lai...through heaven's eyes(repeat until fade)

Through heaven's eyes, on the Prince of Egypt soundtrack

You never know where you are going to find words of wisdom, right when you need it. In this case, sitting down to watch a cartoon....

Well, Payton had her 1 year check up today. "My baby" is 26lbs 12oz, 31 inches. Is that big?? All I know is that she's healthy, that's what's important!!

Where did you think you would be?

When I graduated I had high hopes and goals for myself. Or did I? I often wonder whether all the things I wanted for myself were my hopes or those of people around me. Regardless somewhere they became mine.

I was that kid who got good grades and seemed to get along with everyone. I didn't have a "crowd", I was friends with people from all different crowds. All my teachers and friends thought I'd "make something" of myself. What does that mean?? Does that mean being a doctor or a lawyer with high status and a high paycheck?? Or someone who gives a lot without expecting anything in return?? I don't know.

What I do know is I have spent a lot of time reflection on my life recently and I am definitely not where I thought I'd be by 26. I thought I'd have a career, not just a job but a career. Now, I think in my head the fact that I don't even have a job anymore is making me feel like a failure. I've received my last maternity paycheck and am now officially unemployed. Yes I realize that Payton is a full time job and if I was working I'd have to pay someone else to do it. But I have the internalized success driven model in my head of life should look like. After being the main money earner while Rod went to school and found a job, to having a baby, to being a stay at home mom has been a shock to the system. This is what I want, what we want for our family, still I have lingering feelings of worthlessness. Money is going to be very very tight, and I feel funny not contributing on that aspect. I will have some daycare, but does not make me feel secure. Maybe this is a fear of change thing but this morning I found myself freaking out about our future.

I guess where I thought I'd be by now wasn't realistic for me and I have to accept that without letting failure sit on my shoulders. I wonder sometimes if I've disappointed my friends and family with what I've done with my life. If I will be one of the ones at our 10 year reunion that everyone will be surprised at my life, the "oh she had so much potencial" girl.

I have so much to be thankful for. I'm sure that one day I'll look back and see this period in a different light. I am enjoying this time with my daughter I am just unsure where our daily living expenses are going to come from. I guess I am hanging onto something that I don't need to. I need to let go and let God. And I am trying, but I'm just not there yet.

Payton's first birthday

Well, we survived the first birthday party. It was busy but good. I didn't have much time to visit with everybody but I think that it went well. She had a great time and was spoiled rotten. Here she is eating her cake(and making a big mess!!) what fun!!

Guess who's birthday it is today??

Happy Birthday to Tysey!!!

Hope you have a great day!!

Life can be SO hard....

I talked to a friend today, someone I've known a long time but haven't talked to in awhile. She's going through some really, really tough times. I stopped and thanked God that even though I sometimes think I have it hard that I really don't, I have it so so good. I'm not going to mention any names but she could really use some prayer. For strength and perseverance, as well as the essentials like food and shelter for her and her kids. I also really want to introduce her to Jesus and feel like the time might be getting close where she would be receptive. I think that the only way she's going to make it is to find the strength to lean on God. All I can do right now is pray, and provide some support.

I was going to post some pictures of Paytons 1st.....1st birthday party?? That sounds strange!! Anyways the party with the relatives back in Alberta. But then I realized that all the pictures are on Rods laptop which is at his work. So that will have to happen sometime later. The Party was really nice. Chloe(my cousin) turns 2 on the 21 of July, so it was a joint birthday party. We went shopping the week before and found matching shirts for all three girls(Darby, my other cousin is 3.5). It was so cute!! Trying to get them to sit in one place and get a picture of all three in their matching shirts was another story! There were relatives there who hadn't met Payton before, it was great to see them!!

Anyways we are having her "at home" party this Sun afternoon. If anyone's interested in coming that I haven't mentioned it to please let me know!! It's just a casual barbecue, I can't believe she's already 1!!!

Just posting so i can change my pic.

Payton hates bath time??

My little girl who used to love bath time has decided that she HATES it. She used to have a great time, it was one of the only times when she was younger that she wasn't fussy. Then about a month ago she decided she didn't like having her hair washed then gradually it became I hate bath time altogether. She cries and screams when you give her a bath. What's with that?? Is it normal for a small child to change their mind about something so suddenly and dramatically without warning?? Very perplexing.....

Home again, home again....

Yup, we made it back!! Safe and sound. I am tired. Hmm...that doesn't quite convey enough emotion. I am TIRED!! There, that's better. I had a little nap this afternoon, when Rod came to get me up I wasn't pleasant. Poor Rod!! Actually I take that back. I had an appointment I had to go to this afternoon, Rod stayed home with Payton. I had been talking recently about re-arranging the furniture in the bedroom and organizing it because it drives me crazy. Rod decides that a good way to unpack is to organize the bedroom. I get home and there is stuff everywhere, the bed I so desperately want to crawl into is in parts. I could have cried. All I wanted was to unpack in a somewhat neat manner, and go to bed. Now there is STUFF all over my house. AHHH!!!! It was tidy when we got here. Honest!! Oh well, as long as the bed is back together at bedtime I'll be a happy girl!!

My excitement for the day was ALMOST hitting a deer. It was just a fawn, still had it's spots. I almost hit Bambi!! It was the closest I have ever come to hitting anything. I would have been devastated!! I had just been thinking that the only wildlife I had seen in awhile had been dead when all of a sudden there was a deer right in front of me. I swerved to the right hoping to give it enough time to cross, and it hesitates. OH CRAP!!! I went as far as I dared to the right then headed back into my lane and it continued out of lane just in time!!! I continued down the road for a few seconds and pulled over. I had to start breathing again!! I was freaked right out!! I woke Rod up with my swerving, tire screeching, and swearing, but Payton slept right through!!

Anyways there is other things to say but I better go see if I can wake up enough to get some organizing done tonight. Either that or head to bed........

To my beautiful daughter

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

At this moment one year ago today we were in the hospital for "observation". It was about now that my midwife checked me and I caused chaos by being fully dialated and ready to push after only 2 hours and not being actually admitted to the hospital. "OH" I said "you mean that searing pain in my hips is the babies head pushing them apart?? Interesting". At 8:11 my beautiful Payton was born weighing 8 lbs 4 ounces, with what felt like a HUGE head. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY LOVE!!

Greetings

So, I can hardly believe tomorrow is Paytons birthday. She's going to be a whole year old!!! I was trying to remember what I was doing last year at this time. Rod was just just home from a business trip, and other than the braxton hicks contractions I had been having all week I was feeling pretty normal. Well as normal as a 37 week pregnant woman can feel!! It wasn't until 5 am tomorrow morning that I even had an inkling that I would be having a baby early. Wow, this year has gone fast!!

Our week has been going well. I ended up at the walk in clinic yesterday because my pain from having my wisdoms removed started getting worse(and spreading) instead of better. I'm now taking antibiotics and it seems to be improving. I've been having a bad hair week. I think the change in climate is doing a number on my hair, I can't get it to look decent to save my life. Oh well, I should have brought a hat. We went to the parade on Wed, it was a lot of fun. Payton loved the marching bands and the horses. She was actually pointing and clapping. So fun!!

I've been thinking about vacations, what used to be and what is. Vacation with a toddler is not relaxing. If I wanted to catch up on sleep I should have stayed home. Payton just isn't sleeping well. And with my mouth being so sore I haven't been sleeping well either. So we've been having some naps but I don't want to spend all my visiting time sleeping. I guess my point is that if anyone wonders why people with children are so tired after vacation they must not have children.

Anyways, I'm going to get back to my visiting now. Hope everyone is doing well!!

Well..............

