"Yes, the climax of this story is right there where we realize that we live Him and that we mustn't reduce Him to a performance, a mere play to sit idly by and watch. No, we must push back the enemy of apathy and become Him as the lovers He created us to be, the very ones that accelerate goodness in this world by taking a hand in ours and by offering justice for the oppressed and dignity to the broken. And we'’ll wrap it all up in a package called simplicity.

So ultimately, if we trust the Rider when he says go, well, then, we can honestly rise above the mundane and the minutia and simply meet his gaze and say, so I go -– not past tense mind you, but a personal commitment in the form of an ongoing action verb, one of moving and loving and going with arms wide open."

This was an excerpt taken from a post on So I Go.

I found this very powerful. I have feeling dry lately. Almost spiritually dead. I find lately I have to remind myself to be thankful, to read my bible, even to pray. Which is scary because praying always came naturally, I just did it, sometimes with out even realizing I felt a need, stopped what I was doing and prayed. I'm in a slump. Nothing grabs me, nothing pulls me. I desperately need to find the restart button and try this all again. I'd seen So I Go's comments here and there and decided to check it out. It really gave me something to think about and ponder for today and I'm thankful for that. He really is an amazing writer, you should check it out.

Hmmm.....

Seems like all my Mondays are the same. I hate Mondays.

Yet another new game of tag....

The rules are as follows:

1. Go into your archive.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag five other people to do the same.

My 23rd post, 5th line is as follows:

"We didn't know if we were coming or going."

Hmmm....Yup, still applies!! hehe.

I tag, Misty, Sue, Mandy, Jenn, and Kaylyn. Have fun!!

Ok, lets try this again....

This post "disappeared" when I tried to post it. I hate that!! So here I go again!!

I wrote a blog this morning about all the things I've been worrying about lately. Blah Blah Blah. I've been letting myself get stressed out again. So I turned to my bible and am going to share what I found.


"But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit."
JEREMIAH 17:7-8

"Unless the LORD had given me help, I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death. When I said, "My foot is slipping," your love, O LORD, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul."
PSALM 94:17-19

"Jesus asked the boy's father, "How long has he been like this?"

"From childhood," he answered. "It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us."

" 'If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes."

Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"
MARK 9:21-24

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
PHILIPPIANS 4:6-7


"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."
1 PETER 5:7

Bad dreams

I had a dream last week that I can't get out of my head. I can explain it logically but my emotions are still very raw. I dreamt Payton had cancer. She was older, how much older I don't remember but she had been to Thailand so I'm guessing in her teens. She had undergone treatment after treatment and was getting sicker and sicker, nothing was working. The last thing I remember was holding her and crying together, she wanted to stop the treatments. She wanted to go live her final days with dignity in Thailand. That was her final wish, for her family to go with her and stay until the end. "I'm not afraid mom, I know I'm going to heaven and will see you there, but I need you to let me go". I can remember my mind racing and the enormous feeling of pain and loss. It still haunts me, I'm crying as I'm writing.

At that exact moment I woke up, Payton in real life was crying from her crib. It was like she knew I needed her. I went and held her close still crying and prayed over her. She cuddled in and indulged my need just to hold her. The rational part of me knows exactly where this dream came from, a friend from high school's dad is very sick with cancer, the last blogs I read before going to bed where Mitch's and Jill's about Thailand, and also I have had to say good bye before. My sleeping mind just put everything together in a very scary and very real way.

Normally I wouldn't let it bother me, my dreams have always been random and unexplainable. Until I got pregnant, I had a few very specific dreams while I was pregnant, some of which came true, some of which I'm still waiting to see the outcomes. I'll tell you about one in particular that freaked me out. I had an appointment to meet my midwives in a few weeks, I had never seen them and didn't know anybody that knew them, all I knew about them was their first names. In my dream I went into the clinic and met one first, she was older, tiny, and had long grey hair, then I met the other, she was middle aged with short black hair. There was more details that I don't remember now. Anyways I didn't think much of it when I woke. When I arrived at the clinic for my appointment I was amazed at how similar it was to my dream but wasn't really freaked out yet because many clinics look the same. When I met Denise I took a double take, she was exactly as I had seen in my dream, older, tiny and had long grey hair. Still I thought I could have just associated a midwife with the older grey haired mother/grandma figure. A little weird but not completely odd. It wasn't until I met Sylvia and she was exactly like my dream as well that I got a little freaked out.

So now dreams kind off freak me out. Mostly they've been back to my regular odd dreams nothing of any substance, until this one. And no I'm not pregnant in case you were wondering, still I can't help the feeling of dread, the what if? from worrying me. Now that I have had dreams come true, what if this one does?? I know it is unlikely and shouldn't worry myself, but lately I've been haunted.

I need to be thankful...

I'm thankful I've never known what it really means to be hungry.

I'm thankful that I'm healthy enough to notice when I have a cold.

I'm thankful that tonight I'm able to climb into a nice warm bed and not have to worry about a hurricane.

The simple things

Life's all about simple things right now. I'm striving to be thankful for something everyday, to see God in my daily life. Extraordinary God moments are phenomenal but they aren't what's going to keep me going on a daily basis. Yesterday, among other things, I was thankful for friends and being able to spend time catching up after way to long.

This morning I am especially thankful for:

-My husband who works extra hours to support Payton and I
-Friends who got home safe and sound from a restful vacation
-A baby girl who loves her Mama so much
-A warm cup of coffee with cream

I guess she took my advice....

Today I noticed Payton pulling at her mouth again and figured she must be working on her other top tooth. It's a fight to check as she doesn't like you poking around in her mouth and I can't blame her if it's sore. So after a short struggle I find not one, not two, but three new teeth just barely cutting through the gums!!! OUCH!!! So she's gone from having 2 teeth to 6 teeth in a week!!! Busy girl!!!

We sang a song in church today, well we sang many songs in church today but one struck me in particular. Amazing love. I love that song, have since the first time I heard it but today somehow I heard it differently, it's hard to explain. The line "it's my joy to honour you, in all I do, I honour you" really struck me. I really want to honour God in everything. I want my life to scream of my faith. I don't think it does and that stings. I need to remember that I'm not living my life for myself, I'm living it for God. Everything I think, everything I do needs to reflect that. We allow day to day life to get in the way of the joy we should feel everyday by living for God. I long to be where God wants me to be, close to him but I find myself floundering more often than not. I guess it's a constant longing for a more personal and obediant relationship with our Father. I'm just glad I've been given the gift of moments of clarity, so I can see what I'm striving for. I hope I never give up.

Amazing Love.

I'm forgiven, because you were forsaken
I'’m accepted, you were condemned
I'm alive and well, you'’re spirit is within me
Because you died and rose again


Amazing love, how can it be
that you my king would die for me
Amazing love, I know it'’s true
now it'’s my joy to honor you
Amazing love, carry me
My king would die for me
Amazing love, I know it'Â’s true
It'’s my joy to honor you
in all I do, I honor you...

You are my king...

It's about time!!

We finally after all these years called our wedding photographer about finishing our package or buying the negatives. They called back today and said they would sell us the negatives for $100. YEAH!! I'm finally going to get to make my wedding album!! And give pictures to family and friends who have been bugging us!! I'm SO excited, which I'm usually not about pictures but my wedding day I felt the most beautiful I have ever felt in my life, and I feel the pictures show it. YEAH!!

Our wedding, Sept 1, 2001. These aren't great quality they are just a couple of our proofs scanned.

Another wedding photo.

I think I might be in trouble...

I have noticed a theme in some of Paytons favorite things.

1. Shoes
2. Phones, any phones
3. Bags/purses

I put treehouse on tv for her so I could drink my coffee and check out the blogs, she decided that wasn't what she wanted to watch and was playing with the buttons. A few minutes later I noticed that the tv had been on one channel for awhile so I glanced over, she was sitting on her couch watching intensely. Guess what she was finding so interesting??? THE SHOPPING CHANNEL!!!!! Oh dear......

After much pain and agony.....

Yes, FINALLY, we have tooth number 3!!!!! (Insert clapping and enthusiastic congratulations here!!)