We made it!! I can tell I'm getting older by how I react to one night without sleep. It about does me in!! And yet I'm still up!! We are having a good time. Payton is having a blast. A whole new toy filled space to explore, complete with a pair of cousins to help her find new mischeif. I'll be on more later just wanted to check in. I was going to write something else but now am starring blankly at the screen....time for bed......

How much ice cream can one girl eat.....

Well, not only ice cream.......jello, pudding, milkshakes, and yes some actual "real" food(like soup) thrown in there. I am doing ok at the moment. Thanks everyone for your prayers and positive thoughts!! It was actually kind of a neat experience with all the machine's they had to hook me to. It was all new to me!! I got a bit freaked when I was starting to come to and they were still working. I couldn't open my eyes but I could feel them working in my mouth(no, there was no pain). I started to freak out a bit, but I really couldn't even move so it was mostly all internal. I must have managed to make a couple noises and I know my eyes were starting to water because I remember someone saying it was ok, they were almost done and I was doing really well. Then I must have gone back under, whether they gave me more drugs to knock me out again I don't know. The next thing I knew it was done. I was shaky and had that recent panic feeling lingering. It felt surreal. I was SO SO SO glad Rod had taken the day off to be there for me.

Anyways they put like a pound of gauze in your mouth and tell you not to take it out until you get home. It tastes bad, REALLY bad. I'm not sure if it was the gauze, the blood, the antibiotic, or a combination but I was dieing to get that stuff out of there. But we had to stop and get my prescriptions filled, buy food I can eat, and stop for a frosty of course!! So I get home and run to the bathroom to pull that junk out of my mouth and remember to check my "instructions" on post surgery care of my mouth. NO rinsing NO brushing NO spitting for 24 hours!! You've got to be kidding!! So I ran back into the kitchen for some ice cream to get rid of that nasty flavor in my mouth. YUCK. Feeling a bit dizzy I went for a nap. I was pretty tender for awhile, but I've been using ice packs and taking my drugs and I'm pretty good now. Still sore and a bit swollen but it could be SO much worse. I did brush my teeth, just could not go all day without, but I just did my front teeth and my tongue. It felt SO much better. I just hope it doesn't get worse tomorrow!!

I'm so glad you can't grow more wisdom teeth. IT'S DONE!!!!

Hey!! Remember me??

Yeah Yeah, I know it's been awhile. I have some catching up to do. But not tonight. Tonight all I can think about is in 9 hours I will be unconscious to the world getting my wisdom teeth out. AAAAHHHHHH!!!! I'm more than a little freaked out. I've never been put under before AND I've never had surgery before. I'm not a big fan of the unknown, or pain for that matter. So please please please pray for me. That I don't act like a big wuss and that everything goes well. Thanks.

Then bring me chocolate....Preferably in liquid form......

26 years ago today....

Singing loudly.....


Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to Misty
Happy Birthday to you!!

And many more.....

Hope you have a great one!!

LOVE YOU!!!

IT'S OFFICIAL!!

I'm in trouble. Payton is "officially" crawling!! She finally figured out how those legs work!! She is currently stalking the cat, who isn't impressed!!

And we haven't finished baby proofing!! Oh dear!!

I can't imagine

There's a parenting message board I visit where all the babies are all about the same age as Payton(they were all due in July or Aug). I started visiting when I was pregnant but had to stop because everything that was happening to others was freaking me out. I still go back and check in to see how all the other babies are doing. Yesterday there was a pole about how our babies get to sleep. I was amazed to find that over half of those parents still rock/nurse/sing ect their babies to sleep all the time and many more that do it sometimes. At a year!! Can you imagine?? I guess if your ok with that whatever works, but Payton got to heavy to rock to sleep forever ago!! There was only 20 something percent that put baby to bed awake and let them fall asleep on their own. WOW!!

UPDATE: I just wanted to add to this because upon re-reading it I feel like I'm coming across pretty harsh. I don't mean to imply that putting the baby to bed awake and letting them fall asleep on their own is the "right" way to do it. I didn't mean to judge anybody. Different things work for different people. We used to rock or nurse(or a combination of the 2) Payton to sleep when she was younger. She was to easily distracted by surroundings(not to mention heavy) at 3/4 months old that she refused to fall asleep in our arms anymore, no matter how much rocking or singing we did. I guess that it just feels like that was so long ago I couldn't imagine still doing it now. I failed to realize that this was reality for many parents and I apologize if I made anyone feel like I was attacking their parenting. That was definitely not my intent!!

Sunday

I just wanted to say to the youth I think you guys did a great job at church on Sunday!! Mitch, TJ, Jordana, Kim, and the band, You guys did awesome. I could see God in you guys and I am so encouraged by our future because our youth are sooo amazing!! Keep it up guys!!

Where's the Passion?

If you havn't read this post of Scotts, you should.

I've been attacked. At least that's what it felt like. WHAM, throwing me right off my feet. I fell hard into a pit of self loathing and worthlessness. This week has been good, lots of connections with God and soul searching. God has put me into situations this week where I felt confirmations in my growth and a desire to seek my direction in Christ. Not everything is rosy but I'm feeling the healing touch of God and hearing his encouragement louder than satans lies. I wonder about the timing of this attack. Did I just let my guard down because I've been feeling better or is my growth and relationship with God being closely monitored by Satan? Am I being hit hard now because I'm trying to focus more on God now and less on my own crap? Or I am I just being self involved? All I know is Rod and I prayed, reached out to God for help and within minutes I was up, feeling stronger and stronger by the minute. Thank you God for your strength and love and healing touch.

Christine's depression never seeems to end
Cause she'll never be as skinny
As the girls on ''Friends''
She's got fat hips and thin lips, she's jealous of a Q-Tip
She'll take stupid over fat
She stuck her fingers down her throat for the very last time today.
And she walked away.

Malcom's got his image: his rock and his glock
And if he lives to see 20, he will beat the clock
He's got his ride and he's fried and girls by his side
He makes a stand with his gun in his hand
He saw his best friend lying on a stainless steel tray.
And he walked away.

And the destination's clear: anywhere but here.

Doesn't matter that you're lying in the gutter
It doesn't matter that your brain's all cluttered
It doesn't matter that you're covered in scars
You're never in the gutter with your eyes on the stars.

Better walk away
walk away

So walk away from the boyfriend who bruises
And the shame of the game that your brain knows you're losing
And that job that you do that just robs you of who
You can be when you're free of this mentality.
So you're home by the phone getting stoned all alone
With your chat room friends, your Korn and Ramones
But the phone don't ring and Joey just sings sedated
You gotta learn to hate it.

Doesn't matter that you're lying in the gutter
It doesn't matter that your brain's all cluttered
It doesn't matter that you're covered in scars
You're never in the gutter with your eyes on the stars.

Walk Away- Barlow

You never know what's going to pull you up. The chorus got me thinking, no matter how low I get or how lost I feel as long as I focus on God and look to him for help there is hope. I need to "walk away" from the thoughts keeping me captive and the devil speaking lies in my ears. Not waste my time, just walk away.

There are some amazing Post Secrets this week. Check them out here.

Aunty Misty and I took Payton on her first "summer" outing to the water park in Abby. She looked SO cute in her swimsuit!!

We did NOT like the water park. Cold water flying everywhere.....GET ME OUTTA HERE!!!!

Watching the kids

Today I woke feeling optimistic, that's an emotion I haven't felt for awhile. I've made it through and am feeling pretty good. I know it's not gone, I've been through this enough times to know better but I'm at a place where I can think straight again. It feels wonderful. When I'm down in one of my pits I feel like I'm going insane and wondering why I haven't gone to see the doctor. Everything feels like it's spinning out of control. I read recently on Nikki's blog something that is reassuring, LOL, that crazy people don't question their sanity. So I must be ok!!

God has been helping me do an evaluation of myself. I think I need to try leaning on him more and taking care of myself and see what happens. I need to be absolutely sure that I need "professional" help before I ask for it. I haven't been taking good care of myself, nor have I been surrounding myself completely with God. Don't get me wrong God is in my life daily and I lean on him for support but I think I've always got a foot sticking out from the covers that I'm still trying to support myself with.

So here's the plan. I am going to get more sleep. I know I can't function properly on low sleep so why am I going to bed so late? I think I'm creating for myself a crutch, if I'm low, or having an unproductive day I can always say I'm tired. Payton has been sleeping through the night for a month now, there is no reason for me to be so exhausted anymore. I am going to get exercise. My mind doesn't function well if I'm ignoring my body, I need to put exercise back on my priority list. I am going to bathe myself in God's word. I think I need to start my day with the Lord, take stock of my negative thoughts and emotions and replace them with positive scripture. I know much of my problem is letting Satan put negative thoughts in my head when I'm not paying attention, then by the time I notice everything seems so bad I can't handle it. Especially thoughts about myself, my self worth and self esteem get so low that it's scary. I need to be more aware or myself on a daily basis. I get so wrapped up in other things I neglect my emotional self. I'm going to re-start reading Battlefield of the mind(I started reading it in the middle because that's where they were when I started bible study.), there's good stuff in there that's exactly what I need to hear!!

Anyways that's where I'm at. If I work, really work, at keeping myself level and I still can't handle it then I'll deal with that. I don't believe I've REALLY been working at it. I work to come out of my pit but never at prevention. God has been working at showing me things that were keeping me under, that were keeping me from being closer to him. I think with his help I'll be able to work through some of my crap.

So today's job, work on my very neglected house. How does one so NOT naturally organized LEARN to be organized?

Apparently I've been the victim of bad fads. Find out if you have here.

A little to much reality for a Friday, sorry about that....

Looking back I'm not sure when it started. I can only tell you that as long as I can remember it follows me, I am constantly looking over my shoulder in fear I have lost myself again. I have prided myself in the fact that I have never had to depend on anyone else, I have always managed to work through things on my own. I've pulled myself out of countless pits and patted myself on the back for a job well done. I have become so skilled at telling people what they need to hear in order to think I'm fine that I end up convincing myself that I am as well. Then when I end up back where I was or worse I feel blindsided, shocked and unprepared. You can only run into the same wall so many times before giving up. I've given up. I hadn't realized it until recently but I have. I've accepted my reality as truth. I've lost my fight and chosen to live in fear and stand firmly paralyzed where I am while the world moves around me.

Rod told me recently that I'm hiding again, in a physical sense. I had to stop and think about it but he's right. I'm not calling people or returning phone calls, I don't answer the phone or my emails. I go out more so people won't ask me why I'm not going out than for actually going out. I have no desire left, I feel joy so rarely now I don't bother looking. I had actually convinced myself that this was normal, that life was supposed to suck all the happiness and pleasure out of living, that if you kept putting one foot in front of the other you were winning. I think I'm tired of being fine, of saying I'm fine, of pretending I'm fine. I feel like such a fake, I've always been the one people come to for help, for advice, or just a sympathic ear. I've always been the wet shoulder, someone safe to lay your head on and cry. I've come to see that much of the advice I give I don't follow or believe myself. It was all well meaning and said in much love yet I can't take my own advice. What a hypocrite.

I am so thankful I know God and I thank God for Payton. Through God and Payton I still feel moments of great joy, even for a moment it is something to hang on to. In the moments where I think I've won there is peace, but it is fleeting as I check over my shoulder again. When the darkness starts to creep back in I always wonder "is this the one?? The one that will envelope me so completely that I won't be able to escape?" I used to believe that I pulled myself out of my pits completely and just kept finding new holes to fall into, now I think it's always been the same pit, I've just pulled myself up onto a ledge. And since everything looks so much better on the ledge than in the pit I think I've made it, that I can breath fresh air again. But that ledge leaves me so little room to move, the littlest bump and I fall again.

I need help. There I've said it. I'm tired of doing it on my own. I'm tired of pushing through only to find myself stuck in a place that is barely livable. I don't want to be in this place anymore but it's all I know and I don't know the way out. Here in this place is where the guilt lives. I feel pathetic as a Christian and worse as a person, a failure. I know to a certain extent that it isn't true but I can't escape the darkness that tells me otherwise. It whispers lies in my ears and I am to tired to fight them anymore.

I realize all this now, God has helped me to see myself. I don't like what I see but can't make the next step. I would have to admit there was something wrong with me, admit that I couldn't handle it, but the worst is admitting that I don't have enough faith and trust in God to let him deal with it. I feel like if I see my Dr. and I start taking anti-depressants that I've failed, not only myself, but God. I feel liked I'll be figuratively slapping him in the face, telling him he's not enough for me. Now let me make a note here that I don't feel that everyone else on anti-depressants doesn't have enough faith in God or should be able to handle it on their own. I know that many people need them due to chemical imbalance or other things out of their control. Here's where the double standard kicks in, for others it's fine and normal and I'm completely understanding, but for me it's just not acceptable. Which in turn makes me unacceptable. There are so many people out there with major problems and here I am complaining about my life. What's my problem?

Then there is the whole anti-depressant debate. Are they even a good thing? How long will I be on them? Will I get addicted? Do they actually solve anything? My mind starts to spiral right about here and I havn't even seen the Dr. Maybe he'll say I'm fine, get over it and I'm just borrowing trouble. But I don't think so. I realize that some kind of therapy is probably a good idea, but am I ready?

So here I stand unmoving, unready or unwilling to make my decision. I pray. I wait. Searching for truth.

There are moments

I've been going through some tough personal stuff recently. Every once in awhile I have a moment of perfect clarity, where the fog clears and I hear Gods voice clearly. Whatever the message, I feel such pure joy in that instant it's almost painful. I thought I would share my last one with you.

At church on Sunday I was out in the hallway with the baby when God clearly told me to go sit down and listen. I found the sermon very powerful and obviously I was meant to hear it. God helped me to realize that I have been choosing to live a second rate Christian life by not reaching out and asking for help. I've been living along a flat line, not feeling much of anything on a daily basis. I'm missing the passion and joy and the feeling of pure conviction that I should feel as a Christian with a close relationship with God. Now don't get me wrong I realize that everyday shouldn't be extraordinary and that normal everyday life doesn't hold much excitement but I've been so flat and so down for so long it's time to reach out and up for some help.

I've also been struggling with trying to figure out the difference between what I want to do with my life and what God wants me to do. I've come to a stand still out of fear of making the wrong choice. I have some passions that are very clear and sometimes very scary for me, but I've never known if it's my own personal desires or Gods. During service many of my old passions that have been suppressed for years started working their way to the surface and again I was trying to push them down. As I was fighting with my mixed emotions I heard God again, he said to me "I have given you passions for a reason, don't you think I want you to use them?" I was stunned. I never even entertained the thought that my passions and Gods desire for me could be the same thing. I just thought that I shouldn't be living my desires as that would be living for me.

So that was my moment and now I am trying to figure out where to go from here. Something to think about.

Payton and Brayden, Partners in crime!!

The funny thing is Brayden was being really good, staying out of trouble until Payton decided to check out the outlet on the wall then all of a sudden he's like "hey there IS something on the wall" and became an accomplice!! My daughter....The instigator!!

I posted this briefly yesterday. I didn't write it with the intent of sharing it with everyone, rather as a outlet to vent and let off some steam. I surprised myself when I hit publish and eventually my fear at having so much of myself exposed and vulnerable caused me to panic and remove it from view. Much against my own better judgment I feel compelled to re-post it, it's weighing heavily on me to let go of my fear, so here it goes. I hope.