A little chaos in the morning

I had a bad nights sleep last night. I'll post about that later. It left me feeling groggy and sleep deprived which was a great start!!. The alarm goes off, which is another thing I've got to get used to again, alarm clocks, nasty things!! I get up, get Holly up and dressed. I am just about to do her hair when the phone rings. It's Shelley due to circumstances I'm not going to get into, she isn't going to make it to take Holly for breakfast and then to school. Ok, no prob, I can take her to school. Oh, Payton's up, and grumpy she is. "I can't carry you around this morning grumpy Gus". Ok, breakfast I can't send a kid to school without breakfast. Toast in. Lunch!! Oh shoot!! What can I send for lunch?? Dig around in the fridge, find enough supplies for a good sandwich and snack, phew!! Meanwhile toast burns!! AHHH.... Holly informs me Payton needs a change....badly!! Put new bread in the toaster, watch it like a hawk. Perfect!! Breakfast is on. Go to change Payton, discover she's leaked through and needs new clothes as well. Clean bum, clean clothes, check! Payton is following me around whining..... Ok, what else? Brush my hair and teeth. Remember I actually never got to Holly's hair. Do Holly's hair. Holly's jacket is in her mom's truck. Dig out a sweater of mine. Her lunch kit is also in the truck...hmmmm Check time.. OH MY GOSH!! We have got to leave NOW! Holly has to pee...quick...go!! Remember Payton hasn't eaten, grab cookies. Shoes on, Payton in arm, keys in the door, "Holly where are your shoes???" Upstairs!!! GO QUICK!! Run up to the van get Payton buckled, get Holly loaded. Drive quickly, but not to quickly!! Get stuck behind a school bus and go through 10 school zones. Arrive at the school at 8:28, first bell has already gone, final bell at 8:30. See Holly run in sweater 10 sizes to big with a plastic bag lunch......phew

Payton is now fed and napping, I'm going back to bed......

and another!

Your Icecream Flavour is...Chocolate!

You are the all time favorite, chocolate! Turning white kids black since the 1800s. Staining carpets, car seats, and bed sheets for centuries. One thing is for sure, you will never go out of style. You can't go wrong with chocolate!

What is your Icecream Flavour?

Find out at Go Quiz

Yet another.....

LOOK OUT! ���

Michelle McLatchy is a radioactive squirrel!!

Username:

From Go-Quiz.com

It has been awhile since I've posted a Payton pic, so I thought I would. This was taken on our vacation when we were at Paytons Great Grandpa's in High Prairie, Alberta. It's one of my favorites from the trip!!

%$#$%@*())_($(*&^#%

My camera won't turn on!! I'm SO upset. I wanted to take a pic of Payton, but the camera won't turn on, no light, no anything. So I charge the batteries figured they're dead. Try again, nope....nothing!! What am I going to do without my camera????? ((((SOB))))

I know it's just a "thing", but to be honest it is one of my only "things" I care about. DARN IT!! Rod says it might be the switch, I hope so because we cannot afford a new camera!!!

*&!#@$^*!!$^%$^@&*!!!!

I am a brown Kangaroo....????

BROWN You are usually very straight-forward. You have a passive personality and enjoy nurturing those around you. You are very grounded and prefer to keep things simple and honest. Find out your color at Quiz Me!

Take the 100 Acre Personality Quiz!

Big thanks to Misty and Sue!!

Today I got to go on a date!! YAH!! Thanks so much to Misty and Sue(and family) who watched Payton so Rod and I could sneak out for a few hours to celebrate our Anniversary. Yes it's been 4 years already!! I think Payton tired them out! She is rather busy!! She was SO tired she feel asleep on the way home. We fed her, let her play for about 5min and put her to bed. I haven't heard a peep!!

We went to the Olive Garden in Langley. It was SO good. They have non stop soup and salad. And the soup(Zuppa Toscana) is the reason we go. YUM!! Then we went to a movie. The first one in well over a year!! We saw 40 year old virgin. It was actually really funny. Warning: It has a lot of swearing and crude language. But if you don't mind that it was full of laughs!!

I think we should do it again before a year is up! Does anyone know a good babysitter?? I have no idea about who babysits and what the going rate is. I guess I should get it figured out. It's just that I have never left Payton with anyone who wasn't family or close friend before. And the amount of times could be counted on fingers.....I guess I've been a little nervous!! It'll have to happen sometime....

Another test!!

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

I think I should see this movie....

What Classic Movie Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

Expectations

I think I have finally figured it out. My issues aren't with life, rather with my expectations of life. And I think that's an all encompassing statement. My expectations are too high, expectations of myself, my life, my husband, my kid, even God. When your expectations are that high it's much to easy to get disappointed and disillusioned. So how does one go about lowering expectations???

Found this while blog surfing...too funny!!

Ode to a dearly departed friend

O Night of uninterrupted sleep, O Night of uninterrupted sleep,
Where for art thou, O Night of uninterrupted sleep?
Our relationship is gone and I miss it dearly.
You must have been jealous of my children because you left when they were born.
You have abandoned me when I needed you most and introduced you evil twin,
Night of waking up to feed baby, rock baby, comfort preschooler after nightmares, change wet sheets.
Did I take you for granted? Most assuredly, but if you come back to me I promise never to take you for granted again.

found it here.

Days off.....or are they?

So for today I have no kids. Well I have mine but if I only considered days off days without Payton I almost never would have days off!! So I have very few of these anymore and a list as long as my arm of things I'd like to accomplish.

Darn, she doesn't think it's time to nap. Will continue later.

K, I'm back. For the moment she's happily pulling every DVD we own out of the cupboard. I really need to get a lock on that.....

The problem being I never feel like I accomplish anything. Maybe I set my goals to high and get fustrated and overwhelmed. Maybe I just don't do enough. I don't know. What I do know is I must get something ANYTHING accomplished today or I will be cranky come evening. So all I ask is to finish the kitchen, get all the toys put away, everything out of the livingroom that doesn't belong, and the table cleared off, oh and some laundry, Payton's room needs some help, the bathroom needs cleaning, I need some "me" time, and some Payton and Mommy time, and hmmm...maybe I should get some breakfast, I'm going to need the energy.....

Now if Payton would only go for her nap....

Oops...this got long...

Sat night we went and had dinner with Misty and Phil. It was nice, with hectic work schedules and busy lives it feels like we never see them anymore. I guess it just feels weird when something that was a regular part of your life becomes almost non-existent. I think I've been mourning my "old life" a little bit. I wouldn't change having Payton for anything but I can't help but remember "the good old times" once in awhile. I think it's just part of the adjustment to this new phase of my life. I think I need to mourn a little to move on completely with peace. Does that sounds bad? I must admit to feeling a little guilt when I'm wishing for more sleep, or more time to myself. I just want to get this place organized and I can't seem to accomplish anything with a beautiful baby always wanting to be part of what I'm doing(anyone want to steal a baby for a couple of hours?? She's cute and very amusing!!). And I can't say no when all she wants is to play with me, one on one time with mom has also gotten more scarce recently and I want to make sure she gets enough mommy time. It's a balancing act that I haven't quite gotten the hang of, like a clown learning to juggle. I'm sure I'll get there but patience seems to be hard to come by lately!!

Anyways sat night was really nice as I already said. Misty took Payton right away and I was instructed to sit and relax. That felt really weird I kept asking if there was anything I could do, as there is always something I could be doing at home!! As I watched Misty interact with Payton as she fed and even bathed her I tried to imagine what the person growing inside her will be like. Boy or girl?? Laid back or feisty? As much as I want her to enjoy her pregnancy part of me just wants to meet this new person now!! A little later Phil was playing with Payton, it was too cute. She would take off away from him and he would stop her, she would squirm and complain until he put her down. Then with a mischievous look she would laugh, glance at him to make sure he was looking then take off again. Over and over this played out, I was howling with laughter. Again I thought of the growing baby. That is one lucky baby to have such wonderful people waiting for and loving it already. Yes a baby is a gift from God, but so are wonderful loving parents. Their lives are changing in ways they can't even comprehend, but in a beautiful, magical way. I have said a few times over the last year that all the excitement over a coming baby is like false advertising(obviously said during a hard time!!), that nobody prepares you for the reality. When the reality is you can't be fully prepared. But I don't feel that way anymore. I honestly am excited for them, for this journey they are on. It may not be what they expect but the rewards are so much greater. Payton is the best thing that has ever been given to me, besides grace!! The joys of motherhood far outweigh anything I have had to give up, it still amazes me that she is my daughter, she is so incredible!! All this joy over coming babies has helped me to find my daily joy again, helped remind me of my purpose and focus for right now. Raising my daughter, being thankful for my gift.

Thank you Lord for Payton, watch over her, help her to grow into a strong woman of the Lord!! And thank you for the gift that is growing inside Misty, help the baby to grow healthy and strong and help Misty to be happy and healthy throughout her pregnancy. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

!!!Warning!!!.....Vent ahead......

So I'm feeling a little crazy today. And why are you sharing this you ask? Well, to see if I actually am indeed crazy or perhaps just a victim of kids and heat and disorganization. I suspect the latter, although it would be much easier to declare myself insane and take a nice vacation in a padded cell, where I could actually catch up on my sleep.