I feel disheartened today. Disappointed at my own ability to grasp what God has put in front of me and run with it. He has been talking to me lately about where he wants me to be and what great things he has in store for me, somehow I'm still struggling. Struggling with life, with choices, with myself and my inability to be real. I have surrounded myself with a barrier meant to keep myself from hurt and have inadvertently found myself trapped in cage of my own making. Like a bird desperately wanting to fly but never moving beyond it's cage. I can see through my bars, reach out and touch freedom, hear it, even taste it but never able to grasp it tight enough to hang on. Sometimes I can get the door open and spread my wings, I can feel the joy and expectation of living free, only to find my wings have been clipped and I fall with a crash to a depth where escape feels impossible. I've lost myself in my fear, even I'm not sure who I am anymore. I feel like I'm wearing sunglasses all the time now, blocking the view of my soul, but masking reality. I've fought before and won but what if this time I just don't have the strength, the endurance, or the desire? I call out to God and he responds and I hear him with great joy, and for a moment, a minute, an hour I feel secure and I know everything is going to be ok, then when everything slips and I stumble and fall, sinking back into my chaos I am out of control and raging at myself for yet another failure. I can't help thinking if I want it bad enough, or had enough faith I wouldn't be here, in this place, again....still.

I took a much needed break and helped with sandwich giveaway and went to street church. All I can say is James, you crack me up!!

Andrew has been painting

He wanted me to show everyone. Check out his artwork here and here.

Payton and her Mama

I'm trying to stop feeling sorry for myself so I stole this off Nikki's site cause I thought it looked like fun!!

1. What time did you get up this morning? 6ish, Payton decided it was time to be up.
2. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds are a girls best friend......
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Hmmm....I have no idea, it's been a year at least....
4. What are your favorite TV shows? CSI, Desperate Housewives, Without a trace, Extreme Makeover:Home edition, Grey's Anatomy(new show), Alias
5. What did you have for breakfast? coffee
6. What is your middle name? Lynn
7. What is your favorite cuisine? Japanese or Greek, YUM
8. What foods do you dislike? Bananas, beans(except green), Liver
9. What is your favorite chip flavor? Dill pickle, Anything Mrs. Vickies
10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? I can't think of 1 fav, I like so many
11. What type of car do you drive? Dodge Caravan, well I would if it hadn't been stolen!!
12. Favorite sandwich? Turkey, mayo & mustard with a touch of salt and pepper, mmmmmm......
13. What characteristic do you despise? Dishonesty, hatred
14. Favorite item of clothing? Do shoes count?? I LOVE my flip flops!!
15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? If I had enough time(6-8weeks at least) I would drive across Canada. Otherwise, Greece, Turkey, or Scotland
16. What color is your bathroom? The walls are beige(how boring I know, but when you rent you get what you get!!)but my shower curtain which I got for a shower gift and LOVE(I know it's weird to love your shower curtain but I do!!), which matches my counter stuff, is burgundy and greens and beiges and is BEAUTIFUL!!
17. Favorite brand of clothing? Reitmans stuff fits me best.
18. Where would you retire to? Somewhere warm along the ocean
19. Favorite time of the day? Morning, when Payton is in the best mood and we have good times and evening, when I can wind down and see my hubby
20. What was your most memorable birthday? Either my 19th or was it 20th? When there was balloons covering the entire ceiling, or my 7th when I invited my entire class and then some(my mom must have been crazy!!)
22. Favorite sport to watch? Not really into watching sports unless it's Olympics
23. Who do you least expect to send this back to you? I'm not sending it onto anyone!?
24. Person you expect to send it back first? See previous question!
25. What fabric detergent do you use? Tide- One of the only ones Rod can use!! And vanilla bounce sheets....mmmmm... I love getting out of the shower and burying my face in the fresh vanilla-y towel!!
26. Coke or Pepsi? Diet Pepsi or Diet Coke with Lime or Diet Dr.Pepper
27. Favorite movie? I have tons, check my profile
28. Are you a morning person or a night owl? definitely NOT a morning person
29. What is your shoe size? 10, well I was until I got pregnant, now my feet are to wide for most 10s!! DRAT!!
30. Do you have any pets? A cat, whom I love but the cat hair drives me crazy. And a fish, yes A fish. He's mean and picked on all the other fish till they died so I refuse to get anymore until he dies and he just won't and I just can't bear to flush him.
31. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with your family & friends? Well, my van got stolen(see previous post), besides that my life has been the usual
32. What did you want to be when you were little? Teacher, counselor, psychiatrist
33. What languages do you speak? English, although I am trying to teach Payton a little sign language
34. What is your pet peeve? Unsafe drivers, abusers of any kind, narcism, THIEVES(can you tell what's on my mind today?), to name a few

UN-FREAKING-BELIEVABLE!!!!

So my van was stolen last night. I didn't even know it was gone until the police called to tell me they had found it!!! It was just down the road in a neighbors driveway. Crazy!! It didn't sound like there was much damage, the ignition needs to be fixed before I can have it back and they are taking it for fingerprinting. I need to call ICBC but I want to calm down first. It's not the van I am upset about, it's the feeling of not being safe, of being violated. It's creepy.

I am also really upset about our trip, the timing is horrible. We were supposed to be leaving today, we had already postponed this trip once. It wouldn't be an issue as we could always leave later but some of my relatives are leaving next week for their own vacations and we wanted to go while I still have maternity pay. I am so disappointed, I'm not sure how this is all going to work out. We could take the car but the car seat(which is still in the van, I asked) only fits in the car if the seat is all the way forward because she is still rear facing, and that would be incredibly uncomfortable for a 12 hour drive. I don't know, I'm feeling so overwhelmed and fustrated I can't even think straight.

When Randy who lives upstairs' left for work at 3:30 it was still there. The cops called before 7, so it was only gone for a few hours tops, then it was dumped just down the street, it's very strange and sooooooo fustrating. What's with the timing?? Maybe we aren't supposed to go on this trip, I would be soooo upset. Anyways, just venting, what a great way to start a morning!! I'm so ticked!!

UPDATE: Well apparently it wasn't in a driveway, someone saw three men acting suspiciously with a mini-van on their property and called police. If I want more details I have to talk with the Constable about it. The receptionist was having a hard time figuring out where my file was because it was listed as a suspicious person not a stolen vehicle. I was just trying to find out when I could have my car seat back. My meeting with ICBC isn't until Thursday, and then it'll be sent somewhere for repair, so we are postponing our trip and trying to figure out when we can go later. :0( Bummer.

Let me tell you a story.....

I have been letting myself get stressed over money recently. It's so easy to do, we have many bills to pay, and soon my income will be gone. Then we realized that we owed a whole bunch to the government. It just seems sometimes that it's one thing after another, that we just can't get ahead and that we'll be living month to month forever.

While I was letting myself drown in self pity I realized I hadn't given God a chance to help me, I hadn't prayed about my financial worries. The thing is, I feel unworthy to ask. I feel like I shouldn't be praying to ask for money, it seems so petty. I'm still trying to take care of myself, to be independent and self reliant. How can I expect to grow closer to God if I can't trust him, if I can't even ask for help. I am so good about asking for others, but not for me. My first thought is "what can WE do to figure this out?" The answer is Pray, pray hard, give it over to God and let him figure it out. Then wait and listen, when he answers you'll know it. I want so much for my family that sometimes it's hard to understand that God wants so much more.

We were supposed to be leaving for vacation on sat, out to Alberta to visit some relatives. I almost cancelled this trip SO many times out of money worries. We had finally decided that we should go right before we did the taxes. I freaked out, and almost cancelled again. That's when I realized I needed to pray about it. So sitting in my driveway with Payton sleeping in the backseat I let out all my worries and fustrations to my heavenly father, amongst tears of fustration and shame I bared my soul, I humbled myself and admitted I couldn't do it alone and asked for help. His response was immediate, I felt a peace wash over me, his warm embracing presence was all around me, I was told I was being taken care of. I gave a big sigh of relief and opened my eyes and smiled in peace. As I turned and glanced out the window I noticed, a ray of light was sneaking through the clouds and shining down as if to say "I am here, I will light your way", it was magical. Payton and I went inside and hardly any time had passed when I got a call from Rod. His boss had offered him a business trip that he would get three service fees from if he wanted, but it would delay our holiday by a few days. I couldn't believe it, three service fees plus what I am getting back is almost exactly what is owed!!! Rod has never gotten three service fees from one trip before, God works in unexpected ways!!

Needless to say, we are leaving tues night or weds for our vacation.

Anybody seen my brain?

I was going to blog something.....I can't remember what it was.....I think I should be in bed........

I danced!

I am amazed. I went out on Friday night. With adults. I visited. I danced. I went out "afterwards". I stayed out past midnight. I had fun.........

Maybe I do still have a life outside motherhood, a very small slice of the pie, but a slice none-the-less.

It's rather exciting!!!

I NEED COFFEE!!!

But we are out of cream, drat.

Payton story

Yesterday I had put Payton down for a nap when about 30min later I thought I heard some noise coming from her room. So I went to the door and listened, I could hear laughing, squealing, and babbling. I was very intrigued as to what was so funny because Payton isn't one to play in her crib, if she's up she wants out of bed. So I open the door and out comes the cat just barreling out the door, and there's Payton on hands and knees just chatting away at the cat!! I laughed so hard. Poor Wicket must have followed me in there and got stuck. hehe. Payton thought it was great fun!!

Fake it till you make it

Well, I still haven't found my motivation but today SOMETHING has to get done. So I'm going to fake it. I'm going to pretend that I LOVE cleaning my house. I'm going to crank the tunes and just go at it. Well that's the plan anyways, first I'm going to shower, that always makes me feel better.

Motivation

Where did all my motivation go? Is it hiding? I don't know, all I know is I can't find it. I feel no motivation what-so-ever to do....anything really. I've got my list all made, things to do, but as I look around I just can't find the motivation to get started. Call me lazy if you want it just seems like I see ten things the need doing, I immediately get fustrated and overwhelmed then nothing gets done. Then once I start something, part way though I find something else that needs doing so I start that, then part way through that I find something else that needs doing and I start that ect ect ect. Then when I look around it looks like I've done nothing and get fustrated all over again...... I get so mad at myself. Why can't I just see what needs doing and do it?? There is four days till we head out and ten million things to do, you'd think that leaving for vacation would be motivation enough but apparently it isn't. ARGH!!

Maybe my problem is looking at everything, I'll just choose one thing at a time and finish it. My goal today is....EVERYTHING...AHHHHHHHHHH....

Odds & ends

Decided to finish our taxes today, well sort off. 2003 taxes, we were pretty sure we would not owe and maybe even get something back. So I dug out all the pieces hoping for a refund to help us out in the finance department. Well when I finished I starred at the screen in disbelief, Rod owes....A lot. CRAP!! He was working 3 jobs in 2003, when you put them all together he wasn't paying enough taxes. CRAP. Have I said CRAP. I am so disheartened, seems like we will never get ahead. I know that I shouldn't worry because God will take care of us, it would just be nice to not owe anybody anything for a change.

Good news for all those out there that love slurpees but don't want to have all that sugar. 711 has a crystal light slurpee now, no sugar!! I had one tonight, it's pretty good!! I'm excited!!

Rod hurt his finger at work the other day and hasn't been able to wear his wedding ring. He is wearing it though, around his neck you ask? Yes, but no not around a chain, only my computer nerd husband would wear his ring around his jumpdrive(usb memory stick), yes folks, my husbands wedding ring is around computer stuff, AND he is wearing that computer stuff around his neck. I laughed so hard, when he asked me why I was laughing I looked lovingly in his eyes and said "have I told you lately....what a geek you are?" I fell in love with a computer geek, who would have thought?? LOL

Money.....uck.......

Well, looking over the finances has made me realize I need to start planning for the end of July when my maternity will be over. I do not want to go back to work, I feel my family right now is priority. That being said I have realized that I will need to be bringing in some income. What I would like to do is childcare, nothing big as I don't have the "official" training or certification. Just one or two kids(preferably full time, but really I could use anything), in my home. If anyone knows of anybody looking for childcare or hears of anyone, could you let them or me know please!! Thanks!!

Hmmm....I guess I could work evenings and weekends if I had to. I would still get all my time with Payton then, I just wouldn't seen Rod much but it wouldn't be forever.

Stupid A/C

So the Air conditioning on the van doesn't work. And I have come to realize that it's one of the expensive parts to fix. If it were just me I would probably complain a lot but suffer through summer without it, but Payton gets so hot and miserable. So I am debating, is it worth it? Right at this moment I'm indecisive, when it was 30deg+ out there was no hesitation. I hate decisions.

Oh, I forgot to mention the trip to Alberta we are leaving for next weekend, 12 hours one way.

Stupid A/C.

8:00: After careful examination of our finances we have decided there really is no choice to be
made. We just don't make the extra money.

Stupid money.

I'm doing it again

I'm letting my self worth be tied up in how well I run my household. When I was younger and much more naive, I had visions of what it would be like when I had a family. I would stay home with the kids, who were always well behaved. My house would always be spotless because really what else do I have to do? Dinner would be on the table for when my husband got home, so we could have a family dinner. And somewhere in there I still had time to play with the kids, and have ample time for me. Add in there something about saving the world and looking like a supermodel and you have summed up my life's ambitions 10 or so years ago.

Since then I've had several healthy doses of reality, I realize that life just harder than I thought. I know that I'm not a failure because my house is never spotless and I rarely have dinner ready when Rod gets home but I also can't help thinking that with Payton being 10 months old that I should have this a little more figured out by now. How come some days I still can't manage to get a load of laundry done?? I have one small child, what's going to become of me when we have another??

I am so thankful that God is 100% pleased with me, I don't have to live up to any expectations for him. Now if I could just let myself off the hook.....

ARGH!!

Tired, hot, fustrated at stepping over stuff, overwhelmed by the mess, stressed at the need to fix the airconditioning in the van, mad at the cat for waking up the baby, hungry, craving sugar...... ARGH!!!!!

Guess that whole "I'm ok with my mess" thing didn't last to long, ((((Sigh))))

Bragging again!

Payton started clapping yesterday!! She's so much fun!!

Well my nice neat house is a mess again. Actually the truth is our house was never completely neat. Our bedroom had become a catch all, there were many unpacked boxes and other stuff that had found it's way there when we didn't want to deal with it. Our dresser had never become organized so our clean clothes sat in piles around the room. It was my dirty little secret. Well it finally drove me nuts and Rod and I gutted the room on Mon. The only problem was we didn't have enough time to finish. So the bedroom is pretty neat, the living area now isn't. I refuse to put anything back in the bedroom to be dealt with later because I know what will happen. So it sits in my living area until I find a home for it. I figure it'll get done faster this way, as I can work at it during the day. When I can of course, generally Payton isn't all that keen on letting me be productive during the day.

The amazing thing is it isn't driving me crazy, I'm(for the time being anyhow) not feeling like a failure because my house is a mess. I don't care. Mind you if someone was to show up unannounced it might be a different story, but as of right now It's not bothering me, and I'm rather proud of myself. Just don't come over, LOL!!

Payton and her friend Zada from our trip to Vernon.

Searching for inspiration

Hmmm....I haven't blogged in a few days, not unheard of, but unusual. I just have had no desire to write, nothing what-so-ever to say. It's almost scary.

O.K....let's see.....Payton pulled herself completely up to standing today. She makes it up to knees frequently, and I've seen one foot and one knee before, but this is the first time she made it all the way up. You should have seen the grin on her face, she was very proud of herself!! We are pretty sure she started saying Monkey today. That would be her third word, that we are sure off anyways. Hi was first, then Mama, now monkey. Others that I have heard but am unsure if she said them on purpose are: up, kitty, hug, and of course Dada.