I feel lost. Like a little bit of chaos has been slipping in day by day until BAM!! I feel like I am completely lost. Well maybe lost isn't the word......overwhelmed, disorganized, like a failure, dirty(in a messy sort of way), alone, and yes- crazy. Why am I still so disorganized? Payton is over a year and I still can't seem to figure out this whole stay at home mom thing. Why can't I keep up with the laundry(there's only 3 of us!!), dishes(again only 3 of us and we have a dishwasher!!), clutter, meals, ect ect ect. ARGH!! What am I doing if nothing is getting done? Or maybe my issue is lack of motivation, with the few moments I steal for myself I DON'T WANT TO!! I don't want to cook or clean!! I want to spend time with my husband, or sleep, or have a bath.....Am I just being selfish?? There has to be a happy medium, I just can't find it. I have been making a conscious effort to have quality family time, but with so much that needs to be done I can't relax and enjoy it. This excuse for a home is driving me insane!!! Geez, would you listen to me?? I need to stop complaining and just start doing. ACK.......see Michelle cleaning...happily.... :).......

Now that they have told(finally!!), I can do this.......

CONGRATULATIONS TO MISTY AND PHIL!!!!!

on expecting their first child!!! Due in April, good month!!!

We are so excited for you guys!!! Lots of love and prayer headed your way!!

Odds and Ends

So life feels pretty hectic lately. Hectic and overwhelming, but not in an entirely bad way, just different. I've never been one that adjusts to change very well, I'm happiest with complete security, always knowing what is coming. Yes I know that sounds boring but I just can't help it. So quitting my job really through me for a loop. There was no way I wanted to go back there, I know this is so much better, and I'm feeling a lot better about it than I have been recently. I still have moments of panic when I start thinking about finances and the fact that buying a house will probably be years from now. I just have to trust God to take care of us, and I know he will, yet I still struggle, but it's getting better. I have to figure out some sort of schedule and get my house organized so although I may still be overwhelmed from time to time, I won't feel like I'm in chaos all the time!! Besides a friend told me that life after kids stays overwhelming, that's why we need to lean on each other. Which sounds like good advice to me!!

On another note, we went to the lake yesterday. My plan was to grocery shop and work on my house yesterday, but when Misty invited us to go to Hayward lake we couldn't resist. We realized we hadn't been to out to the lake for the day in two summers!!, and with summer almost being over we figured we needed a day out. I actually went swimming, swam most of the way across and back. It felt so good, I came home feeling refreshed. My house was still a mess but my body and soul felt better!! Payton isn't much for the water yet, I'll have to get her into the water more to get her used to it. I am so tired this morning, Payton has had a couple rough nights. She woke several times last night just screaming I really had to work to calm her down. I'm not sure if those darn teeth are finally coming through or what but man I'm not used to severely interrupted sleep anymore. Sleepy....((((((yawn)))))))).......Oh and speaking of Payton, she's started walking!!! Just a few steps at a time, but her confidence and number of steps are growing quickly. Pretty soon I'll have a toddler!! Anyways that's enough for now!!

Ah......What???

A conversation recently had with Holly(7)

I am cleaning out Payton's room, boxing up to small clothes ect.

Holly: "What are you going to do with all Paytons too small clothes?"

Me: "Either we'll lend them to someone else who has a baby girl or hang on to them for when we have another baby"

Holly: "And how do you do that?"

Me: after a moments hesitation "Do what?"

Holly: "Have a baby"

Oh dear...

Me: "Um, what part exactly?" (I didn't know if she knew anything at all)

Holly: "Well you have to go to the Docter right?"

Me: "yes"

Holly: " We'll do you just tell him that you want a baby and he gives you a shot or something?"

Oh double dear.....

Me: "Well, no, you need a Mommy and a Daddy to make a baby."

Holly: "yeah, well how does it get inside?"

Oh CRAP, how did this start???

Me: "Um, well it's hard to explain, I'm not sure if your mom would like me to explain it to you"(hows that for dodging a question?

Holly: "Oh, hmm.....what can be so hard about it?"

Then lets it drop, thank goodness, I SO am not ready for that!!

A single thread in a tapestry
though its color brightly shines
can never see its purpose
in the pattern of the grand design.
and the stone that sits up on the very top
of the mountain's mighty face,
does it think that it's more important
than the stones that forms the base?
So how can you see what your life is worth,
or where your value lies,
ohhhh, you can never see through the eyes of man
you must look at your life
look at your life through heaven's eyes.
lai-la-lai...through heaven's eyes(2X)
A lake of gold in the desert sand
is less than a cool fresh spring,
and to one lost sheep, a shepard boy
is greater than the richest king.
should a man lose everything he owns
has he truly lost his worth?
or is it the beginning
of a new and brighter birth?
So how do you measure the worth of a man
in wealth or strength or size?
in how much he gained or how much he gave?
the answer will come to ya
to look at his life through heaven's eyes.
lai-la-lai...through heaven's eyes(2X)
and that's why we share all we have with you,
though there's little to be found,
when all you've got is nothing
there's lots to go around!
No life can escape being blown about
by the winds of change and chance
and though you never know all the steps
you must learn to join the dance
you must learn to join the dance
lai-la-lai...through heaven's eyes(repeat until fade)

Through heaven's eyes, on the Prince of Egypt soundtrack

You never know where you are going to find words of wisdom, right when you need it. In this case, sitting down to watch a cartoon....

Well, Payton had her 1 year check up today. "My baby" is 26lbs 12oz, 31 inches. Is that big?? All I know is that she's healthy, that's what's important!!

Where did you think you would be?

When I graduated I had high hopes and goals for myself. Or did I? I often wonder whether all the things I wanted for myself were my hopes or those of people around me. Regardless somewhere they became mine.

I was that kid who got good grades and seemed to get along with everyone. I didn't have a "crowd", I was friends with people from all different crowds. All my teachers and friends thought I'd "make something" of myself. What does that mean?? Does that mean being a doctor or a lawyer with high status and a high paycheck?? Or someone who gives a lot without expecting anything in return?? I don't know.

What I do know is I have spent a lot of time reflection on my life recently and I am definitely not where I thought I'd be by 26. I thought I'd have a career, not just a job but a career. Now, I think in my head the fact that I don't even have a job anymore is making me feel like a failure. I've received my last maternity paycheck and am now officially unemployed. Yes I realize that Payton is a full time job and if I was working I'd have to pay someone else to do it. But I have the internalized success driven model in my head of life should look like. After being the main money earner while Rod went to school and found a job, to having a baby, to being a stay at home mom has been a shock to the system. This is what I want, what we want for our family, still I have lingering feelings of worthlessness. Money is going to be very very tight, and I feel funny not contributing on that aspect. I will have some daycare, but does not make me feel secure. Maybe this is a fear of change thing but this morning I found myself freaking out about our future.

I guess where I thought I'd be by now wasn't realistic for me and I have to accept that without letting failure sit on my shoulders. I wonder sometimes if I've disappointed my friends and family with what I've done with my life. If I will be one of the ones at our 10 year reunion that everyone will be surprised at my life, the "oh she had so much potencial" girl.

I have so much to be thankful for. I'm sure that one day I'll look back and see this period in a different light. I am enjoying this time with my daughter I am just unsure where our daily living expenses are going to come from. I guess I am hanging onto something that I don't need to. I need to let go and let God. And I am trying, but I'm just not there yet.

Payton's first birthday

Well, we survived the first birthday party. It was busy but good. I didn't have much time to visit with everybody but I think that it went well. She had a great time and was spoiled rotten. Here she is eating her cake(and making a big mess!!) what fun!!

Guess who's birthday it is today??

Happy Birthday to Tysey!!!

Hope you have a great day!!

Life can be SO hard....

I talked to a friend today, someone I've known a long time but haven't talked to in awhile. She's going through some really, really tough times. I stopped and thanked God that even though I sometimes think I have it hard that I really don't, I have it so so good. I'm not going to mention any names but she could really use some prayer. For strength and perseverance, as well as the essentials like food and shelter for her and her kids. I also really want to introduce her to Jesus and feel like the time might be getting close where she would be receptive. I think that the only way she's going to make it is to find the strength to lean on God. All I can do right now is pray, and provide some support.