Yup, that's all I've got in me, maybe I'll post a pic.

Does anyone else find it humerous that blogger is not in bloggers dictionary?

You know, you try so hard to treat people with respect, to see Jesus in everyone. To be kind, considerate, loving, and tolerant. Then when people treat you or people you care about poorly you just want to throw your hands in the air and give up. I don't want to care and love people who treat others like crap. Where do you draw the line?? What is Grace and what is getting walked all over?? I get so tired of being kind and patient, I just want to yell and throw things sometimes. Be the self righteous, fly in your face bag that has no consideration for others feelings. GRRRRRR.....

Remind me please why I care??

Tagged

O.K. Last week I was tagged, meaning "I'm it!!" so now according to rules I have to share my ten favorite things. Then tag four others. I've finally finished, so here they are in no particular order....

My 10 favorite things

1. Rod: I love my husband, I love being married. It's fantastic and he is amazing!!

2. Payton: I feel blessed to be Paytons mom. She gives meaning to my life, being a mom is such a joy.

3. God: What would I do without him?

4. My Church: New Heights is my home more than anywhere else. No matter where we meet I feel peace just walking through that door.

5. Family: I have a great loving supportive family, love you guys!!

6. Friends: My "other" family. What would I do without you guys?? Again I don't even want to think about it!!

7. Taking pictures: I love being behind the camera almost as much as I hate being in front of it!!

8. Blogging: I love being able to share some of my world with others as well as get a glimpse into everyone else's world. The community that has formed around this is amazing.

9. Chocolate: This list just wouldn't be complete without it.

10. Sleep: Maybe it's just because I haven't been getting a lot of it, but sleep seems very important to me right now!!

O.K. now for the fun part, tagging others. I hope I don't double tag anyone. If you've already been tagged let me know, some of whom ROD are being party poopers. Anyways, Misty, Sue, Melody and Shannon....TAG your it!!

Then the time came when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

Anais Nin, found on Susan's site

Payton...Destroyer of sleep......

Strikes again....

The good news is I can feel the tooth coming through so it ****shouldn't**** be to much longer till we're back to normal. In the meantime she's been up almost every hour and for good at 4am. I'm crazy tired and poor Rod has to go work in a couple hours. I got up with Payton in hopes he can steal a few more zzzzz's. I don't want him operating any type of machine too tired!!! I'm not quite ready to make coffee in hopes that she'll go back down for a bit. Maybe I'm delusional but for the moment I like it that way. How can I accomplish anything if I can't keep my eyes open?

On another note, I just noticed my jammies are inside out.....

7:00: I swear, I'm going to lose it, I'm going to go insane. Or maybe the problem is that I already have....

Baby oh baby....

I think Payton is cutting a tooth, she is SOOOOOO cranky. All she wants to do is cuddle. I do love the cuddles but I also have a neglected house to clean.....

fustrated.

I NEED COFFEE!!!!!

I'm tired, oh so tired. After somewhat catching up on sleep at ladies retreat I have had a series of bad sleeps. I had planned on going to bed early last night but then I got sick. When I did finally get to sleep Rod got home(YAH!!!), but he woke me up(not yah!!). Then I had just gotten to sleep when Payton woke up, I think we have another tooth coming through because she has been CRAN-KY!!! Then she was up at 6:30. I put her down on the floor and sat on the couch only to promptly fall asleep sitting up....not good. Despite the incident yesterday, I decided I needed coffee to survive. Only to find we are out of high test, although there is decaf left(a lot of good that would do). I am now going to go search the cupboards again, WE HAVE TO HAVE COFFEE SOMEWHERE!!

Oh dear

My stomach is mad at me. After both checking the date and smelling my cream before adding it to my coffee earlier, I declared it safe for consumption. After pouring my third cup I added the cream and stared at it in confusion....Why is there chunks in my coffee?? I double checked the date, which was the 11th(yes of may), and smelled it again. Still seemed fine, so I opened it a little further and looked fully in. To my horror I found my cream was chunky around the entire edge of the container. I guess when I poured it earlier I just got the smooth stuff, the chucks stayed safely attached to the wall of the container. I thought to myself, uh-oh I'm going to pay for that later, and indeed, I'm hurting. So as a warning to all cream drinkers, I have discovered that spoiled cream can look and taste fine, do not be fooled. From now on any cream I drink will be inspected closely under a bright light.

OUCH!!

And he's off.....

Yup, Rod's gone again. Between me going to ladies retreat and him going on this trip I feel like I havn't seen much of him lately! Oh well, it's *supposed* to be a short trip....we'll see!!

UPDATE:

His flight was delayed for over an hour leaving Vancouver, now he's missed his connection in San Francisco and the next flight to Philly is at 8:30 tomorrow morning. So it'll be at least Tues till he gets home......I shouldn't have said anything!!

Yet another......

Your #1 Match: INFJ

The Protector You live your life with integrity, originality, vision, and creativity. Independent and stubborn, you rarely stray from your vision - no matter what it is. You are an excellent listener, with almost infinite patience. You have complex, deep feelings, and you take great care to express them. You would make a great photographer, alternative medicine guru, or teacher.

Your #2 Match: INFP

The Idealist You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world. Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships. It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close. But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop. You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.

Your #3 Match: ISFJ

The Nurturer You have a strong need to belong, and you very loyal. A good listener, you excell at helping others in practical ways. In your spare time, you enjoy engaging your senses through art, cooking, and music. You find it easy to be devoted to one person, who you do special things for. You would make a good interior designer, chef, or child psychologist.

What's Your Personality Type?

To all the mom's out there......

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!!!

Hope you have a great day!!

Tagged

So I've been tagged, see Shari's blog for more detail. And yes, I will comply but it may take a few days. I'm frantically getting ready to leave for Ladies Retreat(Rod is watching Payton solo!!! Isn't he wonderful!!) So I'll post when I get back. Have a good weekend all, I'M GOING TO GET SOME STRAIGHT SLEEP!!(hopefully!!) I just know I am going to go through blog withdrawel.....

Anybody watch The O.C??

Anybody want to admit it anyways?? It was good, it was REAL good. Just another prime time soap I know, but there's alot to be said for the odd bit of mind numbing entertainment. I am sooooo hooked!!

Spice party!!

Yes folks, I am having another party. This time it's spices. The company is called Epicure and the spices are really good and affordable. Great dips and dressings as well. I love that everthing is all natural without a bunch of chemicals!! Come check it out even if it's just to sample and visit!!

It's on May 15(sunday), 2:00, at my place!!

Hope to see you there.

Stunning discovery

Babies are not as wonderful as everyone thinks. Whew.... there, now it's out there. Sure they're cute and cuddly(sometimes), and can be alot of fun, but man do they cry and whine alot. Don't get me wrong I love my baby soooo much, she's amazing, but the truth be told I'm glad the "baby stage" doesn't last too long!!

Can you tell she's going through a MOM MOM MOM MOM stage. Only I will do and I'm not getting much else done. I am sooo thankful she wasn't twins or worse!!

Secrets

If you think your the only one in the world with secrets, check out this site I found linked on Shari's blog. Very powerful.

Warning: it's very real and explicit.

My first blinkie!!

Look what I've been doing instead of housework!! I'm so proud!

Darn quizzes, keep me coming back.....

I really liked these ones, probably because they said nice things about me!!