I was going to post some pictures of Paytons 1st.....1st birthday party?? That sounds strange!! Anyways the party with the relatives back in Alberta. But then I realized that all the pictures are on Rods laptop which is at his work. So that will have to happen sometime later. The Party was really nice. Chloe(my cousin) turns 2 on the 21 of July, so it was a joint birthday party. We went shopping the week before and found matching shirts for all three girls(Darby, my other cousin is 3.5). It was so cute!! Trying to get them to sit in one place and get a picture of all three in their matching shirts was another story! There were relatives there who hadn't met Payton before, it was great to see them!!

Anyways we are having her "at home" party this Sun afternoon. If anyone's interested in coming that I haven't mentioned it to please let me know!! It's just a casual barbecue, I can't believe she's already 1!!!

Just posting so i can change my pic.

Payton hates bath time??

My little girl who used to love bath time has decided that she HATES it. She used to have a great time, it was one of the only times when she was younger that she wasn't fussy. Then about a month ago she decided she didn't like having her hair washed then gradually it became I hate bath time altogether. She cries and screams when you give her a bath. What's with that?? Is it normal for a small child to change their mind about something so suddenly and dramatically without warning?? Very perplexing.....

Home again, home again....

Yup, we made it back!! Safe and sound. I am tired. Hmm...that doesn't quite convey enough emotion. I am TIRED!! There, that's better. I had a little nap this afternoon, when Rod came to get me up I wasn't pleasant. Poor Rod!! Actually I take that back. I had an appointment I had to go to this afternoon, Rod stayed home with Payton. I had been talking recently about re-arranging the furniture in the bedroom and organizing it because it drives me crazy. Rod decides that a good way to unpack is to organize the bedroom. I get home and there is stuff everywhere, the bed I so desperately want to crawl into is in parts. I could have cried. All I wanted was to unpack in a somewhat neat manner, and go to bed. Now there is STUFF all over my house. AHHH!!!! It was tidy when we got here. Honest!! Oh well, as long as the bed is back together at bedtime I'll be a happy girl!!

My excitement for the day was ALMOST hitting a deer. It was just a fawn, still had it's spots. I almost hit Bambi!! It was the closest I have ever come to hitting anything. I would have been devastated!! I had just been thinking that the only wildlife I had seen in awhile had been dead when all of a sudden there was a deer right in front of me. I swerved to the right hoping to give it enough time to cross, and it hesitates. OH CRAP!!! I went as far as I dared to the right then headed back into my lane and it continued out of lane just in time!!! I continued down the road for a few seconds and pulled over. I had to start breathing again!! I was freaked right out!! I woke Rod up with my swerving, tire screeching, and swearing, but Payton slept right through!!

Anyways there is other things to say but I better go see if I can wake up enough to get some organizing done tonight. Either that or head to bed........

To my beautiful daughter

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

At this moment one year ago today we were in the hospital for "observation". It was about now that my midwife checked me and I caused chaos by being fully dialated and ready to push after only 2 hours and not being actually admitted to the hospital. "OH" I said "you mean that searing pain in my hips is the babies head pushing them apart?? Interesting". At 8:11 my beautiful Payton was born weighing 8 lbs 4 ounces, with what felt like a HUGE head. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY LOVE!!

Greetings

So, I can hardly believe tomorrow is Paytons birthday. She's going to be a whole year old!!! I was trying to remember what I was doing last year at this time. Rod was just just home from a business trip, and other than the braxton hicks contractions I had been having all week I was feeling pretty normal. Well as normal as a 37 week pregnant woman can feel!! It wasn't until 5 am tomorrow morning that I even had an inkling that I would be having a baby early. Wow, this year has gone fast!!

Our week has been going well. I ended up at the walk in clinic yesterday because my pain from having my wisdoms removed started getting worse(and spreading) instead of better. I'm now taking antibiotics and it seems to be improving. I've been having a bad hair week. I think the change in climate is doing a number on my hair, I can't get it to look decent to save my life. Oh well, I should have brought a hat. We went to the parade on Wed, it was a lot of fun. Payton loved the marching bands and the horses. She was actually pointing and clapping. So fun!!

I've been thinking about vacations, what used to be and what is. Vacation with a toddler is not relaxing. If I wanted to catch up on sleep I should have stayed home. Payton just isn't sleeping well. And with my mouth being so sore I haven't been sleeping well either. So we've been having some naps but I don't want to spend all my visiting time sleeping. I guess my point is that if anyone wonders why people with children are so tired after vacation they must not have children.

Anyways, I'm going to get back to my visiting now. Hope everyone is doing well!!

Well..............

We made it!! I can tell I'm getting older by how I react to one night without sleep. It about does me in!! And yet I'm still up!! We are having a good time. Payton is having a blast. A whole new toy filled space to explore, complete with a pair of cousins to help her find new mischeif. I'll be on more later just wanted to check in. I was going to write something else but now am starring blankly at the screen....time for bed......

How much ice cream can one girl eat.....

Well, not only ice cream.......jello, pudding, milkshakes, and yes some actual "real" food(like soup) thrown in there. I am doing ok at the moment. Thanks everyone for your prayers and positive thoughts!! It was actually kind of a neat experience with all the machine's they had to hook me to. It was all new to me!! I got a bit freaked when I was starting to come to and they were still working. I couldn't open my eyes but I could feel them working in my mouth(no, there was no pain). I started to freak out a bit, but I really couldn't even move so it was mostly all internal. I must have managed to make a couple noises and I know my eyes were starting to water because I remember someone saying it was ok, they were almost done and I was doing really well. Then I must have gone back under, whether they gave me more drugs to knock me out again I don't know. The next thing I knew it was done. I was shaky and had that recent panic feeling lingering. It felt surreal. I was SO SO SO glad Rod had taken the day off to be there for me.

Anyways they put like a pound of gauze in your mouth and tell you not to take it out until you get home. It tastes bad, REALLY bad. I'm not sure if it was the gauze, the blood, the antibiotic, or a combination but I was dieing to get that stuff out of there. But we had to stop and get my prescriptions filled, buy food I can eat, and stop for a frosty of course!! So I get home and run to the bathroom to pull that junk out of my mouth and remember to check my "instructions" on post surgery care of my mouth. NO rinsing NO brushing NO spitting for 24 hours!! You've got to be kidding!! So I ran back into the kitchen for some ice cream to get rid of that nasty flavor in my mouth. YUCK. Feeling a bit dizzy I went for a nap. I was pretty tender for awhile, but I've been using ice packs and taking my drugs and I'm pretty good now. Still sore and a bit swollen but it could be SO much worse. I did brush my teeth, just could not go all day without, but I just did my front teeth and my tongue. It felt SO much better. I just hope it doesn't get worse tomorrow!!

I'm so glad you can't grow more wisdom teeth. IT'S DONE!!!!

Hey!! Remember me??

Yeah Yeah, I know it's been awhile. I have some catching up to do. But not tonight. Tonight all I can think about is in 9 hours I will be unconscious to the world getting my wisdom teeth out. AAAAHHHHHH!!!! I'm more than a little freaked out. I've never been put under before AND I've never had surgery before. I'm not a big fan of the unknown, or pain for that matter. So please please please pray for me. That I don't act like a big wuss and that everything goes well. Thanks.

Then bring me chocolate....Preferably in liquid form......

26 years ago today....

Singing loudly.....


Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to Misty
Happy Birthday to you!!

And many more.....

Hope you have a great one!!

LOVE YOU!!!

IT'S OFFICIAL!!

I'm in trouble. Payton is "officially" crawling!! She finally figured out how those legs work!! She is currently stalking the cat, who isn't impressed!!

And we haven't finished baby proofing!! Oh dear!!

I can't imagine

There's a parenting message board I visit where all the babies are all about the same age as Payton(they were all due in July or Aug). I started visiting when I was pregnant but had to stop because everything that was happening to others was freaking me out. I still go back and check in to see how all the other babies are doing. Yesterday there was a pole about how our babies get to sleep. I was amazed to find that over half of those parents still rock/nurse/sing ect their babies to sleep all the time and many more that do it sometimes. At a year!! Can you imagine?? I guess if your ok with that whatever works, but Payton got to heavy to rock to sleep forever ago!! There was only 20 something percent that put baby to bed awake and let them fall asleep on their own. WOW!!

UPDATE: I just wanted to add to this because upon re-reading it I feel like I'm coming across pretty harsh. I don't mean to imply that putting the baby to bed awake and letting them fall asleep on their own is the "right" way to do it. I didn't mean to judge anybody. Different things work for different people. We used to rock or nurse(or a combination of the 2) Payton to sleep when she was younger. She was to easily distracted by surroundings(not to mention heavy) at 3/4 months old that she refused to fall asleep in our arms anymore, no matter how much rocking or singing we did. I guess that it just feels like that was so long ago I couldn't imagine still doing it now. I failed to realize that this was reality for many parents and I apologize if I made anyone feel like I was attacking their parenting. That was definitely not my intent!!

Sunday

I just wanted to say to the youth I think you guys did a great job at church on Sunday!! Mitch, TJ, Jordana, Kim, and the band, You guys did awesome. I could see God in you guys and I am so encouraged by our future because our youth are sooo amazing!! Keep it up guys!!

Where's the Passion?

If you havn't read this post of Scotts, you should.

I've been attacked. At least that's what it felt like. WHAM, throwing me right off my feet. I fell hard into a pit of self loathing and worthlessness. This week has been good, lots of connections with God and soul searching. God has put me into situations this week where I felt confirmations in my growth and a desire to seek my direction in Christ. Not everything is rosy but I'm feeling the healing touch of God and hearing his encouragement louder than satans lies. I wonder about the timing of this attack. Did I just let my guard down because I've been feeling better or is my growth and relationship with God being closely monitored by Satan? Am I being hit hard now because I'm trying to focus more on God now and less on my own crap? Or I am I just being self involved? All I know is Rod and I prayed, reached out to God for help and within minutes I was up, feeling stronger and stronger by the minute. Thank you God for your strength and love and healing touch.

Christine's depression never seeems to end
Cause she'll never be as skinny
As the girls on ''Friends''
She's got fat hips and thin lips, she's jealous of a Q-Tip
She'll take stupid over fat
She stuck her fingers down her throat for the very last time today.
And she walked away.

Malcom's got his image: his rock and his glock
And if he lives to see 20, he will beat the clock
He's got his ride and he's fried and girls by his side
He makes a stand with his gun in his hand
He saw his best friend lying on a stainless steel tray.
And he walked away.

And the destination's clear: anywhere but here.

Doesn't matter that you're lying in the gutter
It doesn't matter that your brain's all cluttered
It doesn't matter that you're covered in scars
You're never in the gutter with your eyes on the stars.

Better walk away
walk away

So walk away from the boyfriend who bruises
And the shame of the game that your brain knows you're losing
And that job that you do that just robs you of who
You can be when you're free of this mentality.
So you're home by the phone getting stoned all alone
With your chat room friends, your Korn and Ramones
But the phone don't ring and Joey just sings sedated
You gotta learn to hate it.

Doesn't matter that you're lying in the gutter
It doesn't matter that your brain's all cluttered
It doesn't matter that you're covered in scars
You're never in the gutter with your eyes on the stars.

Walk Away- Barlow

You never know what's going to pull you up. The chorus got me thinking, no matter how low I get or how lost I feel as long as I focus on God and look to him for help there is hope. I need to "walk away" from the thoughts keeping me captive and the devil speaking lies in my ears. Not waste my time, just walk away.

There are some amazing Post Secrets this week. Check them out here.

Aunty Misty and I took Payton on her first "summer" outing to the water park in Abby. She looked SO cute in her swimsuit!!

We did NOT like the water park. Cold water flying everywhere.....GET ME OUTTA HERE!!!!

Watching the kids

Today I woke feeling optimistic, that's an emotion I haven't felt for awhile. I've made it through and am feeling pretty good. I know it's not gone, I've been through this enough times to know better but I'm at a place where I can think straight again. It feels wonderful. When I'm down in one of my pits I feel like I'm going insane and wondering why I haven't gone to see the doctor. Everything feels like it's spinning out of control. I read recently on Nikki's blog something that is reassuring, LOL, that crazy people don't question their sanity. So I must be ok!!

God has been helping me do an evaluation of myself. I think I need to try leaning on him more and taking care of myself and see what happens. I need to be absolutely sure that I need "professional" help before I ask for it. I haven't been taking good care of myself, nor have I been surrounding myself completely with God. Don't get me wrong God is in my life daily and I lean on him for support but I think I've always got a foot sticking out from the covers that I'm still trying to support myself with.

So here's the plan. I am going to get more sleep. I know I can't function properly on low sleep so why am I going to bed so late? I think I'm creating for myself a crutch, if I'm low, or having an unproductive day I can always say I'm tired. Payton has been sleeping through the night for a month now, there is no reason for me to be so exhausted anymore. I am going to get exercise. My mind doesn't function well if I'm ignoring my body, I need to put exercise back on my priority list. I am going to bathe myself in God's word. I think I need to start my day with the Lord, take stock of my negative thoughts and emotions and replace them with positive scripture. I know much of my problem is letting Satan put negative thoughts in my head when I'm not paying attention, then by the time I notice everything seems so bad I can't handle it. Especially thoughts about myself, my self worth and self esteem get so low that it's scary. I need to be more aware or myself on a daily basis. I get so wrapped up in other things I neglect my emotional self. I'm going to re-start reading Battlefield of the mind(I started reading it in the middle because that's where they were when I started bible study.), there's good stuff in there that's exactly what I need to hear!!

Anyways that's where I'm at. If I work, really work, at keeping myself level and I still can't handle it then I'll deal with that. I don't believe I've REALLY been working at it. I work to come out of my pit but never at prevention. God has been working at showing me things that were keeping me under, that were keeping me from being closer to him. I think with his help I'll be able to work through some of my crap.

So today's job, work on my very neglected house. How does one so NOT naturally organized LEARN to be organized?

Apparently I've been the victim of bad fads. Find out if you have here.

A little to much reality for a Friday, sorry about that....

Looking back I'm not sure when it started. I can only tell you that as long as I can remember it follows me, I am constantly looking over my shoulder in fear I have lost myself again. I have prided myself in the fact that I have never had to depend on anyone else, I have always managed to work through things on my own. I've pulled myself out of countless pits and patted myself on the back for a job well done. I have become so skilled at telling people what they need to hear in order to think I'm fine that I end up convincing myself that I am as well. Then when I end up back where I was or worse I feel blindsided, shocked and unprepared. You can only run into the same wall so many times before giving up. I've given up. I hadn't realized it until recently but I have. I've accepted my reality as truth. I've lost my fight and chosen to live in fear and stand firmly paralyzed where I am while the world moves around me.

Rod told me recently that I'm hiding again, in a physical sense. I had to stop and think about it but he's right. I'm not calling people or returning phone calls, I don't answer the phone or my emails. I go out more so people won't ask me why I'm not going out than for actually going out. I have no desire left, I feel joy so rarely now I don't bother looking. I had actually convinced myself that this was normal, that life was supposed to suck all the happiness and pleasure out of living, that if you kept putting one foot in front of the other you were winning. I think I'm tired of being fine, of saying I'm fine, of pretending I'm fine. I feel like such a fake, I've always been the one people come to for help, for advice, or just a sympathic ear. I've always been the wet shoulder, someone safe to lay your head on and cry. I've come to see that much of the advice I give I don't follow or believe myself. It was all well meaning and said in much love yet I can't take my own advice. What a hypocrite.

I am so thankful I know God and I thank God for Payton. Through God and Payton I still feel moments of great joy, even for a moment it is something to hang on to. In the moments where I think I've won there is peace, but it is fleeting as I check over my shoulder again. When the darkness starts to creep back in I always wonder "is this the one?? The one that will envelope me so completely that I won't be able to escape?" I used to believe that I pulled myself out of my pits completely and just kept finding new holes to fall into, now I think it's always been the same pit, I've just pulled myself up onto a ledge. And since everything looks so much better on the ledge than in the pit I think I've made it, that I can breath fresh air again. But that ledge leaves me so little room to move, the littlest bump and I fall again.

I need help. There I've said it. I'm tired of doing it on my own. I'm tired of pushing through only to find myself stuck in a place that is barely livable. I don't want to be in this place anymore but it's all I know and I don't know the way out. Here in this place is where the guilt lives. I feel pathetic as a Christian and worse as a person, a failure. I know to a certain extent that it isn't true but I can't escape the darkness that tells me otherwise. It whispers lies in my ears and I am to tired to fight them anymore.

I realize all this now, God has helped me to see myself. I don't like what I see but can't make the next step. I would have to admit there was something wrong with me, admit that I couldn't handle it, but the worst is admitting that I don't have enough faith and trust in God to let him deal with it. I feel like if I see my Dr. and I start taking anti-depressants that I've failed, not only myself, but God. I feel liked I'll be figuratively slapping him in the face, telling him he's not enough for me. Now let me make a note here that I don't feel that everyone else on anti-depressants doesn't have enough faith in God or should be able to handle it on their own. I know that many people need them due to chemical imbalance or other things out of their control. Here's where the double standard kicks in, for others it's fine and normal and I'm completely understanding, but for me it's just not acceptable. Which in turn makes me unacceptable. There are so many people out there with major problems and here I am complaining about my life. What's my problem?