Your Birthdate: April 29

Your birthday on the 29th adds a tone of idealism to your nature. You are imaginative and creative, but rather uncomfortable in the business world. You are very aware and sensitive, with outstanding intuitive skills and analytical abilities. The 29 reduces to 11, one of the master numbers which often produces much nervous tension. This is the birthday of the dreamer rather than the doer. You do, however, work very well with people.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

You Are a Visionary Soul

You are a curious person, always in a state of awareness. Connected to all things spiritual, you are very connect to your soul. You are wise and bright: able to reason and be reasonable. Occasionally, you get quite depressed and have dark feelings. You have great vision and can be very insightful. In fact, you are often profound in a way that surprises yourself. Visionary souls like you can be the best type of friend. You are intuitive, understanding, sympathetic, and a good healer. Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Help

My landlords are finishing the backyard and have said they will make me some flower beds. I have been wanting to plant something lately, I'm not sure why I want to have a garden, the urge has never hit me before. The problem now is that I have no idea how to do anything to do with gardening!! Any suggestions?

Awakening

Payton woke tonight screaming like she was being murdered, I tried to get her to go back to sleep, to no avail. So I went and picked her up, the instant she was in my arms her whole body relaxed, she stopped crying, touched my face and tucked her head into my neck and closed her eyes. I melted, it's so wonderful to be loved like this. To all those people who hear about other people's children and wonder if they should have any, don't decide about what you see or hear, listen to your heart. There's a joy that comes with parenting that is indescribable, a feeling that can't be compared to anything. It's all consuming, passionate and soul wrenching. A little piece of me, my heart, mind, body, and soul is living outside me now. I never knew love could be so big.

So I sat with her curled in my arms, looking at her with awe, she's so perfect. I still cannot believe that I helped create something so beautiful, that I am her Mommy. It's an awesome gift and responsibility that God has given me, he must really trust and believe in me. I talked to her for awhile, telling her everything I loved about her, and as I talked her eyes opened a little and she watched me intently and with such adoration that I began to cry. I love her so much it hurts.

I heard God in this moment telling me that as much as I love my baby, he loves me, and more. I can hear him listing off one by one, everything he loves about me. I could feel him cradling me in his arms, gazing at me with awe. He's asking me why I feel such self loathing, for I am his child and am perfect. Everything about myself that I hate, he loves.

How can I be anything but perfect when God created me?? God wants me to learn how to love myself. I have seen myself now as he sees me, felt the warm fierceness of his love wrapped around me, I have no choice now but to hold my head up with confidence, for I am beautiful.

The Superstore Incident(x2)

Incident #1

Last Monday I was in Superstore buying groceries. Picking out some jarred baby food I accidentally knock one off the shelf. Sweet potatoe plunges to the ground with a nice smash. I step back automatically so the jar doesn't land on my foot instead sweet potato soaks my foot(and my brand new CLOTH flip flops), and the bottom of my jeans as the jar lands. @#*&$@(#). So I'm trying not to walk around because I don't want to a) leave the glass unsupervised b) spread sweet potato all over the store as I walk c) feel the sweet potato as it squishes between my toes. But as there is no one in sight I am forced to venture out to find someone to help. As I'm walking I glance down to see if I'm tracking gunk all over the floor and I notice my foot is no longer orange but red. Crap I'm bleeding. It didn't hurt but looked nasty as it bled a lot and mixed with the sweet potato to form a thick congealed looking gooey mess. Pretty I know. So finally by the cosmetics I find 2 employee's the first takes off to clean the mess. I then ask for something to clean my foot off with. She glanced down and almost freaked out(it did look pretty gross). She started asking if I was ok, can I walk, really really worried. I was fine, embarrassed-yes in pain-no. So she calls first aid(at this point I'm starting to get really embarrassed) who is the assistant manager, whom takes me to the back to check it out(you really can't see the cut at this point.) So here I am sitting in the back room with some strange man washing my foot. I was mortified, I kept thinking "at least I cut my nails". So finally he determined there was no glass in the cut and I was fine(I knew that) and let me go. I ran straight for the tills and got out of there. The cut never hurt,yet developed a nasty bruise all the way around it. I wasn't going to share this story because of my humiliation but after the incident today I felt I should, which leads me to

Incident #2

Back at Superstore, again buying jarred baby food. Being VERY careful not to knock any off. I have the food sitting behind Payton in a cart. As we are shopping she keeps turning trying to grab at the food. Being paranoid I move anything breakable to the bottom level, free from wandering hands. Minutes later SMASH, I can't freaking believe it. I don't know where she found that jar(yes it was sweet potato again), it must have been hiding, but she found it. I stare in disbelief at the floor in front of me and the sweet potato once again wedged between my toes(DIFFERENT fabric sandals @#$%@##*). I wait in horror to see if I'm bleeding, holding my breath. Finally I decide I'm not injured(THANK GOODNESS) and flag an employee working close by to clean up the mess. Quickly(ignoring my soiled foot) I move to the check out. As I am waiting in line I notice the assistant manager on duty, Yup-same one. If I had cut my foot again it would have been the SAME GUY washing my foot. Can you imagine?? As I'm leaving I have to walk by him, I make sure my foot covered with sweet potato is as hidden as possible and make move as quickly as I can without raising suspicion. I think I'm going to stay away from baby food for awhile. Good grief!!

Scary

The big question at bible study today was "how normal is your brain?". Hmmmmm.....not sure I want to go there!!

IS THIS FOR REAL???

Ikea

Would a weekend trip make it easier for anyone to go shopping???

Quizzes....gotta love them(thanks Shari!!)

What age do I act??? Apparently I act my age, go figure!!

You Are 25 Years Old

25 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13- 19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

I also have the brain of a girl, which is good!!

Your Brain is 86.67% Female, 13.33% Male

You have the brain of a girly girl Which isn't a bad thing at all You're emphatetic, caring, and in tune with emotions. You're a good friend and give great advice.

What Gender Is Your Brain?

This is my fav!!

You Are 45% Normal (Somewhat Normal)

While some of your behavior is quite normal... Other things you do are downright strange You've got a little of your freak going on But you mostly keep your weirdness to yourself

How Normal Are You?

If I were a crappy gift....

You Are Socks!

Cozy and warm... but easily lost. You make a good puppet.

What Crappy Gift Are You?

Who knew??

You Are Incredibly Logical

(You got 88% of the questions right) Move over Spock - you're the new master of logic You think rationally, clearly, and quickly. A seasoned problem solver, your mind is like a computer!

How Logical Are You?

MUST STOP!!!!!

And we have breakthrough!!!!

Yes folks it has finally happened!!

PAYTON HAS HER FIRST TOOTH!!

YIPEE!!


It's sad really how easily excitable I am.....

Home Again Home Again Jiggity Jig.....

My bed never felt so good.

After a long week of poor sleep without Rod home and a weekend of virtually no sleep I could almost hear my body saying thank you as I climbed into bed last night. I'm not sure if the air mattress was uncomfortable or if it was just my rock and roll baby but sleep eluded me this weekend. It was slightly better sat night, she went down pretty easily but we old folk stayed up visiting until late. Then she woke at 230 to eat and wouldn't go back to sleep in the crib. So in bed with mom she came, it was after 4 when she finally gave into sleep and then was up again by 7. It was after she finally fell asleep that I woke a) having to pee and b) with horrible heartburn. I did not want to move in case I woke her so I suffered in silence. Poor poor me. LOL, I'm so pathetic. Rod of course slept through much of this but redeemed himself by getting up with Payton at 7 and letting me get a couple peaceful hours of sleep!

Other than the sleep thing we had a really good visit. It went so fast, they live much to far away!! I'll post some pics when I find the camera(I'm thinking maybe Rod took it).

La la la la la la la la la la la(Think The Smurfs theme song)

There's a song out now about what it would be like if cartoons were saved. Kristen had to play it for me, it was pretty funny. Apparently though the smurfs theme song got stuck in Micah's head, he was humming it all day Saturday. Guess what's stuck in my head now??? AHHHHHHH......

Hello from Vernon!!