Then there is the whole anti-depressant debate. Are they even a good thing? How long will I be on them? Will I get addicted? Do they actually solve anything? My mind starts to spiral right about here and I havn't even seen the Dr. Maybe he'll say I'm fine, get over it and I'm just borrowing trouble. But I don't think so. I realize that some kind of therapy is probably a good idea, but am I ready?

So here I stand unmoving, unready or unwilling to make my decision. I pray. I wait. Searching for truth.

There are moments

I've been going through some tough personal stuff recently. Every once in awhile I have a moment of perfect clarity, where the fog clears and I hear Gods voice clearly. Whatever the message, I feel such pure joy in that instant it's almost painful. I thought I would share my last one with you.

At church on Sunday I was out in the hallway with the baby when God clearly told me to go sit down and listen. I found the sermon very powerful and obviously I was meant to hear it. God helped me to realize that I have been choosing to live a second rate Christian life by not reaching out and asking for help. I've been living along a flat line, not feeling much of anything on a daily basis. I'm missing the passion and joy and the feeling of pure conviction that I should feel as a Christian with a close relationship with God. Now don't get me wrong I realize that everyday shouldn't be extraordinary and that normal everyday life doesn't hold much excitement but I've been so flat and so down for so long it's time to reach out and up for some help.

I've also been struggling with trying to figure out the difference between what I want to do with my life and what God wants me to do. I've come to a stand still out of fear of making the wrong choice. I have some passions that are very clear and sometimes very scary for me, but I've never known if it's my own personal desires or Gods. During service many of my old passions that have been suppressed for years started working their way to the surface and again I was trying to push them down. As I was fighting with my mixed emotions I heard God again, he said to me "I have given you passions for a reason, don't you think I want you to use them?" I was stunned. I never even entertained the thought that my passions and Gods desire for me could be the same thing. I just thought that I shouldn't be living my desires as that would be living for me.

So that was my moment and now I am trying to figure out where to go from here. Something to think about.

Payton and Brayden, Partners in crime!!

The funny thing is Brayden was being really good, staying out of trouble until Payton decided to check out the outlet on the wall then all of a sudden he's like "hey there IS something on the wall" and became an accomplice!! My daughter....The instigator!!

I posted this briefly yesterday. I didn't write it with the intent of sharing it with everyone, rather as a outlet to vent and let off some steam. I surprised myself when I hit publish and eventually my fear at having so much of myself exposed and vulnerable caused me to panic and remove it from view. Much against my own better judgment I feel compelled to re-post it, it's weighing heavily on me to let go of my fear, so here it goes. I hope.



I feel disheartened today. Disappointed at my own ability to grasp what God has put in front of me and run with it. He has been talking to me lately about where he wants me to be and what great things he has in store for me, somehow I'm still struggling. Struggling with life, with choices, with myself and my inability to be real. I have surrounded myself with a barrier meant to keep myself from hurt and have inadvertently found myself trapped in cage of my own making. Like a bird desperately wanting to fly but never moving beyond it's cage. I can see through my bars, reach out and touch freedom, hear it, even taste it but never able to grasp it tight enough to hang on. Sometimes I can get the door open and spread my wings, I can feel the joy and expectation of living free, only to find my wings have been clipped and I fall with a crash to a depth where escape feels impossible. I've lost myself in my fear, even I'm not sure who I am anymore. I feel like I'm wearing sunglasses all the time now, blocking the view of my soul, but masking reality. I've fought before and won but what if this time I just don't have the strength, the endurance, or the desire? I call out to God and he responds and I hear him with great joy, and for a moment, a minute, an hour I feel secure and I know everything is going to be ok, then when everything slips and I stumble and fall, sinking back into my chaos I am out of control and raging at myself for yet another failure. I can't help thinking if I want it bad enough, or had enough faith I wouldn't be here, in this place, again....still.

I took a much needed break and helped with sandwich giveaway and went to street church. All I can say is James, you crack me up!!

Andrew has been painting

He wanted me to show everyone. Check out his artwork here and here.

Payton and her Mama

I'm trying to stop feeling sorry for myself so I stole this off Nikki's site cause I thought it looked like fun!!

1. What time did you get up this morning? 6ish, Payton decided it was time to be up.
2. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds are a girls best friend......
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Hmmm....I have no idea, it's been a year at least....
4. What are your favorite TV shows? CSI, Desperate Housewives, Without a trace, Extreme Makeover:Home edition, Grey's Anatomy(new show), Alias
5. What did you have for breakfast? coffee
6. What is your middle name? Lynn
7. What is your favorite cuisine? Japanese or Greek, YUM
8. What foods do you dislike? Bananas, beans(except green), Liver
9. What is your favorite chip flavor? Dill pickle, Anything Mrs. Vickies
10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? I can't think of 1 fav, I like so many
11. What type of car do you drive? Dodge Caravan, well I would if it hadn't been stolen!!
12. Favorite sandwich? Turkey, mayo & mustard with a touch of salt and pepper, mmmmmm......
13. What characteristic do you despise? Dishonesty, hatred
14. Favorite item of clothing? Do shoes count?? I LOVE my flip flops!!
15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? If I had enough time(6-8weeks at least) I would drive across Canada. Otherwise, Greece, Turkey, or Scotland
16. What color is your bathroom? The walls are beige(how boring I know, but when you rent you get what you get!!)but my shower curtain which I got for a shower gift and LOVE(I know it's weird to love your shower curtain but I do!!), which matches my counter stuff, is burgundy and greens and beiges and is BEAUTIFUL!!
17. Favorite brand of clothing? Reitmans stuff fits me best.
18. Where would you retire to? Somewhere warm along the ocean
19. Favorite time of the day? Morning, when Payton is in the best mood and we have good times and evening, when I can wind down and see my hubby
20. What was your most memorable birthday? Either my 19th or was it 20th? When there was balloons covering the entire ceiling, or my 7th when I invited my entire class and then some(my mom must have been crazy!!)
22. Favorite sport to watch? Not really into watching sports unless it's Olympics
23. Who do you least expect to send this back to you? I'm not sending it onto anyone!?
24. Person you expect to send it back first? See previous question!
25. What fabric detergent do you use? Tide- One of the only ones Rod can use!! And vanilla bounce sheets....mmmmm... I love getting out of the shower and burying my face in the fresh vanilla-y towel!!
26. Coke or Pepsi? Diet Pepsi or Diet Coke with Lime or Diet Dr.Pepper
27. Favorite movie? I have tons, check my profile
28. Are you a morning person or a night owl? definitely NOT a morning person
29. What is your shoe size? 10, well I was until I got pregnant, now my feet are to wide for most 10s!! DRAT!!
30. Do you have any pets? A cat, whom I love but the cat hair drives me crazy. And a fish, yes A fish. He's mean and picked on all the other fish till they died so I refuse to get anymore until he dies and he just won't and I just can't bear to flush him.
31. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with your family & friends? Well, my van got stolen(see previous post), besides that my life has been the usual
32. What did you want to be when you were little? Teacher, counselor, psychiatrist
33. What languages do you speak? English, although I am trying to teach Payton a little sign language
34. What is your pet peeve? Unsafe drivers, abusers of any kind, narcism, THIEVES(can you tell what's on my mind today?), to name a few

UN-FREAKING-BELIEVABLE!!!!

So my van was stolen last night. I didn't even know it was gone until the police called to tell me they had found it!!! It was just down the road in a neighbors driveway. Crazy!! It didn't sound like there was much damage, the ignition needs to be fixed before I can have it back and they are taking it for fingerprinting. I need to call ICBC but I want to calm down first. It's not the van I am upset about, it's the feeling of not being safe, of being violated. It's creepy.

I am also really upset about our trip, the timing is horrible. We were supposed to be leaving today, we had already postponed this trip once. It wouldn't be an issue as we could always leave later but some of my relatives are leaving next week for their own vacations and we wanted to go while I still have maternity pay. I am so disappointed, I'm not sure how this is all going to work out. We could take the car but the car seat(which is still in the van, I asked) only fits in the car if the seat is all the way forward because she is still rear facing, and that would be incredibly uncomfortable for a 12 hour drive. I don't know, I'm feeling so overwhelmed and fustrated I can't even think straight.

When Randy who lives upstairs' left for work at 3:30 it was still there. The cops called before 7, so it was only gone for a few hours tops, then it was dumped just down the street, it's very strange and sooooooo fustrating. What's with the timing?? Maybe we aren't supposed to go on this trip, I would be soooo upset. Anyways, just venting, what a great way to start a morning!! I'm so ticked!!

UPDATE: Well apparently it wasn't in a driveway, someone saw three men acting suspiciously with a mini-van on their property and called police. If I want more details I have to talk with the Constable about it. The receptionist was having a hard time figuring out where my file was because it was listed as a suspicious person not a stolen vehicle. I was just trying to find out when I could have my car seat back. My meeting with ICBC isn't until Thursday, and then it'll be sent somewhere for repair, so we are postponing our trip and trying to figure out when we can go later. :0( Bummer.

Let me tell you a story.....

I have been letting myself get stressed over money recently. It's so easy to do, we have many bills to pay, and soon my income will be gone. Then we realized that we owed a whole bunch to the government. It just seems sometimes that it's one thing after another, that we just can't get ahead and that we'll be living month to month forever.

While I was letting myself drown in self pity I realized I hadn't given God a chance to help me, I hadn't prayed about my financial worries. The thing is, I feel unworthy to ask. I feel like I shouldn't be praying to ask for money, it seems so petty. I'm still trying to take care of myself, to be independent and self reliant. How can I expect to grow closer to God if I can't trust him, if I can't even ask for help. I am so good about asking for others, but not for me. My first thought is "what can WE do to figure this out?" The answer is Pray, pray hard, give it over to God and let him figure it out. Then wait and listen, when he answers you'll know it. I want so much for my family that sometimes it's hard to understand that God wants so much more.

We were supposed to be leaving for vacation on sat, out to Alberta to visit some relatives. I almost cancelled this trip SO many times out of money worries. We had finally decided that we should go right before we did the taxes. I freaked out, and almost cancelled again. That's when I realized I needed to pray about it. So sitting in my driveway with Payton sleeping in the backseat I let out all my worries and fustrations to my heavenly father, amongst tears of fustration and shame I bared my soul, I humbled myself and admitted I couldn't do it alone and asked for help. His response was immediate, I felt a peace wash over me, his warm embracing presence was all around me, I was told I was being taken care of. I gave a big sigh of relief and opened my eyes and smiled in peace. As I turned and glanced out the window I noticed, a ray of light was sneaking through the clouds and shining down as if to say "I am here, I will light your way", it was magical. Payton and I went inside and hardly any time had passed when I got a call from Rod. His boss had offered him a business trip that he would get three service fees from if he wanted, but it would delay our holiday by a few days. I couldn't believe it, three service fees plus what I am getting back is almost exactly what is owed!!! Rod has never gotten three service fees from one trip before, God works in unexpected ways!!

Needless to say, we are leaving tues night or weds for our vacation.

Anybody seen my brain?

I was going to blog something.....I can't remember what it was.....I think I should be in bed........

I danced!

I am amazed. I went out on Friday night. With adults. I visited. I danced. I went out "afterwards". I stayed out past midnight. I had fun.........

Maybe I do still have a life outside motherhood, a very small slice of the pie, but a slice none-the-less.

It's rather exciting!!!

I NEED COFFEE!!!

But we are out of cream, drat.

Payton story

Yesterday I had put Payton down for a nap when about 30min later I thought I heard some noise coming from her room. So I went to the door and listened, I could hear laughing, squealing, and babbling. I was very intrigued as to what was so funny because Payton isn't one to play in her crib, if she's up she wants out of bed. So I open the door and out comes the cat just barreling out the door, and there's Payton on hands and knees just chatting away at the cat!! I laughed so hard. Poor Wicket must have followed me in there and got stuck. hehe. Payton thought it was great fun!!

Fake it till you make it

Well, I still haven't found my motivation but today SOMETHING has to get done. So I'm going to fake it. I'm going to pretend that I LOVE cleaning my house. I'm going to crank the tunes and just go at it. Well that's the plan anyways, first I'm going to shower, that always makes me feel better.

Motivation

Where did all my motivation go? Is it hiding? I don't know, all I know is I can't find it. I feel no motivation what-so-ever to do....anything really. I've got my list all made, things to do, but as I look around I just can't find the motivation to get started. Call me lazy if you want it just seems like I see ten things the need doing, I immediately get fustrated and overwhelmed then nothing gets done. Then once I start something, part way though I find something else that needs doing so I start that, then part way through that I find something else that needs doing and I start that ect ect ect. Then when I look around it looks like I've done nothing and get fustrated all over again...... I get so mad at myself. Why can't I just see what needs doing and do it?? There is four days till we head out and ten million things to do, you'd think that leaving for vacation would be motivation enough but apparently it isn't. ARGH!!

Maybe my problem is looking at everything, I'll just choose one thing at a time and finish it. My goal today is....EVERYTHING...AHHHHHHHHHH....

Odds & ends

Decided to finish our taxes today, well sort off. 2003 taxes, we were pretty sure we would not owe and maybe even get something back. So I dug out all the pieces hoping for a refund to help us out in the finance department. Well when I finished I starred at the screen in disbelief, Rod owes....A lot. CRAP!! He was working 3 jobs in 2003, when you put them all together he wasn't paying enough taxes. CRAP. Have I said CRAP. I am so disheartened, seems like we will never get ahead. I know that I shouldn't worry because God will take care of us, it would just be nice to not owe anybody anything for a change.

Good news for all those out there that love slurpees but don't want to have all that sugar. 711 has a crystal light slurpee now, no sugar!! I had one tonight, it's pretty good!! I'm excited!!

Rod hurt his finger at work the other day and hasn't been able to wear his wedding ring. He is wearing it though, around his neck you ask? Yes, but no not around a chain, only my computer nerd husband would wear his ring around his jumpdrive(usb memory stick), yes folks, my husbands wedding ring is around computer stuff, AND he is wearing that computer stuff around his neck. I laughed so hard, when he asked me why I was laughing I looked lovingly in his eyes and said "have I told you lately....what a geek you are?" I fell in love with a computer geek, who would have thought?? LOL

Money.....uck.......

Well, looking over the finances has made me realize I need to start planning for the end of July when my maternity will be over. I do not want to go back to work, I feel my family right now is priority. That being said I have realized that I will need to be bringing in some income. What I would like to do is childcare, nothing big as I don't have the "official" training or certification. Just one or two kids(preferably full time, but really I could use anything), in my home. If anyone knows of anybody looking for childcare or hears of anyone, could you let them or me know please!! Thanks!!

Hmmm....I guess I could work evenings and weekends if I had to. I would still get all my time with Payton then, I just wouldn't seen Rod much but it wouldn't be forever.

Stupid A/C

So the Air conditioning on the van doesn't work. And I have come to realize that it's one of the expensive parts to fix. If it were just me I would probably complain a lot but suffer through summer without it, but Payton gets so hot and miserable. So I am debating, is it worth it? Right at this moment I'm indecisive, when it was 30deg+ out there was no hesitation. I hate decisions.

Oh, I forgot to mention the trip to Alberta we are leaving for next weekend, 12 hours one way.

Stupid A/C.

8:00: After careful examination of our finances we have decided there really is no choice to be
made. We just don't make the extra money.

Stupid money.

I'm doing it again

I'm letting my self worth be tied up in how well I run my household. When I was younger and much more naive, I had visions of what it would be like when I had a family. I would stay home with the kids, who were always well behaved. My house would always be spotless because really what else do I have to do? Dinner would be on the table for when my husband got home, so we could have a family dinner. And somewhere in there I still had time to play with the kids, and have ample time for me. Add in there something about saving the world and looking like a supermodel and you have summed up my life's ambitions 10 or so years ago.

Since then I've had several healthy doses of reality, I realize that life just harder than I thought. I know that I'm not a failure because my house is never spotless and I rarely have dinner ready when Rod gets home but I also can't help thinking that with Payton being 10 months old that I should have this a little more figured out by now. How come some days I still can't manage to get a load of laundry done?? I have one small child, what's going to become of me when we have another??

I am so thankful that God is 100% pleased with me, I don't have to live up to any expectations for him. Now if I could just let myself off the hook.....

ARGH!!

Tired, hot, fustrated at stepping over stuff, overwhelmed by the mess, stressed at the need to fix the airconditioning in the van, mad at the cat for waking up the baby, hungry, craving sugar...... ARGH!!!!!

Guess that whole "I'm ok with my mess" thing didn't last to long, ((((Sigh))))

Bragging again!

Payton started clapping yesterday!! She's so much fun!!