Well we made it safe and sound without any problems. Well, actually we left late because I had another migraine in the afternoon and Rod had a flat tire when he got into the Vancouver airport(Welcome home Rod, now change a tire in the rain). But once we got going everything was good. We've been having a good visit, although it seems we brought the rain with us.

Now for the rant part of my post, tell me again why my baby doesn't sleep?? When we arrived here last night it was after 12 and Payton woke up figuring it was time to get up and play. So we visited for a bit then tried to put her in the crib, not happening. I figured if she was in bed with us she would just cuddle in and sleep. Nope, I had one of the worst nights sleep I have ever had, she complained, kicked, patted, cried, wiggled, pulled, and rolled. She would not sleep!! Once I woke up in a panic because I could feel she wasn't under my arm and there she was sitting on the floor by the bed(we were on an air mattress) playing. When she saw I was awake she just smiled and chatted a bit at me, she was mighty impressed with herself. If this is how she is going to be when camping we are NOT going. AHHHHHH.

Then there's Zada. Quiet little content Zada who is awake for 1.5 hours then sleeps for 1.5-3 hours, is awake for 1.5 hours then sleeps for 1.5-3 hours ect ect ect ect. I wasn't aware that babies like this actually existed. Kristen had told me but I guess I didn't believe her, or didn't want to anyways!! Payton dug deep into the genepool until she found the red hair and temper to go with it. I still have no idea where it comes from. Don't get me wrong, I love my baby with all my might, she's got more personality and spunk than she knows what to do with but would it be so bad to sleep once in awhile???

I just pray she'll sleep a little better tonight, a little better, that's all I ask for.

Lets make a date....Otherwise known as Ikea trip

Misty didn't think you'd see my comment in my last Ikea post.

So, Is Tuesday good for everyone?? What time do you want to go, be back home ect??

Anytime is good for me. Let me know, either here or email me.

Darn

Rod was on 1st on standby to get home tonight, and wouldn't you beleive it EVERYONE showed up for the flight. Now he's not home untill tomorrow 1:30pm. Yuck.

Is my husband ever coming home??

I know it's only been a few days but it feels like he's been gone a really long time. Sappy I know, but I miss him. I never get much sleep when he's gone, I go to bed late because I hate to go to bed by myself, and once I go I have a hard time sleeping. He's the one on the trip and I'm exhausted!! Go figure. Thankfully he should be home tomorrow, late tomorrow, but still tomorrow. Then maybe I'll get some sleep....

Respect

My respect for my mom and all other single parents out there has grown immeasurable amounts since Payton was born. Parenting is hard enough when you have both parents supporting each other, I couldn't imagine doing it on my own. Single parents do not get the respect and acknowledgment they deserve. Thank you to all the those out there who have or are raising kids on your own, it is a tiring, selfless job. Thanks Mom, for caring enough to give and give and give, just to make sure I didn't miss out on anything, I just hope I can do as good of a job as you did!!

Ahhhhh!!!

So I am getting a migraine, for the second day in a row. What is going on? I caught this one right away so it shouldn't get to bad. Just had to share my misery with the world.....

Ikea

So who wants to go on a trip to Ikea and when would be good? I'm pretty busy this week, next week would be fine(except sat, as that's the Duke garage sale). We should go early and have Ikea's cheap breakfast together. It's going to be fun!!

Feeling Older

So I guess this goes along with getting older. We(Rod and I) did something I thought we never would. We bought a Mini-van.(Rod HATES Mini-vans or rather Mini-van drivers, see his blog for more details) It's 95 Dodge Caravan, about all we could afford. It does have air conditioning and power everything which is very exciting!! Our car is just to small to tote around everything a family requires, and having only one vehicle was a real hassle. We were debating getting another vehicle and knew there was no way we could afford something new. This vehicle came into the possession of a friend of a friend, the owners basically walked away from it because they didn't want to put any money into it. So it got a new transmission and some other work done and we bought it at a pretty reasonable price. So now we officially own a "family vehicle" and it is making me feel old!!!

Hey, I could be a driver on our trip to Ikea now!! Have we set a date yet?

Getting Older

So I have a birthday coming up and I havn't decided if I want to do something to celebrate, and if I do then what?? Any suggestions?

Grrrrr....

So after all my efforts to get us ready to go to Vernon, Rod's work tells him they're sending him to New York on Sunday. Howz that for warning?? All my fustration and overwhelm, for nothing NOTHING!! I was so looking forward to seeing Kristen!

Oh well, we are going to go next weekend(hopefully). And this time I am going to start packing before Thursday!!

AAARRRGGGHHHH!!!

Anyone hear of 8 month olds not napping???

Downward Spiral

It's amazing these days how little it takes to make my whole world feel like it's spinning out of control. I feel like I'm walking on a tightrope and one little wobble could send me flying.

I realized this morning that it's thursday, usally realizing that it's thursday it not a big deal. But when your leaving for Vernon on Fri and you suddenly realize you need to pack it's an "oh crap" moment. Ok I can do this, then realizing in order to pack you need clean clothes, hmm....laundry time. Baby crying. Then you find there is no spray'n wash left. Someone once told me sunlight works, ok, grab the dish soap. Payton picks today to be clingly, doesn't want to nap, doesn't want to entertain herself, grouchy unless I'm holding her AAAHHHHHHH. Realize I have to pick Rod up from work because I thought I was going to need the car....didn't. Overwhelm hits, call and cancel my plans for today. Baby crying again. Phone ringing. Baby down for a nap. Suprise 10min later baby up. Feed baby. Try to work on laundry. Baby crying. Phone ringing again. Notice my kitchen needs cleaning. Baby crying. Ignore kitchen. Working on laundry again, realize I havn't washed anything of Rod's. Baby crying. Put baby in crib, crying. Sit down try to calm myself down. Quiet, baby sleeping. Great now I can finish laundy. CRAP-havn't showered yet. Heading for the shower praying baby will sleep longer than 30min.

Update: No luck, she woke when I was in the shower, by the time I went to get her she was a little ball of rage ****sigh****

Shyness

I am shy, plain and simple, painfully shy at times. I've worked very hard at stepping out of my comfort zone and interacting more. I'm very happy with "safe" and "predictable" and "security". I need to know what to expect out of a situation or I get visibly rattled, the unknown freaks me out completly. I don't like to ask for help, even at a grocery store, I will walk in circles for awhile before I will ask where something is. I don't even like calling people on the phone, especially if I don't know them well. Even calling to order pizza is nerve racking some days. Some days I feel more shy than others. I think my confidence in myself is a factor, I worry people will see me as I see me. I worry I will say something stupid. I worry I will come accross in a way I didn't mean to. Recently I have been struggling, I know God wants me to reach out to people more, but I don't know how. People are busy living their lives and I don't want to intrude(hows that for self confidence, apparently I see myself as an intrusion). Yet I want for people to know I care, and want to lend support if it's needed. I'm not wise or have a ton of advice, but I have good ears, a comfy shoulder and a big heart. God made me this way for a reason and I'm sure he wants me to use my gifts(I don't fully understand them but I'm working on it). I just don't know how.

She's reverting

I just don't understand. This parenting thing is very confusing. Her sleeping habits are getting worse again, she was doing so well at one point, even sleeping through the night. Now she's back to being up at 11ish, and 3ish and 5ish. I'm really starting to feel run down again. I've been told she shouldn't NEED to eat at night anymore she just WANTS to. But she's so insistant and goes right back to sleep once fed. I just don't know, I hate it when she cries. So we are trying something new starting right now(Rod's feeding her), when she wakes up to eat she has to stay in her crib(I'm under suspicion she just wants the cuddles) she can eat but isn't allowed up. We'll see how that goes. If she's just up for cuddles(and I wouldn't blame her) she "should" wake up less. Who knows, this feels so hard.