Well my nice neat house is a mess again. Actually the truth is our house was never completely neat. Our bedroom had become a catch all, there were many unpacked boxes and other stuff that had found it's way there when we didn't want to deal with it. Our dresser had never become organized so our clean clothes sat in piles around the room. It was my dirty little secret. Well it finally drove me nuts and Rod and I gutted the room on Mon. The only problem was we didn't have enough time to finish. So the bedroom is pretty neat, the living area now isn't. I refuse to put anything back in the bedroom to be dealt with later because I know what will happen. So it sits in my living area until I find a home for it. I figure it'll get done faster this way, as I can work at it during the day. When I can of course, generally Payton isn't all that keen on letting me be productive during the day.

The amazing thing is it isn't driving me crazy, I'm(for the time being anyhow) not feeling like a failure because my house is a mess. I don't care. Mind you if someone was to show up unannounced it might be a different story, but as of right now It's not bothering me, and I'm rather proud of myself. Just don't come over, LOL!!

Payton and her friend Zada from our trip to Vernon.

Searching for inspiration

Hmmm....I haven't blogged in a few days, not unheard of, but unusual. I just have had no desire to write, nothing what-so-ever to say. It's almost scary.

O.K....let's see.....Payton pulled herself completely up to standing today. She makes it up to knees frequently, and I've seen one foot and one knee before, but this is the first time she made it all the way up. You should have seen the grin on her face, she was very proud of herself!! We are pretty sure she started saying Monkey today. That would be her third word, that we are sure off anyways. Hi was first, then Mama, now monkey. Others that I have heard but am unsure if she said them on purpose are: up, kitty, hug, and of course Dada.

Yup, that's all I've got in me, maybe I'll post a pic.

Does anyone else find it humerous that blogger is not in bloggers dictionary?

You know, you try so hard to treat people with respect, to see Jesus in everyone. To be kind, considerate, loving, and tolerant. Then when people treat you or people you care about poorly you just want to throw your hands in the air and give up. I don't want to care and love people who treat others like crap. Where do you draw the line?? What is Grace and what is getting walked all over?? I get so tired of being kind and patient, I just want to yell and throw things sometimes. Be the self righteous, fly in your face bag that has no consideration for others feelings. GRRRRRR.....

Remind me please why I care??

Tagged

O.K. Last week I was tagged, meaning "I'm it!!" so now according to rules I have to share my ten favorite things. Then tag four others. I've finally finished, so here they are in no particular order....

My 10 favorite things

1. Rod: I love my husband, I love being married. It's fantastic and he is amazing!!

2. Payton: I feel blessed to be Paytons mom. She gives meaning to my life, being a mom is such a joy.

3. God: What would I do without him?

4. My Church: New Heights is my home more than anywhere else. No matter where we meet I feel peace just walking through that door.

5. Family: I have a great loving supportive family, love you guys!!

6. Friends: My "other" family. What would I do without you guys?? Again I don't even want to think about it!!

7. Taking pictures: I love being behind the camera almost as much as I hate being in front of it!!

8. Blogging: I love being able to share some of my world with others as well as get a glimpse into everyone else's world. The community that has formed around this is amazing.

9. Chocolate: This list just wouldn't be complete without it.

10. Sleep: Maybe it's just because I haven't been getting a lot of it, but sleep seems very important to me right now!!

O.K. now for the fun part, tagging others. I hope I don't double tag anyone. If you've already been tagged let me know, some of whom ROD are being party poopers. Anyways, Misty, Sue, Melody and Shannon....TAG your it!!

Then the time came when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

Anais Nin, found on Susan's site

Payton...Destroyer of sleep......

Strikes again....

The good news is I can feel the tooth coming through so it ****shouldn't**** be to much longer till we're back to normal. In the meantime she's been up almost every hour and for good at 4am. I'm crazy tired and poor Rod has to go work in a couple hours. I got up with Payton in hopes he can steal a few more zzzzz's. I don't want him operating any type of machine too tired!!! I'm not quite ready to make coffee in hopes that she'll go back down for a bit. Maybe I'm delusional but for the moment I like it that way. How can I accomplish anything if I can't keep my eyes open?

On another note, I just noticed my jammies are inside out.....

7:00: I swear, I'm going to lose it, I'm going to go insane. Or maybe the problem is that I already have....

Baby oh baby....

I think Payton is cutting a tooth, she is SOOOOOO cranky. All she wants to do is cuddle. I do love the cuddles but I also have a neglected house to clean.....

fustrated.

I NEED COFFEE!!!!!

I'm tired, oh so tired. After somewhat catching up on sleep at ladies retreat I have had a series of bad sleeps. I had planned on going to bed early last night but then I got sick. When I did finally get to sleep Rod got home(YAH!!!), but he woke me up(not yah!!). Then I had just gotten to sleep when Payton woke up, I think we have another tooth coming through because she has been CRAN-KY!!! Then she was up at 6:30. I put her down on the floor and sat on the couch only to promptly fall asleep sitting up....not good. Despite the incident yesterday, I decided I needed coffee to survive. Only to find we are out of high test, although there is decaf left(a lot of good that would do). I am now going to go search the cupboards again, WE HAVE TO HAVE COFFEE SOMEWHERE!!

Oh dear

My stomach is mad at me. After both checking the date and smelling my cream before adding it to my coffee earlier, I declared it safe for consumption. After pouring my third cup I added the cream and stared at it in confusion....Why is there chunks in my coffee?? I double checked the date, which was the 11th(yes of may), and smelled it again. Still seemed fine, so I opened it a little further and looked fully in. To my horror I found my cream was chunky around the entire edge of the container. I guess when I poured it earlier I just got the smooth stuff, the chucks stayed safely attached to the wall of the container. I thought to myself, uh-oh I'm going to pay for that later, and indeed, I'm hurting. So as a warning to all cream drinkers, I have discovered that spoiled cream can look and taste fine, do not be fooled. From now on any cream I drink will be inspected closely under a bright light.

OUCH!!

And he's off.....

Yup, Rod's gone again. Between me going to ladies retreat and him going on this trip I feel like I havn't seen much of him lately! Oh well, it's *supposed* to be a short trip....we'll see!!

UPDATE:

His flight was delayed for over an hour leaving Vancouver, now he's missed his connection in San Francisco and the next flight to Philly is at 8:30 tomorrow morning. So it'll be at least Tues till he gets home......I shouldn't have said anything!!

Yet another......

Your #1 Match: INFJ

The Protector You live your life with integrity, originality, vision, and creativity. Independent and stubborn, you rarely stray from your vision - no matter what it is. You are an excellent listener, with almost infinite patience. You have complex, deep feelings, and you take great care to express them. You would make a great photographer, alternative medicine guru, or teacher.

Your #2 Match: INFP

The Idealist You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world. Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships. It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close. But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop. You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.

Your #3 Match: ISFJ

The Nurturer You have a strong need to belong, and you very loyal. A good listener, you excell at helping others in practical ways. In your spare time, you enjoy engaging your senses through art, cooking, and music. You find it easy to be devoted to one person, who you do special things for. You would make a good interior designer, chef, or child psychologist.

What's Your Personality Type?

To all the mom's out there......

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!!!

Hope you have a great day!!

Tagged

So I've been tagged, see Shari's blog for more detail. And yes, I will comply but it may take a few days. I'm frantically getting ready to leave for Ladies Retreat(Rod is watching Payton solo!!! Isn't he wonderful!!) So I'll post when I get back. Have a good weekend all, I'M GOING TO GET SOME STRAIGHT SLEEP!!(hopefully!!) I just know I am going to go through blog withdrawel.....

Anybody watch The O.C??

Anybody want to admit it anyways?? It was good, it was REAL good. Just another prime time soap I know, but there's alot to be said for the odd bit of mind numbing entertainment. I am sooooo hooked!!

Spice party!!

Yes folks, I am having another party. This time it's spices. The company is called Epicure and the spices are really good and affordable. Great dips and dressings as well. I love that everthing is all natural without a bunch of chemicals!! Come check it out even if it's just to sample and visit!!

It's on May 15(sunday), 2:00, at my place!!

Hope to see you there.

Stunning discovery

Babies are not as wonderful as everyone thinks. Whew.... there, now it's out there. Sure they're cute and cuddly(sometimes), and can be alot of fun, but man do they cry and whine alot. Don't get me wrong I love my baby soooo much, she's amazing, but the truth be told I'm glad the "baby stage" doesn't last too long!!

Can you tell she's going through a MOM MOM MOM MOM stage. Only I will do and I'm not getting much else done. I am sooo thankful she wasn't twins or worse!!

Secrets

If you think your the only one in the world with secrets, check out this site I found linked on Shari's blog. Very powerful.

Warning: it's very real and explicit.

My first blinkie!!

Look what I've been doing instead of housework!! I'm so proud!